I'm Nothing Special

There is nothing about me that makes me any better than the crowd. There is nothing about me that makes me special. But it seems like ever since I took my first breath, everyone in my world has always made me want to believe that I am something special, something different. Parents, teachers, friends even. But the honest to goodness truth is that I'm not.

I don't think this phenomenon is limited to me (although if it were, I suppose I would be special). The more that I interact with people, the more I believe that we are becoming a disgustingly narcissistic people. I see it in the stupid arguments at grocery stores, in the entitled attitudes of the people I work for or with, even (especially) in myself. If you have a pulse, you believe that you are right and that you are the most important thing in the universe.

Don't feel bad, we all do it at one point or another. Of course that doesn't make it right. See, nothing kills friendship faster than one person elevating themselves over the others. This is even more deadly in community (the current buzzword of any "relevant" Christian today). If you have a group of believers that are committed to building each other up, nothing can rip that group apart faster than introducing a diva - except maybe introducing two. Even in mature communities, it can cause ripples of dissension.

Forgive that side tangent.

The point is that any sort of narcissism - no matter how minor - is incompatible with the call of Christ. Time and time again in Scripture, we're told to die to ourselves, to elevate others, to love above all else. We're called to rid ourselves of the fleshly selfishness that rules our lives and to be set free for the sake of freedom - for the sake of discipleship and true glorification. It is such a paradox - to die to self in order to be truly glorified.

See, although we are far from special we're each called. Isn't that a glorious mystery? Although God did not make me any better than anyone else, He has called me differently and He has equipped me differently. It's nothing that I have done, but it's truly by the virtue of His grace and His extravagant love. In 2 Timothy, Paul says that we're saved and called not because of what we do but because of His own purpose and grace. The more I turn it over in my head, the more I realize how disgusting and worthless I am without Christ. Yet I have been chosen. You have been chosen. Each of us has been chosen! How much greater it is to be chosen by Christ for Christ than to be special by earthly measure!

As I've realized this truth, it has changed me some. Interestingly, it has made me quieter. Ask anyone who knew me as a child, and they'll gladly tell you that I never shut up. I heard that "empty wagons make the most noise" and that it's "better to leave your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and give them no doubt" once or twice... But lately, I find myself glad to be silent. Because I don't have something special to say most times. I'd rather listen, honestly. Now, I still can get pretty chatty sometimes. But I don't have to open my mouth and prove anything to anyone. I don't have to prove that I am smart or witty or have a better ministry or calling or relationship with God. Because, in all honesty, there are smarter and wittier people. And why on earth would I want to make anyone envious of my calling or ministry or intimacy with God? My calling is unique to me, and God has prepared me for it. He's not using me as some sort of role model or example to anyone through this. He is simply preparing me.

Today the coolest thing happened. I was running late to a coffee date with some friends, and I didn't really know which Starbucks it was at (I went to about three). On my way to the first one, before I realized that I had gotten off at the wrong exit, there was a homeless man asking for money. I wrestle a lot with the concept of giving homeless people straight cash (which I actually usually don't carry) but today I had a $5 bill. I waved him over, but the light turned green as he got to me so all I could do was hand him the money and apologize for driving off so quickly (I don't really know what else I would say, but I felt bad still). I drove down the street a little and realized I needed to turn around. Then I saw him, the same homeless man, walking out of a restaurant holding a bag of food. It made my day. And as I got back on the highway, I couldn't help but think that God had ordained that little detour so that I could be a part of something really cool. I got to buy that man lunch. I got to see God glorified.

I know that might be a silly example but it is these little moments that make me sure that God has something chosen for me. He had chosen me to work in the man's life today. He had prepared me. I never carry cash, and rarely do I have a five dollar bill. I know it's nothing grand or incredible, but these moments where I see the instant pay off are what keep me in the game. Truth be told, ever since I realized that God's chosen my future (I say it lightly, but I realize the implications - so far as I can, and I wouldn't let anyone else choose it), I've gotten a little lazy. It's remarkably easy to kick back and do nothing but say that God's got it covered. But in these moments of small gratification, I'm reminded to keep pursuing Him and to pursue what He has for me. It's a little kick back in the game - a little taste to keep me going. You see, salvation is not the end of the spiritual journey and growth, but the beginning. I think too often we forget that God is not satisfied with the life that's left in the baptistery. Sure, He wants people to be baptized and saved, but only so that they can follow Christ. Salvation is the means to the end - the glorification of God.

See, I'm nothing special. But He is.

Psalm 103

Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west,so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.
-Ps. 103

It is hard for me to describe the incredible joy and peace that I have experienced in the past few weeks. God is so faithful and good, He is holy and true, He is wonderful, and He is near. I am so blessed to be called His child!
This year has been perhaps the most difficult yet. I feel like I have been challenged in every way, and God has been so faithful and good through everything. And now I am living in the truth of His wonderful provision, and it is good. His love is overwhelming and true beyond anything I've experienced. He is the God who faithfully provided for a small dream that began three years ago. He is the God who will faithfully provide every good thing for a every dream that He has given me. He is the God who is worth praising before He provides because of all He is and all He has done. He is the God who gave us Christ, the God-man who was crucified, buried, and resurrected. Oh, to know Jesus in the power of His resurrection! To be made like Him! This Jesus is the transforming power that changes lives from ashes to beauty. His Spirit is moving and pushing and doing incredible things. More than all this, this God answers prayers and works overwhelmingly in my weakness. This is the God who has told me who I am - that I am loved, chosen, made clean and pure, given the task of reconciling men to Him, and enslaved to righteousness. I am free from all of the shackles and lies of the devil, and sin has no hold on me. This Christ has made me His, and I rejoice in that!

He has transformed a community that was devastated just one year ago. He has been glorified even as creation revolts and destroys itself. He has taken what was mortifying and heart breaking and He has faithfully been present and working. He has been glorified simply in His faithfulness and goodness and His healing. Joplin will never forget this past year, and May 22 at 5:41 will always hold a very somber significance, but I can proudly say that God has been glorified even in this tragedy. I pray that He would continue to work in Joplin, especially today. I pray for His protection over the city, but I am confident that He will not waste anything that happens - good or bad. This is the good God we serve!

I am so blessed to return to a new house and roommate in the fall (as well as the old ones!), a new job, and a community where Jesus is moving. I get to start my education classes and finish my OCC education.

And this summer, I get to return to my summer home - WCCSC! I am so excited for my last camp season - I do love camp, and I dread saying goodbye. I am excited to run the GlowRun with Jessica and to get one test over with. I am excited to grow closer to my Savior and to have a season of rest. God is so good!

Trust

I'm Natasha Ohmart, and I am a control freak. I don't think that revelation surprises anyone who knows me, especially people who have known me since I was a child. I have this insatiable craving to know exactly what is going to happen to me. I used to pester my parents to no end to know the details of anything that was going on, and I loved knowing that I was in control of what I could and couldn't do. That drive has been beneficial in so many things, but it has taken a serious toll on my faith.

I trust God. I do. At least cognitively. And I'm letting Him lead me to my future, I trust that He'll protect me and use me for the glory of His kingdom. But on a smaller scale, I like to control things. Like my finances. And my plans for the day. I don't handle interruptions and upsets well. Especially major one. I came close to hysterics today when something that involved a big amount of money (for a college student) went wrong. And as I was talking to my dad, the concept of trust kept coming up. What started as a frustration with bureaucracy escalated to legitimate fear of the future while Dad affirmed over and over the truth of God's provision and offers of help. And as I drove to class, it occurred me how little I trust God with the little things. And that's wrong.

You know that scene in Aladdin where Jasmine and Aladdin are running from the police? They go up to the roof and Aladdin extends his hand and asks, "Do you trust me?" That image has been playing over and over in my head. I see God asking me with a bemused smile, "Do you trust me, Tasha? Can you surrender control?" And the things is, as much as I want to, I don't know that I can say yes. My first reaction when I get bad news is to panic and call my Dad rather than to bring it to my Heavenly Father and proceed in His peace and the comfort of His promises. But that is what I want my reaction to be. In Romans it talks about how Abraham "did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God." I want to be strong in my faith and give glory to God, to not waver through unbelief, and to know that God will come through.

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

-Colossians 2:7

Can I just honestly say that Colossians is rocking my world lately? I'm really not sure why - I think I've probably read it at least a dozen times before. But all of the sudden I am seeing gems of doctrinal truth that I have never noticed before. It blows my mind that as I become rooted in Jesus and as I continually abide in him, that he is growing me. All stuff I've heard before, but it is as if something clicked and I am really internalizing it.

Chapter three is seriously changing my life with Jesus. Realizing that my life is nothing because it is hidden in Christ - that He is my life - whoa. Or getting rid myself of anger, malice, envy, filthy language from my lips and putting on Christ. Praying in the morning that He would clothe me with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Realizing the freedom that comes from a heart that is full of the peace of Christ and the joy of gratitude.

Dear friend, we are free! Christ has risen from the dead and given us this wonderful, glorious joy that we are no longer entangled by sins or hang ups or failures or anything that you'd like to call it. No longer do we have to be enslaved by the patterns in which we were raised or the stigmas that society has placed upon us. We get to be free.

And even more than that, we are called children of God! That we are NOW children of God, not that it is a future glorification but that we have been adopted now and are being transformed. A few weeks ago I was preparing for a seminar called Leading Children to Christ. That has also been a controversial topic in my own heart, and I was anxious to learn, especially developmentally, how to create healthy disciples in young children who may lack the abstract thinking skills that Christianity defaults to. As I was writing out my testimony in 10 year old language, it dawned on me that God loves me. Not in a "oh, God loves everyone because He made everyone" way, but in a deep and personal way. God loves me for me. He loves my personality because He created it. He loves each of my crazy quirks, and I make Him laugh with delight. And so as this transformation process occurs, He's not trying to throw out all of the fun parts about me and make me only holy, He is correcting the parts of me that were corrupted by the fall. As He makes me more like His Son, He isn't changing me to be a carbon copy in every way, He is making me the person I was intended to be. He doesn't want a church of exactly the same people, He wants all types of people: the wild, the passionate, the strong, the weak, the timid, everyone. So His transformation is the best thing that I could ask for. He is helping me to get rid of the anger and bitterness that have overgrown like weeds in my personality. He is helping me to cultivate patience and love and gentleness. That is what it means for Christ to finish His work in me - that I would be fully me as it pleases my Creator. I would be holy, loving, righteous, sanctified, and me. What freedom and joy and peace that brings me!

I think the American church has for so long sold only two identities: Man and Woman. The Man must be strong, a good leader, stable, vocal, and oh so wise. The Woman should be quiet, a good helper, graceful, polite, and good with children. Those qualities aren't bad in of themselves. But trying to cram a variety of personalities into one of two molds is bad. Being who we were created to be is better.

Over this semester, I have learned so much about God, and I have fallen even more deeply in love with Him. I have learned to trust Him so much more, to be more patient and what for His provision and time with a little less anxiety. I have learned that He is a good God, that He is unfailing in His faithfulness, that I love Him so deeply because of who He is, but also because of His great, lavish love for me. I don't know why He loves me. I honestly don't. But I am perfectly and overwhelmingly content and joyful to live in that love.

He is such a wonderful Savior. He is a glorious Savior.

Faith

Of late, I have had the pleasure of reading a few very challenging and thought provoking books. In particular, I have been reading about August Hermann Franke, founder of the orphan house in Halle, Germany and forerunner to George Mueller. Franke founded an orphan house that has provided food and education for literally tens of thousands of students (if not more) over the past three hundred and some odd years on less than five dollars. And of course God. If he has taught me one thing, it is that the biographies of those completely sold out to God are far from boring.

Franke was a university professor and pastor who was deeply sold out to God. As a child, he requested of his mother a private study where he could read the Scriptures and pray. Later, he went to the University and studied religion. It was in the course of his studies that he came to what he called his true conversion - the beginning of his radical devotion to and faith in God. He was regularly attacked by members of the German church for being a fanatic, but it was he who brought about revival in Germany. He preached straight from the Bible, which was somewhat rare in that day (circa 1670). When he was asked to preach in Halle and be a professor at the University, he began to notice the lack of religious instruction innate in the poor, particularly the children. Being a man devoted to the work of God, this troubled him greatly and prompted him to begin collecting donations to change this. From here, it snowballed. Franke's life is one of radical dependence on God and watching God's provision come at just the right time and amount. There were times when he had upwards of a hundred orphans to care for, plus a school and other outbuildings, and not a cent to his name. But God always came through and Franke never lost his faith. He was a man of prayer and thanksgiving, a man who sought his own betterment for the sake of bring glory to the Father. Even when he was wrongly accused or reproved, he always responded with a grace that should be characteristic of every Christian.

The life of Franke has left me pondering my own. Do I have faith like that? Do I truly believe in the God of divinely orchestrated circumstances and just-in-the-nick-of-time provision? Is my faith what drives me or is it a safety net? Oh, how I long to be a woman patterned after the life of Christ. I long to have such a bold testimony to my Redeemer as Franke's life evinced. I long to live radically for Christ, to have such a strong faith in my heavenly Father. I want to believe with every fiber of my being. And I think that I do. But I also think its a growing process, and a process that cannot be truly evaluated until the time that the product is crucial. In the meantime, I pray that I can be such a witness to Christ.

Its amazing that we humans long to believe in something so deeply, to have faith in relationships or the goodness of humanity or even in themselves or security. And to believe in those things to some extent isn't necessarily a bad thing, but they should never be the end all be all of a person's faith. Because they ultimately will disappoint; relationships end, people commit heinous acts that testify to the falleness of our condition, security vanishes, and people disappoint themselves. But I believe in a God who is bigger than all my failings or the failings of this world, a God who redeemed me from my brokenness and is continually restoring me to holiness. And I rejoice in that, though not as often as I should.

But often believing in God is the most daring and courageous thing that is available. It can be a crutch, yes, but if you truly believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that He is more than just a shoulder to cry on or some sort of divine homeboy, you know that the life that He calls us to live is far from easy. It is far from a walk in the park. In Luke, He tells his disciples that those who are persecuted, hungry, poor, and mourn are the ones who are truly blessed because of the reward they may expect in the life to come. He continues this dialogue by proclaiming that the rich, the well fed, the ones who laugh and are esteemed have received their reward in full. Honestly, that is a challenging passage. Is God calling His people to put themselves in the way of poverty and famine simply for the promise of a castle in heaven? I don't think so. But somehow I think such things are woven into the Christian life. I think we find ourselves constantly bombarded by people who are in those conditions or living dangerously close to them. I think we ourselves must be willing to be in those circumstances if they should befall them. I think that we must always chose Christ over laughter, riches, or even a piece of bread. I don't have it all figured out yet. I'm wrestling with extrapolating this from the American Christianity we have so blindly adopted and mixed with the Gospel.

But I do want a deep faith, a faith so strong that the foundations of it can move mountains and make the devil shudder and enable joy and contentment in every circumstance.

If you are interested in Franke's work, here is the present day website of the school he began. How amazing it is that this project, started with $3.50, is still alive and well today, educating thousands??

http://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=de&u=http://www.francke-halle.de/&ei=YL1CTuT_MOStsALA09XCCQ&sa=X&oi=translate&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CDoQ7gEwAA&prev=/search%3Fq%3DFranckesche%2BStiftungen%2Bzu%2BHalle%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG%26tbo%3D1%26tbm%3Dbks

Urgency

Repent for the kingdom of heaven is near.
-Matthew 4:17

Urgency is more or less the buzzword of our generation. Vocalized or implied, this three syllable word seems to motivate nearly everything we have or do. "Now! Now! Now!" chants the class of twenty-somethings taking their place in society. "Give me the nicest, newest toy now!" "Give me the best job now!" Urgency is an undeniable theme by which we are governed.

Yet how often am I urgent when I preach the Gospel? How oten do I speak such a simple message of truth? How often will I leave my daily tasks - my livlihood, my social agenda, my all - for Jesus?

Far too rarely, I fear. I so admire the twelve for their immediate reaction to the Christ Incarnate. They knew less than I, yet were far more willing to respond to the call of discipleship. After the crucifixion, resurrection, and ascension, they earnestly proclaimed the kingdom. I wish that I would step up with the same boldness for Jesus - to proclaim the Gospel instead of sneaking it into some care package of social justice and missionary support. I wish that I was less often a cheapener of grace and more often a proclaimer of the true, costly grace that I have received.

But in a society turned off by the explicit statement of any one religion, how can one do that? Paul gives us some help in Acts 17, but I still feel more or less lost. Is it a lack of courage that stills my tongue or is the Holy Spirit preventing a fumble? For now I am still wrestling with that discernment.

But the kingdom is near and millions have not heard.

Things I'm Learning:

Discipleship and the Individual.


That's the title of the chapter I just finished in Dietrich Bonhoeffer's classic book "The Cost of Discipleship." Bonhoeffer makes many excellent points regarding discipleship in the chapters preceding this one, yet it is this one that has gripped my heart in a strange way.

As I sit on a greyhound rolling through southern Kansas, I feel alone. I don't mind it, but there is something about traveling alone which seems to render the individual more individual. There is an independence, an alertness, that is of natural consequence to the journey. Perhaps that is why I enjoy traveling alone - flying solo, if you will. This chapter reminds me of that feeling, in some ways.

See, Bonhoeffer examines the text in Luke 14 that sats that if a man wants to follow Jesus, he must hate his father, mother, sister, brother, wife, etc. It is a strange passage to the naked eye. Pulled out of the surrounding verses, it paints Jesus in a very different light. Of course, any extended study of the passage reveals that Jesus is employing hyperbole, but that it is vital for Christ followers to have Christ as their priority, the most important relationship in their lives. I very muched like Bonhoeffer's elaboration. He talks about how this call, this grace of Christ which beckons men and women to lay down their lives and pick up their crosses, it individualizes. Christ is not calling my parents or my brother and sisters, He is calling me. And that's an important thing to distinguish. When I picture Jesus pointing at a group of people which includes me, I feel the responsiblity that I am called to slacken. When just I stand before the throne of God to be handed a task, there is much more seriousness and commitment required.

That is what the call of Christ does. It peels through the layers of protective men and women who perhaps have already answered their call, straight to the center where I stand. Christ beckons me and leaves me with the choice to follow or disobey, boldly contradicting his teachings and aligning myself with his enemies. There is no half-way line to stand on when Christ calls because he specifically calls individuals. He does not call countries or family groups or tribes or friends; he calls the individuals which form them to break the ties which have been a part of their lives, to leave everything to follow him.

Bonhoeffer also points out that the minute the call is accepted, there is no direct relationship except with Christ. All relationships hereafter are mediated by Christ - both relationships with the Father and relationships with other men and women. "We are separated from one another by an unbridgeable gulf of otherness and strangeness which resists all our attempts to overcome it by means of natural association or emotional or spiritual union. There is no way from one person to another."

It is an interesting thought to turn over in my head. The idea that Christ's call to me demands surrender of all direct relationships. Of course, the pro to this surrender is the knowledge of the promise of community and the purity of love for others that comes through Christ's mediation - whether they also have answered the call or whether they are still being sought.

Still, it is rare that surrender is easy.


1 Timothy 4

Verses that caught my eye:

Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.
This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance (and for this we labor and strive), that we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe.

Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.


My mind is a little bit gone to mush, due in part to the long West Central days that I rejoice in (despite their wear on my body), and a little bit due to the long and draining swim that occupied my evening. It's rare that I get upset enough to just need to swim but that was the case tonight.

Yet these verses capture my attention. There is something about them which draws me in, beckons me to inspect them just a bit more closely than the neighboring verses.

How do these words change my life? They should, shouldn't they? The Word of God - the living and active Word that cuts like a double edged sword - should profoundly affect my life each time I inspect it. Tonight finds me wondering what godless myths and old wives' tales Paul was referring to. Simple false religion? Or something more? Superstition seems like a viable translation. But what does that mean for me? What am I not seeing? I do want to train myself to be godly. I want that more than I want physical fitness and health - I truly do - and that's a great deal. This kind of ties into the pull I feel from the last verses - orthodoxy has always been quite important to me. I want to believe - and do - what is right. But what is my motivation? To be good? But why? Why do I desire goodness? Why do I desire God? Undoubtedly we were created to desire God, but why do I desire righteousness? Simply to be righteous? It's a sort of catch-22. I want to want it for the right reasons, so does that automatically disqualify it?

I'm not sure. My mind is still grappling with that one. Here's what I do know: I want the latter part of that first verse - the reason Paul labored - to be true. I want to work always because I hope in the Living God, the God who can pick up broken pieces and put them back together, the God who is still in control, even in the midst of incredible chaos.

On love and marriage. And rest.

At the present moment, I sit in the guest room of my brother's home as the sounds of the concluding numbers of the annual jazz festival waft gently and soothingly through the open windows from the park across the street. The time that I spent here, though a few days from being finished, has been so restful and rejuvenating. The greyhound adventure was rather calm, though it had its interesting moments, and I am beginning to feel more like myself.

The last few weeks have been truly draining. So many conflicts, both internal and external, waged war on my spirit and the grueling tests that ended the year were no help. As much as I love my community and all that I do in Joplin, I had to leave. I looked forward to leaving. Though I did not realize the extent of the damage that the last month inflicted, I did know that it wasn't healthy for me to stay there - the feelings that I had been suppressing were bound to roll over the top. I know suppression is rarely healthy but I think that it was in this case. I have a habit of imposing unfair expectations on people and then becoming quite disappointed when they fail to live up to them. While holding in all of my thoughts towards the end made the last days a living hell at some times, it saved the people I love from my hurtful words, and for that I am grateful. It was important for me to leave and process everything, in order to heal and be able to contribute to the community again.

Then the storm hit. If my emotions had been in shambles before such an event, the wreckage was far from distinguishable after. I have no claim on anyone's pity, because I was not there, nor do I have any right to call what I felt even a glimmer of survivor's guilt. Yet there was an emotional attachment to the city that made my heart turn within my chest. The few days I spend at home turned from a Sabbath to days of walking around with a heavy heart and great sadness. Hours were spent staring at the wreckage, trying to mentally map the pictures flashing across the television and computer screens. The time that wasn't poured into grieving and praying for Joplin was devoted to studying to become a re-certified lifeguard, and then I almost immediately shipped out to Oklahoma, a girl running on empty and ready for distraction. Even my quiet time, my time with Jesus, suffered greatly.

But in this home I have found greater peace than what I could anticipate. In the delighted smiles of my nephew and the long talks with my sister-in-law about love and marriage and family, I have felt joy. It is wonderful to feel someone pouring into me in the way that Erin is. It is wonderful to talk to someone who has been in my shoes and felt as I do, to talk to her about the beginning of her and Nathan's relationship and things that pertain to love and self-image. As I watch their little family together, I see a "someday dream," one that has come to pass for her and one that I still fervently pray for.

While I think I could remain unmarried for the rest of my days and survive, I know that I crave a marriage. I want to be a God-honoring woman no matter where I am or what my relationship status is, and so I pursue God first and foremost. Yet there are days when my someday dreams crop up and get the best of me. I want to embark on the adventure of marriage, of serving God together for life, of furthering the kingdom by two people, divinely unified for all days. But I think the God part is far more important than the two people part.

These thoughts (not regarding a certain someone, but in general) began to chyrstalize after a recent trip to the movie theater. I rarely go to the movies (before this one, I think I saw Toy Story in June). It's a lot of money for something that doesn't retain my attention well. And a long time to sit still. But some friends were going, and I decided I was in the right mood. We saw the movie Something Borrowed, with Kate Hudson and John Kransinski and a whole slew of other talented people. The story is that Kate Hudson is engaged to this guy who's evidently had feelings for her best friend forever but thought they were unreciprocated. The night of the friend's 30th birthday, truth is revealed and so begins the affair. For a long time it goes back and forth between them feeling awful about sneaking around and painting Kate Hudson's character as the bad guy. Surprisingly, months go by before the fiance makes a choice between the best friend and Kate Hudson. I mean, who saw that coming? A guy who's good enough to sleep with the best friend of his fiance doesn't have the stones to give a definite answer to either woman? Wow, crazy.

The movie really got under my skin for some reason. I'm sure part of it was my emotional vulnerability, though I wouldn't discount the annoying habit I have of analyzing everything that come through my mind and philosophically dissecting it in terms of everyday practicality. After wrestling with it for a few days, here's what it came down to:

I have come to disdain chick flicks. I'm tired of movies about desperate, lonely girls who do stupid things in pursuit of a forbidden man, who in turn loves them for their immoral and selfish ways, claiming great emotional connection as the end all be all.

That's not the woman I want to be. So am I doomed to single-dom? Since I want to have a man nobly and God-fearingly pursue me, respect me, love me? Since I want to fall in love once and have Christ at the center? Since I want to be in love with a man who loves me in spite of - not because - my character flaws, a man who pushes me to be a better, more Christ following woman? Since I crave more than an emotional connection, but a moral, intellectual, and spiritual connection that preludes any sort of physical or emotional vulnerability? Am I facing a future full of lonely nights and endless bags of cat food because I want the man I love to enable me, to push me and challenge me in serving God? Because I want a partner in ministry and a man to help in bringing glory to the King, the Creator of the universe and the Redeemer of souls? Does that rule our the possibility of romance and passion and deep, deep love?

Doubtful.

As much as I crave this experience, this connection, this love, as I much as I desire to be a wife and confidante and lover and servant to a man to whom I have given the days of my earthly existence and the trust of a life together, I could not be happy in a relationship lacking such things. I'd rather live the singe life forever.

Rarely am I comfortable sharing such intimate thoughts, yet there is a point in all my rambling. I'm tired of the lowering expectations for romance and building a life together. I feel like girls are falling prey to the myth that men can't be better, can't change. I'm not suggesting that withholding all affection and intimacy is the answer to a morally degenerative society, but I do think that - to some extent - when ladies have high expectations, men rise to meet them. I can't help but wonder how many men would become better leaders, better husbands and fathers, if woman could accept their identity as beloved daughters and sisters in Christ rather than pursuing an identity as a wife, mother, lover, girlfriend, etc.

It'd be an interesting experiment, I think. I could be wrong, I don't know. But that knowledge does not compel me to change the way I'm living. If my expectations are that morbidly incorrect, I think I'd rather miss out on the whole thing anyway.

Joy

I have found a new obsession. Coincidentally, this obsession is the best thing that I have ever done.

I wrote a little about the mentoring project I am working on in my last post. That little snapshot was a gross misrepresentation of the amount of time and energy that I have devoted to this. Since week of e (spring break), I have been working to pull this thing off. More than anything, I've been turning it over in my head, trying to see it, trying to make it real.

Well, as of May 3rd, it is real.

The reality of it still sends shivers up my spine. That one thought makes me feel like I'm on a roller coaster, about to descend the first real hill. My stomach leaps to my throat, and it's a bit hard to breathe. It's happening. This is my baby - the thing that I am most passionate about. And it's actually becoming a reality. The impossibility of it all strikes me more than anything. Like I said earlier, this is the best thing I've ever done. More than that, this is the type of thing that I have always wanted to do. It's a small piece of a dream that is intricately connected to my heart, something so intimate yet so public now. In many ways, it's bizarre.

It's still weird to hear other people talk about it. There's a part of me that selfishly desires to keep it close, to shelter and protect it, to maintain the monopoly of conversation on it. While that part exists, I'm still beyond excited to hear people discuss it. It's amazing how people have caught the vision and the passion that I have had, although I don't think anyone could love it quite as I do.

What happened on May 3rd, you ask? May 3rd marked parent approval. A dear friend and I went to visit with the parents after the Tuesday afternoon activity. Both parents received it extremely well. It was amazing the trust that they had in anything associated with the ministry, which only serves as a strong testimony to the work that is being done. It is an exciting time.

In the next few weeks, I will be introducing the mentoring pairs, helping to set up the first meeting, facilitating a training session for the mentors (speakers: the elementary school principal and a social worker), and making general going-out-of-town preparations. It's difficult, in some ways, to trust something so dear to my heart to anyone for such an extended time. But I'm excited too. I want this to change. I want to tweak it, I want to learn. I want this program to grow and to become better. It's scary to hold a dream out so far and let it be beat against and let it fail in its own right, but I think that is part of the charm to me. It is an adventure.

The fall will already bring several, more official changes to this program. I'm hoping to get grown-ups involved to serve as partners for the young adults who will be serving as mentors. I'm also hoping to compile more information regarding both the students and the volunteers who are involved. I am hoping to have lots more people involved. Ideally, I want this to become a volunteer-led, self-sustaining program that will continue to evolve and benefit people long after I leave.

The fall will also bring the opportunity for me to live in this community, to work harder and longer on this, to devote more time and energy to this. Not only will my housing situation make this more feasible, but also my course load. It's amazing to see everything come together, to watch the hand of God and recognize the opportunities unfold.

But if this whole thing falls flat on its face, my joy will not be any less. My God will not be any smaller. My dream will perhaps be scathed, but it will remain. I am only twenty years old, after all. I hope that this is not the best thing I ever do. In fact, I know it won't be.

Thirty Years

My favorite classes always seem to be exegetical. I love to get into the Word of God and dissect it. There is a great sense of revelation and wisdom that comes from the pages of Scripture and I love having the assignment of reading the Bible.
In my recent reading of John and the notes that accompanied the passage we were discussing, we were talking about Jesus' ministry. There's some debate as to how long it was, and I won't bore you with the details except to say that I fall into the school of thought that allots three years to his ministry. Another debate lies around Jesus' age, but for the purposes of this short post we will say that he was around thirty when he began his ministry.
Jesus spent thirty years of his life preparing for three years of ministry. Just three years. I spend so much time and thought complaining that I have to prepare for 5-6 years for my education degree, yet Jesus prepared for thirty. Of course if you count the k-12 years, and even earlier, my totally preparation amounts to around twenty years, but I will probably teach for at least twenty years.
There is speculation as to how Jesus spent those thirty years. Very little detail is given, and other than the idea that he probably worked in his father's carpentry shop, there aren't any solid theories. I can't imagine what it would be like to be making chairs and farm equipment while knowing that you are the Son of God. I feel so trapped sometimes, because I know that my preparation will take a while and I feel so ready to be actually doing what God has gifted me in, yet Jesus had a much higher calling and spent so much more time in waiting.
I think that thought lends more importance to the idea of preparation and of patience for God's timing. At least for me, I have realized that this time is about more than just cramming my head full of knowledge so that my life can begin. There is so much more going on, more than just knowing how to teach, but learning to depend on God and feel the Spirit move. God doesn't design everyone's ministry this way, but for mine this is definitely true. And I realize that I have the opportunity to be involved in other ministries, and I am, but it all feels so transitory. A part of me wants to fast forward five or ten years, but I am constantly reminded how necessary and fleeting these years truly are. With the example of Jesus to draw encouragement from, I will just have to learn to wait on God. His plans for me are much greater than my own, and I have to trust that He is using this time to get me ready to achieve those dreams, and that He will continue to prepare me long after my formal education ends.


On another note, I am so grateful to have a Godly father with whom I can discuss these things. I love getting older and learning more and conversing with him about these things. He is so wise and so encouraging!

On Power

Darkness.

In front of a window damp with condensation,
one streetlight shining through.

On a chair in the midst of assorted items,
crying to be packed.

Lightning playing across the sky, a simple display of beauty and might.

I can't help but wax a touch poetic as I gaze out into the street. Every once in a while lightening brightens up the sky for a minute, dangerous and strangely beautiful. In spite of all of our modern technology and our ever-growing knowledge of weather lightening still holds an odd power over us. It can force changes in plans, changes in lifestyles (in extreme cases), and changes in our moods. It's interesting that something so seemingly insignificant and irrelevant can wield such power.
Since the dawn of creation lightening has existed. Some scientists even claim that lightening existed before we do (which, I suppose, creationists could endorse. I don't know that the Bible ever specifically records the beginning of lightening). We know a good deal about this force of nature, yet we remain in awe of it. It's power over us is truly incredible. So much of life is spent seeking such a power. We're encouraged from the get-go to be people of influence, people who can make the world turn. But why? No doubt such people must and should exist. But what's wrong with leading an ordinary life? A life that is filled with laughter and friendship rather than dramatic deals and shallow aspirations? Is it that important that the world knows who I am and what I've done? Is it worth selling my youth, adventures, and personality to become whatever I can to succeed? I think not.
With my sister's pending wedding, marriage has been on my mind. Not that it's ever a topic far off (it's a Bible college thing), but as friends get engaged and married, it is especially prevalent. And the more I think about it, the less compromising I seem to be willing to do. I don't want to get married if it means anything less than a life of adventure, passion, and beauty. This isn't to say that I am, in any sense, afraid of the hard times (well, maybe some), but rather that I won't settle. I may be naive about love and marriage, but if it doesn't life up to my ideal why would I want to accede? Marriage is a huge sacrifice and, honestly, not one that I could willingly make without a huge return. So I'm not going to become a wife. I'm not trying to hook a man by any means -- that's not what success, value, or power are to me. I am learning to be content and realize my value as a single woman, a woman free in the world to pursue unlimited opportunities to glorify God. I'm not planning a wedding or my dream date - if those fall into my world, into God's plan for my life, lovely. If not, I'm still powerful. I'm still indwelt by the Holy Spirit. I'm still God's chosen. It may be hard, but it'll be worth it.

Easter > Christmas

I hope I never grow out of Easter.

All my life, Easter has been a purely magical day. Not because I believed in the Easter bunny and all that fantasy junk, but because of everything the day is. I've always loved the preparation that goes into make this day so different from every other Sunday. The new Easter dress-complete with matching gloves, hat, and purse-getting to eat candy all day long, a big dinner, the generally joyful atmosphere. In fact, my feelings very much echo a book from my childhood, The Best Thing About Easter. In the book a little girl talks about all the things she loves about easter-decorating eggs, easter egg hunts, eating candy, bunnies and duckies, and getting all dressed up, but after describing each of these, makes the statement "but that's not the very best thing about easter..." until she gets to Jesus. When she talks about the crucifixion and resurrection, she comes to this conclusion: "I'm glad Jesus loves me! I'm really, really glad, aren't you?"

I am glad! So very glad! To me, the best part of waking up Easter morning has nothing to do with the Easter baskets my Mom continues to make (which, of course, I love!). It's this great, joyful feeling that bubbles out-Jesus is ALIVE! He's risen from the dead! Hallelujah! I know that Jesus wasn't really dead at all during the time I've lived. But for some reason, Good Friday always leaves me feeling a little like He has. And I think that's okay. I rejoice that I can read the accounts of the crucifixion and cry, that my heart can still-after hearing this for 19 years-be moved by the things my Savior endured. But I don't read it with a completely broken heart because I know that Jesus gladly went to the Cross, that I may have life and have it to the full! I am ashamed that He had to, but I am so very glad He did! What a wonderful Savior!

Easter has ALWAYS been my favorite holiday, and like I earlier wrote, I hope to never "outgrow" it. I think that it's okay to still get so excited for it, to still yearn for Easter morning, because although it may be childish, that's the faith we're called to. I think that the most beautiful thing I can ever aspire to be is a child of God. That's not to say that we stop growing and seeking maturity, but there's something admirable in a child-like faith, something astounding in a faith that can defend itself yet maintains the joy and intimacy and confidence of a Father/child relationship. The more I study prayer, the more convinced I am that it is the relationship God yearns for with us.

I digress. The point is, in my eyes, Easter beats out Christmas. Because if Jesus hadn't gone to the Cross and endured the death He did, our sins could not have been atoned for. And if He hadn't risen again, it'd still be meaningless. If Jesus didn't do the work He came for-if he didn't drink the cup that the Father placed in front of Him- even Christmas would lose its meaning. What would we celebrate? I mean, I guess we could possibly still celebrate something, but it would be far, far different. And the only Christmas worth celebrating is the one that finds its greatest meaning in Easter-in the death and resurrection of the Savior.

So thank God my Redeemer LIVES!

The Foolishness of Man, the Wisdom of God

The thing about being home is that I suddenly live in a preacher's house again. Which means that in the event of something happening to prevent the scheduled person from performing such and such a duty, I become immediately susceptible to becoming a fill in. Normally, not a big deal. Except in the event of communion.

The last (and first) time I prepared a communion thought, I thought I had a pretty good basis going in. I worked super hard on it during the week before the service and practiced it a good amount. Come Sunday morning, I was terribly nervous and I don't think I communicated anything effectively. It was a train-wreck, at least from my perspective. I was very shaken up and vowed to never do it again.

Which brings us to about eleven this morning, when my father walks in the room and asks me to prepare a thought. I immediately told him what a terrible idea I thought that was, given the last time, but he said that he didn't remember it being that bad. I told him that if no one else was available, I would, but I really wasn't comfortable with it. He couldn't find anyone else on such short notice, so I'm spending my Saturday evening praying and writing, writing and praying. I'm a little more confident, as of this moment, but I remain terribly nervous about tomorrow. At least if it goes badly this time I never have to do it again!

This is the thought I've prepared, as of 9:31 CST, Saturday night.

The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God. As the Scriptures say,

“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise
and discard the intelligence of the intelligent.”[e]

So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the world’s brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish. Since God in his wisdom saw to it that the world would never know him through human wisdom, he has used our foolish preaching to save those who believe. It is foolish to the Jews, who ask for signs from heaven. And it is foolish to the Greeks, who seek human wisdom. So when we preach that Christ was crucified, the Jews are offended and the Gentiles say it’s all nonsense. But to those called by God to salvation, both Jews and Gentiles,[f] Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God. This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God’s weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength.

1 Corinthians 1:18-25

This semester, I’ve been learning about the reasonable-ness of our faith, particularly in one class. The more that the professor talks about the archeological and historical and philosophical evidence for the hope that we have, the more amazed I become at the God we serve. He’s given us such compelling evidence so that we can reasonably put all our hope in Him! It seems like everyday, more and more historical Biblical records are proven true by archeological discoveries and the Bible has been proven time and again to be the most reliable book of antiquity. There is an astonishing foundation for the faith that we hold and the more I discover that, the more I am amazed at the wisdom of God. I truly believe that anyone who approaches the claims of Christianity with an open-mind and investigates thoroughly all that we believe will only find that Christianity is legit.

There’s one event that has captivated everyone’s mind since its occurrence-one event that causes all of it’s hearers to do a double-take: the death and resurrection of Christ. Thousands of theories have developed regarding our Savior and the work that he came to do, some even crazier than the truth-at least to those of us who know the truth. Looking from the outside in, it’s no surprise that they see this as foolishness. It goes against everything ingrained in the flesh to imagine that a perfect man would willingly endure the most humiliating and painful death possible and it’s just crazy to imagine the same man rising from the dead three days later and ascending to heaven forty days after that-all for the sake of reconciling people to God, people who frankly, were quite unimpressive. But to us who have seen the truth and accepted it, to those of us called by God to salvation, that very event is the power and wisdom of God. It’s truly the best thing that God has done for us, to reconcile us to Him and draw us into His presence, so that we can approach Him confidently as our Father. The cross, the terrible and humiliating death, the one so scorned by the ancient world, so painful, has made us right with a God who desperately loved us but couldn’t bear the sin that we’d chosen. The cross, which seems so foolish to men, is the most amazing and beautiful thing God ever did. This death that serves as a stumbling block to many was the most perfect demonstration of God’s love for his creation.

Let’s pray:

Heavenly Father-

How strange it is to us that such a terrible thing would become a glorious one! How strange it is that One so perfect and holy would leave heaven just for our sakes. Jesus, as crazy as we think it is, we are so thankful for your sacrifice. Lord, remind us of the strange wonder of Your cross. Remind us of your love for us and the life you laid down. Teach us to appreciate your sacrifice more and more each day and reveal a little more of our your love to us. Teach us to love you as you have loved us.

In your precious, holy name, Amen.

With Christ in the School of Prayer

I've come to the realization that my prayers, simply put, are not good enough. I've spent so much time praying for the wrong reasons, for the wrong things. I'm reading a book by Andrew Murray (With Christ in the School of Prayer) that has totally changed my perspective of prayer. I can only read about a chapter a day because the implications of what he talks about are so great that it's impossible to digest any more than that. Andrew Murray lived through most of the nineteenth century, born in South Africa to missionary parents and after his education returned to pastor there. He has such amazing insights! Let me share some:

The True Worshippers: God seeks our worship (John 4:23) because it satisfies his loving heart and it's a joy to him- he calls us to worship in Spirit (we must be in harmony with God as the eye is for light and we must not confine Him to one place or time, and we must recognize that it comes from God, the Spirit-which could only happen after Christ) and in Truth (sincerity, in accordance with the Word, in Jesus). But because we're fallen beings, we can never worship as He deserves. So how can we worship then? Murray suggests that our attitude should reflect this shortcoming. How? A confession of our deep inability for us to bring God the worship He seeks, a child-like teachableness which waits for Him to instruct us, and the simple faith that yields itself to the breathing of the Spirit.
"The secret of prayer in spirit and truth is the knowledge of the Fatherhood of God, the revelation of his intimate fatherliness in our hearts and the faith in his intimate love of us as children."

Alone with God: "The atmosphere in which we breathe and pray is God's Father-love, God's intimate Fatherliness...God is a God who hides Himself from the carnal eye...the man who withdraws himself from all that is of the world and man and waits for God alone, the Father will reveal Himself." We have a Father who sees and hears and knows!

The Model Prayer: "Christ has opened the school of prayer especially to train intercessors for the great work of bringing down, by their faith and prayer, the blessings of his work and love to the world." We will not grow unless this is our aim. "Jesus wants to train us for the blessed life of consecration and service in which all our interests are subordinate to the name, the kingdom, and the will of the Father."

The Certain Answer to Prayer: "We may and must most confidently expect an answer to our prayer...If questions and difficulties arise, don't try to settle them before accepting His word..It is in prayer and it's answer that the interchange of love between the Father and His child takes place."

The Infinite Fatherliness of God: "All He requires is our child-like and whole-hearted surrender to love as children with Him in obedience and truth....He wants us to see that the secret of effective prayer is to have the heart filled with the Father-love of God." This chapter was especially interesting to me because of my relationship with my Father. I love my Dad more than just about anything on this earth and he's an awesome dad. So if an earthy, fallen human can be so amazing and so committed to taking care of me and loving me, how much more will my heavenly Father be? I can't imagine a better dad than my own, but there is One! My favorite quote of this chapter, though, is this one: "We aren't supposed to learn to be holy as a hard lesson at school so we can make God think well of us. We are to learn it at home with the Father to help us. God loves you not because you are clever or good but because He is your Father.The Cross of Christ does not make God love us. It is the outcome of His love for us. He loves all His children: the clumsiest, the dullest, and the worst. His love lies underneath everything. We must grasp it as the solid foundation of our religious life, not growing up into that love, but growing up out of it. We must begin there or our beginning will come to nothing. Grasp this mightily! We must go beyond ourselves for any hope, strength, or confidence. And what hope, what strength, what confidence may be ours when we begin with Our Father which art in Heaven!" AMEN!

The All-Comprehensive Gift: the Holy Spirit is the best gift we've ever been given! It's the gift in which the Fatherhood of God is revealed in.

The Boldness of God's Friends: God prefers our friendship-we are His children always, even when we stray. Friendship depends on our conduct! "Prayer is an appeal to the friendship of God." We pray to obtain blessing and strength for our own lives and for the work of intercession. "God doesn't want us to pray for ourselves, but for those perishing around us."

Prayer Provides Laborers: We must pray for laborers! Why don't we? We miss the compassion of Jesus that made him pray for them and we believe too little in the power of prayer to bring definite results.

And I still have like twenty more chapters! It's been so exciting to learn all this and it's completely changed my prayer life.