Something that I vaguely alluded to in my last post in this growing discontentment that I'm experiencing. I know what's causing it, but I don't know how to fix it. I'm stuck in a place where I know I'm not happy, per se, but I don't know what or how I need to change.
One thing that I'm struggling with is the idea of a calling. Since I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was teach. Now that I'm starring that in the face, I'm hesitating for some reason. In large part, I believe this has to do with the amount of school I'd have to complete to achieve said degree. I'm so tired of going to school that five more years feels like an eternity. I find myself asking all too frequently, "is this really worth it?" Is it worth the thousands of dollars of debt I'm racking up? Is it worth prolonging this season? That's the tension I'm living in right now.
Of course, there are other contributing factors. I've been trying to get involved with a local youth group, and it hasn't worked out like I want. Over the summer I did some stuff with the girls at my home church and enjoyed it, but with this youth group I feel like just a warm body. It feels very clique-y and I honestly don't feel necessary. I'm not making a difference and that fuels this discontentment. I'm not very good at initiating relationships, especially when so many have already been established. I really don't enjoy it, but I so enjoyed teaching the girls from home. I don't know what to do. Do I stay involved, hoping that when I am allowed to lead a group these things change? Do I find another ministry and abandon this idea totally? I'm very unsure.
I know I'm passionate about helping people live the life God's called them to, I'm passionate about changing the way people think and apologetics. I love my personal evangelism class, and have recently become rather enamored with the writing of Don Miller I like speaking publicly (to some extent) and I love to exegete. For these reasons, I'm considering going into women's ministry. . This, in large part, is due to a speaker I've been enjoying, Bianca Juarez. I believe that she's the women's minister at a large church in Southern Cali, and I love the way she speaks. She appeals to their compassion and emotional needs, but she maintains authority and intellect. I'd love to do that.
But I don't feel even remotely qualified. And maybe I am supposed to be a high school teacher. How can I rule something out so quickly? Yet, as a women's ministry major, I'd still be teaching. Albeit, very differently, but still teaching.
I don't know yet. These are all ideas I've recently been considering. I don't want to make a decision based on this desire to start living my life instead of preparing for it, but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a factor. There's the issue. I just don't have any idea what to do lately.
