Rest

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

What a foreign concept. That memory verse, coupled with a comment a College Heights pastor made about our faulty assumption that the life of sin, or at least the life of someone unconcerned with Jesus who makes okay choices, is easy and full of pleasure have hit me like a two by four. For some reason, we - or I - have this idea (contrary to Scripture) that our - my - lives would be so much easier if we choice to live according to some other mandate or philosophy.

I think that we forgot, although Jesus promised us trouble and hardship, that life without Him is devoid of the transcending peace that He promised, is without the certainty and hope that He is ordaining the future and eventually going to make things right, and subscribes to the shaky and unfulfilling philosophy of the day. But it is not inherently restful or happy or easy.

Maybe this idea of rest has been rolling around in my spirit for a while. Maybe it's the collection of books that I have been reading, most recently Present Over Perfect (Shauna Niequist) and All Fall Down (Jennifer Weiner). Anyway, I am struck by the total lack of rest in my life and the lives around me - even the lives promoted as fulfilling and successful by our society. Everyone seems to be running on empty, while trying to sustain the illusion that they are filled to capacity with energy, ideas, and perfection - both within the church and outside the church?

This year, I have committed to reading through the Bible and memorizing a new verse each week. As I have grown in this discipline, I have been overwhelmed by the clarity with which I see issues and the world. It isn't the rule of the day by any means, but I have noticed the fog lifting. I can see where I am messing up on some fundamental things, including rest. 

This week's verse is Matthew 11:28-30, and I just feel like I need to respond to it. Scripture is alive and it is piercing, and this week's verse feels especially so.

Why am I so flippant about this promise that Jesus made? Why am I so quick to trade it for efficiency, for more, for constant going and doing? I can imagine the compassion of Jesus as He looks at the obsessive rat race my life sometimes seems to be morphing into and says:

"Natasha. Come to me. Not to your pleasures, not to your hobbies, not to what you think will satisfy you. Don't go to your couch or your bed or your friends. To me. Lay your exhaustion, your frustration, your anxieties, your need to prove yourself at my feet. Come to me, because I don't expect you to have it all together, to do it all, to sacrifice yourself for what seems to need to be done. Your vision and ideas of how things work need re-shaping. Come learn from me. I am not measuring you, not waiting to be disappointed by you, not relying on your power. Come and give all that up to find rest for your weary soul. It'll be far better than checking off any to-do list, far more satisfying than a job well done. It'll be more fulfilling than you can possibly imagine."

And I try and I try. But every day the perfectionist, the strategist, the planner, the giver-upper in me fights it. I run ahead, trying to impress and do things my own way. 

Will I ever learn? Why is this four letter word, this beautiful promise so elusive? Why is it so counter-cultural, even within the church? Why do I cling to this illusion that if all my ducks are in a row in my own power it will mean satisfaction and contentment? Shouldn't rest be the hallmark of Christianity? Shouldn't our refusal to participate in a society that overwhelms and obsesses and schedules to the nano-second be part of what invites people? 

I can't answer any of those questions or frustrations. I guess in my own power, it would be impossible. But as I commit this verse to my heart and to my mind, I can only pray that it will come to me on days when I find it particularly impossible to find rest. I pray that I find people who can do this well and learn from them. Fortunately, I believe in a good, good Father and an interceding Holy Spirit who will remind me of these things. Fortunately, Jesus promised to teach me this in that verse. He invites me into this rest. As much as I long to wallow in the failures and the why-don't-we's, I think that invitation is a much better place to be.

I Could've Been Caught in That Fire, But Now the Fire's Inside Me

It's dramatic, but a lyric near that played at church today and really struck me. So I am stealing it to title the first blog post in a looonnnggg time. I am not sure anyone will even read this! I have been writing, but it is so hard to edit things that are recognizable out of stories, so they've been staying safe in my notebook.

Today was different. Today I needed to publish, if for no other reason than the ability to look back on this exact web page in five, ten, fifteen years.


I knew this year would be difficult. As soon as I got my class list, I started praying over my students intensely - especially one or two. As I page through my journal entries, I am struck by things like:

"Last week I commented to Sarah that I thought my emotions were broken. Tonight... it occurred to me that I have been operating in survival mode. There's so much in my students' lives that I can't fix." (from an entry dated 12/6)

"I've spent a lot of time dreading 26. I even joked I was skipping my birthday this year. I think it's because my life is so different than what I imagined/expected it would be like - single, childless, working 2 jobs, thoroughly obsessed with my dog. But today I made I joke that I was re-doing 25 and it hit me. 25 was a hard year. I have struggled mightily with so much this year - relationships, boundaries, career challenges, restlessness. There have been incredible highs - deaning Middler for the first time - but some pretty steep valleys as well...It was a hard, hard year. But it was also a growing year. In the midst of hurt and pain - those times of total shatter - God is willing and able to make something abundantly more beautiful, joyful, and life-filled." (from an entry dated 12/22)

"It's been a month of challenge and seeing all the places I need to surrender to Jesus, but it's also been an incredible month of journeying to and pursuing the God that is everlasting and restores all things. I see his faithfulness in everything, especially his timing." (from an entry dated 1/18).

"But this year, as I read over these passages (Luke 22:39-46 and Hebrews 4:14-16) in preparation for Easter, I find myself feeling, so keenly, the words. I can imagine the anguish. Although I (obviously) have never faced anything remotely similar to what Jesus was facing, I have felt the pangs of praying earnestly, longing for God to show up, waiting desperately for a sign, and being bitterly disappointed to only find silence... I need that great High Priest. One who understands and sympathizes rather than constantly measuring and finding me wanting. I need that Savior. I need Him on days when my temper is short. I need Him on days when my finances run dry. I need Him on days when I wonder when my life will "start." I need Him as I face uncertainty after uncertainty when all that is sure in this world is sin and pain." (an entry dated 4/7).

So there's your frame of reference for the past few months. Honestly, I feel like I am constantly reflecting on God's faithfulness (in my thoughts, in previous entries on this blog, etc). As May starts to come into view, I can't help but rejoice in that faithfulness. As hard as this year has been - for a variety of reasons - it could have been so much worse without God, without His preparation.

I came across a quote in my devotions that read "Mountain tops inspire us, but valleys mature us." I have had mountain tops this year, but oh how the valleys have changed me!

I think about how a very uncomfortable situation last summer led me to seek counseling from a local pastor. He recommended a book that changed my life! (Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life - Henry Cloud) It enabled me to see better boundaries in that particular situation and radically grew my ability to see and implement healthy boundaries across the board: in relationships, in work-related responsibilities, in finances.

That situation taught me that responsibility is not putting up with all difficulties in the interest of preserving peace or relationship or a short time frame. Responsibility is being wise about what you say yes to.

As uncomfortable as last summer was, it was invaluable in preparing me - or helping me - to seek the right preparation for this year.

As I've learned to say no and set boundaries at work, I have re-discovered myself - my passions, my voice, the things I truly enjoy, besides being a teacher or a camp worker. As I have made time for other things, I have found moments of true and perfect peace, reveling in God and His creation and how God created me.

I have learned bravery and contentment, even in the midst of uncertainty and restlessness. I've learned to listen for the Holy Spirit by abiding in and memorizing Scripture (a lesson I have a feeling I will re-learn time and again).

As I look ahead into this summer, I am overwhelming excited. Not only is it the season of many of my favorite things : camp, fresh-starts, adventures, tans, flip-flops, playing outside, free time, swimming, grilling out; now I also see it as a time of great preparation. God was faithful as He prepared me last year. What will this year bring?


"When we are who we are called to be, we will set the world ablaze."
-St. Catherine of Siena




And just FYI - I love my class this year. They have been a challenge, but they are some of the sweetest and loving-est children I have ever had the joy to work with. They always make my laugh and smile, and they truly are gems.

So far in 2014...

I have spent the last two weeks learning so much that I think my head will explode! Student teaching, so far, is everything that I wanted it to be and so much MORE!

The elementary classroom has changed a great deal in the past decade, and I am so excited to see where education is going. I have the privilege of teaching in a classroom with a 1:1 iPad ratio. That technology alone has changed EVERYTHING. Our students use the Google apps to create and submit a good deal of their work. They have apps on their iPads to take spelling tests, to practice their multiplication facts, and to ponder the universe on Wonderopolis. Through this technology, and the mobile Macbook lab, students are able to collaborate with students from a whole other elementary school to research and create a virtual poster on a famous Missourian.

By creating custom search engines through Google and using resources like smore.com flyers, we can provide students with specific (trusted) resources. We can even use Google docs to create citations AND to record (vocal) feedback on student documents. What a game changer!!!!

I am learning so much about classroom management and developing positive student-teacher relationships. I've learned about being flexible and making reflective decisions. I am learning content related skills that differ from the way I was taught - which is GREAT because that's what educational innovation is.

Today my cooperating teacher got me into a seminar about integrating technology into the classroom and being innovative. It was an incredible honor to be in the presence of so many wonderful educators. I've learned about so many sites and great ways to communicate with parents and students.

I am so excited to keep learning!!!

Here's my cooperating teacher's blog: http://fancying4th.blogspot.com/
Feel free to look it up and be impressed!

After three and a half years at an institution dedicated to studying the Bible and training men and women for Christian ministry, you'd think that I'd have ironed out the things that are...troublesome to me in theology. At the very least, you'd think that I would cease to be surprised by them, perhaps even to expect them.

Nope.

Tens of thousands of dollars and one diploma later, I find myself sitting on my bed, Bible open in front of me, irritated that once again my paradigm must shift. I wish that Bible college was some magical place that resolved everything. I wish that there was some class that could address everything that might surprise you about Scripture or God or one that could teach you a balanced theology.

 Of course, I say this somewhat tongue in cheek. If I have learned anything in my years of following Christ it is that my paradigm is constantly shifting and balance is a lie. I once read that the church goes through phases in the way that we primarily view God - sometimes we lean hard into a kind, merciful God and other times we stand trembling before a Judge. At the time I had a hard time reconciling that to my desire to have a comprehensive and unadulterated view of God. I want to know God fully and to be able to identify all of his attributes. The fact is that God is too big for that to be possible for my tiny mind, and so I find myself focusing on certain traits that are entirely dependent on my season of life and experiences. In the midst of establishing my independence and learning to manage my finances, I find myself viewing God as my Provider. When I find new opportunities to use or sharpen the gifts that God has given me, I marvel at the faithfulness of God. When I have once again stuck my foot in my mouth or done something to remind myself how much I need God, the revelation of His grace and mercy surrounds me. In moments on the country roads near camp where I am breathless and inspired by the beauty of the creation around me, I feel the joy and peace and love of God.

So when I find myself in passages that discuss the sovereignty of God's choice and His severity towards those who have not believed in Him, I shudder. I want to relegate words like "wrath" and "hardening hearts" to the Old Testament. Even the word "severity" makes me uncomfortable. Unfortunately, these are still New Testament words. As I was reading them today, I found myself unwilling to reconcile these words into my picture of God. I love thinking of God as a Father who only gets angry about injustice and terrible things in the world - a faithful provider full of mercy and joy and peace and giggles and butterflies. But that's not accurate. And that makes me angry. Which really isn't fair because God isn't a cardboard cut-out. He's God.

Right after reading these chapters, I read Hebrews 11. As I read about the champions of faith, I realized how weak my own faith is. I got angry because I read things that I already knew were true about God. At no point did someone tell me that God wasn't all of the things that I was having difficulty reconciling into my view of Him. In fact, I am sure I have been told several times that those things ARE still true of God. In my human ignorance, I had chosen to block those truths from my mind.

The truth of the matter is that I would rather serve a God that remains a mystery to me than one that I fully understand and anticipate. I have seen enough of God's goodness and love to say with confidence that He is a good God, unwilling to have anyone perish. I don't fully understand Him and there are aspects of Him and things in this world that I can't easily (or at all) reconcile to what I know of Him, but I can trust in His goodness and grace. My faith may be simple, even naive in this way, but I would rather spend my life seeking Him on a wild adventure than giving up and chasing the American dream.

Independence.

The past week has taught me more about my view of independence than any amount of philosophical study or reflection could. For the past week, I have been anything but independent. Starting eight days ago, I have relied on other people to dry me off, to dress me, to do my hair or make up, to carry my books, to drive me around, even to feed me.

For a girl who so highly values her independence, that's a whole lot of frustration. And I think the most frustrating thing hasn't been an inability to perform some of those tasks, but its been relying on people to do them for me and allowing them to. It's hard to be the recipient of grace, to be the inconvenience. I so desperately long to suddenly have full range of motion, full function, to be able to do everything for myself. I keep trying to steal back pieces of my independence, but I feel like God has to have a greater purpose for my frustrations than the injury in of itself. Perhaps I am reading too much into this, but I feel like God is using this uncomfortable time to teach me that I don't get to be independent. As much as I value going where I want, when I want, doing what I want, I am learning the beauty and joy of interwoven lives, of together time pushed to the breaking point.

I love living in a time and place that allows God to speak to me so personally and clearly. I love being challenged to grow, even when it hurts. Even when God is wrenching away from me the thing that I have spent so many years fostering and cultivating and desiring, there is some sort of beauty. I love that the God I serve does not fix me overnight, but allows me to be a part of the process. I love that God loves me enough not to leave me the way that I am.

Life.

It is such an incredible thing to see God moving. I know that God is always at work, but what a privilege it is to be able to recognize His Spirit so tangibly! In so many ways, I am in this incredible season of reaping the harvest that has been sown. And this harvest is not something that I can take any glory for - it is completely owing to the dozens of people who have gone before me. It is their hard labor, their faith, that makes it possible for me to have the joy of reaping the harvest.

And what a joy it is! I know that these memories of when God was so clearly glorified here in my life will sustain me in the years to come when I am in the season of planting the harvest. What an exciting thing to be on this side of things though!

And not only do I see it around me, I see it in me. I feel God working things out in my heart. I feel His joy and His love and His passion consuming me in new ways. I feel I am diving into more of His heart. What an incredible feeling! The more that I see Him move, the more deeply I long to know Him. And despite the ridiculous class/work schedule that this semester boasts, the more that I want to be involved in what He is doing. I want to pursue what He is doing in other things too - the other ministries my friends are involved in, the other ministries I hear about. I am so in love with God that it doesn't matter what it is, I want to hear what He is doing!

I have been reading about Amy Carmichael lately. What an incredible woman of God she was! Reading about her pursuit of Christ has brought so many things into sharper focus for me. She gave up everything to go where Christ led her: she broke so many expectations and social codes, she faced so much criticism, and yet she went. And this book is so bluntly honest about her feelings and her struggles. I love it. She writes about her frustrations with where she felt God was leading her and the people who tried to contradict it. One of my favorite things she brought out thus far was the tension between how we live and how we should live, as Christians. People were objecting to the how hard she was pushing herself for the ministry, and she made the point that "Satan is so much more in earnest than we are - he buys up the opportunity while we are wondering how much it will cost." BAM! Convicted. And I realize that boundaries and stuff are important to prevent burnout or whatever, but this is a really interesting point to ponder. It makes me want to seize more of what God lays at my doorstep - to push myself harder to glorify God (within the context of boundaries that guard who He has created me to be). But our God is in the business of stretching people, and I am so excited for Him to stretch me into the most God-glorifying version of myself.

How great is it that God knows the most awesome version of who I could be - the fullest version of myself! The more that God changes me, the more that I feel that He's weeding out who I am not so that I become more of me! I feel like I am learning who I am because of who He's created me to be. It's freaking awesome!

Dive.

Here's the thing. I'm going to be completely honest: I've felt very stagnant lately. I don't feel like I've pulled away from Jesus, but I am just not choosing to go deeper. In some ways, it feels like I'm trying to surface, to gasp for air and find some happy medium between the world and Jesus, some safe place that doesn't require too much and gives me just enough. But, in reality, I need to go deeper to find true relief, true life-giving air (Jesus and faith and water are all so connected in my head. I have no other metaphors). The point is that I'm not really having quiet time or getting in the Word, but I mean I still love Jesus. But I've started struggling with stuff again - stuff I don't want to struggle with and thought I had dealt with. But tonight was Faith and Family night at Kauffman Stadium. So a group of us went and saw the Royals lose and then some Christian players spoke and KJ-52 and Building 429 performed and even though it was all cheesy and sappy and stuff, it got me. God really spoke to me. And it was a message of LOVE. I think its really easy for me for faith to get impersonal. It becomes less a relationship and more a part of who I am, just another defining feature. But I realized tonight that there is also this overwhelming love that goes along with all that. That it is deep and more than anything I felt Him saying "dive in." "Dive into my delight and my pleasure and the honest truth that I made you and I love you for all you are. I love all of your crazy quirks and all of your thoughts and everything you are. Feel my pleasure for what I've created!" And I really just want to dive.

Best Friends and Bible Study

I've known my best friend, Sarah Elizabeth Waldo, for my entire life. Of course, of

those 21.5 years, we've spent comparatively few hours together. In fact, we only lived in the same state for about a third of it. But somehow through the marvel of modern technology and Divine Providence, we never really lost touch.

I could go on forever about how much I love Sarah, how much fun we have together, what a great friend she is. Really, you should meet her sometime. She's worth the cost of a plane ticket. But that's not the point of this post. Well, it kinda is.

She came to visit during this week last year, and it was this day (Saturday) that she was on a plane home. You can read all about it here, but I did want to share something with you from that post to help you understand us:

The thing that I treasure most about Sarah is that I can tell her when I need space. We are nearly opposite in everything which makes us an odd pair to be so close. We've both said that if we hadn't grown up together, we would not be friends with each other. I'm way too type A, organized, and driven and she is way too relationally driven and extroverted. After a week together, we tend to get a little rough around the edges.

Perhaps that is why I always feel surprised at the profound sense of loss I feel as we arrive at the airport, check in, and one of us goes into security while the other watches - knowing that the amount of time between our next reunion is never set in stone. As I walked away from the gate this evening, I was moved nearly to tears as I reflected on our friendship. Sarah and I don't always see eye to eye. She drives me crazy sometimes. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love her more dearly than I could ever think possible. I treasure her so deeply that I know that our friendship could never really end. I don't know why God put us together, but He did and for that I am grateful. Sitting beside her, I almost lose track of where she ends and I begin. There are very few people who have an unlimited license to hug me but she is one of them.

Saying all of this, it dawns on me that it is almost like a romance or like being in love. While I can assure all of you that it is entirely platonic (we are both too boy crazy for our own good), she is one of the few people in the entire world that I am not sure that I could love a boy more than. I trust her with everything. Literally. I wish that I could be there when things are going badly, but I am relegated to being the friend on the phone. I wish we could celebrate the little victories, but I can only send my congratulations via technology. Still, I know that we have something special. We've been friends for twenty years - a bond not easily shaken. There may come a day where the chaotic push and pull of life forces us to fall out of touch but I have a strong conviction deep within me that even in that circumstance we won't stop loving each other, we won't stop thinking of each other, and we'll make it work. Because we always have. We are pros at the long-distance thing.

Sarah and I recently started studying the book of Ephesians. Even though we've been

friends for 21 years, this is the first time that we've ever really done Bible study together. And its incredible. It has been so cool to talk to her about what's going on in my head and my life. But it's been even better to hear what Jesus is teaching her, and even getting to know more about her life and childhood. I've learned so much about her just by getting in the Word with her.

And its really cool, I think, because despite how often she remarks, "oh, that's why I sent you to Bible college" after I say something, her take on the text has been really enlightening to me. In fact, she and this book have been kicking my butt lately. God has majorly used her in my growth this summer. She motivates me to get in the Word and study and be able to bring something to the table when we discuss it. She motivates me to live out what the text says. She teaches me about grace every time we talk. She's much better at grace than I am.

And Ephesians? Man, Paul wrote some good stuff in that letter. Because of this Bible study, Sarah and I have been reading it a lot, and I (being the crazy type-a that I am) took very organized and categorical notes. As I was looking over them today, once again I felt the weight of what Paul was saying hit me.

In chapter 4, it talks about how we should live. I made a list of everything the text calls us to be, straight from the NIV. As Christians, we (I) should:

Live a life worthy of the calling
Be completely humble and gentle
Be patient
Bear with one another in love
Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit by peace
Speak the truth in love
Live no longer as Gentiles
Not grieve the Holy Spirit
Be kind and compassionate
Forgive
Share with those in need
Not steal, but work
Put off falsehood
Not sin in anger
Not let the sun go down in anger
Not have bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander, or malice

I look at that list and feel failure. My attitudes so rarely line up with that list, especially this first five or six or -- all of them. It's so easy to read over them in the Bible, but looking at that list, I see how far I am from the woman God wants me to be. And while I truly desire to live in accordance with all of those things, I know it is impossible.
Except that

We were (I was) once darkened in our understanding, separated from the life of God due to ignorance and hard hearts, given over to sensuality and impure desiring more impurity, corrupted by deceitful desires. But then, Christ came.

And now we are (I am) given grace as Christ apportioned it. What joy is in that statement! To know that there could never be more sin in me than mercy in Christ! Trust me, I have a lot of sin in me, but Christ has given me grace for all of it, so that I can be prepared for works of service, build up as the body of Christ. I am being taught to put off the old and put on the new, I am being made new in the attitudes of my mind. Why? Because I was created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. And someday I will be unified in faith and knowledge of the Son of God, mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

Whoa. That is deep, deep stuff. That is the beautiful mystery of who God created me to be! I don't fully understand it, but I know that it is more me than any of this fleshly business tries to be. I know that it is not some boring and lifeless lifestyle that will be confining, but that it will be true freedom and joy and oh so much laughter. I yearn for it more and more. And I am so grateful to my best friend

for reminding me of it. I am so grateful to her for doing this with me, for exploring more and more of who Jesus is and who we are, and for deepening our friendship. I may not get to see her very often, but she has had more of an impact on my summer than most people that I see regularly (except family - including Jessica and the Worstells, of course).

So you should do things. 1. Read Ephesians. It will rock your world. 2. Read Ephesians with your best friend. Or any book of the Bible. It's so worth it.

Little Women

Tomorrow I loose a great ally for a short time. For the next few days, I shall have to suffer through what has become perhaps my greatest character struggle this year. I have enjoyed her well-timed encouragement and the displeased looks that motivate me to change my attitude, but this weekend brings a challenge to survive alone. She has been a great blessing to me, and I hope that I have likewise provided some encouragement to her.
Perhaps I am a little sentimental; I just finished reading "Little Women" last night for the first time in several years. It was wonderful to stay up late and read, just like I used to during every break we had before college. When my eyes finally moved from the last sentence of the book, it was approximately 3:30 AM, much later than I intended. Watching Amy and Jo and Meg struggle through their childhood years seemed to me to indicate that I am greatly lacking in so many areas. Despite the fictional story (though based on Alcott's life, if I remember correctly) and the romanticism of the characters (it is undeniable), there was still a great moral theme running throughout the book that made me ashamed of my own.
Lately I have been very dissatisfied with my own character, and it seems that whenever I open my mouth, the worst seems to come out. I am a chatterer, a gossip, and I don't use my words to edify nearly enough. Reflecting back on all that I say and do brings a blush to my face, and I am easily frustrated. I have seen God change me so much this year, and it seems that the labor is an ever-growing task. As I type this, I can't help but remember the relevance of the sermon on Sunday to my own life. My dad made the point that a Godly discontent with your character and a desire to grow is healthy. I suppose I agree, but I wish my flaws did not show themselves quite so frequently! I wish that I had a kinder disposition, a more agreeable one. I am so quick to speak and so anxious to appear witty or smart that I often do the opposite. Perhaps that is why I sympathize so well with Jo March, one of the heroines of "Little Women." So many of the things she did or said are things that I myself wish I could express. Somehow she learned to tame her tongue, and I am determined that I shall succeed also.

On Doubt

I've felt like I have been running non-stop for the past few days, weeks, months. I look at my calender and see no end in sight, yet I can't remember the beginning of this busy season either. Honestly, I hate it. I just keep reminding myself that this is a season, that it will pass, that I am where I need to be. And it actually does help. Especially because God is CONSTANTLY affirming all of these things. It just sucks some days.
When I was younger, I assumed that I thrived on a busy schedule. After all, I enjoyed being involved, committed, essential. But the older I get, the more that I notice that it is Sabbath that brings me the greatest joy. I love to have time to reflect, to rest, to revitalize. To some extent, I try to do that nightly. But I always end up falling asleep. So tonight I thought that I would try something new.
I feel like Christ has done so much in me. I am in a place where I am constantly learning and being challenged - I love it. I find myself becoming more open to things that made me uncomfortable, more steadfast in my view of God, and more impressed by the character of the Trinity. I find myself sifting through sin and evaluating the doctrines that I've been taught, all in light of Scripture. I even find myself seeing more and more hurt in the world, more that makes me want to scream, "THIS ISN'T HOW IT SHOULD BE!"
Tonight I worked at New York and Co for the first time in about a week. Every time I go in, a part of me in made uncomfortable by the amount of money women who come in end up dropping. On one level, it is justifiable. The clothes are good and necessary. But some customers go all out, to extremes that seem ridiculous and laughable. I mean, honestly I want to say to some ladies, do you really need a $55 blazer? Or a $30 shirt? They're just clothes. But when I get to talk to people, I always find myself wanting to help and love more. I talked to a lady tonight who had faced a real tough season in the past few years. I almost cried listening to her. These encounters make the job worth it. I watched as the pain etched itself across her face, drawing pools of water from her bright blue eyes, and listened to her tale of health failure, job loss, debt, and death. It reminded me of when Katie and I met the woman in walmart last year.

And despite the fact that I should be studying, that conversation replies itself over and over again in my head. I remember few of the exact words or phrases mentioned, it is the look, the hurt, the desire for God that sticks with me. What can I do? My heart aches, but I don't know her name. I pray that God eases her pain, that he continue to work in her life to show her reason. But how can I answer for him and his timing? I pray that she find peace and rest in his divine wisdom, but she seemed to be under the impression that any sort of questioning him was a big no-no.
I think the church has for too long espoused the narrow-minded and faulty doctrine that doubt=unbelief. Doubt is natural. It is healthy. We were created with minds so that we could use them, and at times this world hardly looks like the work of a loving, sovereign God. We hurt. We experience stuff that we weren't made to experience. There is wickedness and evil. A doubt is not going to force God into a box. We have to stop being afraid to express them, and start embracing them. To stop shoving them in the back of the closet until the force their way out, and start combating them. Finding satisfactory answers. Otherwise faith ends up being lost, being rejected.
Admittedly, not every doubt has its precise answers. We have a faith of beautiful mystery. There are things of which we cannot know. However most of the time we can learn enough to reasonably believe. After all, if there were an answer to everything, that would not be faith. It'd be fact.

As of late I have noticed a rather troubling trend. It is nothing new, not some crazy fad that will be outdated and forgotten by next week; rather this is a prolific disease that has long been infecting human kind. Perhaps my sensitivity to this ailment has been heightened, or perhaps I am more often exposed to this consuming fire. Perhaps it is something we grow into. The reason for which this issue lies so heavily on my heart remains unknown. The truth about the matter, though, is as unpleasant as starring at oneself in mirror which highlights only the flaws one has.
The issue of which I am speaking is this rampant selfishness that I sense consuming not only my life, but the lives of those around me. Perhaps it is because I am now employed by a retail store that screams "BUY BUY BUY," surrounded by people all too willing to oblige. Frankly I find that to be a great source of temptation to me. But I see it not only in myself. I do not say this to be hypocritical or quick to judge. I do not say it to judge anyone, I suppose, because I am so ugly in my own selfishness. Rather, I say it mournfully. I wish this were not so! I wish that we could see faces or names or tears that our selfishness causes. I wish that their pain could become our reality. We who are blessed so abundantly, yet complain so quickly, we who are increasingly dulled to the screams of those who suffer, we who are so quick to "defend" the weak, yet so unwilling to become like them. We scream for justice and provision in the comfort of our multi-thousand dollar homes, surrounded by hundreds of dollars of things that we cannot "live without." I sense a great irony in that.
That is not to say that I am against spending money for entertainment purpose, or for the purpose of procuring nice, lasting things. On the contrary, I believe that our investments should be wise. I am not against relaxation or entertainment in general. I am not against standing up for the rights of the oppressed or standing up for your own needs. On the contrary, these things are good and healthy and have a place. But, Christian, you and I know a great secret which should revolutionize the way that we think, act, and invest. It should change the way that we step out of bed each morning and the way that we interact with every person who crosses our path. Need I remind you?
Christian, Jesus is ALIVE
I wish the impact of that simple statement had the same effect on me as it did on the apostles, or the first Christians, or the martyrs. I wish that statement was less of a cliche and more of a praise-inducing cry. And, yes, I am joyful and grateful and I know the importance of the resurrection. I praise God for it. Yet I have this recurring feeling that I should be more. It should shake me to my core to serve a God so great that He sent His Son to die and then to be raised and seated at His right hand. Hallelujah! And though a chill passes through my body and a smile creeps onto my lips as those words appear on my computer screen, I can't help but feel that I will never truly appreciate the magnitude that sentence expresses.
I feel this manifested in no greater way than in my selfishness. Yet I am at a loss as to how to proceed. I have identified the sin, yet I cannot remove it. I know that each day will be a war against my self, a crucifixion of sorts, yet this cognitive knowledge makes it no further. It does not change my heart. But, oh, I wish it would. I pray that God would chisel that part of me away, would teach my unwilling flesh obedience. But I rejoice that "no sky contains, no doubt restrains all You are, the greatness of our God. I spend my life to know, and I'm far from close to all You are, the greatness of our God." For I know that is a God who can change me.

Give me eyes to see more of who You are.
May what I behold still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known and break it all apart.
For You, my God, are greater still.


Give me grace to see beyond this moment here,
To believe that there is nothing left to fear,
that You alone are high above it all,
For You, my God, are greater still.

-Hillsong, "The Greatness of our God." A Beautiful Exchange, 2010.

Tension

Something that I vaguely alluded to in my last post in this growing discontentment that I'm experiencing. I know what's causing it, but I don't know how to fix it. I'm stuck in a place where I know I'm not happy, per se, but I don't know what or how I need to change.
One thing that I'm struggling with is the idea of a calling. Since I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was teach. Now that I'm starring that in the face, I'm hesitating for some reason. In large part, I believe this has to do with the amount of school I'd have to complete to achieve said degree. I'm so tired of going to school that five more years feels like an eternity. I find myself asking all too frequently, "is this really worth it?" Is it worth the thousands of dollars of debt I'm racking up? Is it worth prolonging this season? That's the tension I'm living in right now.
Of course, there are other contributing factors. I've been trying to get involved with a local youth group, and it hasn't worked out like I want. Over the summer I did some stuff with the girls at my home church and enjoyed it, but with this youth group I feel like just a warm body. It feels very clique-y and I honestly don't feel necessary. I'm not making a difference and that fuels this discontentment. I'm not very good at initiating relationships, especially when so many have already been established. I really don't enjoy it, but I so enjoyed teaching the girls from home. I don't know what to do. Do I stay involved, hoping that when I am allowed to lead a group these things change? Do I find another ministry and abandon this idea totally? I'm very unsure.
I know I'm passionate about helping people live the life God's called them to, I'm passionate about changing the way people think and apologetics. I love my personal evangelism class, and have recently become rather enamored with the writing of Don Miller I like speaking publicly (to some extent) and I love to exegete. For these reasons, I'm considering going into women's ministry. . This, in large part, is due to a speaker I've been enjoying, Bianca Juarez. I believe that she's the women's minister at a large church in Southern Cali, and I love the way she speaks. She appeals to their compassion and emotional needs, but she maintains authority and intellect. I'd love to do that.
But I don't feel even remotely qualified. And maybe I am supposed to be a high school teacher. How can I rule something out so quickly? Yet, as a women's ministry major, I'd still be teaching. Albeit, very differently, but still teaching.
I don't know yet. These are all ideas I've recently been considering. I don't want to make a decision based on this desire to start living my life instead of preparing for it, but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a factor. There's the issue. I just don't have any idea what to do lately.

Self-Control

I can make monstrous messes, but I can clean to Monk's satisfaction. Very rarely am I motivated to go to such extremes, but the principle stands. Of course now that I am older my messes are generally scaled down. When I was a little girl and cleaned my room, I would rush and drag my Dad down the hall, so proud to display my hard work. Around the time I was ten, he would always respond that I was so good at cleaning up my messes, but I needed to work more on keeping it clean.
Even though I can now keep my room clean, I can't seem to keep my life metaphorically clean. I am genius at saying or doing the wrong things, then coming back with these amazing apologies. I suppose it's great to be good at apologizing, but I'd so much rather be good at restraining myself.
Recently I realized this even more clearly. I sent a nasty message on Facebook to a person that didn't deserve it. I rushed in with an apology, but the thing is, that message will always be a part of his perception of me, and worse, his perception of the people and institutions with which I am associated. Best case scenario he sees me as a dumb teenager who can't control her mouth or her feelings. That's not how I want to be remembered.
How does that glorify God? I desperately need the Holy Spirit to work in this part of my life. The more that I think about him, the more assured I am of his power and his amazing plan for helping us to become Christ-like. I just finished reading Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit by Francis Chan. It was amazing, and I already want to re-read it. It's so full of truth that's all too forgotten. The Holy Spirit is what gives us the power to change and become Christ-like. If we are filled with the Spirit, we cannot be filled with the world, and worse, the devil. I've been seeing him work more actively in my life, but unfortunately not enough. How can you ever have enough God?

Impulsiveness

When I was a little girl, the phrase that I heard the most - beyond a shadow of a doubt - ran along the lines of thinking before I did something. It's shocking that I can't remember the exact phrase because I probably heard it fifty times a day. I've always been impulsive and it's always gotten me in trouble. At this point in my short 19 year existence, I've toned it down. But occasionally, when something REALLY ticks me off, I forget how bad it can be. Well, I don't forget. I think at the time, "this is going to get me in trouble. I will regret this" but I still do whatever it is that is going to get me in trouble 97.9% of the time. When my mind's made up, I generally do whatever I want, regardless of the consequences. I like to say I'm easy-going, but I'm stubborn. And that's not good. I'm not flexible, and I'm certainly not easy to correct. But I so want to be.
I want to grow, but I feel little progress. That frustrates me. Because I decided to grow this summer and recent events have told me that I'm not. My mind is both my greatest strength and my most crippling weakness. When I set my mind to something, I'll do it. But that sometimes gets in the way of really loving Jesus. I don't know what to do. I can't think my way out of this and that frustrates me to no end. So I guess I'll just have to let God fix me.
One of the most tangible proofs of this is my ankle. I seem obsessed with my feet lately, but I promise I'm not. I've been doing the couch to 5k running program since camp started. I'm on week 6/9 - or I should be. After my two-mile run on Friday, my ankle hurt. I manned up and ignored it, because I'm a stud. Actually, I got distracted. Around one-thirty, it was swollen. Like twice the size of my normal foot. It's still not back down, but it's healed enough that I can get around. I medicate and elevate, but nothing's changing. It's probably rolled or sprained, yet I still want to run. I know it's a terrible idea, but I set my mind on doing this program and I have to do it. So I'm resisting the urge to pursue this TERRIBLE idea and be a responsible adult. I just need a break, but I so don't want one. I guess this is just a growing opportunity...

The Sun

Faithfulness is something that is vitally important to me. Maybe it has something to do with my longing for consistency and stability, but the older I get the more I value faithfulness. It's one of my favorite traits of God (are we supposed to have favorites? I guess we'll see if I get struck by lightening upon publishing this post). I was thinking about that as I ran this morning. Whether or not God answers the immediate desire of my heart, He's still faithful and worthy of praise. He'd be worthy of praise no matter what, but we serve an all-good God, and so I know that He's looking out for my best interests. He has a plan "a" for my life, one plan that will bring me the most joy and Him the most glory (which is my ultimate aim). This prayer may not be a part of that, but I know that a faithful God will answer me, and He will continue to point me towards where I need to be to let plan "a" fall into place.
I associate faithfulness with the sun rising. If there were a daily reminder in creation, that would be it. The sun always comes up, God always shows up. So, since we Christians love to tattoo our bodies with reminders of God so that we can seem deep, relevant, AND super spiritual, I decided that I would have a sun painted on my big toe during my pedi today. I have to say, it turned out quite cute. I love it, and I think of God's faithfulness every time I look at my foot. Hmmm...

Half-Way Gone

We are officially half-way through the summer and this week was the roughest yet. It was a test of so many different parts of my character and commitment, and unfortunately I don't think that I always came through with flying colors. But I am still forgiven. I'm still redeemed. I'm growing, and that's the important thing.
One night I went down to the campfire after the kids (despite the coyotes the campers assured me were there), and I thought about how I often think about how far I've fallen from where I want to be, and how great God's grace is for me. While these things are true and important, the cross is more important. God's holiness is still important, His justice and righteousness. God has so many more traits than we can possibly grasp at once, and so I often tend to focus on one or two traits I like, and I get stuck there for a while. Then I have these campfire moments where I encounter more of God, a different side, and I become fixated on that. So I guess my question tonight is this: how do I not fixate? How do I know?
A couple nights later, I was down there again. There is one thing that I so badly want, and I can't sense an answer on God's part (which probably means wait - something I'm not so good at). This week this issue has been especially on my mind, and I've had several dreams about it, and I so badly want to read something into those dreams. I yearn for their contents to be true. As I sat at the campfire this second time, I told God all this. I mean, He knew, but as I've been attempting to give it to Him and then snatching it back, it's dawned on me that I can be completely honest. He knows me, He knows I'm fallen, He knows I'm striving. There's no reason to hide my feelings. I cry out for His help, and He responds, in the moment, for the moment. I'm learning more and more that He will sustain me in any and every way, which is cool, but frightening for sure.
So much is going on right now that is emotionally exhausting and confusing. I just want to hit pause or fast forward or stop and switch out some characters or change the movie entirely sometimes. But I really wouldn't trade my life for any other. I love my family and my friends and my job, and as young as I am, I realize that too few people say that and really mean it. I have a glorious God to serve, and I have everything I need. Of course I have some preconceived notions of what I want for my life, but ultimately I'll be happy to follow my Creator and Redeemer wherever He wants me, including into a high-risk high school to teach philosophy (my new ambition. Of course I'll bring my cap gun. I don't wanna get knifed!...). But right now my sister and future brother-in-law are doing a photo-shoot for the birthday girl, and I need to be in real life, not blog world.

Not to be Served, but to Serve:

Lately I've been thinking a lot about those words. Originally appearing in the Gospel of Mark, they've become a sort of motto at Ozark. I can't count how many times I've heard that this year, and now it's ingrained in me so deeply that I can hardly accomplish a task, particularly a distasteful one, without it springing into my mind. I guess this isn't a bad thing - in fact it often makes such a task more pleasant. Nonetheless as they echo through my mind fifty times a day, I can't help but marvel at the ways my attitude so drastically changes. Of course, occasionally I ignore them, but that's usually to my own disadvantage.
Working at the camp is pretty much the bomb.com. I'm not gonna lie, it's amazing. Nurse Jess is something else. Fortunately she likes me, so I feel pretty safe. Last Saturday night we decided to go for a walk. It was about eight when we left, and we were planning to walk a decent distance. An hour and a half later, we started to worry about how far we'd gone. Jess knew where we were but it was getting dark and we were a good couple miles from the camp. Darkness fell rather quickly and we were essentially terrified to walk through the country in the dark. We finally got back to camp -safe and sound- at around 10. Before church Sunday we drove it, just to see how far we'd gone. 5.5 miles. We're pretty bomb, I'm not gonna lie. Her favorite things: grossing me out with her spider bite, fb stalking (we do that together, usually), being scandalous (not so much anymore), and running (she's helping me train to run a 5k with her in August. we're so intense!). She makes life pretty exciting. We spend A LOT of time together.
The cooks, Emily and Sheri, are pretty nice. When I was an intern I spent a lot of time with Emily and Jess, so it's nice to be able to hang out with them again. Now, however, she's married and preggo. Exciting. Emily is pretty funny and the three of us are having a poker night Monday. Legen - wait for it - dary (Emily also likes How I Met Your Mother - gold).
I love my boss, Duonna. She's just great.
Sunday's the first day of camp. Generally I spend the afternoon at the pool, in case any kids want to swim. Then we serve dinner and I make sure the dining room gets cleaned up. There's an evening canteen around eight, but other than that my night's free. I usually hang with Nurse Jess. Mondays and Wednesdays I wake up around six thirty and go running (couch to 5k). After I clean up we serve breakfast and I get the campers wiping down tables, sweeping, and doing dishes. I finish up anything they don't have time to do, then I water flowers, dead-head, and weed. But I get to drive the golf-cart for that. Legendary. Then I get some free time before serving lunch (unless it's Wednesday - then we go up to the chapel with the campers for Missions), dining room clean-up, break - usually we hang at the pool - lifeguarding (what, work???), dinner, clean-up. After dinner, we sometimes go to the Chapel for worship, or we go back to Jess' cabin. Then, of course, canteen. Afterward, we pretty much do whatever. Around eleven or so, the faculty comes down to the cafeteria to hang out, but I don't stay very long because I'm tired and/or don't really know many of the faculty. Tuesday and Thursday are similar, but without the running and the watering. Also, Thursdays I help make breakfast in addition to serving. Fridays I run and water before brunch (I get to sleep in until eight!), eat brunch, supervise dining room clean-up (a little more intense on Fridays), help with any more clean-up in the kitchen, pack for home, and head out! It's really not a bad schedule at all.
This weekend has been pretty great so far. After my chiropractor appt yesterday (which felt SO good), I came home and chilled. It was great to see Anna. I was going out with some friends and she and my mom were meeting Dad for pizza, so we got ready together. So nice. I met up with Hannah and Katie for dinner at a nice Italian place in Independence, then we saw Prince of Persia. SOOO GOOD. Best movie I've seen in a while. I got home at a little after midnight, but I couldn't go to sleep until three-ish. I had to watch the season finale of Glee (GOOD) and catch up on my blogs - (stuffchristianslike.net, tylerstaton.com, bryanallain.com, plus the blogs of friends I follow). Then, up before eight to hit the Old Navy sale with Anna. I wasn't thrilled about going but she really wanted to, so we did. Of course, I came home and slept. Mmmmm. Nice. We've basically just been watching the Back to the Future marathon since. Truly a great way to end the weekend (I'll have to leave from the church to get back to camp - but hey, potluck lunch).
So I didn't really have a vision for this post. Kudos if you read all that, because I probably wouldn't. I guess I just wanted to give the blogging-world a taste of my life right now and what I'm thinking. Until next weekend, much love.

Letting Go of My Dreams

Today I realized that there are dreams that I have to let go of. Things that I have to surrender to God that I simply am not ready to. I want to give my all to God, but I have so much that I want for my life too. I realized tonight, as I was wrestling with God, that if His grace isn't enough, my faith isn't worth anything. If I can't surrender my all to God - even my deepest and most cherished dream - what good is it to sing songs and pray prayers like 'Take My Life' and 'From the Inside Out'? While I didn't make any definitive list of things I need to give up, or how exactly I'm going to, I do know this: everyday I have to submit my will to God wholly. There can be no retreats, no reserves, and no regrets. Because ultimately His plan for my life is much better than anything I could ever - in my wildest dreams - imagine.

God is GOOD!

Yesterday started out odd. Not terrible, not even bad, just odd. I didn't feel like myself. I had this strung-out-on-caffeine, tense, plain awful feeling. I can't adequately describe it, but it was incredibly discouraging. I attempted to fix it by confronting someone about something that has been on my mind for a while, and in an especially intense way this week. It made for an interesting conversation and was eventually resolved, but my soul still felt heavy. I tried to nap but was entirely too restless. My mind wouldn't stop turning. Finally I stopped and poured my heart out to God. I sang His praises and told Him exactly how I felt. It helped. I wasn't instantly, completely 100% my self, but I was settled enough to go on with my day. I went to the Y for to swim-which I always dread-and popped in a worship CD. By the time I got there, I was completely and totally at peace with my God. Amazing, isn't it, how worship can truly settle the spirit? I love it.
Anyway, I got in the pool and started swimming. And didn't stop. I swam the full 500 in about fifteen minutes-my first time ever even attempting to do it! As I got tired and wanted only rest, Hebrews 12:1 popped into my head: "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Now this verse has very little to do with swimming. I think perseverance might be the only common denominator. But it got me thinking about something other than my tired body. I envisioned all the people who are rooting for me to run the race, to serve God faithfully. See, I had never pictured anyone besides the "heros" of the faith in that cloud of witnesses, the ones outlined in the preceding chapter. But I think that the cloud is so much bigger than just the faithful mentioned in the Bible. I think that it includes every Christian, as we encourage each other to finish the race. Now I could be totally off-base on this assumption, I don't claim any legit interpretive authority. But I can tell you that in the face of temptation, thinking of the people who have impacted my faith personally and imagining them cheering for me and urging me to cling to Jesus will lead to a much stronger resolve to stand firm. Imagining Jesus there with open arms, beckoning me as a father beckons his child as they take their first steps, and the path between us lined with people who have made an impact on my faith, people who have lived their lives by faith, people who have served Jesus even when the whole world opposed them, people I know and people I've read about and people I have yet to know, that is an image that makes me want to throw off the sin that so easily entangles and run the race with perseverance.
As I finished swimming and later journaled some of these very same thoughts, I was overwhelmed by this sense of God's goodness. He truly is a good God. He is mighty and righteous and faithful and awesome and loving and merciful. The truth of that is something that I hope to never, ever lose sight of.