Self-Control

I can make monstrous messes, but I can clean to Monk's satisfaction. Very rarely am I motivated to go to such extremes, but the principle stands. Of course now that I am older my messes are generally scaled down. When I was a little girl and cleaned my room, I would rush and drag my Dad down the hall, so proud to display my hard work. Around the time I was ten, he would always respond that I was so good at cleaning up my messes, but I needed to work more on keeping it clean.
Even though I can now keep my room clean, I can't seem to keep my life metaphorically clean. I am genius at saying or doing the wrong things, then coming back with these amazing apologies. I suppose it's great to be good at apologizing, but I'd so much rather be good at restraining myself.
Recently I realized this even more clearly. I sent a nasty message on Facebook to a person that didn't deserve it. I rushed in with an apology, but the thing is, that message will always be a part of his perception of me, and worse, his perception of the people and institutions with which I am associated. Best case scenario he sees me as a dumb teenager who can't control her mouth or her feelings. That's not how I want to be remembered.
How does that glorify God? I desperately need the Holy Spirit to work in this part of my life. The more that I think about him, the more assured I am of his power and his amazing plan for helping us to become Christ-like. I just finished reading Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit by Francis Chan. It was amazing, and I already want to re-read it. It's so full of truth that's all too forgotten. The Holy Spirit is what gives us the power to change and become Christ-like. If we are filled with the Spirit, we cannot be filled with the world, and worse, the devil. I've been seeing him work more actively in my life, but unfortunately not enough. How can you ever have enough God?

Ramblings

Lately I've had a lot of stuff just circling around in my head. Here's a brief sampling of what's up:

-My foot is still bothering me. Although the swelling has gone down, it's still painful. My chiropractor, Kurt*, told me that there was a possibility that I'd rolled it, because some obscure bone was out of place.

-We're watching a lot of criminal shows at home lately. We've pretty well exhausted Criminal Minds and NCIS so we're onto Law and Order: SVU, but I did catch them watching Walker Texas Ranger earlier. Needless to say, I'm worried. If I have to hear that "the eyes of the ranger are upon you" again, I might take out the TV.

-My sister is seeing Twilight tonight. She's dead to me as soon as the movie begins. I really don't understand this vampire obsession teenagers in our society are exploring. And it's not limited to the teenagers! I remember being at camp when the books started coming out, and I thought they were weird then. That must have been when good taste was in.

-I really enjoyed my two-mile run last Friday. The sky was absolutely beautiful, and the way that it met the long, farm grass was absolutely divine. I've never seen such vivid colors. I never thought I'd say it, but it was definitely worth getting up before seven. I love a pretty Missouri, and listening to Francis Chan during the run was the icing on the cake.

-There's a commercial floating around about this awesome DVR that you can watch in any room. You record in the living room, watch in the bedroom, pause it and pick it up in the bathroom. I know I'm a girl, but why would you want to watch TV in the bathroom? I understand that sometimes that's just time you aren't getting back, but TV, really? I draw the line at a magazine.

-Conversely I truly enjoy the Geico commercial with the drill sergeant therapist. It's awesome, partially because I've wanted to say those things sometimes. I'm a semi-terrible person.

-I've decided to become a high school philosophy teacher, probably in an urban setting. That'd be awesome.

-I nearly forgot my new favorite video.



*Unfortunately my chiropractor is not named Kurt. But I feel like it should be.

Impulsiveness

When I was a little girl, the phrase that I heard the most - beyond a shadow of a doubt - ran along the lines of thinking before I did something. It's shocking that I can't remember the exact phrase because I probably heard it fifty times a day. I've always been impulsive and it's always gotten me in trouble. At this point in my short 19 year existence, I've toned it down. But occasionally, when something REALLY ticks me off, I forget how bad it can be. Well, I don't forget. I think at the time, "this is going to get me in trouble. I will regret this" but I still do whatever it is that is going to get me in trouble 97.9% of the time. When my mind's made up, I generally do whatever I want, regardless of the consequences. I like to say I'm easy-going, but I'm stubborn. And that's not good. I'm not flexible, and I'm certainly not easy to correct. But I so want to be.
I want to grow, but I feel little progress. That frustrates me. Because I decided to grow this summer and recent events have told me that I'm not. My mind is both my greatest strength and my most crippling weakness. When I set my mind to something, I'll do it. But that sometimes gets in the way of really loving Jesus. I don't know what to do. I can't think my way out of this and that frustrates me to no end. So I guess I'll just have to let God fix me.
One of the most tangible proofs of this is my ankle. I seem obsessed with my feet lately, but I promise I'm not. I've been doing the couch to 5k running program since camp started. I'm on week 6/9 - or I should be. After my two-mile run on Friday, my ankle hurt. I manned up and ignored it, because I'm a stud. Actually, I got distracted. Around one-thirty, it was swollen. Like twice the size of my normal foot. It's still not back down, but it's healed enough that I can get around. I medicate and elevate, but nothing's changing. It's probably rolled or sprained, yet I still want to run. I know it's a terrible idea, but I set my mind on doing this program and I have to do it. So I'm resisting the urge to pursue this TERRIBLE idea and be a responsible adult. I just need a break, but I so don't want one. I guess this is just a growing opportunity...

The Sun

Faithfulness is something that is vitally important to me. Maybe it has something to do with my longing for consistency and stability, but the older I get the more I value faithfulness. It's one of my favorite traits of God (are we supposed to have favorites? I guess we'll see if I get struck by lightening upon publishing this post). I was thinking about that as I ran this morning. Whether or not God answers the immediate desire of my heart, He's still faithful and worthy of praise. He'd be worthy of praise no matter what, but we serve an all-good God, and so I know that He's looking out for my best interests. He has a plan "a" for my life, one plan that will bring me the most joy and Him the most glory (which is my ultimate aim). This prayer may not be a part of that, but I know that a faithful God will answer me, and He will continue to point me towards where I need to be to let plan "a" fall into place.
I associate faithfulness with the sun rising. If there were a daily reminder in creation, that would be it. The sun always comes up, God always shows up. So, since we Christians love to tattoo our bodies with reminders of God so that we can seem deep, relevant, AND super spiritual, I decided that I would have a sun painted on my big toe during my pedi today. I have to say, it turned out quite cute. I love it, and I think of God's faithfulness every time I look at my foot. Hmmm...

Half-Way Gone

We are officially half-way through the summer and this week was the roughest yet. It was a test of so many different parts of my character and commitment, and unfortunately I don't think that I always came through with flying colors. But I am still forgiven. I'm still redeemed. I'm growing, and that's the important thing.
One night I went down to the campfire after the kids (despite the coyotes the campers assured me were there), and I thought about how I often think about how far I've fallen from where I want to be, and how great God's grace is for me. While these things are true and important, the cross is more important. God's holiness is still important, His justice and righteousness. God has so many more traits than we can possibly grasp at once, and so I often tend to focus on one or two traits I like, and I get stuck there for a while. Then I have these campfire moments where I encounter more of God, a different side, and I become fixated on that. So I guess my question tonight is this: how do I not fixate? How do I know?
A couple nights later, I was down there again. There is one thing that I so badly want, and I can't sense an answer on God's part (which probably means wait - something I'm not so good at). This week this issue has been especially on my mind, and I've had several dreams about it, and I so badly want to read something into those dreams. I yearn for their contents to be true. As I sat at the campfire this second time, I told God all this. I mean, He knew, but as I've been attempting to give it to Him and then snatching it back, it's dawned on me that I can be completely honest. He knows me, He knows I'm fallen, He knows I'm striving. There's no reason to hide my feelings. I cry out for His help, and He responds, in the moment, for the moment. I'm learning more and more that He will sustain me in any and every way, which is cool, but frightening for sure.
So much is going on right now that is emotionally exhausting and confusing. I just want to hit pause or fast forward or stop and switch out some characters or change the movie entirely sometimes. But I really wouldn't trade my life for any other. I love my family and my friends and my job, and as young as I am, I realize that too few people say that and really mean it. I have a glorious God to serve, and I have everything I need. Of course I have some preconceived notions of what I want for my life, but ultimately I'll be happy to follow my Creator and Redeemer wherever He wants me, including into a high-risk high school to teach philosophy (my new ambition. Of course I'll bring my cap gun. I don't wanna get knifed!...). But right now my sister and future brother-in-law are doing a photo-shoot for the birthday girl, and I need to be in real life, not blog world.