After three and a half years at an institution dedicated to studying the Bible and training men and women for Christian ministry, you'd think that I'd have ironed out the things that are...troublesome to me in theology. At the very least, you'd think that I would cease to be surprised by them, perhaps even to expect them.
Nope.
Tens of thousands of dollars and one diploma later, I find myself sitting on my bed, Bible open in front of me, irritated that once again my paradigm must shift. I wish that Bible college was some magical place that resolved everything. I wish that there was some class that could address everything that might surprise you about Scripture or God or one that could teach you a balanced theology.
Of course, I say this somewhat tongue in cheek. If I have learned anything in my years of following Christ it is that my paradigm is constantly shifting and balance is a lie. I once read that the church goes through phases in the way that we primarily view God - sometimes we lean hard into a kind, merciful God and other times we stand trembling before a Judge. At the time I had a hard time reconciling that to my desire to have a comprehensive and unadulterated view of God. I want to know God fully and to be able to identify all of his attributes. The fact is that God is too big for that to be possible for my tiny mind, and so I find myself focusing on certain traits that are entirely dependent on my season of life and experiences. In the midst of establishing my independence and learning to manage my finances, I find myself viewing God as my Provider. When I find new opportunities to use or sharpen the gifts that God has given me, I marvel at the faithfulness of God. When I have once again stuck my foot in my mouth or done something to remind myself how much I need God, the revelation of His grace and mercy surrounds me. In moments on the country roads near camp where I am breathless and inspired by the beauty of the creation around me, I feel the joy and peace and love of God.
So when I find myself in passages that discuss the sovereignty of God's choice and His severity towards those who have not believed in Him, I shudder. I want to relegate words like "wrath" and "hardening hearts" to the Old Testament. Even the word "severity" makes me uncomfortable. Unfortunately, these are still New Testament words. As I was reading them today, I found myself unwilling to reconcile these words into my picture of God. I love thinking of God as a Father who only gets angry about injustice and terrible things in the world - a faithful provider full of mercy and joy and peace and giggles and butterflies. But that's not accurate. And that makes me angry. Which really isn't fair because God isn't a cardboard cut-out. He's God.
Right after reading these chapters, I read Hebrews 11. As I read about the champions of faith, I realized how weak my own faith is. I got angry because I read things that I already knew were true about God. At no point did someone tell me that God wasn't all of the things that I was having difficulty reconciling into my view of Him. In fact, I am sure I have been told several times that those things ARE still true of God. In my human ignorance, I had chosen to block those truths from my mind.
The truth of the matter is that I would rather serve a God that remains a mystery to me than one that I fully understand and anticipate. I have seen enough of God's goodness and love to say with confidence that He is a good God, unwilling to have anyone perish. I don't fully understand Him and there are aspects of Him and things in this world that I can't easily (or at all) reconcile to what I know of Him, but I can trust in His goodness and grace. My faith may be simple, even naive in this way, but I would rather spend my life seeking Him on a wild adventure than giving up and chasing the American dream.
