Rest

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

What a foreign concept. That memory verse, coupled with a comment a College Heights pastor made about our faulty assumption that the life of sin, or at least the life of someone unconcerned with Jesus who makes okay choices, is easy and full of pleasure have hit me like a two by four. For some reason, we - or I - have this idea (contrary to Scripture) that our - my - lives would be so much easier if we choice to live according to some other mandate or philosophy.

I think that we forgot, although Jesus promised us trouble and hardship, that life without Him is devoid of the transcending peace that He promised, is without the certainty and hope that He is ordaining the future and eventually going to make things right, and subscribes to the shaky and unfulfilling philosophy of the day. But it is not inherently restful or happy or easy.

Maybe this idea of rest has been rolling around in my spirit for a while. Maybe it's the collection of books that I have been reading, most recently Present Over Perfect (Shauna Niequist) and All Fall Down (Jennifer Weiner). Anyway, I am struck by the total lack of rest in my life and the lives around me - even the lives promoted as fulfilling and successful by our society. Everyone seems to be running on empty, while trying to sustain the illusion that they are filled to capacity with energy, ideas, and perfection - both within the church and outside the church?

This year, I have committed to reading through the Bible and memorizing a new verse each week. As I have grown in this discipline, I have been overwhelmed by the clarity with which I see issues and the world. It isn't the rule of the day by any means, but I have noticed the fog lifting. I can see where I am messing up on some fundamental things, including rest. 

This week's verse is Matthew 11:28-30, and I just feel like I need to respond to it. Scripture is alive and it is piercing, and this week's verse feels especially so.

Why am I so flippant about this promise that Jesus made? Why am I so quick to trade it for efficiency, for more, for constant going and doing? I can imagine the compassion of Jesus as He looks at the obsessive rat race my life sometimes seems to be morphing into and says:

"Natasha. Come to me. Not to your pleasures, not to your hobbies, not to what you think will satisfy you. Don't go to your couch or your bed or your friends. To me. Lay your exhaustion, your frustration, your anxieties, your need to prove yourself at my feet. Come to me, because I don't expect you to have it all together, to do it all, to sacrifice yourself for what seems to need to be done. Your vision and ideas of how things work need re-shaping. Come learn from me. I am not measuring you, not waiting to be disappointed by you, not relying on your power. Come and give all that up to find rest for your weary soul. It'll be far better than checking off any to-do list, far more satisfying than a job well done. It'll be more fulfilling than you can possibly imagine."

And I try and I try. But every day the perfectionist, the strategist, the planner, the giver-upper in me fights it. I run ahead, trying to impress and do things my own way. 

Will I ever learn? Why is this four letter word, this beautiful promise so elusive? Why is it so counter-cultural, even within the church? Why do I cling to this illusion that if all my ducks are in a row in my own power it will mean satisfaction and contentment? Shouldn't rest be the hallmark of Christianity? Shouldn't our refusal to participate in a society that overwhelms and obsesses and schedules to the nano-second be part of what invites people? 

I can't answer any of those questions or frustrations. I guess in my own power, it would be impossible. But as I commit this verse to my heart and to my mind, I can only pray that it will come to me on days when I find it particularly impossible to find rest. I pray that I find people who can do this well and learn from them. Fortunately, I believe in a good, good Father and an interceding Holy Spirit who will remind me of these things. Fortunately, Jesus promised to teach me this in that verse. He invites me into this rest. As much as I long to wallow in the failures and the why-don't-we's, I think that invitation is a much better place to be.

I Could've Been Caught in That Fire, But Now the Fire's Inside Me

It's dramatic, but a lyric near that played at church today and really struck me. So I am stealing it to title the first blog post in a looonnnggg time. I am not sure anyone will even read this! I have been writing, but it is so hard to edit things that are recognizable out of stories, so they've been staying safe in my notebook.

Today was different. Today I needed to publish, if for no other reason than the ability to look back on this exact web page in five, ten, fifteen years.


I knew this year would be difficult. As soon as I got my class list, I started praying over my students intensely - especially one or two. As I page through my journal entries, I am struck by things like:

"Last week I commented to Sarah that I thought my emotions were broken. Tonight... it occurred to me that I have been operating in survival mode. There's so much in my students' lives that I can't fix." (from an entry dated 12/6)

"I've spent a lot of time dreading 26. I even joked I was skipping my birthday this year. I think it's because my life is so different than what I imagined/expected it would be like - single, childless, working 2 jobs, thoroughly obsessed with my dog. But today I made I joke that I was re-doing 25 and it hit me. 25 was a hard year. I have struggled mightily with so much this year - relationships, boundaries, career challenges, restlessness. There have been incredible highs - deaning Middler for the first time - but some pretty steep valleys as well...It was a hard, hard year. But it was also a growing year. In the midst of hurt and pain - those times of total shatter - God is willing and able to make something abundantly more beautiful, joyful, and life-filled." (from an entry dated 12/22)

"It's been a month of challenge and seeing all the places I need to surrender to Jesus, but it's also been an incredible month of journeying to and pursuing the God that is everlasting and restores all things. I see his faithfulness in everything, especially his timing." (from an entry dated 1/18).

"But this year, as I read over these passages (Luke 22:39-46 and Hebrews 4:14-16) in preparation for Easter, I find myself feeling, so keenly, the words. I can imagine the anguish. Although I (obviously) have never faced anything remotely similar to what Jesus was facing, I have felt the pangs of praying earnestly, longing for God to show up, waiting desperately for a sign, and being bitterly disappointed to only find silence... I need that great High Priest. One who understands and sympathizes rather than constantly measuring and finding me wanting. I need that Savior. I need Him on days when my temper is short. I need Him on days when my finances run dry. I need Him on days when I wonder when my life will "start." I need Him as I face uncertainty after uncertainty when all that is sure in this world is sin and pain." (an entry dated 4/7).

So there's your frame of reference for the past few months. Honestly, I feel like I am constantly reflecting on God's faithfulness (in my thoughts, in previous entries on this blog, etc). As May starts to come into view, I can't help but rejoice in that faithfulness. As hard as this year has been - for a variety of reasons - it could have been so much worse without God, without His preparation.

I came across a quote in my devotions that read "Mountain tops inspire us, but valleys mature us." I have had mountain tops this year, but oh how the valleys have changed me!

I think about how a very uncomfortable situation last summer led me to seek counseling from a local pastor. He recommended a book that changed my life! (Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life - Henry Cloud) It enabled me to see better boundaries in that particular situation and radically grew my ability to see and implement healthy boundaries across the board: in relationships, in work-related responsibilities, in finances.

That situation taught me that responsibility is not putting up with all difficulties in the interest of preserving peace or relationship or a short time frame. Responsibility is being wise about what you say yes to.

As uncomfortable as last summer was, it was invaluable in preparing me - or helping me - to seek the right preparation for this year.

As I've learned to say no and set boundaries at work, I have re-discovered myself - my passions, my voice, the things I truly enjoy, besides being a teacher or a camp worker. As I have made time for other things, I have found moments of true and perfect peace, reveling in God and His creation and how God created me.

I have learned bravery and contentment, even in the midst of uncertainty and restlessness. I've learned to listen for the Holy Spirit by abiding in and memorizing Scripture (a lesson I have a feeling I will re-learn time and again).

As I look ahead into this summer, I am overwhelming excited. Not only is it the season of many of my favorite things : camp, fresh-starts, adventures, tans, flip-flops, playing outside, free time, swimming, grilling out; now I also see it as a time of great preparation. God was faithful as He prepared me last year. What will this year bring?


"When we are who we are called to be, we will set the world ablaze."
-St. Catherine of Siena




And just FYI - I love my class this year. They have been a challenge, but they are some of the sweetest and loving-est children I have ever had the joy to work with. They always make my laugh and smile, and they truly are gems.

The Next Chapter (and God's Incredible Faithfulness)

At the beginning of the camp season, our sweet summer mama (Duonna) challenged us (the staff) to do the 40 Day Prayer Challenge, as enumerated by Mark Batterson, with her. The challenge is based around an account from Jewish tradition of a prophet named Honi, who lived somewhere between the times when the Old Testament was finished and the New Testament had yet to begin.

There was a great drought in Jerusalem during Honi's life, and he cried desperately out to God for it to be ended. He drew a circle in the ground outside and declared that he would not leave the circle until God answered his prayer for rain. He begins to pray, and a drizzle slowly begins to fall. Amazed, the people around Honi rush to him and urge him to seek shelter. He refused, pointedly declaring "Not for such rain have I prayed," and he resumed praying. The rain changed at that point, becoming violent and soaking the earth. Again, the people urged Honi to seek shelter, and again he answered that this was not the rain that he had prayed for. Finally, the rain shifted once more. This rain was different from the light drizzle and the violent downpour; this rain was sweet and refreshing. It soaked the earth gently, and only then did Honi stand up and leave his circle. This was the rain for which he had prayed.

The entire point of the challenge was to pray persistently. Too often, we presume that we have received an answer and quit praying before we have really gotten what we wanted. Now, of course, there are caveats to this. God's plans are not ours, nor do we understand his ways. However in the Bible there is a precedent set of praying persistently (Elijah and Jesus come to my mind immediately).

When I was offered the job in Concordia, I was incredibly apprehensive. After a semester of job hunting disappointment, I was ecstatic to think of having a job, but I wanted to be sure that I was accepting the job that God wanted me to take - not just seeking to provide for myself. As I have spent the past few days starting to settle into Concordia, I truly feel that this is the rain that I have prayed for. As tentative as I was to accept a job in a town with which I have no prior connections, I have seen God confirm in so many small ways that I am where He wants me.

Although Concordia, Missouri is far from the inner city school I planned to teach in (a dream that I have not given up on by any means - after all, I have about another 50 years of teaching ahead of me) it is so clearly where I am to be for this season. I couldn't be more excited to begin my teaching career anywhere. I can see how all of these tiny pieces of my life and preparation for teaching are fitting together in Concordia. It is an incredibly wonderful - and peaceful - thing to watch God's faithfulness and His answers to SO many of my - and others' prayers on my behalf - unfold.

It reminds me of how the ancient Israelites would set up memorials to remind themselves of instances of God's faithfulness and deliverance (Joshua 4, Deut. 6:7-9). In some small way, I want this blog post to be my "pile of rocks." I want to remember this time of seeing God's faithfulness so clearly and definitely.

I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;

    I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.

 I will be glad and rejoice in you;    I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High.

Psalm 9:1-2

After three and a half years at an institution dedicated to studying the Bible and training men and women for Christian ministry, you'd think that I'd have ironed out the things that are...troublesome to me in theology. At the very least, you'd think that I would cease to be surprised by them, perhaps even to expect them.

Nope.

Tens of thousands of dollars and one diploma later, I find myself sitting on my bed, Bible open in front of me, irritated that once again my paradigm must shift. I wish that Bible college was some magical place that resolved everything. I wish that there was some class that could address everything that might surprise you about Scripture or God or one that could teach you a balanced theology.

 Of course, I say this somewhat tongue in cheek. If I have learned anything in my years of following Christ it is that my paradigm is constantly shifting and balance is a lie. I once read that the church goes through phases in the way that we primarily view God - sometimes we lean hard into a kind, merciful God and other times we stand trembling before a Judge. At the time I had a hard time reconciling that to my desire to have a comprehensive and unadulterated view of God. I want to know God fully and to be able to identify all of his attributes. The fact is that God is too big for that to be possible for my tiny mind, and so I find myself focusing on certain traits that are entirely dependent on my season of life and experiences. In the midst of establishing my independence and learning to manage my finances, I find myself viewing God as my Provider. When I find new opportunities to use or sharpen the gifts that God has given me, I marvel at the faithfulness of God. When I have once again stuck my foot in my mouth or done something to remind myself how much I need God, the revelation of His grace and mercy surrounds me. In moments on the country roads near camp where I am breathless and inspired by the beauty of the creation around me, I feel the joy and peace and love of God.

So when I find myself in passages that discuss the sovereignty of God's choice and His severity towards those who have not believed in Him, I shudder. I want to relegate words like "wrath" and "hardening hearts" to the Old Testament. Even the word "severity" makes me uncomfortable. Unfortunately, these are still New Testament words. As I was reading them today, I found myself unwilling to reconcile these words into my picture of God. I love thinking of God as a Father who only gets angry about injustice and terrible things in the world - a faithful provider full of mercy and joy and peace and giggles and butterflies. But that's not accurate. And that makes me angry. Which really isn't fair because God isn't a cardboard cut-out. He's God.

Right after reading these chapters, I read Hebrews 11. As I read about the champions of faith, I realized how weak my own faith is. I got angry because I read things that I already knew were true about God. At no point did someone tell me that God wasn't all of the things that I was having difficulty reconciling into my view of Him. In fact, I am sure I have been told several times that those things ARE still true of God. In my human ignorance, I had chosen to block those truths from my mind.

The truth of the matter is that I would rather serve a God that remains a mystery to me than one that I fully understand and anticipate. I have seen enough of God's goodness and love to say with confidence that He is a good God, unwilling to have anyone perish. I don't fully understand Him and there are aspects of Him and things in this world that I can't easily (or at all) reconcile to what I know of Him, but I can trust in His goodness and grace. My faith may be simple, even naive in this way, but I would rather spend my life seeking Him on a wild adventure than giving up and chasing the American dream.

Dive.

Here's the thing. I'm going to be completely honest: I've felt very stagnant lately. I don't feel like I've pulled away from Jesus, but I am just not choosing to go deeper. In some ways, it feels like I'm trying to surface, to gasp for air and find some happy medium between the world and Jesus, some safe place that doesn't require too much and gives me just enough. But, in reality, I need to go deeper to find true relief, true life-giving air (Jesus and faith and water are all so connected in my head. I have no other metaphors). The point is that I'm not really having quiet time or getting in the Word, but I mean I still love Jesus. But I've started struggling with stuff again - stuff I don't want to struggle with and thought I had dealt with. But tonight was Faith and Family night at Kauffman Stadium. So a group of us went and saw the Royals lose and then some Christian players spoke and KJ-52 and Building 429 performed and even though it was all cheesy and sappy and stuff, it got me. God really spoke to me. And it was a message of LOVE. I think its really easy for me for faith to get impersonal. It becomes less a relationship and more a part of who I am, just another defining feature. But I realized tonight that there is also this overwhelming love that goes along with all that. That it is deep and more than anything I felt Him saying "dive in." "Dive into my delight and my pleasure and the honest truth that I made you and I love you for all you are. I love all of your crazy quirks and all of your thoughts and everything you are. Feel my pleasure for what I've created!" And I really just want to dive.

Camp

Every summer I fall in love with camp all over again. I love the joy of new campers and faculty, the hopes of a great week, even the inevitable disappointment that comes when things don't live up to expectation. There is something beautiful in the give and take of camp, the utter exhaustion and the complete dependence on God to give me grace and strength to survive. There is sheer blessing in the hours of thinking on my lifeguard stand and the slow bronzing of the skin on my back around the straps of my swimsuit.

I love to spend my days with Duonna and Jessica and the interns, to do crazy things to make Tom shake his head and grin, and to have long talks with the interns. I love celebrating crazy holidays that are so mundane that it is difficult to celebrate them. More and more I find myself looking forward to meeting and knowing the interns. I love to tease them, but even more I love to sit and talk with them, to speak God's truth in their lives or to just talk about life in college.

Mostly, I love thinking over the things Jesus has done in my heart each year that I've come to WCCSC. It's amazing to trace my growth first as a camper, and then to see how even these summers find me learning more and more. I can't wait to write some of my most recent reflections, but camp exhaustion has me calling it a night. So, until later, good night.

It's difficult for me to articulate all of the things that I wish to appear on this blog. Sometimes things crystallize perfectly, and I write things that, to me, seem inspired on some level, or at least profound as they relate to me. And honestly, that's kind of what blogging is: a collection of the happenings and thoughts which you wish to share, sometimes because they inspire you, sometimes because they inspire others. Lately it has been very difficult to find the words or the time or even the stability to write. Even as I type sentences are not coming together in my mind as they sometimes do. However, I am afraid of losing the ability to write all together and so I try this fine evening.

Stability. Chaos. One of those words characterizes my life far more often than the other. If it were stability, I doubt that I would be writing about it right now. I crave stability. There is little that I love more than an established routine, knowing what to expect. Oh, I love thinking of the future and the joys which I know will characterize the change in my life, but when I am standing on the brink of a new transition I only want to visualize exactly what my life will be. My father pinpointed this for me better than I could ever for myself. Interesting, isn't it, how easily parents can identify core personality themes?

I digress. Stability is become a more constant theme in my life. I am not sure what is different this semester, if I simply know how to prioritize better, if I know who I am and what I want more intimately, or if something massive changed over break that I haven't put my finger on yet. Ultimately it is not important to know why. What is important is that I am looking forward to a semester filled with peace, filled with training, filled with stability, filled with Jesus.

Exciting things are happening in nearly every aspect of my life. As always, God is working in Life House in ways that I can hardly believe. If you're reading this, small blog audience, please pray for the leadership of Life House. Pray for our kids, pray for our volunteers - how honored I would be if you prayed for me. It's never easy, but I am finding more and more joy in the responsibilities I have.

November Edition

Once the school year hits, I feel as if this blog turns into an obligatory newspaper to which I must write at least monthly. In the summer, and during Christmas break, I am bursting with things that I am turning over in my mind and want to share. When I am in Joplin, I barely have time to think through the things I am doing.

At any rate, these days I find myself longing to read. Like most girls, I have lately been looking through Pinterest. I have found the website most helpful in planning for Christmas. In fact, I found all my gift ideas on Pinterest this year, and I so enjoy making them. There is something special about a homemade gift, I think. I have already finished three of my gifts, planned three to be completed closer to Christmas, and am ironing out the details of the last five. However, my favorite thing to find on Pinterest have undoubtedly been the reading nooks. Every once in a while a "pin" will appear depicting some fabulous shelving idea or some great corner that just beckons one to come and spend hours with a good book. I can't remember the last book that I finished that I read just for myself, for enjoyment. I hope to have the opportunity to do so again soon.

Mostly my days are spent running from one activity to the next. When I daydream at the future, I am most excited for 8-5 days that are spent in one place, for evenings spent in my home, for homework free nights. However, I fear these dreams are nothing more and I will find things to occupy those precious hours. I just don't seem to be able to sit still.

If this post comes across discontent and exhausted, it is because I am. It's that part of the semester where students just long to be done. Thanksgiving break gives a glimpse of Christmas break, which glimpses summer break - a time of joyous relaxation and recuperation. And camp. Oh, how I miss camp.

I do have several things to look forward to, however. I get to spend New Years in Syracuse, NY with my best friend for her birthday, I get to have lunch with six of my very good friends that have not all gathered together since 2009, and I get to spend a few hours with a friend that I have not seen in at least a decade. And I get to visit camp.

If I can make it through the next three weeks, I will be a very happy girl!

Summary

September seems to have run right past me. In fact, August seemed to fly by as well. Each day seems to feel like a mere hour and each month feels like one week. Particularly this year, I find myself clinging desperately for each passing minute, hoping to cram more and more into my limited twenty-four hours.

I've been busy before but this year seems to be re-defining the word and not just for me. Everyone's schedule seems to be as chaotic, perhaps a lingering consequence of living in post-tornado Joplin. While my life is largely unaffected by it, friends are doing truly great things to serve the city and Joplin-ites (?) and furthering the kingdom. My involvement is limited to riding my bike past the make-shift school set up as an alternative to a building not safe for students or occasionally driving through the "tornado zone," which I find myself avoiding as much as possible because each time I see it, it seems to break my heart a little more.

Instead, I have continued to serve in all the things I anticipated this fall would bring. I love encouraging and supporting my friends and community in rebuilding but that is simply not where I am called right now, which seems strange to me. If I could give more hours or somehow acquire the time-turner Hermione used at Hogwarts, I would be there in a heartbeat. But I know that my time is spent better encouraging and supporting those who do serve and loving the kids at Life House. Most afternoons are filled with Life House related activities - especially as we get ready to kick off tutoring. My mornings are spent in class and at work, and my evenings are a dismal attempt to maintain a social life, get adequate rest, and do homework and online class. It is true that only two of those ever seem compatible.

I am learning so much in my classes, particularly at Ozark. My MSSU classes are interesting as well, but I very much enjoy this season of learning and growth. I love living off-campus and having a home to retreat to and entertain from. I love when the neighbor kids come ask if I can play and the two mile ride to campus every day. It is a busy season that is flying by much too quickly, but it is a time of growth and rest and learning.

Storms

A mere twenty hours after leaving my college hometown, a tornado ripped portions of the city to shreds. Most news sources have their own cover of the stories. We sat in front of the TV as the devastation became more and more publicized. The city is unrecognizable. My heart breaks for those who lost so much. It is unfathomable, especially as far away as I am. I know that it won't truly be real for me until I drive down those roads myself and see the lingering after-effects of such a power storm. How I long to be there with my friends, of whom I am so very proud as they continue to pour themselves out for their neighbors. I love watching them be the hands and feet of Christ, a truly united church serving their community.

Editorial Note: a friend just text me to report that the sirens are going off in Joplin and a tornado was sighted a few miles north of Joplin. Devastating. Terrifying. Oh, how my heart breaks.

Yet life goes on. We pray and we give and we pray some more. But ultimately, time marches on. The recovery and rescue attempts take less and less of our time and attention as the daily chores and information claim our focus. There's nothing wrong with this, I know. Yet it is hard not to feel guilty. It is difficult not to feel like a victim, even so many miles away. My heart is with those that I love in the city where I reside most of the year. But other responsibilities make it impossible for me to go back to this beloved place. If I could move back, I'd be there in a heartbeat. But I have to prepare for my summer, I've committed to spending time with my brother and sister-in-law, I have to move to camp. I wish with everything in me that I could spend these days in Joplin; yet I am excited about the things which will fill my days instead. And I wrestle with this. I know in my head that I shouldn't feel this obligation necessarily. I know that it is okay for me to be upset and appropriate for me to call on my Heavenly Father and beg for His mercy. But there is no place for my feelings of guilt. It is simply selfish.

But I cannot feel excited without this guilt. I go to update social media sites and can say nothing but to re-iterate my prayers for Joplin. My Facebook news feed is an odd blend of gruesome pictures of streets I drove down a few days ago and mundane daily news. The pictures look like something out of a bomb catastrophe. The trees are left barely standing, naked without the leaves or small branches to decorate them. Homes are simply a pile of wooden planks mixed with years of rubbish torn apart. It's indescribable.

Yet I still wish that I was there. I know that God is working mightily in that city right now, even as the citizens sit terrified in their basement.

I cannot conclude this post without relating my own mundane news. While I would love for my travels to take me to Joplin, I will instead be traveling to Oklahoma City on a greyhound bus. While I am quite familiar with school buses, I have never taken so much as a city bus, much less a greyhound. I am oddly excited. I am also excited to spend a week with some of my favorite people. And I am excited to go to camp in just over a week. Mostly, I am excited for life to go on, to move past this terrible tornado and to watch Joplin re-build, to see the lasting Kingdom effects of this devastation - to watch the beauty rise out of the ashes.

The Charms of Home

Home. Though I am only here for a short time, I intent to savor every minute of it. I love to rest, to read whatever I want, to have an entire room painted and decorated to my whim that I can enjoy. I love growing up and going away and begin to feel the anticipation of independence (a concept both terrifying and incredible exciting), I love to be back where I am taken care of, where I can walk out of my room and be greeted by things dating back a decade and - best of all - my family. I love going to church at LifeSpring and seeing all of the people who are near and dear to my heart. There's just so many wonderful people in Kansas City (although the metro area does not have the monopoly. There are several great people in Joplin as well).

However, my stay here is so very brief. Ironically, I am quite excited to leave. After resting here (and studying for a terrible test that is slated for Tuesday afternoon), I get to travel down to Oklahoma to be the most excellent aunt I can to my precious little nephew and to visit with my sister-in-law and brother for a week. I do love them so much, and I am really looking forward to getting to hang out with them for a while.

After that wonderful week, I'll come back to Kansas City, re-pack everything (well, not EVERYTHING. but lots) and move to West Central Christian Service Camp for another excellent summer of lifeguarding and shoot-outs with the nurse. I am so ready to be back at camp, and I am so looking forward to this summer.

I think the thing that most excites me about this summer is the prospect of growth, of training, of discipline. Last summer was a good forerunner, but I intend to be more intentional as the next few months' progress. I want to know more about God, to know Him better and trust Him more, to stretch my intellectual capacity, and to start running again. Oh, how I love to run. Some of my most intimate God moments seem to happen out on the road in front of camp. I am so looking forward to it.

Life Right Now

It's been a while since I posted anything even remotely current. My life right now feels like a hurricane of activity, and I am terrified of the collateral damage that seems inevitable. Despite the negative connotations of such a metaphor, it excites me more than frightens me. So I guess that's a plus.

The semester is winding down as far as school work goes, yet I somehow seem just as busy as ever. Today marked the turning in of one of my three remaining assignments, a burden which I didn't notice until it was lifted. I have spent the entire semester working, it seems. I have barely kept my head above the workload threatening to drown me, and only now can I see how perilously close I came to such a fate.

Work has been especially, especially busy these last few weeks. With the musical approaching entirely too quickly, it seems that my afternoons are devoted to preparation for the musical or playing catch up on the things which got bumped from the time the musical claimed.

I have decided not to be an resident assistant next semester. Despite the fact that I did not do nearly the job I wish I had done, and I will always regret such a short service with many broken commitments, I feel God tugging me away from the dorm and into Life House more deeply. Plus, without the harness of being an RA I can now do the things which I wanted to do as an RA (the catch-22 of dorm life).

What will I be doing at Life House? Well, honestly, I'm not really sure what it will look like, but I know it will be time consuming. For the past several weeks, I have been going to meetings and brainstorming and praying about a project that I want to start in the neighborhood. A mentoring project. What started as a small idea has grown into a dangerous whirlwind that threatens to plow me over at any moment. Basically, the idea is to partner with the school, the parents, and the existing ministry to provide mentors to kids that Life House already has consistent communication with. I have met with several people, including the principal of the elementary school all of the children attend, and this small idea that the Holy Spirit put on my heart has grown and grown and grown into something that I never saw coming. People have been so incredibly receptive and encouraging, and while it has been a lot (A LOT) of work, it hasn't been an uphill battle in the least. Working out the logistics is a headache after headache affair, but I have had tremendous support. Soon, soon, soon the launch for a summer trial run is approaching. Soon I will be approaching the parents about this idea. I need all the prayer that I can get!

In all of these things, I am so vastly impressed with the work of the Holy Spirit. As much as I'd love to take credit for all this and avoid sounding all new age-y and mystical, I can't. From the very beginning, the Spirit has been guiding me and working on people's hearts. It's an amazing picture. I know that this is where God wants me and this is what he wants me to do, but I can't rule out the possibility that this will fall flat on its face or morph into something entirely different. And I think that I am okay with that. I am trying to be, at least.

God has been teaching me so much in these last weeks. My heart and mind have been torn open and stitched shut, my circumstances have been altered, my expectations entirely shifted. I feel like so much is still up in the air and that few things are certain right now. As much as I hate ambiguity, I see the necessity of this. I am learning to be laid back, to take things as they come, to love people rather than tasks.

Life right now may be full, and it may feel like a hurricane some days, but I am learning so much about the Father and the Spirit and the Son, and I daily find myself more captivated by their work and their character and everything about them. There are so many things I'd love to articulate, so much about my feelings that I'd love to express but they remain simply feelings rushing around my head. This I do know: I dearly, dearly love my Savior, and I am constantly finding myself falling more in love with Him.

Running (and other Highlights of My Break)

Running is inherently introspective, I think. Of course, this post is the epilogue to a three mile run, so it will be a very reflective post.

Today was my first run in several weeks. Since January 31, in fact. There is nothing like the first run after a long break. It both harder and easier than anticipated. Suddenly all of the forgotten perks of running come rushing back - the sound of feet hitting the pavement, the feel of the wind rushing against the face, the feel of endorphins supplementing focus and determination. Today's run brought all of those pleasantly rushing back.

Normally I run alone. I like to run alone. I like to think and go at my own pace, rather than talk and worry about keeping pace with others. I'm an introspective runner if ever there was one. I can't even focus on the music I am listening to. Such sensations simply wash over me, occasionally rushing to the forefront of my consciousness for a brief span of seconds.

Today I had the great pleasure of running with my favorite companion, Jack. Jack is my beautiful black lab. He is around five years old, with all the energy of a new puppy. The idea of a run threw him into a fit of excitement. It took nearly the entire first mile of the run to calm him down enough to get into a comfortable pace for both of us. I am not so foolish as to pay no regard to the ankle which has kept me off of the road for the better part of two months, so the going was a little slow.

Regardless, it was a glorious run through my neighborhood. Even though it is ridiculously hill-filled (somehow the route that has become my favorite is mostly uphill), the strain felt good on my legs that were still suffering from the effects of a day of traveling.

After the first two miles, I began to feel the effects of the running sabbatical and switched to interval running for the last mile. Jack definitely appreciated the switch. My poor exhausted puppy. I have no doubt that he loved every minute of it. It's interesting how something so simply must have created so much joy for him.

Besides my run, my break so far has been pretty run of the mill. Slept till nine, chiro appt (found out Kurt left - still processing my grief. At least I'll always have Dr. Scott), went to Borders for a closing sale and bought fabulous books for even better prices, and went to Honduras for a week. The rest of the time will be divided into homework, seeing friends from long ago, and enjoying my favorite parts of Kansas City, including the chance to visit camp on Saturday.

I briefly mentioned Honduras. Soon enough this blog will be updated on that experience. But that's enough for today.

Little Women

Tomorrow I loose a great ally for a short time. For the next few days, I shall have to suffer through what has become perhaps my greatest character struggle this year. I have enjoyed her well-timed encouragement and the displeased looks that motivate me to change my attitude, but this weekend brings a challenge to survive alone. She has been a great blessing to me, and I hope that I have likewise provided some encouragement to her.
Perhaps I am a little sentimental; I just finished reading "Little Women" last night for the first time in several years. It was wonderful to stay up late and read, just like I used to during every break we had before college. When my eyes finally moved from the last sentence of the book, it was approximately 3:30 AM, much later than I intended. Watching Amy and Jo and Meg struggle through their childhood years seemed to me to indicate that I am greatly lacking in so many areas. Despite the fictional story (though based on Alcott's life, if I remember correctly) and the romanticism of the characters (it is undeniable), there was still a great moral theme running throughout the book that made me ashamed of my own.
Lately I have been very dissatisfied with my own character, and it seems that whenever I open my mouth, the worst seems to come out. I am a chatterer, a gossip, and I don't use my words to edify nearly enough. Reflecting back on all that I say and do brings a blush to my face, and I am easily frustrated. I have seen God change me so much this year, and it seems that the labor is an ever-growing task. As I type this, I can't help but remember the relevance of the sermon on Sunday to my own life. My dad made the point that a Godly discontent with your character and a desire to grow is healthy. I suppose I agree, but I wish my flaws did not show themselves quite so frequently! I wish that I had a kinder disposition, a more agreeable one. I am so quick to speak and so anxious to appear witty or smart that I often do the opposite. Perhaps that is why I sympathize so well with Jo March, one of the heroines of "Little Women." So many of the things she did or said are things that I myself wish I could express. Somehow she learned to tame her tongue, and I am determined that I shall succeed also.

Ramblings

There is a song that has become rather popular with which I take particular issue. While I am not one to immediately condemn any music that does not talk about the redeeming blood of the Lamb or sacrificial atonement, much of the philosophy espoused by today's musical head-liners challenges me. Many of these songs I enjoy finding different themes and perspectives and viewing them in light of what I know to be truth; this song, however, grates on every one of my nerves. Perhaps this is because as a young generation of Christians we fall prey to the idea that no one can tell us how to live our lives.
In the post-modern, relativistic world that we live in, it is no wonder that we have dismissed so much of the strict separation theology of the past, the theology which so strictly dictated how we lived out our lives of faith. This is not a completely bad thing, but we are left sorely lacking in the realm of boundary-making. Too often we declare ourselves the "stronger-brother" that Paul speaks of in Romans 14, when we are in fact the weaker. I am guilty of slipping into this as much as anyone else. I find myself accepting the culture, and then my relationship with God suffering because I have accepted too much of the culture and forgotten my holiness and set apartness.
However, I digress. The song which I have alluded to is this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR7-AUmiNcA.
The lyrics with which I take most issue are when the artist declares
"And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide"

While I am not sure to whom this song was written, or the situation, thousands of teenagers across America are ripping this song out of context to apply to any voice of authority in their life. And I think that too many Christians are falling into this trend. Our generation has grown up with such a sense of entitlement and independence that we devalue the wisdom and opinions of others to a degree that guarantees our failure. If we cannot look to mentors and teachers - even those we disagree with - we are destined to be narrow-minded fools.
It is like the camera-operator that lacks an artistic eye, but always feels the need to attempt artistic things. He zooms in with abrupt, distracting movements when he shouldn't move his shot or spins his camera quickly when it should be still. The recording director pleads desperately for him to stop because the director sees the big picture and knows how terrible and distracting this is. Yet, the camera-operator, with only one perspective before him, cannot be dissuaded and continues his lack-luster job.
Perhaps this is a confusing metaphor. The point is this. As twenty year olds, we live lives that have zero perspective. When we close our eyes and ears to the wisdom of those that have seen our situations play out before, we lose something great.
But let me be clear. I do not propose taking the advice of any Joe-shmo across the street - or Joe the Plumber. Though we despise when others tell us how to live or who to be, we have an incredible desire to impose our opinions - which are always right-on others. There are people who offer their opinion in unwarranted situations or try to play a part in your life which has not been given to them, and that is frustrating. I think that there is a healthy element of balance which must come, but how to achieve it I cannot articulate clearly at this point.
This is what I do know:
1. There are people in my life whose word I would take at face-value and whose instructions I would follow because I know they care for my best interest.
2. These same people would not be angry with me if I choose another path. They are accepting and, if I can articulate clearly why I didn't take their advice, they are okay with it. They do not try to argue me into their side, only to illuminate other issues.
3. There are people who do attempt to control my life. They become angry and hurt when I choose another path and attempt to argue me into seeing their point. Most of the time, these are shallow friendships with demanding and controlling people. While I don't dismiss their advice to their face and call them morons, I am not afraid to make them angry or disappointed because they are more concerned with being right than my well-being.

I think the most important thing is to keep a Scriptural mindset. Humility, grace, patience, and love are so important, and I struggle daily with keeping those greater than my pride or self-interest, which often get the best of me in these situations.

Giving Thanks

Throughout today, I have been reflecting on the things that make my life so worthwhile - the things that I am grateful for. As we prepared and sat down to the meal of the year, the list grew and grew. I was astounded at the things that I often take for granted, the things that spring to mind the one day of the year that forces recall. So here is a list of things, both trivial and the opposite, that I am especially grateful for (in no particular order).

1. I love my bedroom. I think it is absolutely fantastic, from the furniture set that fulfills all of my little girl fantasies (it includes a vanity) to the handmade blanket and chair/table coverings to the photos hanging on the wall of my favorite place on earth. I wish I could spend more time here.

2. My family is fantastic. I have been blessed with Godly parents who are so concerned about my well-being and provision, a brother and sisters who are smart and witty and fun to be with, that I can depend on and trust, and a beautiful black lab that lives to make his owners happy. In addition to this, I have the most wonderful extended family - grandparents that love and care for me, who encourage me to grow and always support me, aunts and uncles who have watched me grow up and continue to be interested and encouraging in my life, cousins who are just absolutely fabulous, and in-laws that make life interesting.

3. Christmas movies are the bomb. Right now we are watching Miracle on 34th Street. How fantastic. I'm hoping to convince my sisters to watch Muppet Christmas Carol next.

4. Books are quite important to me. I am crazy in love with reading, a love affair that begun when I learned to read. From Little Women and The Chronicles of Narnia to Blue Like Jazz and a little Virgina Woolf, I just love them all. Oh, and Nancy Drew. Nancy Drew books are especially incredible.

5. Education. Oh my goodness, how I treasure this blessing. So much of our lives revolve around literacy and our ability to grasp concepts that education is absolutely a must. Add to that the opportunity to study at an institution so devoted to the heart of God and I am hooked.

6. Fantastic friends are essential. I have the most amazing friends in the world and I am grateful for them daily. I am just absolutely, absolutely, absolutely lost without their support and encouragement and all of the wonderful memories that we share. This year has brought so many new faces into this group, and I am so thankful for that.

7. West Central Christian Service Camp will always have a place especially close to my heart. This camp has meant so much to me, and so much of my growth occurred there. It is a place that prepares my heart to encounter God in a way that no other place has quite captured. I love the camp managers and the nurse and the campers and the faculty, even on the bad days.

8. I am so thankful for our security in Christ Jesus. I am grateful that God created us, that He treasures us, that He redeemed us, that Christ endured the cross, that the Holy Spirit continues to work in us, that the Spirit and Christ are interceding for us, and that there is nothing that can separate us from all that. Especially as I have been studying Romans 8:26-39, I am increasingly impressed by that fact. I marvel daily at all of this, and I praise God that I can't ever quite wrap my head around this, yet it doesn't change any of that.

9. Uh, technology. Holy cow is it amazing. From the laptop that I am typing this on to the lighting system that consumed most of my break, it is astonishing what we are able to do these days - especially skype!

10. Good food, especially around the Holiday season, makes my heart sing. I love mashed potatoes, turkey, bread, stuffed peppers, sweet potato souffle, green bean casserole, ice cream, pie, cake...and I could go on and on. I love the food that we can enjoy and prepare family-style, and I love learning to make all of this.

11. All of the ways that God has grown me in the past few years and His continued work in my life makes me so excited for the future.

12. Prayer is so great. I love having a means with which to communicate with my God.

13. I love me some real great music. From John Mayer to the Veggietales Christmas album, from Hillsong to Frank Sintra, what a blessing music is!

14.I am so excited to meet my new baby nephew in January, whose name I found out just days ago!

On Doubt

I've felt like I have been running non-stop for the past few days, weeks, months. I look at my calender and see no end in sight, yet I can't remember the beginning of this busy season either. Honestly, I hate it. I just keep reminding myself that this is a season, that it will pass, that I am where I need to be. And it actually does help. Especially because God is CONSTANTLY affirming all of these things. It just sucks some days.
When I was younger, I assumed that I thrived on a busy schedule. After all, I enjoyed being involved, committed, essential. But the older I get, the more that I notice that it is Sabbath that brings me the greatest joy. I love to have time to reflect, to rest, to revitalize. To some extent, I try to do that nightly. But I always end up falling asleep. So tonight I thought that I would try something new.
I feel like Christ has done so much in me. I am in a place where I am constantly learning and being challenged - I love it. I find myself becoming more open to things that made me uncomfortable, more steadfast in my view of God, and more impressed by the character of the Trinity. I find myself sifting through sin and evaluating the doctrines that I've been taught, all in light of Scripture. I even find myself seeing more and more hurt in the world, more that makes me want to scream, "THIS ISN'T HOW IT SHOULD BE!"
Tonight I worked at New York and Co for the first time in about a week. Every time I go in, a part of me in made uncomfortable by the amount of money women who come in end up dropping. On one level, it is justifiable. The clothes are good and necessary. But some customers go all out, to extremes that seem ridiculous and laughable. I mean, honestly I want to say to some ladies, do you really need a $55 blazer? Or a $30 shirt? They're just clothes. But when I get to talk to people, I always find myself wanting to help and love more. I talked to a lady tonight who had faced a real tough season in the past few years. I almost cried listening to her. These encounters make the job worth it. I watched as the pain etched itself across her face, drawing pools of water from her bright blue eyes, and listened to her tale of health failure, job loss, debt, and death. It reminded me of when Katie and I met the woman in walmart last year.

And despite the fact that I should be studying, that conversation replies itself over and over again in my head. I remember few of the exact words or phrases mentioned, it is the look, the hurt, the desire for God that sticks with me. What can I do? My heart aches, but I don't know her name. I pray that God eases her pain, that he continue to work in her life to show her reason. But how can I answer for him and his timing? I pray that she find peace and rest in his divine wisdom, but she seemed to be under the impression that any sort of questioning him was a big no-no.
I think the church has for too long espoused the narrow-minded and faulty doctrine that doubt=unbelief. Doubt is natural. It is healthy. We were created with minds so that we could use them, and at times this world hardly looks like the work of a loving, sovereign God. We hurt. We experience stuff that we weren't made to experience. There is wickedness and evil. A doubt is not going to force God into a box. We have to stop being afraid to express them, and start embracing them. To stop shoving them in the back of the closet until the force their way out, and start combating them. Finding satisfactory answers. Otherwise faith ends up being lost, being rejected.
Admittedly, not every doubt has its precise answers. We have a faith of beautiful mystery. There are things of which we cannot know. However most of the time we can learn enough to reasonably believe. After all, if there were an answer to everything, that would not be faith. It'd be fact.

As of late I have noticed a rather troubling trend. It is nothing new, not some crazy fad that will be outdated and forgotten by next week; rather this is a prolific disease that has long been infecting human kind. Perhaps my sensitivity to this ailment has been heightened, or perhaps I am more often exposed to this consuming fire. Perhaps it is something we grow into. The reason for which this issue lies so heavily on my heart remains unknown. The truth about the matter, though, is as unpleasant as starring at oneself in mirror which highlights only the flaws one has.
The issue of which I am speaking is this rampant selfishness that I sense consuming not only my life, but the lives of those around me. Perhaps it is because I am now employed by a retail store that screams "BUY BUY BUY," surrounded by people all too willing to oblige. Frankly I find that to be a great source of temptation to me. But I see it not only in myself. I do not say this to be hypocritical or quick to judge. I do not say it to judge anyone, I suppose, because I am so ugly in my own selfishness. Rather, I say it mournfully. I wish this were not so! I wish that we could see faces or names or tears that our selfishness causes. I wish that their pain could become our reality. We who are blessed so abundantly, yet complain so quickly, we who are increasingly dulled to the screams of those who suffer, we who are so quick to "defend" the weak, yet so unwilling to become like them. We scream for justice and provision in the comfort of our multi-thousand dollar homes, surrounded by hundreds of dollars of things that we cannot "live without." I sense a great irony in that.
That is not to say that I am against spending money for entertainment purpose, or for the purpose of procuring nice, lasting things. On the contrary, I believe that our investments should be wise. I am not against relaxation or entertainment in general. I am not against standing up for the rights of the oppressed or standing up for your own needs. On the contrary, these things are good and healthy and have a place. But, Christian, you and I know a great secret which should revolutionize the way that we think, act, and invest. It should change the way that we step out of bed each morning and the way that we interact with every person who crosses our path. Need I remind you?
Christian, Jesus is ALIVE
I wish the impact of that simple statement had the same effect on me as it did on the apostles, or the first Christians, or the martyrs. I wish that statement was less of a cliche and more of a praise-inducing cry. And, yes, I am joyful and grateful and I know the importance of the resurrection. I praise God for it. Yet I have this recurring feeling that I should be more. It should shake me to my core to serve a God so great that He sent His Son to die and then to be raised and seated at His right hand. Hallelujah! And though a chill passes through my body and a smile creeps onto my lips as those words appear on my computer screen, I can't help but feel that I will never truly appreciate the magnitude that sentence expresses.
I feel this manifested in no greater way than in my selfishness. Yet I am at a loss as to how to proceed. I have identified the sin, yet I cannot remove it. I know that each day will be a war against my self, a crucifixion of sorts, yet this cognitive knowledge makes it no further. It does not change my heart. But, oh, I wish it would. I pray that God would chisel that part of me away, would teach my unwilling flesh obedience. But I rejoice that "no sky contains, no doubt restrains all You are, the greatness of our God. I spend my life to know, and I'm far from close to all You are, the greatness of our God." For I know that is a God who can change me.

Give me eyes to see more of who You are.
May what I behold still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known and break it all apart.
For You, my God, are greater still.


Give me grace to see beyond this moment here,
To believe that there is nothing left to fear,
that You alone are high above it all,
For You, my God, are greater still.

-Hillsong, "The Greatness of our God." A Beautiful Exchange, 2010.

Tension

Something that I vaguely alluded to in my last post in this growing discontentment that I'm experiencing. I know what's causing it, but I don't know how to fix it. I'm stuck in a place where I know I'm not happy, per se, but I don't know what or how I need to change.
One thing that I'm struggling with is the idea of a calling. Since I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was teach. Now that I'm starring that in the face, I'm hesitating for some reason. In large part, I believe this has to do with the amount of school I'd have to complete to achieve said degree. I'm so tired of going to school that five more years feels like an eternity. I find myself asking all too frequently, "is this really worth it?" Is it worth the thousands of dollars of debt I'm racking up? Is it worth prolonging this season? That's the tension I'm living in right now.
Of course, there are other contributing factors. I've been trying to get involved with a local youth group, and it hasn't worked out like I want. Over the summer I did some stuff with the girls at my home church and enjoyed it, but with this youth group I feel like just a warm body. It feels very clique-y and I honestly don't feel necessary. I'm not making a difference and that fuels this discontentment. I'm not very good at initiating relationships, especially when so many have already been established. I really don't enjoy it, but I so enjoyed teaching the girls from home. I don't know what to do. Do I stay involved, hoping that when I am allowed to lead a group these things change? Do I find another ministry and abandon this idea totally? I'm very unsure.
I know I'm passionate about helping people live the life God's called them to, I'm passionate about changing the way people think and apologetics. I love my personal evangelism class, and have recently become rather enamored with the writing of Don Miller I like speaking publicly (to some extent) and I love to exegete. For these reasons, I'm considering going into women's ministry. . This, in large part, is due to a speaker I've been enjoying, Bianca Juarez. I believe that she's the women's minister at a large church in Southern Cali, and I love the way she speaks. She appeals to their compassion and emotional needs, but she maintains authority and intellect. I'd love to do that.
But I don't feel even remotely qualified. And maybe I am supposed to be a high school teacher. How can I rule something out so quickly? Yet, as a women's ministry major, I'd still be teaching. Albeit, very differently, but still teaching.
I don't know yet. These are all ideas I've recently been considering. I don't want to make a decision based on this desire to start living my life instead of preparing for it, but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a factor. There's the issue. I just don't have any idea what to do lately.

I feel like I'm in this stage of constant change, and I hate it.
I feel so torn between so many different things that I want to cry some days.
I love OCC
But some days (a lot of days) I love camp more.
I love learning and I'm excited about the calling I feel.
But I want to be out there, not planning it.
As crucial as I know this time is, I'd just like to say:

THIS SUCKS.