Little Women

Tomorrow I loose a great ally for a short time. For the next few days, I shall have to suffer through what has become perhaps my greatest character struggle this year. I have enjoyed her well-timed encouragement and the displeased looks that motivate me to change my attitude, but this weekend brings a challenge to survive alone. She has been a great blessing to me, and I hope that I have likewise provided some encouragement to her.
Perhaps I am a little sentimental; I just finished reading "Little Women" last night for the first time in several years. It was wonderful to stay up late and read, just like I used to during every break we had before college. When my eyes finally moved from the last sentence of the book, it was approximately 3:30 AM, much later than I intended. Watching Amy and Jo and Meg struggle through their childhood years seemed to me to indicate that I am greatly lacking in so many areas. Despite the fictional story (though based on Alcott's life, if I remember correctly) and the romanticism of the characters (it is undeniable), there was still a great moral theme running throughout the book that made me ashamed of my own.
Lately I have been very dissatisfied with my own character, and it seems that whenever I open my mouth, the worst seems to come out. I am a chatterer, a gossip, and I don't use my words to edify nearly enough. Reflecting back on all that I say and do brings a blush to my face, and I am easily frustrated. I have seen God change me so much this year, and it seems that the labor is an ever-growing task. As I type this, I can't help but remember the relevance of the sermon on Sunday to my own life. My dad made the point that a Godly discontent with your character and a desire to grow is healthy. I suppose I agree, but I wish my flaws did not show themselves quite so frequently! I wish that I had a kinder disposition, a more agreeable one. I am so quick to speak and so anxious to appear witty or smart that I often do the opposite. Perhaps that is why I sympathize so well with Jo March, one of the heroines of "Little Women." So many of the things she did or said are things that I myself wish I could express. Somehow she learned to tame her tongue, and I am determined that I shall succeed also.

Ramblings

There is a song that has become rather popular with which I take particular issue. While I am not one to immediately condemn any music that does not talk about the redeeming blood of the Lamb or sacrificial atonement, much of the philosophy espoused by today's musical head-liners challenges me. Many of these songs I enjoy finding different themes and perspectives and viewing them in light of what I know to be truth; this song, however, grates on every one of my nerves. Perhaps this is because as a young generation of Christians we fall prey to the idea that no one can tell us how to live our lives.
In the post-modern, relativistic world that we live in, it is no wonder that we have dismissed so much of the strict separation theology of the past, the theology which so strictly dictated how we lived out our lives of faith. This is not a completely bad thing, but we are left sorely lacking in the realm of boundary-making. Too often we declare ourselves the "stronger-brother" that Paul speaks of in Romans 14, when we are in fact the weaker. I am guilty of slipping into this as much as anyone else. I find myself accepting the culture, and then my relationship with God suffering because I have accepted too much of the culture and forgotten my holiness and set apartness.
However, I digress. The song which I have alluded to is this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR7-AUmiNcA.
The lyrics with which I take most issue are when the artist declares
"And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide"

While I am not sure to whom this song was written, or the situation, thousands of teenagers across America are ripping this song out of context to apply to any voice of authority in their life. And I think that too many Christians are falling into this trend. Our generation has grown up with such a sense of entitlement and independence that we devalue the wisdom and opinions of others to a degree that guarantees our failure. If we cannot look to mentors and teachers - even those we disagree with - we are destined to be narrow-minded fools.
It is like the camera-operator that lacks an artistic eye, but always feels the need to attempt artistic things. He zooms in with abrupt, distracting movements when he shouldn't move his shot or spins his camera quickly when it should be still. The recording director pleads desperately for him to stop because the director sees the big picture and knows how terrible and distracting this is. Yet, the camera-operator, with only one perspective before him, cannot be dissuaded and continues his lack-luster job.
Perhaps this is a confusing metaphor. The point is this. As twenty year olds, we live lives that have zero perspective. When we close our eyes and ears to the wisdom of those that have seen our situations play out before, we lose something great.
But let me be clear. I do not propose taking the advice of any Joe-shmo across the street - or Joe the Plumber. Though we despise when others tell us how to live or who to be, we have an incredible desire to impose our opinions - which are always right-on others. There are people who offer their opinion in unwarranted situations or try to play a part in your life which has not been given to them, and that is frustrating. I think that there is a healthy element of balance which must come, but how to achieve it I cannot articulate clearly at this point.
This is what I do know:
1. There are people in my life whose word I would take at face-value and whose instructions I would follow because I know they care for my best interest.
2. These same people would not be angry with me if I choose another path. They are accepting and, if I can articulate clearly why I didn't take their advice, they are okay with it. They do not try to argue me into their side, only to illuminate other issues.
3. There are people who do attempt to control my life. They become angry and hurt when I choose another path and attempt to argue me into seeing their point. Most of the time, these are shallow friendships with demanding and controlling people. While I don't dismiss their advice to their face and call them morons, I am not afraid to make them angry or disappointed because they are more concerned with being right than my well-being.

I think the most important thing is to keep a Scriptural mindset. Humility, grace, patience, and love are so important, and I struggle daily with keeping those greater than my pride or self-interest, which often get the best of me in these situations.

Giving Thanks

Throughout today, I have been reflecting on the things that make my life so worthwhile - the things that I am grateful for. As we prepared and sat down to the meal of the year, the list grew and grew. I was astounded at the things that I often take for granted, the things that spring to mind the one day of the year that forces recall. So here is a list of things, both trivial and the opposite, that I am especially grateful for (in no particular order).

1. I love my bedroom. I think it is absolutely fantastic, from the furniture set that fulfills all of my little girl fantasies (it includes a vanity) to the handmade blanket and chair/table coverings to the photos hanging on the wall of my favorite place on earth. I wish I could spend more time here.

2. My family is fantastic. I have been blessed with Godly parents who are so concerned about my well-being and provision, a brother and sisters who are smart and witty and fun to be with, that I can depend on and trust, and a beautiful black lab that lives to make his owners happy. In addition to this, I have the most wonderful extended family - grandparents that love and care for me, who encourage me to grow and always support me, aunts and uncles who have watched me grow up and continue to be interested and encouraging in my life, cousins who are just absolutely fabulous, and in-laws that make life interesting.

3. Christmas movies are the bomb. Right now we are watching Miracle on 34th Street. How fantastic. I'm hoping to convince my sisters to watch Muppet Christmas Carol next.

4. Books are quite important to me. I am crazy in love with reading, a love affair that begun when I learned to read. From Little Women and The Chronicles of Narnia to Blue Like Jazz and a little Virgina Woolf, I just love them all. Oh, and Nancy Drew. Nancy Drew books are especially incredible.

5. Education. Oh my goodness, how I treasure this blessing. So much of our lives revolve around literacy and our ability to grasp concepts that education is absolutely a must. Add to that the opportunity to study at an institution so devoted to the heart of God and I am hooked.

6. Fantastic friends are essential. I have the most amazing friends in the world and I am grateful for them daily. I am just absolutely, absolutely, absolutely lost without their support and encouragement and all of the wonderful memories that we share. This year has brought so many new faces into this group, and I am so thankful for that.

7. West Central Christian Service Camp will always have a place especially close to my heart. This camp has meant so much to me, and so much of my growth occurred there. It is a place that prepares my heart to encounter God in a way that no other place has quite captured. I love the camp managers and the nurse and the campers and the faculty, even on the bad days.

8. I am so thankful for our security in Christ Jesus. I am grateful that God created us, that He treasures us, that He redeemed us, that Christ endured the cross, that the Holy Spirit continues to work in us, that the Spirit and Christ are interceding for us, and that there is nothing that can separate us from all that. Especially as I have been studying Romans 8:26-39, I am increasingly impressed by that fact. I marvel daily at all of this, and I praise God that I can't ever quite wrap my head around this, yet it doesn't change any of that.

9. Uh, technology. Holy cow is it amazing. From the laptop that I am typing this on to the lighting system that consumed most of my break, it is astonishing what we are able to do these days - especially skype!

10. Good food, especially around the Holiday season, makes my heart sing. I love mashed potatoes, turkey, bread, stuffed peppers, sweet potato souffle, green bean casserole, ice cream, pie, cake...and I could go on and on. I love the food that we can enjoy and prepare family-style, and I love learning to make all of this.

11. All of the ways that God has grown me in the past few years and His continued work in my life makes me so excited for the future.

12. Prayer is so great. I love having a means with which to communicate with my God.

13. I love me some real great music. From John Mayer to the Veggietales Christmas album, from Hillsong to Frank Sintra, what a blessing music is!

14.I am so excited to meet my new baby nephew in January, whose name I found out just days ago!

Thankfulness and Christmas

One week from today, Americans across all 50 states will sit down to a meal that is looked forward to all year long. Turkeys that are cooked to perfection will grace tables already overflowing with mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and pumpkin pie. Families will be reunited and the meal will conclude in front of the TV - watching football - or in a room close by - playing board games.
All of these traditions are near and dear to my heart. Even describing them makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. These are things I'm grateful for, even though I rarely articulate it. I think that we, as Americans, feel that we are blessed. We know that we have much to enjoy and be thankful for, but we often fall into the trap of taking these things for granted. Sometimes I feel like it is impossible to choose one thing to be grateful for on 'Thankful Thursdays' (a tradition in our cafeteria - Thursday at lunch, before the employee swipes your card you have to list one thing you are thankful for). I find myself caught off guard and suddenly overwhelmed by all that I could say, to the point that I draw a blank. I don't think it's just me that feels this way.
But, especially as Christian, I have so much to be thankful for. Even though it is cliche, my number one thing is the death - the resurrection - of Christ. I have just finished a project examining Romans 8:26-39 and one of the sources that I consulted emphasized that the death of Christ is God's greatest gift to us. In the passage, it talks about how the Holy Spirit intercedes for us so that we can pray for the things that we ought to, and how God promises that all things will work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Without getting too caught up in the exegesis, I'd like to point out a couple things. First, those who love God is the qualifier for the "good," which is the end glorification of God and restoration to perfection. It is bigger than the one Christian, although God promises elsewhere things that do apply to the individual Christian's life. Second, those who love God and are called according to His purpose are those that serve Him and have been invited to share in the purpose - His glorification and the restoration of all things. The passage goes on to say that we have been chosen, that God knew before time who would choose to serve Him, and that we have been justified - made right with God through Christ - and will be conformed to the Image of Christ and glorified with Him.
The next part is what I have been turning over in my head, though. It talks about how no one can accuse the one that God has justified, and that the believer can be assured that there is no condemnation because, if God allowed Christ to suffer the full extent of His wrath (which has been discussed in the preceding chapters) and that He did not spare Him (which would have lessened His victory) we are secure in His love. Paul goes on to elaborate that there is absolutely nothing that can change that - the love of God in Christ Jesus conquers all things, and no force can overcome it.
In light of all this, this year's holiday season has me thinking about the marvelous gift of God - not that He called us, or that He loves us, or that He will glorify us, or that He works all things together for our good. The marvelous gift is that He did not spare any of His wrath from Jesus, that Jesus endured it, and that He rose from the dead. That is where we find salvation and security! So in light of this marvelous gift, which what I am most thankful for, I have to ask what my response should be.
One form that this pondering has taken lately stems from a question my Dad asked in some Christmas service in the past couple of years. He proposed the question: What would you give Jesus for Christmas? As I toss around this question in my mind, I cannot hit on the thing that I would like to do for Christ - not because I want to deserve the gift He gave me, but out of response to it. I've asked several people and I am not yet satisfied. In my mind, there are no restrictions on this gift, except that it must be broad (good for all people, not just one group), and it cannot be for the salvation of others - it is purely hypothetical. Some of the responses my Dad proposed were:
- a concentrated effort by the North American church to end world hunger
- increased Biblical literacy
- a great revival and increased evangelism
- an election that focused on real issues
- an end to the war in the middle east
- an end to the idolizing of self-ish and spoiled young ladies

Those are all great goals. They are all remedies for things that pain God. But I wonder what the most effective change would be. I keep coming back to Jesus. I feel like few people -few Christians - know the real Jesus and are serving Him. Too many people have been hurt by "Christians" and too much mud has been slung on the Christian name. Perhaps if Christians lived as they ought, it'd be a different story? Perhaps if they knew the God they were serving, it would change. For some reason I still am unsettled. Although hypothetical, I can't shake this question.

So I guess my proposition is this: If you could give Jesus any present this Christmas - not just material, but anything at all (minus the salvation of others), what would you give Him, in light of His sacrifice?

On Doubt

I've felt like I have been running non-stop for the past few days, weeks, months. I look at my calender and see no end in sight, yet I can't remember the beginning of this busy season either. Honestly, I hate it. I just keep reminding myself that this is a season, that it will pass, that I am where I need to be. And it actually does help. Especially because God is CONSTANTLY affirming all of these things. It just sucks some days.
When I was younger, I assumed that I thrived on a busy schedule. After all, I enjoyed being involved, committed, essential. But the older I get, the more that I notice that it is Sabbath that brings me the greatest joy. I love to have time to reflect, to rest, to revitalize. To some extent, I try to do that nightly. But I always end up falling asleep. So tonight I thought that I would try something new.
I feel like Christ has done so much in me. I am in a place where I am constantly learning and being challenged - I love it. I find myself becoming more open to things that made me uncomfortable, more steadfast in my view of God, and more impressed by the character of the Trinity. I find myself sifting through sin and evaluating the doctrines that I've been taught, all in light of Scripture. I even find myself seeing more and more hurt in the world, more that makes me want to scream, "THIS ISN'T HOW IT SHOULD BE!"
Tonight I worked at New York and Co for the first time in about a week. Every time I go in, a part of me in made uncomfortable by the amount of money women who come in end up dropping. On one level, it is justifiable. The clothes are good and necessary. But some customers go all out, to extremes that seem ridiculous and laughable. I mean, honestly I want to say to some ladies, do you really need a $55 blazer? Or a $30 shirt? They're just clothes. But when I get to talk to people, I always find myself wanting to help and love more. I talked to a lady tonight who had faced a real tough season in the past few years. I almost cried listening to her. These encounters make the job worth it. I watched as the pain etched itself across her face, drawing pools of water from her bright blue eyes, and listened to her tale of health failure, job loss, debt, and death. It reminded me of when Katie and I met the woman in walmart last year.

And despite the fact that I should be studying, that conversation replies itself over and over again in my head. I remember few of the exact words or phrases mentioned, it is the look, the hurt, the desire for God that sticks with me. What can I do? My heart aches, but I don't know her name. I pray that God eases her pain, that he continue to work in her life to show her reason. But how can I answer for him and his timing? I pray that she find peace and rest in his divine wisdom, but she seemed to be under the impression that any sort of questioning him was a big no-no.
I think the church has for too long espoused the narrow-minded and faulty doctrine that doubt=unbelief. Doubt is natural. It is healthy. We were created with minds so that we could use them, and at times this world hardly looks like the work of a loving, sovereign God. We hurt. We experience stuff that we weren't made to experience. There is wickedness and evil. A doubt is not going to force God into a box. We have to stop being afraid to express them, and start embracing them. To stop shoving them in the back of the closet until the force their way out, and start combating them. Finding satisfactory answers. Otherwise faith ends up being lost, being rejected.
Admittedly, not every doubt has its precise answers. We have a faith of beautiful mystery. There are things of which we cannot know. However most of the time we can learn enough to reasonably believe. After all, if there were an answer to everything, that would not be faith. It'd be fact.

As of late I have noticed a rather troubling trend. It is nothing new, not some crazy fad that will be outdated and forgotten by next week; rather this is a prolific disease that has long been infecting human kind. Perhaps my sensitivity to this ailment has been heightened, or perhaps I am more often exposed to this consuming fire. Perhaps it is something we grow into. The reason for which this issue lies so heavily on my heart remains unknown. The truth about the matter, though, is as unpleasant as starring at oneself in mirror which highlights only the flaws one has.
The issue of which I am speaking is this rampant selfishness that I sense consuming not only my life, but the lives of those around me. Perhaps it is because I am now employed by a retail store that screams "BUY BUY BUY," surrounded by people all too willing to oblige. Frankly I find that to be a great source of temptation to me. But I see it not only in myself. I do not say this to be hypocritical or quick to judge. I do not say it to judge anyone, I suppose, because I am so ugly in my own selfishness. Rather, I say it mournfully. I wish this were not so! I wish that we could see faces or names or tears that our selfishness causes. I wish that their pain could become our reality. We who are blessed so abundantly, yet complain so quickly, we who are increasingly dulled to the screams of those who suffer, we who are so quick to "defend" the weak, yet so unwilling to become like them. We scream for justice and provision in the comfort of our multi-thousand dollar homes, surrounded by hundreds of dollars of things that we cannot "live without." I sense a great irony in that.
That is not to say that I am against spending money for entertainment purpose, or for the purpose of procuring nice, lasting things. On the contrary, I believe that our investments should be wise. I am not against relaxation or entertainment in general. I am not against standing up for the rights of the oppressed or standing up for your own needs. On the contrary, these things are good and healthy and have a place. But, Christian, you and I know a great secret which should revolutionize the way that we think, act, and invest. It should change the way that we step out of bed each morning and the way that we interact with every person who crosses our path. Need I remind you?
Christian, Jesus is ALIVE
I wish the impact of that simple statement had the same effect on me as it did on the apostles, or the first Christians, or the martyrs. I wish that statement was less of a cliche and more of a praise-inducing cry. And, yes, I am joyful and grateful and I know the importance of the resurrection. I praise God for it. Yet I have this recurring feeling that I should be more. It should shake me to my core to serve a God so great that He sent His Son to die and then to be raised and seated at His right hand. Hallelujah! And though a chill passes through my body and a smile creeps onto my lips as those words appear on my computer screen, I can't help but feel that I will never truly appreciate the magnitude that sentence expresses.
I feel this manifested in no greater way than in my selfishness. Yet I am at a loss as to how to proceed. I have identified the sin, yet I cannot remove it. I know that each day will be a war against my self, a crucifixion of sorts, yet this cognitive knowledge makes it no further. It does not change my heart. But, oh, I wish it would. I pray that God would chisel that part of me away, would teach my unwilling flesh obedience. But I rejoice that "no sky contains, no doubt restrains all You are, the greatness of our God. I spend my life to know, and I'm far from close to all You are, the greatness of our God." For I know that is a God who can change me.

Give me eyes to see more of who You are.
May what I behold still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known and break it all apart.
For You, my God, are greater still.


Give me grace to see beyond this moment here,
To believe that there is nothing left to fear,
that You alone are high above it all,
For You, my God, are greater still.

-Hillsong, "The Greatness of our God." A Beautiful Exchange, 2010.

Tension

Something that I vaguely alluded to in my last post in this growing discontentment that I'm experiencing. I know what's causing it, but I don't know how to fix it. I'm stuck in a place where I know I'm not happy, per se, but I don't know what or how I need to change.
One thing that I'm struggling with is the idea of a calling. Since I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was teach. Now that I'm starring that in the face, I'm hesitating for some reason. In large part, I believe this has to do with the amount of school I'd have to complete to achieve said degree. I'm so tired of going to school that five more years feels like an eternity. I find myself asking all too frequently, "is this really worth it?" Is it worth the thousands of dollars of debt I'm racking up? Is it worth prolonging this season? That's the tension I'm living in right now.
Of course, there are other contributing factors. I've been trying to get involved with a local youth group, and it hasn't worked out like I want. Over the summer I did some stuff with the girls at my home church and enjoyed it, but with this youth group I feel like just a warm body. It feels very clique-y and I honestly don't feel necessary. I'm not making a difference and that fuels this discontentment. I'm not very good at initiating relationships, especially when so many have already been established. I really don't enjoy it, but I so enjoyed teaching the girls from home. I don't know what to do. Do I stay involved, hoping that when I am allowed to lead a group these things change? Do I find another ministry and abandon this idea totally? I'm very unsure.
I know I'm passionate about helping people live the life God's called them to, I'm passionate about changing the way people think and apologetics. I love my personal evangelism class, and have recently become rather enamored with the writing of Don Miller I like speaking publicly (to some extent) and I love to exegete. For these reasons, I'm considering going into women's ministry. . This, in large part, is due to a speaker I've been enjoying, Bianca Juarez. I believe that she's the women's minister at a large church in Southern Cali, and I love the way she speaks. She appeals to their compassion and emotional needs, but she maintains authority and intellect. I'd love to do that.
But I don't feel even remotely qualified. And maybe I am supposed to be a high school teacher. How can I rule something out so quickly? Yet, as a women's ministry major, I'd still be teaching. Albeit, very differently, but still teaching.
I don't know yet. These are all ideas I've recently been considering. I don't want to make a decision based on this desire to start living my life instead of preparing for it, but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a factor. There's the issue. I just don't have any idea what to do lately.

I feel like I'm in this stage of constant change, and I hate it.
I feel so torn between so many different things that I want to cry some days.
I love OCC
But some days (a lot of days) I love camp more.
I love learning and I'm excited about the calling I feel.
But I want to be out there, not planning it.
As crucial as I know this time is, I'd just like to say:

THIS SUCKS.

The Last Day of August

Today I learned something borderline heretical for most college students. In fact, I could have my membership to my own generation revoked for publishing this. The well kept secret: you don't have to have a nap to have a great day.

WOAH. I just blew your mind.

(take a minute to compose yourself before reading further, if necessary. I understand.)

Now you're asking yourself what kind of moron I am. I know; I was you just a few short days ago. It's not easy to have your entire worldview changed. But my day, though nap-less, was pretty amazing. I went to class, chapel, class as normal. Exhausted from staying up much too late for any student with a 7AM class. I ate the crappy lunch in the caf (which wasn't THAT bad, I suppose), came back to my room and facebooked a little. All very routine. I picked up my paycheck and paid some of my school bill, then set off for an oil change. Ugh. I hate cars and their expenses. The oil change is more than I anticipated BUT for $15 more, I could get my car all checked out and my tires rotated. I know that it's really a dumb idea to let the people at Firestone talk you into anything, but I said yes this time. With an hour and a half to kill, I walked across the parking lot to Starbucks, armed with about eight hours of reading to do (which remains mostly undone).
At this point, my day is still blah. I mean, I killed time with my overpriced and definitely way unhealthy frappé and read my overpriced and uninteresting books (well, book. I mostly read my Comp. book). Firestone called and told me that I really need to spend about $1,000 more dollars today doing necessary, but financially impossible, repairs. I politely declined, read some more and picked up my car.
I should have noticed at this point that my day was going better than I anticipated. I mean, you give a student a day with the potential for no nap time, and let's face it, it's practically hell. But at Starbucks I sampled the most delicious pumpkin spice frappé, and as I walked over to Firestone impeccably timed, I should have realized that this day was different. Special.
After paying an arm and a leg, I set off for the Y. I have recently started a couple fitness programs that motivate me to find a way to get there every other day. I'm running my first 5k race on 10-10-10, and I am participating in a challenge issued by a fitness blogger (see halfofjess.com). Basically for the challenge (Drop Dead Gorgeous By December or DDGBD) we set goals for ourselves and report weekly with our weight, picture of us with a positive sign, the goals, and a brag and thing to improve on. My goals are as follows:
1. Run a 25 minute 5k (or less)
My least unattainable goal at this point. But hopefully I'll get there.
2. Two sets of 15 lunges
Last week I could do two sets of 8. Now I'm at 10. I'm pretty confident on this one.
3. A 90 second plank
Last week I was at 20. Now I can do a 40 - albeit barely.
4. Make 5 new close friends
I wasn't involved last year and regretted it. This year I'm changing that.
But I digress. I ran at the Y W5D2 of the C25k program. It was rough. My first real training day since hurting the ankle, it was supposed to be run 8 min, walk 5, run 8. I did it, and ran, but I didn't get as good of a distance as I wanted. Well, I got the distance I just went over time on the second 8, which puts my at close to an 11 minute mile. Ugh. But I also got the worst lower back/side cramp during that, so the fact I ran was amazing in of itself. I'm learning about perseverance!
After my grueling work-out, I showered and read blogs for a while. Anne Jackson is releasing a book of essays that are awesome. She posted seven on seven diff blogs of people of know her. The first one is at donmilleris.com. I'd def encourage you to check it!
After spending way too much time on the computer and not enough studying (like 45 minutes) I headed over my boss' house to cook dinner. I made stuffed peppers, and they were delicious if I do say so myself. I love cooking and it was so good 1. to have a kitchen, and 2. to not eat caf food. Eating was so much fun too - it was me, a co-worker, my boss, and her husband and it was great to talk and laugh together. I love Christian community!
Next, I headed to a prayer meeting. I was so nervous because I knew virtually no one coming, but I went. Big step. A couple other people came and it was awesome. It was great to pray. Love it. I'm going to go weekly and I really hope the Spirit brings more people! Hearing them reminisce about past groups got my yearning for something similar. Again, it was so awesome to experience community.
We chatted for about a half hour before I realized how late it was. I headed back to good ol' Dennis Hall, and stopped on second. I have never spent that long just chilling in a girl's room on second! It was great to chill with people from a different floor and to laugh with them. Oh how funny they are! I also talked to a girl about getting involved with the CH Youth Group, something I feel the Spirit tugging on me about, but I am terrified to actually do. It's tomorrow. Oh boy. Pray, pray, pray.

Though my day may seem mundane and boring to you, I can't get past this overwhelming happiness and peace. Kudos if you read all that, and I hope your day is just as great.

On Power

Darkness.

In front of a window damp with condensation,
one streetlight shining through.

On a chair in the midst of assorted items,
crying to be packed.

Lightning playing across the sky, a simple display of beauty and might.

I can't help but wax a touch poetic as I gaze out into the street. Every once in a while lightening brightens up the sky for a minute, dangerous and strangely beautiful. In spite of all of our modern technology and our ever-growing knowledge of weather lightening still holds an odd power over us. It can force changes in plans, changes in lifestyles (in extreme cases), and changes in our moods. It's interesting that something so seemingly insignificant and irrelevant can wield such power.
Since the dawn of creation lightening has existed. Some scientists even claim that lightening existed before we do (which, I suppose, creationists could endorse. I don't know that the Bible ever specifically records the beginning of lightening). We know a good deal about this force of nature, yet we remain in awe of it. It's power over us is truly incredible. So much of life is spent seeking such a power. We're encouraged from the get-go to be people of influence, people who can make the world turn. But why? No doubt such people must and should exist. But what's wrong with leading an ordinary life? A life that is filled with laughter and friendship rather than dramatic deals and shallow aspirations? Is it that important that the world knows who I am and what I've done? Is it worth selling my youth, adventures, and personality to become whatever I can to succeed? I think not.
With my sister's pending wedding, marriage has been on my mind. Not that it's ever a topic far off (it's a Bible college thing), but as friends get engaged and married, it is especially prevalent. And the more I think about it, the less compromising I seem to be willing to do. I don't want to get married if it means anything less than a life of adventure, passion, and beauty. This isn't to say that I am, in any sense, afraid of the hard times (well, maybe some), but rather that I won't settle. I may be naive about love and marriage, but if it doesn't life up to my ideal why would I want to accede? Marriage is a huge sacrifice and, honestly, not one that I could willingly make without a huge return. So I'm not going to become a wife. I'm not trying to hook a man by any means -- that's not what success, value, or power are to me. I am learning to be content and realize my value as a single woman, a woman free in the world to pursue unlimited opportunities to glorify God. I'm not planning a wedding or my dream date - if those fall into my world, into God's plan for my life, lovely. If not, I'm still powerful. I'm still indwelt by the Holy Spirit. I'm still God's chosen. It may be hard, but it'll be worth it.

Summer 2010

"There are mountains to be climbed, molehills to be laughed at, and milestones to be achieved. It’s vitally important to write down achievements, failures, and hilarious memories which mold us into the people who use our past as reference points for the future."
That's the beginning of Bianca Juarez's latest blog entry. As I read the post which outlined a mountain, molehill, and milestone in her life, I realized that I rarely take the time to outline those in my life. While not everything that might qualify for one of those categories can't be mentioned in this blog post, I think that August brings with it a good time for reflecting over the summer.

Mountain:

Lifeguarding - I was so worried and stressed about the class, and even more so about the actual job, but at the close of the summer the score was Tasha: 2.5 (one kid just needed an assist) vs. the bottom of the pool: 0. There were definitely some scary times - times when the water was cloudy or it was dark or there was the possibility of a storm - but overall it was very rewarding and completely worth the time and effort I put in. Duonna seemed pretty happy with the investment as well.

Molehill:

There were several molehills this summer. One was a particular email that got sent when it should've been forgotten. Another was a family matter that ruined a good surprise. While molehills have always been the best teacher, my philosophy remains that the lessons should be remembered and the specifics forgotten.


Milestone:

Definitely my two mile run in July. Twenty minutes. It felt amazing. I wish I could do it again - and I will! As soon as I can run on this ankle without putting it in danger of greater injury, I plan to push myself. I want to run a 5k this year, and hopefully be training for a half-marathon at this time next year. I want to lose some weight, gain some muscle, and mostly just be healthy. I'll post more specific goals later, but that gives you just a glimpse of my fitness dreams for the coming year!

Self-Control

I can make monstrous messes, but I can clean to Monk's satisfaction. Very rarely am I motivated to go to such extremes, but the principle stands. Of course now that I am older my messes are generally scaled down. When I was a little girl and cleaned my room, I would rush and drag my Dad down the hall, so proud to display my hard work. Around the time I was ten, he would always respond that I was so good at cleaning up my messes, but I needed to work more on keeping it clean.
Even though I can now keep my room clean, I can't seem to keep my life metaphorically clean. I am genius at saying or doing the wrong things, then coming back with these amazing apologies. I suppose it's great to be good at apologizing, but I'd so much rather be good at restraining myself.
Recently I realized this even more clearly. I sent a nasty message on Facebook to a person that didn't deserve it. I rushed in with an apology, but the thing is, that message will always be a part of his perception of me, and worse, his perception of the people and institutions with which I am associated. Best case scenario he sees me as a dumb teenager who can't control her mouth or her feelings. That's not how I want to be remembered.
How does that glorify God? I desperately need the Holy Spirit to work in this part of my life. The more that I think about him, the more assured I am of his power and his amazing plan for helping us to become Christ-like. I just finished reading Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit by Francis Chan. It was amazing, and I already want to re-read it. It's so full of truth that's all too forgotten. The Holy Spirit is what gives us the power to change and become Christ-like. If we are filled with the Spirit, we cannot be filled with the world, and worse, the devil. I've been seeing him work more actively in my life, but unfortunately not enough. How can you ever have enough God?

Ramblings

Lately I've had a lot of stuff just circling around in my head. Here's a brief sampling of what's up:

-My foot is still bothering me. Although the swelling has gone down, it's still painful. My chiropractor, Kurt*, told me that there was a possibility that I'd rolled it, because some obscure bone was out of place.

-We're watching a lot of criminal shows at home lately. We've pretty well exhausted Criminal Minds and NCIS so we're onto Law and Order: SVU, but I did catch them watching Walker Texas Ranger earlier. Needless to say, I'm worried. If I have to hear that "the eyes of the ranger are upon you" again, I might take out the TV.

-My sister is seeing Twilight tonight. She's dead to me as soon as the movie begins. I really don't understand this vampire obsession teenagers in our society are exploring. And it's not limited to the teenagers! I remember being at camp when the books started coming out, and I thought they were weird then. That must have been when good taste was in.

-I really enjoyed my two-mile run last Friday. The sky was absolutely beautiful, and the way that it met the long, farm grass was absolutely divine. I've never seen such vivid colors. I never thought I'd say it, but it was definitely worth getting up before seven. I love a pretty Missouri, and listening to Francis Chan during the run was the icing on the cake.

-There's a commercial floating around about this awesome DVR that you can watch in any room. You record in the living room, watch in the bedroom, pause it and pick it up in the bathroom. I know I'm a girl, but why would you want to watch TV in the bathroom? I understand that sometimes that's just time you aren't getting back, but TV, really? I draw the line at a magazine.

-Conversely I truly enjoy the Geico commercial with the drill sergeant therapist. It's awesome, partially because I've wanted to say those things sometimes. I'm a semi-terrible person.

-I've decided to become a high school philosophy teacher, probably in an urban setting. That'd be awesome.

-I nearly forgot my new favorite video.



*Unfortunately my chiropractor is not named Kurt. But I feel like it should be.

Impulsiveness

When I was a little girl, the phrase that I heard the most - beyond a shadow of a doubt - ran along the lines of thinking before I did something. It's shocking that I can't remember the exact phrase because I probably heard it fifty times a day. I've always been impulsive and it's always gotten me in trouble. At this point in my short 19 year existence, I've toned it down. But occasionally, when something REALLY ticks me off, I forget how bad it can be. Well, I don't forget. I think at the time, "this is going to get me in trouble. I will regret this" but I still do whatever it is that is going to get me in trouble 97.9% of the time. When my mind's made up, I generally do whatever I want, regardless of the consequences. I like to say I'm easy-going, but I'm stubborn. And that's not good. I'm not flexible, and I'm certainly not easy to correct. But I so want to be.
I want to grow, but I feel little progress. That frustrates me. Because I decided to grow this summer and recent events have told me that I'm not. My mind is both my greatest strength and my most crippling weakness. When I set my mind to something, I'll do it. But that sometimes gets in the way of really loving Jesus. I don't know what to do. I can't think my way out of this and that frustrates me to no end. So I guess I'll just have to let God fix me.
One of the most tangible proofs of this is my ankle. I seem obsessed with my feet lately, but I promise I'm not. I've been doing the couch to 5k running program since camp started. I'm on week 6/9 - or I should be. After my two-mile run on Friday, my ankle hurt. I manned up and ignored it, because I'm a stud. Actually, I got distracted. Around one-thirty, it was swollen. Like twice the size of my normal foot. It's still not back down, but it's healed enough that I can get around. I medicate and elevate, but nothing's changing. It's probably rolled or sprained, yet I still want to run. I know it's a terrible idea, but I set my mind on doing this program and I have to do it. So I'm resisting the urge to pursue this TERRIBLE idea and be a responsible adult. I just need a break, but I so don't want one. I guess this is just a growing opportunity...

The Sun

Faithfulness is something that is vitally important to me. Maybe it has something to do with my longing for consistency and stability, but the older I get the more I value faithfulness. It's one of my favorite traits of God (are we supposed to have favorites? I guess we'll see if I get struck by lightening upon publishing this post). I was thinking about that as I ran this morning. Whether or not God answers the immediate desire of my heart, He's still faithful and worthy of praise. He'd be worthy of praise no matter what, but we serve an all-good God, and so I know that He's looking out for my best interests. He has a plan "a" for my life, one plan that will bring me the most joy and Him the most glory (which is my ultimate aim). This prayer may not be a part of that, but I know that a faithful God will answer me, and He will continue to point me towards where I need to be to let plan "a" fall into place.
I associate faithfulness with the sun rising. If there were a daily reminder in creation, that would be it. The sun always comes up, God always shows up. So, since we Christians love to tattoo our bodies with reminders of God so that we can seem deep, relevant, AND super spiritual, I decided that I would have a sun painted on my big toe during my pedi today. I have to say, it turned out quite cute. I love it, and I think of God's faithfulness every time I look at my foot. Hmmm...

Half-Way Gone

We are officially half-way through the summer and this week was the roughest yet. It was a test of so many different parts of my character and commitment, and unfortunately I don't think that I always came through with flying colors. But I am still forgiven. I'm still redeemed. I'm growing, and that's the important thing.
One night I went down to the campfire after the kids (despite the coyotes the campers assured me were there), and I thought about how I often think about how far I've fallen from where I want to be, and how great God's grace is for me. While these things are true and important, the cross is more important. God's holiness is still important, His justice and righteousness. God has so many more traits than we can possibly grasp at once, and so I often tend to focus on one or two traits I like, and I get stuck there for a while. Then I have these campfire moments where I encounter more of God, a different side, and I become fixated on that. So I guess my question tonight is this: how do I not fixate? How do I know?
A couple nights later, I was down there again. There is one thing that I so badly want, and I can't sense an answer on God's part (which probably means wait - something I'm not so good at). This week this issue has been especially on my mind, and I've had several dreams about it, and I so badly want to read something into those dreams. I yearn for their contents to be true. As I sat at the campfire this second time, I told God all this. I mean, He knew, but as I've been attempting to give it to Him and then snatching it back, it's dawned on me that I can be completely honest. He knows me, He knows I'm fallen, He knows I'm striving. There's no reason to hide my feelings. I cry out for His help, and He responds, in the moment, for the moment. I'm learning more and more that He will sustain me in any and every way, which is cool, but frightening for sure.
So much is going on right now that is emotionally exhausting and confusing. I just want to hit pause or fast forward or stop and switch out some characters or change the movie entirely sometimes. But I really wouldn't trade my life for any other. I love my family and my friends and my job, and as young as I am, I realize that too few people say that and really mean it. I have a glorious God to serve, and I have everything I need. Of course I have some preconceived notions of what I want for my life, but ultimately I'll be happy to follow my Creator and Redeemer wherever He wants me, including into a high-risk high school to teach philosophy (my new ambition. Of course I'll bring my cap gun. I don't wanna get knifed!...). But right now my sister and future brother-in-law are doing a photo-shoot for the birthday girl, and I need to be in real life, not blog world.

Exhaustion

This weekend has redefined that word for me. After a long, tiring week (120 campers!), I drove the most beautiful 150 miles that I've seen in a while to get to Carthage for my cousin's wedding. It was beautiful. I wish Jess and Randy all the best (and Haidyn!) as they start their new life together. I also got to see my brother and sister-in-law at the wedding. They were the music. It's been a while, so it's always good to see each other and catch up. It was weird without Tina and Nat though. Only a few more weeks!
We left the wedding around ten, got out of town a bit before eleven, and got home a little after one. This morning I woke up at eight to help return a car with my father, and headed over to the Spiegels to baby-sit a 5, 3, and almost one year old. They were quite a handful, but fun. We went swimming for about an hour, which was quite a task. Of course the minute we got into the gate things got chaotic. It's safe to say that I'm not quite ready to be responsible for three kids 24/7. I got home, facebooked for a bit, and crashed. I was super tired and a little power nap did me a lot of good. I'm still more than a bit ready to crash, but now I can at least function. I just have a communion thought to prepare and I'm good to go. I'll postpone my run till the morning. I can barely move right now.
I talked to the youth group last week about the objections to the faith that claiming Jesus is the only way to God is intolerant and that a loving God wouldn't send people to an eternity of suffering. Naturally, hell is a hard topic to wrap our minds around, and the more that I turn it over in my mind, the more I see the urgency of our task. I've also made some good progress in J.P. Moreland'sThe God Question. Moreland makes several interesting points, and though dry, it's been a good read. I'll have to get moving if I want to get through my reading list!
That's basically what's on my plate these days. With a little more sleep, and a lot more prayer, I'll make it through to break. :)

An Attempt at Art

Lately I've been enjoying photography, and more specifically, editing the photos I take. Here are a view I took at home last weekend and during my run on Wednesday.

Not to be Served, but to Serve:

Lately I've been thinking a lot about those words. Originally appearing in the Gospel of Mark, they've become a sort of motto at Ozark. I can't count how many times I've heard that this year, and now it's ingrained in me so deeply that I can hardly accomplish a task, particularly a distasteful one, without it springing into my mind. I guess this isn't a bad thing - in fact it often makes such a task more pleasant. Nonetheless as they echo through my mind fifty times a day, I can't help but marvel at the ways my attitude so drastically changes. Of course, occasionally I ignore them, but that's usually to my own disadvantage.
Working at the camp is pretty much the bomb.com. I'm not gonna lie, it's amazing. Nurse Jess is something else. Fortunately she likes me, so I feel pretty safe. Last Saturday night we decided to go for a walk. It was about eight when we left, and we were planning to walk a decent distance. An hour and a half later, we started to worry about how far we'd gone. Jess knew where we were but it was getting dark and we were a good couple miles from the camp. Darkness fell rather quickly and we were essentially terrified to walk through the country in the dark. We finally got back to camp -safe and sound- at around 10. Before church Sunday we drove it, just to see how far we'd gone. 5.5 miles. We're pretty bomb, I'm not gonna lie. Her favorite things: grossing me out with her spider bite, fb stalking (we do that together, usually), being scandalous (not so much anymore), and running (she's helping me train to run a 5k with her in August. we're so intense!). She makes life pretty exciting. We spend A LOT of time together.
The cooks, Emily and Sheri, are pretty nice. When I was an intern I spent a lot of time with Emily and Jess, so it's nice to be able to hang out with them again. Now, however, she's married and preggo. Exciting. Emily is pretty funny and the three of us are having a poker night Monday. Legen - wait for it - dary (Emily also likes How I Met Your Mother - gold).
I love my boss, Duonna. She's just great.
Sunday's the first day of camp. Generally I spend the afternoon at the pool, in case any kids want to swim. Then we serve dinner and I make sure the dining room gets cleaned up. There's an evening canteen around eight, but other than that my night's free. I usually hang with Nurse Jess. Mondays and Wednesdays I wake up around six thirty and go running (couch to 5k). After I clean up we serve breakfast and I get the campers wiping down tables, sweeping, and doing dishes. I finish up anything they don't have time to do, then I water flowers, dead-head, and weed. But I get to drive the golf-cart for that. Legendary. Then I get some free time before serving lunch (unless it's Wednesday - then we go up to the chapel with the campers for Missions), dining room clean-up, break - usually we hang at the pool - lifeguarding (what, work???), dinner, clean-up. After dinner, we sometimes go to the Chapel for worship, or we go back to Jess' cabin. Then, of course, canteen. Afterward, we pretty much do whatever. Around eleven or so, the faculty comes down to the cafeteria to hang out, but I don't stay very long because I'm tired and/or don't really know many of the faculty. Tuesday and Thursday are similar, but without the running and the watering. Also, Thursdays I help make breakfast in addition to serving. Fridays I run and water before brunch (I get to sleep in until eight!), eat brunch, supervise dining room clean-up (a little more intense on Fridays), help with any more clean-up in the kitchen, pack for home, and head out! It's really not a bad schedule at all.
This weekend has been pretty great so far. After my chiropractor appt yesterday (which felt SO good), I came home and chilled. It was great to see Anna. I was going out with some friends and she and my mom were meeting Dad for pizza, so we got ready together. So nice. I met up with Hannah and Katie for dinner at a nice Italian place in Independence, then we saw Prince of Persia. SOOO GOOD. Best movie I've seen in a while. I got home at a little after midnight, but I couldn't go to sleep until three-ish. I had to watch the season finale of Glee (GOOD) and catch up on my blogs - (stuffchristianslike.net, tylerstaton.com, bryanallain.com, plus the blogs of friends I follow). Then, up before eight to hit the Old Navy sale with Anna. I wasn't thrilled about going but she really wanted to, so we did. Of course, I came home and slept. Mmmmm. Nice. We've basically just been watching the Back to the Future marathon since. Truly a great way to end the weekend (I'll have to leave from the church to get back to camp - but hey, potluck lunch).
So I didn't really have a vision for this post. Kudos if you read all that, because I probably wouldn't. I guess I just wanted to give the blogging-world a taste of my life right now and what I'm thinking. Until next weekend, much love.

The Best is Yet to Come

A few years ago I was talking to my brother. He had recently graduated or some other such achievement of age, and I said something to the effect that he was now a real grown-up and the best days of his life was behind him, that all he had left was to live vicariously through others, in particular his children (when they came). He replied something about believing that the best days of his life were before him.

"If we had nothing to look forward to," he said, "what would be the point of living?"

That statement caught my attention and has stayed with me since.
So much of our culture says that this time of our life is the best. Whether it's high school or college, the emphasis is on the young. But that's not the entire truth. There are so many great things in our lives that we can't appreciate until we're older. In every stage of our lives, there's something great waiting for us. If we don't believe that the best truly is yet to come, where is our hope?
That being said, I feel like this is going to be a great summer. And then a great school year. I think that every year, and every year I find it to be more or less true. I have great expectations, starting with working at West Central this summer.
I spent Memorial Day at the camp for the annual Rally Day. I really enjoyed myself - and not just because I wasn't stuck in some terribly uncomfortable over-starched button-up, short-sleeve purple curtain. I did manage to buy WOF approved shorts to wear, however. I guess after years of searching I do it unconsciously. However, clothing was the least of the improvements over Worlds of Fun. The drive (about an hour and a half) is pleasant, beautiful in many places. Although I wouldn't want to commute daily, I think the drive weekly won't be too bad at all. I enjoyed the work environment and definitely the people. It will for sure be a fun summer. I also learned that there's no internet at the camp. Oh boy! But it will give me a chance to focus on reading and learning more about Jesus. I'm gearing up for a pretty legendary summer, but I know that the awesome-ness will last far beyond the end of August.

Suffering

Elisabeth Elliot, in her book, These Strange Ashes, makes the point that a God fearing life does not mean that we are immune or exempt from the troubles of the world. Perhaps that is why the story of Job has always fascinated me. He was involved in a cosmic match of power. I suppose we all are to some extent, but Job was different, more so. The devil actually approached God and challenged him to see if Job would be faithful when he had nothing. Job’s story stretches over 43 chapters and it is a story of intense suffering. My favorite part of the book, apart from when God shows up, is the reaction to Job’s suffering. I think that the people in the book give us great examples of how we should minster to people who are suffering: through encouragement, our presence, and compassion.
Suffering has become a weighted word. It covers so many different struggles that we often don’t think it’s applicable to us or those around us, especially in light of worldwide suffering. But that doesn’t make the pain less. For the purposes of this speech, I want you to think about all the terrible things we encounter. For some, that’s death. Sometimes it’s divorce or betrayal. Not all of us have encountered a Job-like situation. But we’ve been around people who have been in situations like divorce or the death of a loved one, and we always will. For that very reason, we must study and learn from Job’s situation.
The first person to input her opinion on Job’s suffering was his wife. In chapter two, she tells him to “curse God and die.” Not the most encouraging words for someone in intense suffering. I think there’s definitely a possibility that, since her situation was directly tied to his, she wanted to short-cut the suffering. Much like the doctor we’ve all encountered who barely listens to the symptoms and rattles off some prescription because he wants to get through his patients quickly; we often want to give a quick solution before actually examining the problem. But if Job had taken this advice, he would have sinned and the challenge would’ve been won by the devil. I’m sure this was tempting to Job. At this point, he had lost all his wealth and family, he’s covered in painful sores from head to toe. Death was appealing. But he was faithful. Job was unique – he was God’s example of “blameless, upright, a man who feared God and shunned evil.” Not everyone is like that. If we can learn any lesson from the example of Job’s wife, it’s to encourage those we know who are suffering.
Encouragement isn’t something to check off the to-do list. It’s an intentional change in our lives. Merriam-Webster’s defines encouragement as a means of spurring someone on, helping them go forward. It certainly takes longer than a five minute phone call to accomplish that. The other day in class, Kirschner addressed this issue. He gave us a list of do’s and don’ts for when we encounter the suffering. Many had to do with the issue of encouragement. He suggested that we read books on the subject of miracles and healings. There’s nothing more encouraging than remembering that we serve a God who is powerful. Of course, the disclaimer attached to this one is that we should be careful not to stake our faith on it. We have to let God be God and not come to view miracles as an obligation of him. Another way to encourage someone suffering is with practical service. Help them with day-to-day chores that would help relieve them of some stress. Jonathan Acuff, author of Stuff Christian Like, was reminded of how much a simple meal can be an encouragement. In his blog post on the article, he humorously analyzes the type of food that’s appropriate for certain tragedies, but he hits on an important truth: Christians do an excellent job of providing meals for each other. But I think the most important way to encourage someone suffering is to simply listen. Let them talk and express what they feel.
The most powerful example of this in my life was one day last May, when my friend and I were at Wal-Mart. We met a woman at a photo kiosk that had just lost her husband. Of course, that wasn’t the first thing she said to us. But as we listened to her story, it became clear that she just needed to talk about him and their life together. She spent everyday at Wal-Mart, scanning literally hundreds of pictures to cds because she couldn’t bear to be in their home without him. She told us about their childhood together and her very first kiss from him-a butterfly kiss. The mood completely shifted as she spoke of his death. “I’m mad at him,” she insisted. She paused. “On our last anniversary, he promised me twenty more,” she said, as her voice cracked slightly. Tears running quickly down her cheeks, she told us about the funeral, and her little granddaughter’s haunting sob that they had left Grandpa. Throughout all of this, it was so clear that she simply needed someone who would listen to her. When we left we knew that, in some small way, simply talking had lessened the burden.
The second group we meet in Job’s story are his friends. In verses 11 through 13 of the second chapter, we get a picture of what I think our encounters should look like. “When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.” I love this passage. They wept with him, they didn’t speak for a week after they arrived – they engaged in his suffering. It’s a great precedent to have when it comes to dealing with our friends as they suffer.
The three friends were wonderful until they open their mouths. After Job expresses real emotion in response to their suffering, his friends almost reprimand him. They all blame his faith or lifestyle for the suffering brought onto him. They attribute it to God, to correction. Job’s reaction is not one of the comforted. He is increasingly distressed by each friend’s speech. As I read through this a couple years ago, I became convicted of something in my own life. Sometimes, when we encounter hard times in our friends’ lives, we rush in with clichés and actually hurt their faith and make their suffering worse. My friend Sarah, whom I’ve talked about before, lived in an abusive home for years before she told me. By the time she did tell me, the physical abuse had stopped, but her father continued to emotional abuse and manipulate her. Often, she’d call me in tears. At 17, with literally no life experience, I had no idea what to say. Sometimes I’d just cry with her, sometimes I’d try to reason with her. Now, she’ll say that I wasn’t that bad, but I know that I made it harder for her sometimes. People don’t want to hear that God is trying to build your faith. They want to hear that God’s crying with you. And sometimes they don’t even want to hear that. As much as they want to know why, the answer will never satisfy them. Don’t try to explain, sympathize. Show compassion.
The woman Katie and I met in Wal-Mart had gotten a dose of religion that replaced compassion. She described the minister, comforting her, and all the well-meaning people using the cliché “He’s in a better place now.” “How can it be a better place,” she wondered, “if we’re not together?” The pain on her face spoke more than any amount of talking ever could. The tone of her voice slid from the gloomy, melancholy tone to a dark, anguished one. I don’t know what to say in that situation. But I know that admitting that is okay. People don’t expect you to know how they feel – how can you truly know? But a lot of times, they just want someone to be there, to show them that someone cares.
At some point, even already, you’ve encountered someone who is in a hard season of life. Maybe you said and did the perfect thing. But maybe you’re in the same category as me: you don’t know what to do. You’ve said or done the wrong thing, you haven’t cared enough, you’re still learning. And that’s okay. But let me remind you of Job and the example of the people in his life. Don’t be Job’s wife and tell them to curse God and die. Encourage them. Be there with them. Take a lesson from Job’s friends’ reaction. Go to them, mourn with them. But don’t blame them. Don’t give them some b.s., religious talk about enduring the suffering. Show them the God of compassion and sympathy.

On the Road...again.

For someone who isn't all that crazy about driving, I spent entirely too much time doing just that this weekend. The past three days seem to be a blur of dashed lines and a countdown of miles. Nevertheless, it was a good weekend. As exhausted as I am, and as little as I'm looking forward to the drive back to JoMo, I have to say is that it was a good weekend.

Friday:
-Two and a half hour drive home in the room. Chiro appt, coffee with Katie. Thespian banquet, night at home with the family. Total car time: Maybe three hours.
Saturday:
-Half hour drive to and from Anna's basketball game (she likes to shoot three-pointers), twenty minute drive to meet a friend, graduation party, forty-five minute drive to and from Blue Springs for a mini-Antique reunion. Total car time: about four hours.
Sunday:
-Church, cousin's graduation party (Two and a half hours away), visit the grandparents. Total car time: Five hours.
I feel like I've spent the entire weekend in the car, with a few snapshots of fun - but as much as I hate spending so much time in the car, it was totally worth it to get to see so many wonderful people. I've already spent over twelve hours in the car this weekend and the drive back to Ozark is even less appealing as I stare at the
tally. But after that drive, only one more stands between me and summer!

A Different Way of Looking at Prayer

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Eph 6:18

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. Colossians 4:2
Prayer is pretty important, I guess. Especially the way Paul puts it in these passages. But sometimes I think we forget just how great prayer is. I mean, I’ve been hearing it for 19 years, and to be honest, sometimes I just tune it out. But the more I think about prayer, the more captivated I become. I'm so blessed to go to a school that has literally hundreds of books on this subject. I’ll probably spend the rest of my life trying to read them all. No Twilight for me, give me some Moody or Murray. Which, on a side note, is infinitely better anyway. I mean, come on. Twilight. The Itsy Bitsy Spider could beat that. But I digress. What I want to share with you is some of what I’ve learned, some of the things that have revolutionized how I think of prayer. Hopefully, these things will help you in the same ways they did me.
The first thing that I realized was the Fatherliness of God. While God is always pictured as the Father, I don’t think that we consider all it means often enough. He’s so close to us that we can call him “Dad.” It’s mind-blowing, really. I recently finished reading With Christ in the School of Prayer by Andrew Murray. One of his greatest themes is the Fatherliness of God. Every chapter is permeated by reminders that the Creator of the universe longs for our small voices to call to him, “Abba, Father.” Here's a journal entry I wrote in response to a chapter that I read that dealt especially with this topic:

I love my Dad more than just about anything on this earth and he's an awesome dad. So if an earthy, fallen human can be so amazing and so committed to taking care of me and loving me, how much more will my heavenly Father be? I can't imagine a better dad than my own, but there is One! My favorite quote of this chapter, though, is this: "We aren't supposed to learn to be holy as a hard lesson at school so we can make God think well of us. We are to learn it at home with the Father to help us. God loves you not because you are clever or good but because He is your Father. The Cross of Christ does not make God love us. It is the outcome of His love for us. He loves all His children: the clumsiest, the dullest, and the worst.”

If that is the God we are praying to it doesn’t matter what we say or the words we use, but what we mean and our attitude. If I were to talk to God the same way I talk to my earthly father, I can tell you I’d be praying a lot more. And with a lot more enthusiasm! And honestly, since I thought about this, I have! It’s amazing.
The second thing that changed my view of prayer was in Catherine Marshall’s book Adventures in Prayer. Marshall mentions a lot of interesting points on prayer, but the one that really captivated me was that we should pray to “catch a vision” of God’s plan for our lives. In her book, she writes:

He wants us to catch from Him some of His vision for us. After all, this is what prayer is, men cooperating with God in bringing from heaven to earth His wondrously good plans for us....

When we engage in prayer, we make ourselves available to God’s bigger plan for our lives. It enables him to prepare us for the incredible things that he has for us. He’ll allow the plan to get inside us, to ignite our passions, and allow us to do things for God that we never would’ve dreamed for ourselves. And I can honestly attest to this. When I’m active in my prayer life is when I dream biggest. Prayer gives us a vision for ourselves, but also for the future, for God’s glory. In his sermon entitled “Prayer or Fainting,” George Campbell Morgan says:

"Prayer is not merely position of body or of mind. Prayer is not merely asking for something in order that I may obtain it for myself. Prayer forevermore says when it asks for anything, 'Not my will, but Thine be done,' which means, if the thing I ask for,however much I desire it, however good it seems to be, will hinder or postpone by a hair's breadth or a moment, the ultimate victory, it should be denied to me. Those who know the real secret of prayer life have discovered the fact that God's denial of our requests is over and over again the graciousness of overwhelming answer. To pray is to desire forward, to seek forward, to endeavor after. It is to have a new vision of God and of the ways of God, of the perfection of all He does and of the certainty of His ultimate victory, and then to respond to the profound and tremendous conviction by petition, by praise, and by endeavor; and so men 'ought always to pray' and to 'pray without ceasing.'"

Finally, prayer gives us a chance to be real. In prayer, we can be ourselves. We don’t have to put on a face, say the right things. We’re not under any sort of rules or judgment. So why do we act like we are? Anyone who hasn’t been “in the church” for a significant amount of time will attest to the fact that Christians speak their own language. And unfortunately, that often carries over into prayer. When Kyle Lake first raised this point in [Re]understanding Prayer, I didn’t realize what a big part of my prayer life is in clichés. Then I started to try to eliminate them. Boy, is that hard. And it isn’t that I don’t mean them sincerely. But I’ve used them so often that I don’t think about what they mean anymore. For example, if I say “Bless and protect” or “Guide” so and so, what am I really praying for? If I “lift” someone up to God, what exactly am I doing? These are great expressions, and they’re cliché for a reason. But are we hiding behind them? Have we gotten to the point that we pray without thinking? Because I think that is a dangerous line to walk. So I want to challenge you to eliminate them. Spell out for God what exactly you mean. Of course, God knows. But do you? If nothing else, it’ll give you something more tangible to understand the cliché by. And if you can’t be real and honest and specific with your Heavenly Father, who can you be real and honest and specific with?

So today I challenge you to marvel at the Fatherliness of God, to catch a vision for what he wants for your life and what he’s doing around you. And finally, I want to challenge you to be real with God. For, as George Campbell Morgan says,

“If we do not pray always, we never pray. The man who makes prayer a scheme by which occasionally he tries to get something for himself has not learned the deep, profound secret of prayer. Prayer is life passionately wanting, wishing, desiring God's triumph. Prayer is life striving and toiling everywhere and always for that ultimate victory. When men so pray they do not faint. They mount up with wings as eagles, they run without weariness, they tramp the hardest, roughest road, and they do not faint."

Antique Girls

I met my best friends at Antique Photo the summer after my freshman year. None of us had any idea what was in store for us that summer. None of us had very high expectation, I'd venture to guess. But there we were, stuck in a small shop, where we'd sit for hours on end and simply talk, if it was slow (ie for all of June...). Perhaps it was the sheer amount of time we spent talking about anything and everything; it could have been our shared love of taking pictures. Perhaps what sealed the bonds of our friendship was every negative customer that we made fun of after they left. Whatever it was, we became fast and forever friends. Well, maybe not forever. But I sure hope so.
These girls redefined so much for me, especially in terms of relationships. There's way to confine their influence to one area or to try to explain it in one sitting. They've changed my life, become an integral part of it. A part that I hope to never see go. Working with them was the best working experience of my life. It made a crappy job seem amazing. It never dawned on me that Antique was a terrible and frustrating place to work until I was there alone. Yes, I had a few girls from the group working but we were never scheduled together. And one transferred, the other was frequently sent away. The first summer we were all there. We had a few other girls every year, but they were really just drifters. The second year, almost all of us returned. Another INCREDIBLE summer. The third year began to go downhill. It was just me and Katie. Rachael had to grow up and intern at a graphic design place, Hannah was working at the mall, Khira had to work in Richmond because of the gas places, and we'd fallen out of touch with Sunny. Katie and I had a lot of fun together, but it was hard without the other girls. My fourth (and final, Praise the Lord) season it was just me and Hannah and Khira. I already mentioned how that went.
The point is that I love these girls. They are truly my best friend. Which is why I've decided to devote a blog exclusively to Antique escapades and memories, a way to walk down memory lane and keep each other current as well. I'm so excited about it I could hardly sleep last night. So, if you want to be amazed at tales of the friendship that makes Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants look like the fight scene from Star Wars, check it out.
http://sixgirlsandacamera.blogspot.com

15 Days to Go!

I am so ready for summer, it's unbelievable.

This year has flown by. It's weird to think that I'm old enough to have a year of college finished, but it's true. At the same time, I can't wait to be completely done. I have no clue how that will feel. It seems so....grown-up. And while I am okay with being 19 or 20 or even in my mid-twenties, I still don't feel like I should be classified as an adult. But I guess that's officially a couple years away. Right now I can still be a college kid.

It's crazy to think about this time last year. I can hardly remember it. So much has changed since then! I guess I had no idea what to expect at Ozark, and thus, very few expectations. I thought this would be one of the best years of my life, and it was definitely a good year. But it dawned on me that God is forever preparing us for his work.

It doesn't matter how old we are, he always has another ministry in mind for us, and it's better than the last. Sometimes I picture God in heaven, sitting on the edge of his chair, leaning forward and saying excitedly, "This is coming together so cool. This is gonna be awesome. Watch how this falls into place. It's gonna be so great." (theologically speaking, that may not be entirely accurate. But I still see it.) It's funny how we think that we're being prepared for our career and family and that's how we'll serve God, then eventually retire. The thing is, you never retire from God's service. And why would you want to? "Oh hey, God, listen. I'm getting up in the years, and it's been a great run, but I'm gonna need to step down from helping to bring your heavenly kingdom to earth and this whole 'spreading Jesus' shindig. The old body's just not what it used to be. But we're cool?" What? Who would say that? But I thought that. I mean, not in so many words, but the principle stood. I assumed there was one ministry God was preparing me for, and I'd just work there as long as I could. Except that I gave my whole LIFE to God's service, not just my career years. And family can extend beyond that and it is a viable ministry. But that's not all we're limited to. It just blows my mind to think that God can use me in bringing his kingdom to earth, his words to action, whether I am 9, 19, 29, 59, or 99. And he's using each to prepare me for the next! So awesome.

I have kind of stopped trying to guess what God's up to. It never turns out the way I think it will anyway. I was going to try to put together a list of expectations or goals for next year, but I can't begin to imagine it. I'm just going to take it one day at a time, I suppose. I can say that I hope to read this summer. Like, always. I have a list of authors that I want to check out and some for fun books I've been dying to read! I'm a huge nerd, and I'm okay with this. But I can't wait to have time to read! Of course, I'll be lifeguarding at the camp. But who knows what else will spring up? God has a way of putting incredible opportunities in our path when our eyes are open...

A Disclaimer on Yesterday's Post

Normally I wouldn't publish a post like yesterday's. I hate to so obviously share such emotions, such discontent. I was never the girl who posted her inmost feelings on Xanga- I had one post that was a little too real and I deleted it. I don't like to hurt people's feelings. I don't like to have people worry about me. Most of all, I don't like to make mistakes.

To a certain extent, I realize that's healthy. But I go beyond healthy. I'm terribly overcautious, unrealistic. I want to have a life unmarred by bad choices, but that will never happen. I'm human and fallen and I need Jesus.

My anger has all but disappated. I'm still a little irritated at my back and hip, but that's normal. I spent entirely too much on the phone with people very dear to me, and that brought me out of the rut I was slipping in to. When I say "too much," I only mean by the standards of the term paper that I should be writing. It was good for me to listen to the worlds that are so far from me, to know what they are experiencing. I was so wrapped up in me it was impossible to be content. I'm so glad I serve a God who kicks my butt sometimes!

Angry.

For some reason, today I am angry. There's just no way around it. Things that ordinarily might not make me especially happy annoy me, and things that on an ordinary day truly would irritate me are blown out of proportion. Even spell checker is on my bad side right now.

And I hate this feeling. I hate the discontentment and apathy it inevitably gives way to. I think that it's okay to be angry and to have strong emotions, but I often end up bottling them up until a day like today hits. Then I still bottle it up, but I don't hide that I'm irritated. My poor roommate has probably suffered the most from this. I mean, I haven't been intentionally unkind or catty, but I know I'm being distant.

This has been getting progressively worse throughout the weekend. And I know it has something to do with my back going out and the excruciating, constant pain that accompanies that for the first few days. But I don't think that's all, or even the main thing. I'm tired of people imposing their views and expectations for my life, and tired of waiting to really start my life. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing enough, not doing my part. And yes, there are things that I need to step up and take action for, but I've had a few doors shut lately, and I'm not good at dealing with that.

More than anything, I'm angry because what I want most isn't a part of God's plan for my life right now. At least, as far as I know. And what makes it worse is that it would make perfect sense.
So that's my angry rant for today. I'm sure things will start to feel better eventually.

News

I am an incredibly blessed young lady.

As I was walking out of chapel that thought occurred to me. I wish it was a thought I focused on more often. I mean, I really do have a lot - A LOT - to be grateful for. My life may not fit into a category or anyone else's vision of happiness or success, but I am happy. I do feel successful - more than that - fulfilled! I know that this is where God's wants me right now and that He's preparing me to do things that matter. And it doesn't even have to fit anyone else's view of something influential or even worth the time. I know that God is weaving together my passions and His heart, that His plan for me is going to blow my mind. I just have this great feeling that I'm standing on the edge, about to leap into something wonderful: my future. I've never felt this way before and that's the most exciting part, I think.

As hard as some things have been, I'm starting to see how they're going to play into my future. I'm already learning so much from them, even though it's nothing that's actually been resolved fully. Like one situation, where I'm realizing how important surrender truly is. It's really been testing my submission and relinquishment. But it's so awesome!

I've been trying to spend a lot of time in prayer lately, about an hour a day. And boy, does it fly by. It takes me a while to actually get motivated to do it, but I love it and I'm starting to look forward to it. It doesn't get much better. I've been doing a lot of reading on prayer this semester, and it all has a direct influence on the way I pray. The most insightful thing (from last Tuesday...too much insight to pinpoint one overall "most insightful thing") was from Kyle Lake's book, [Re] Understanding Prayer. He was talking about how often we get caught up in "prayer lingo" and use cliches that are wonderful expressions, but really don't mean anything anymore, because we use them without thinking about what we are really trying to say. So he suggests that we avoid them and say what we mean. What do I actually want to happen when I pray that God will bless someone? It's really challenged me, but it's allowed me to be so much more real with God and more aware of my prayers.

Another related thing to that is that I've been reminded - nearly constantly- this week that God loves me. Not just the cliche "Jesus loves you, He loves everyone, and wants you to have the best life you can have." That's true and good and all, but I'm talking about deep, passionate, new bride love. This started really with Sunday's sermon. Since the Honduras team was delayed overnight in Houston, we used a video sermon by Francis Chan, When Sin Looks More Enjoyable Than God (I've linked it - Great sermon!). He really hit on the idea of God's lavish love for us, citing Jeremiah 2 and 3, as well as James 1:13-18 or so. Basically the idea was that sin may look better, but ultimately it will lead to nothing. He talks about God's great love (the Jeremiah passages speak to this) and how the saddest part of temptation/sin is that we choose it over God. The love, though, that he described was incredible. I've never thought it through a whole lot, but he used the illustration of a marriage that he had recently performed. The lady was older and had a 28 year old daughter with the mentality of a six year old. All throughout their engagement, she would ask, "why me? I have wrinkles, I have a daughter, it's going to be hard..." And he would always reaffirm his love and commitment to her. During the ceremony, after exchanging rings with the bride, he turned his attention to the daughter. He presented her with a ring as well, a symbol of his commitment as a father. This 6 year old, trapped in a 28 year old body, lost it. She couldn't believe that he loved her, and she ran up on stage and wrapped her arms around him, shouting "you love me, you love me, you love me!" What a perfect way to look at God. He's presented me with the opportunity to be his child, to love him and be with him forever. And the more I reflect on it, the more I just want to talk about it. Oh God, you love me, you love me, you love me. It doesn't matter why or how, he does. That's just all there is to it, and I am overwhelmed by it. Simply overwhelmed. And what's more is that I just want to be in love with Him!!! I want to love what he does, I want to talk like he would, I want to do the things He did, I want to go where He is. It reminds me of when I was a little girl and I would get dressed in my Dad's shirts and shoes and walk around. I've always wanted to be Daddy's girl, to be just like him, and that's translated into my relationship with God as I think about His love.

Speaking of my Dad, the Honduras Team made it back! They were about 20 hours later than we expected, but it was so great to see them! I nearly cried in the airport - not that I'd let anyone see me cry. It seemed silly. The same tears would leak out anytime I read the blog of the great ways God was using them! I was so proud of all of them, especially my Mom and Anna. It was just amazing. I'm so glad they went, but I'm happy they're back. It was weird to not have them in the country, not to be able just to call or text if I had a question or wanted to tell them something. I got to talk to them on the phone once, and Anna used my Mom's fb to chat with me as well. The entire trip is just such an incredible testimony to God's faithfulness!

Speaking of faithfulness and God's provision, an incredible opportunity came up through the school and my Christian service. I volunteer at an after-school tutoring place affiliated with College Heights. The school apparently gets a certain amount of money each year to go towards work-study and they had no one to give it to - the person who gets it must tutor in the community. My name came up, through the lady who manages the the tutoring place, and I got a call that the Federal gov would pay me, through OCC, to tutor! It's minimum wage, but it goes straight to my unsubsidized student loans! And, because Ozark has to use the money, I'm actually doing them a favor. I get to hang out with the kids and help them, rip off the Feds, and help OCC all in one activity!

I also wanted to share a new blog I found that's been consuming my time. It's quite amusing, actually. It's stuffchristianslike.net, by Jonathan Acuff. He has a book of the same title. You should probably check it out.

The only other big news item is this: The Hondurans know what they're doing when the make coffee. Delicious. Tina better buy it in bulk this summer.