The Next Chapter (and God's Incredible Faithfulness)

At the beginning of the camp season, our sweet summer mama (Duonna) challenged us (the staff) to do the 40 Day Prayer Challenge, as enumerated by Mark Batterson, with her. The challenge is based around an account from Jewish tradition of a prophet named Honi, who lived somewhere between the times when the Old Testament was finished and the New Testament had yet to begin.

There was a great drought in Jerusalem during Honi's life, and he cried desperately out to God for it to be ended. He drew a circle in the ground outside and declared that he would not leave the circle until God answered his prayer for rain. He begins to pray, and a drizzle slowly begins to fall. Amazed, the people around Honi rush to him and urge him to seek shelter. He refused, pointedly declaring "Not for such rain have I prayed," and he resumed praying. The rain changed at that point, becoming violent and soaking the earth. Again, the people urged Honi to seek shelter, and again he answered that this was not the rain that he had prayed for. Finally, the rain shifted once more. This rain was different from the light drizzle and the violent downpour; this rain was sweet and refreshing. It soaked the earth gently, and only then did Honi stand up and leave his circle. This was the rain for which he had prayed.

The entire point of the challenge was to pray persistently. Too often, we presume that we have received an answer and quit praying before we have really gotten what we wanted. Now, of course, there are caveats to this. God's plans are not ours, nor do we understand his ways. However in the Bible there is a precedent set of praying persistently (Elijah and Jesus come to my mind immediately).

When I was offered the job in Concordia, I was incredibly apprehensive. After a semester of job hunting disappointment, I was ecstatic to think of having a job, but I wanted to be sure that I was accepting the job that God wanted me to take - not just seeking to provide for myself. As I have spent the past few days starting to settle into Concordia, I truly feel that this is the rain that I have prayed for. As tentative as I was to accept a job in a town with which I have no prior connections, I have seen God confirm in so many small ways that I am where He wants me.

Although Concordia, Missouri is far from the inner city school I planned to teach in (a dream that I have not given up on by any means - after all, I have about another 50 years of teaching ahead of me) it is so clearly where I am to be for this season. I couldn't be more excited to begin my teaching career anywhere. I can see how all of these tiny pieces of my life and preparation for teaching are fitting together in Concordia. It is an incredibly wonderful - and peaceful - thing to watch God's faithfulness and His answers to SO many of my - and others' prayers on my behalf - unfold.

It reminds me of how the ancient Israelites would set up memorials to remind themselves of instances of God's faithfulness and deliverance (Joshua 4, Deut. 6:7-9). In some small way, I want this blog post to be my "pile of rocks." I want to remember this time of seeing God's faithfulness so clearly and definitely.

I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;

    I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.

 I will be glad and rejoice in you;    I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High.

Psalm 9:1-2

Camp

Every summer I fall in love with camp all over again. I love the joy of new campers and faculty, the hopes of a great week, even the inevitable disappointment that comes when things don't live up to expectation. There is something beautiful in the give and take of camp, the utter exhaustion and the complete dependence on God to give me grace and strength to survive. There is sheer blessing in the hours of thinking on my lifeguard stand and the slow bronzing of the skin on my back around the straps of my swimsuit.

I love to spend my days with Duonna and Jessica and the interns, to do crazy things to make Tom shake his head and grin, and to have long talks with the interns. I love celebrating crazy holidays that are so mundane that it is difficult to celebrate them. More and more I find myself looking forward to meeting and knowing the interns. I love to tease them, but even more I love to sit and talk with them, to speak God's truth in their lives or to just talk about life in college.

Mostly, I love thinking over the things Jesus has done in my heart each year that I've come to WCCSC. It's amazing to trace my growth first as a camper, and then to see how even these summers find me learning more and more. I can't wait to write some of my most recent reflections, but camp exhaustion has me calling it a night. So, until later, good night.

One of the greatest responsibilities and privileges I have is to oversee the tutoring program at a local ministry. It's small - about ten students - but God is moving. I have been involved with this ministry for the length of my college career but just recently it was thrown into my lap. I went from being a volunteer to being a director of sorts, and the transition has been more or less overwhelming. In the past five months, however, I have seen some great opportunities arise.

I've watched the program grow from the ground up. None of the students that I tutored in the past years is involved anymore; its all new students and new tutors. The classrooms have changed as well - not in their physical location, but in the room layout and purposes. Last semester was all about these transitions.

But this semester? This semester promises great things. God is already working in such obvious ways. I have been able to meet with people and establish curriculum that will astronomically benefit most of these students. I have been able to establish connections between the ministry and the school - connections that enable the ministry to access academic records. I have watched relationships grow, and I've had the opportunity to sit down with these college aged tutors and ask them to intentionally insert themselves as role models and helpers in the students' lives.

But it honestly is not about what I've done. All I do is lay groundwork. I establish the system so that the volunteers can work. I watch them pour into these students and get little in return, especially in the way of gratitude. I watch them sacrifice precious time to pour into these little ones that are so near and dear to the Father's heart, and I am humbled that I get to be a part of it.

I am far from the leader that I should be, but by the grace of God things are happening. I've been purposely vague in discussing this ministry because of the delicate matter of the subject - my first priority is to protect the kids. But God is moving in mighty ways, and I find myself daily experiencing this. Lately, its been most tangible in the attacks I find the devil attempting. But I see it in the conversations I have with parents, in the interactions I have with the kids, and I see it in the commitment and passion of my volunteers. And the real point of what this is, the real reason that nothing that I do truly matters is because it is all for the sake of the glory and honor and power of God. If I lose everything, pursuing that end I still will have won.

It's difficult for me to articulate all of the things that I wish to appear on this blog. Sometimes things crystallize perfectly, and I write things that, to me, seem inspired on some level, or at least profound as they relate to me. And honestly, that's kind of what blogging is: a collection of the happenings and thoughts which you wish to share, sometimes because they inspire you, sometimes because they inspire others. Lately it has been very difficult to find the words or the time or even the stability to write. Even as I type sentences are not coming together in my mind as they sometimes do. However, I am afraid of losing the ability to write all together and so I try this fine evening.

Stability. Chaos. One of those words characterizes my life far more often than the other. If it were stability, I doubt that I would be writing about it right now. I crave stability. There is little that I love more than an established routine, knowing what to expect. Oh, I love thinking of the future and the joys which I know will characterize the change in my life, but when I am standing on the brink of a new transition I only want to visualize exactly what my life will be. My father pinpointed this for me better than I could ever for myself. Interesting, isn't it, how easily parents can identify core personality themes?

I digress. Stability is become a more constant theme in my life. I am not sure what is different this semester, if I simply know how to prioritize better, if I know who I am and what I want more intimately, or if something massive changed over break that I haven't put my finger on yet. Ultimately it is not important to know why. What is important is that I am looking forward to a semester filled with peace, filled with training, filled with stability, filled with Jesus.

Exciting things are happening in nearly every aspect of my life. As always, God is working in Life House in ways that I can hardly believe. If you're reading this, small blog audience, please pray for the leadership of Life House. Pray for our kids, pray for our volunteers - how honored I would be if you prayed for me. It's never easy, but I am finding more and more joy in the responsibilities I have.

November Edition

Once the school year hits, I feel as if this blog turns into an obligatory newspaper to which I must write at least monthly. In the summer, and during Christmas break, I am bursting with things that I am turning over in my mind and want to share. When I am in Joplin, I barely have time to think through the things I am doing.

At any rate, these days I find myself longing to read. Like most girls, I have lately been looking through Pinterest. I have found the website most helpful in planning for Christmas. In fact, I found all my gift ideas on Pinterest this year, and I so enjoy making them. There is something special about a homemade gift, I think. I have already finished three of my gifts, planned three to be completed closer to Christmas, and am ironing out the details of the last five. However, my favorite thing to find on Pinterest have undoubtedly been the reading nooks. Every once in a while a "pin" will appear depicting some fabulous shelving idea or some great corner that just beckons one to come and spend hours with a good book. I can't remember the last book that I finished that I read just for myself, for enjoyment. I hope to have the opportunity to do so again soon.

Mostly my days are spent running from one activity to the next. When I daydream at the future, I am most excited for 8-5 days that are spent in one place, for evenings spent in my home, for homework free nights. However, I fear these dreams are nothing more and I will find things to occupy those precious hours. I just don't seem to be able to sit still.

If this post comes across discontent and exhausted, it is because I am. It's that part of the semester where students just long to be done. Thanksgiving break gives a glimpse of Christmas break, which glimpses summer break - a time of joyous relaxation and recuperation. And camp. Oh, how I miss camp.

I do have several things to look forward to, however. I get to spend New Years in Syracuse, NY with my best friend for her birthday, I get to have lunch with six of my very good friends that have not all gathered together since 2009, and I get to spend a few hours with a friend that I have not seen in at least a decade. And I get to visit camp.

If I can make it through the next three weeks, I will be a very happy girl!

Summary

September seems to have run right past me. In fact, August seemed to fly by as well. Each day seems to feel like a mere hour and each month feels like one week. Particularly this year, I find myself clinging desperately for each passing minute, hoping to cram more and more into my limited twenty-four hours.

I've been busy before but this year seems to be re-defining the word and not just for me. Everyone's schedule seems to be as chaotic, perhaps a lingering consequence of living in post-tornado Joplin. While my life is largely unaffected by it, friends are doing truly great things to serve the city and Joplin-ites (?) and furthering the kingdom. My involvement is limited to riding my bike past the make-shift school set up as an alternative to a building not safe for students or occasionally driving through the "tornado zone," which I find myself avoiding as much as possible because each time I see it, it seems to break my heart a little more.

Instead, I have continued to serve in all the things I anticipated this fall would bring. I love encouraging and supporting my friends and community in rebuilding but that is simply not where I am called right now, which seems strange to me. If I could give more hours or somehow acquire the time-turner Hermione used at Hogwarts, I would be there in a heartbeat. But I know that my time is spent better encouraging and supporting those who do serve and loving the kids at Life House. Most afternoons are filled with Life House related activities - especially as we get ready to kick off tutoring. My mornings are spent in class and at work, and my evenings are a dismal attempt to maintain a social life, get adequate rest, and do homework and online class. It is true that only two of those ever seem compatible.

I am learning so much in my classes, particularly at Ozark. My MSSU classes are interesting as well, but I very much enjoy this season of learning and growth. I love living off-campus and having a home to retreat to and entertain from. I love when the neighbor kids come ask if I can play and the two mile ride to campus every day. It is a busy season that is flying by much too quickly, but it is a time of growth and rest and learning.

On love and marriage. And rest.

At the present moment, I sit in the guest room of my brother's home as the sounds of the concluding numbers of the annual jazz festival waft gently and soothingly through the open windows from the park across the street. The time that I spent here, though a few days from being finished, has been so restful and rejuvenating. The greyhound adventure was rather calm, though it had its interesting moments, and I am beginning to feel more like myself.

The last few weeks have been truly draining. So many conflicts, both internal and external, waged war on my spirit and the grueling tests that ended the year were no help. As much as I love my community and all that I do in Joplin, I had to leave. I looked forward to leaving. Though I did not realize the extent of the damage that the last month inflicted, I did know that it wasn't healthy for me to stay there - the feelings that I had been suppressing were bound to roll over the top. I know suppression is rarely healthy but I think that it was in this case. I have a habit of imposing unfair expectations on people and then becoming quite disappointed when they fail to live up to them. While holding in all of my thoughts towards the end made the last days a living hell at some times, it saved the people I love from my hurtful words, and for that I am grateful. It was important for me to leave and process everything, in order to heal and be able to contribute to the community again.

Then the storm hit. If my emotions had been in shambles before such an event, the wreckage was far from distinguishable after. I have no claim on anyone's pity, because I was not there, nor do I have any right to call what I felt even a glimmer of survivor's guilt. Yet there was an emotional attachment to the city that made my heart turn within my chest. The few days I spend at home turned from a Sabbath to days of walking around with a heavy heart and great sadness. Hours were spent staring at the wreckage, trying to mentally map the pictures flashing across the television and computer screens. The time that wasn't poured into grieving and praying for Joplin was devoted to studying to become a re-certified lifeguard, and then I almost immediately shipped out to Oklahoma, a girl running on empty and ready for distraction. Even my quiet time, my time with Jesus, suffered greatly.

But in this home I have found greater peace than what I could anticipate. In the delighted smiles of my nephew and the long talks with my sister-in-law about love and marriage and family, I have felt joy. It is wonderful to feel someone pouring into me in the way that Erin is. It is wonderful to talk to someone who has been in my shoes and felt as I do, to talk to her about the beginning of her and Nathan's relationship and things that pertain to love and self-image. As I watch their little family together, I see a "someday dream," one that has come to pass for her and one that I still fervently pray for.

While I think I could remain unmarried for the rest of my days and survive, I know that I crave a marriage. I want to be a God-honoring woman no matter where I am or what my relationship status is, and so I pursue God first and foremost. Yet there are days when my someday dreams crop up and get the best of me. I want to embark on the adventure of marriage, of serving God together for life, of furthering the kingdom by two people, divinely unified for all days. But I think the God part is far more important than the two people part.

These thoughts (not regarding a certain someone, but in general) began to chyrstalize after a recent trip to the movie theater. I rarely go to the movies (before this one, I think I saw Toy Story in June). It's a lot of money for something that doesn't retain my attention well. And a long time to sit still. But some friends were going, and I decided I was in the right mood. We saw the movie Something Borrowed, with Kate Hudson and John Kransinski and a whole slew of other talented people. The story is that Kate Hudson is engaged to this guy who's evidently had feelings for her best friend forever but thought they were unreciprocated. The night of the friend's 30th birthday, truth is revealed and so begins the affair. For a long time it goes back and forth between them feeling awful about sneaking around and painting Kate Hudson's character as the bad guy. Surprisingly, months go by before the fiance makes a choice between the best friend and Kate Hudson. I mean, who saw that coming? A guy who's good enough to sleep with the best friend of his fiance doesn't have the stones to give a definite answer to either woman? Wow, crazy.

The movie really got under my skin for some reason. I'm sure part of it was my emotional vulnerability, though I wouldn't discount the annoying habit I have of analyzing everything that come through my mind and philosophically dissecting it in terms of everyday practicality. After wrestling with it for a few days, here's what it came down to:

I have come to disdain chick flicks. I'm tired of movies about desperate, lonely girls who do stupid things in pursuit of a forbidden man, who in turn loves them for their immoral and selfish ways, claiming great emotional connection as the end all be all.

That's not the woman I want to be. So am I doomed to single-dom? Since I want to have a man nobly and God-fearingly pursue me, respect me, love me? Since I want to fall in love once and have Christ at the center? Since I want to be in love with a man who loves me in spite of - not because - my character flaws, a man who pushes me to be a better, more Christ following woman? Since I crave more than an emotional connection, but a moral, intellectual, and spiritual connection that preludes any sort of physical or emotional vulnerability? Am I facing a future full of lonely nights and endless bags of cat food because I want the man I love to enable me, to push me and challenge me in serving God? Because I want a partner in ministry and a man to help in bringing glory to the King, the Creator of the universe and the Redeemer of souls? Does that rule our the possibility of romance and passion and deep, deep love?

Doubtful.

As much as I crave this experience, this connection, this love, as I much as I desire to be a wife and confidante and lover and servant to a man to whom I have given the days of my earthly existence and the trust of a life together, I could not be happy in a relationship lacking such things. I'd rather live the singe life forever.

Rarely am I comfortable sharing such intimate thoughts, yet there is a point in all my rambling. I'm tired of the lowering expectations for romance and building a life together. I feel like girls are falling prey to the myth that men can't be better, can't change. I'm not suggesting that withholding all affection and intimacy is the answer to a morally degenerative society, but I do think that - to some extent - when ladies have high expectations, men rise to meet them. I can't help but wonder how many men would become better leaders, better husbands and fathers, if woman could accept their identity as beloved daughters and sisters in Christ rather than pursuing an identity as a wife, mother, lover, girlfriend, etc.

It'd be an interesting experiment, I think. I could be wrong, I don't know. But that knowledge does not compel me to change the way I'm living. If my expectations are that morbidly incorrect, I think I'd rather miss out on the whole thing anyway.

Storms

A mere twenty hours after leaving my college hometown, a tornado ripped portions of the city to shreds. Most news sources have their own cover of the stories. We sat in front of the TV as the devastation became more and more publicized. The city is unrecognizable. My heart breaks for those who lost so much. It is unfathomable, especially as far away as I am. I know that it won't truly be real for me until I drive down those roads myself and see the lingering after-effects of such a power storm. How I long to be there with my friends, of whom I am so very proud as they continue to pour themselves out for their neighbors. I love watching them be the hands and feet of Christ, a truly united church serving their community.

Editorial Note: a friend just text me to report that the sirens are going off in Joplin and a tornado was sighted a few miles north of Joplin. Devastating. Terrifying. Oh, how my heart breaks.

Yet life goes on. We pray and we give and we pray some more. But ultimately, time marches on. The recovery and rescue attempts take less and less of our time and attention as the daily chores and information claim our focus. There's nothing wrong with this, I know. Yet it is hard not to feel guilty. It is difficult not to feel like a victim, even so many miles away. My heart is with those that I love in the city where I reside most of the year. But other responsibilities make it impossible for me to go back to this beloved place. If I could move back, I'd be there in a heartbeat. But I have to prepare for my summer, I've committed to spending time with my brother and sister-in-law, I have to move to camp. I wish with everything in me that I could spend these days in Joplin; yet I am excited about the things which will fill my days instead. And I wrestle with this. I know in my head that I shouldn't feel this obligation necessarily. I know that it is okay for me to be upset and appropriate for me to call on my Heavenly Father and beg for His mercy. But there is no place for my feelings of guilt. It is simply selfish.

But I cannot feel excited without this guilt. I go to update social media sites and can say nothing but to re-iterate my prayers for Joplin. My Facebook news feed is an odd blend of gruesome pictures of streets I drove down a few days ago and mundane daily news. The pictures look like something out of a bomb catastrophe. The trees are left barely standing, naked without the leaves or small branches to decorate them. Homes are simply a pile of wooden planks mixed with years of rubbish torn apart. It's indescribable.

Yet I still wish that I was there. I know that God is working mightily in that city right now, even as the citizens sit terrified in their basement.

I cannot conclude this post without relating my own mundane news. While I would love for my travels to take me to Joplin, I will instead be traveling to Oklahoma City on a greyhound bus. While I am quite familiar with school buses, I have never taken so much as a city bus, much less a greyhound. I am oddly excited. I am also excited to spend a week with some of my favorite people. And I am excited to go to camp in just over a week. Mostly, I am excited for life to go on, to move past this terrible tornado and to watch Joplin re-build, to see the lasting Kingdom effects of this devastation - to watch the beauty rise out of the ashes.

The Charms of Home

Home. Though I am only here for a short time, I intent to savor every minute of it. I love to rest, to read whatever I want, to have an entire room painted and decorated to my whim that I can enjoy. I love growing up and going away and begin to feel the anticipation of independence (a concept both terrifying and incredible exciting), I love to be back where I am taken care of, where I can walk out of my room and be greeted by things dating back a decade and - best of all - my family. I love going to church at LifeSpring and seeing all of the people who are near and dear to my heart. There's just so many wonderful people in Kansas City (although the metro area does not have the monopoly. There are several great people in Joplin as well).

However, my stay here is so very brief. Ironically, I am quite excited to leave. After resting here (and studying for a terrible test that is slated for Tuesday afternoon), I get to travel down to Oklahoma to be the most excellent aunt I can to my precious little nephew and to visit with my sister-in-law and brother for a week. I do love them so much, and I am really looking forward to getting to hang out with them for a while.

After that wonderful week, I'll come back to Kansas City, re-pack everything (well, not EVERYTHING. but lots) and move to West Central Christian Service Camp for another excellent summer of lifeguarding and shoot-outs with the nurse. I am so ready to be back at camp, and I am so looking forward to this summer.

I think the thing that most excites me about this summer is the prospect of growth, of training, of discipline. Last summer was a good forerunner, but I intend to be more intentional as the next few months' progress. I want to know more about God, to know Him better and trust Him more, to stretch my intellectual capacity, and to start running again. Oh, how I love to run. Some of my most intimate God moments seem to happen out on the road in front of camp. I am so looking forward to it.

Joy

I have found a new obsession. Coincidentally, this obsession is the best thing that I have ever done.

I wrote a little about the mentoring project I am working on in my last post. That little snapshot was a gross misrepresentation of the amount of time and energy that I have devoted to this. Since week of e (spring break), I have been working to pull this thing off. More than anything, I've been turning it over in my head, trying to see it, trying to make it real.

Well, as of May 3rd, it is real.

The reality of it still sends shivers up my spine. That one thought makes me feel like I'm on a roller coaster, about to descend the first real hill. My stomach leaps to my throat, and it's a bit hard to breathe. It's happening. This is my baby - the thing that I am most passionate about. And it's actually becoming a reality. The impossibility of it all strikes me more than anything. Like I said earlier, this is the best thing I've ever done. More than that, this is the type of thing that I have always wanted to do. It's a small piece of a dream that is intricately connected to my heart, something so intimate yet so public now. In many ways, it's bizarre.

It's still weird to hear other people talk about it. There's a part of me that selfishly desires to keep it close, to shelter and protect it, to maintain the monopoly of conversation on it. While that part exists, I'm still beyond excited to hear people discuss it. It's amazing how people have caught the vision and the passion that I have had, although I don't think anyone could love it quite as I do.

What happened on May 3rd, you ask? May 3rd marked parent approval. A dear friend and I went to visit with the parents after the Tuesday afternoon activity. Both parents received it extremely well. It was amazing the trust that they had in anything associated with the ministry, which only serves as a strong testimony to the work that is being done. It is an exciting time.

In the next few weeks, I will be introducing the mentoring pairs, helping to set up the first meeting, facilitating a training session for the mentors (speakers: the elementary school principal and a social worker), and making general going-out-of-town preparations. It's difficult, in some ways, to trust something so dear to my heart to anyone for such an extended time. But I'm excited too. I want this to change. I want to tweak it, I want to learn. I want this program to grow and to become better. It's scary to hold a dream out so far and let it be beat against and let it fail in its own right, but I think that is part of the charm to me. It is an adventure.

The fall will already bring several, more official changes to this program. I'm hoping to get grown-ups involved to serve as partners for the young adults who will be serving as mentors. I'm also hoping to compile more information regarding both the students and the volunteers who are involved. I am hoping to have lots more people involved. Ideally, I want this to become a volunteer-led, self-sustaining program that will continue to evolve and benefit people long after I leave.

The fall will also bring the opportunity for me to live in this community, to work harder and longer on this, to devote more time and energy to this. Not only will my housing situation make this more feasible, but also my course load. It's amazing to see everything come together, to watch the hand of God and recognize the opportunities unfold.

But if this whole thing falls flat on its face, my joy will not be any less. My God will not be any smaller. My dream will perhaps be scathed, but it will remain. I am only twenty years old, after all. I hope that this is not the best thing I ever do. In fact, I know it won't be.

Life Right Now

It's been a while since I posted anything even remotely current. My life right now feels like a hurricane of activity, and I am terrified of the collateral damage that seems inevitable. Despite the negative connotations of such a metaphor, it excites me more than frightens me. So I guess that's a plus.

The semester is winding down as far as school work goes, yet I somehow seem just as busy as ever. Today marked the turning in of one of my three remaining assignments, a burden which I didn't notice until it was lifted. I have spent the entire semester working, it seems. I have barely kept my head above the workload threatening to drown me, and only now can I see how perilously close I came to such a fate.

Work has been especially, especially busy these last few weeks. With the musical approaching entirely too quickly, it seems that my afternoons are devoted to preparation for the musical or playing catch up on the things which got bumped from the time the musical claimed.

I have decided not to be an resident assistant next semester. Despite the fact that I did not do nearly the job I wish I had done, and I will always regret such a short service with many broken commitments, I feel God tugging me away from the dorm and into Life House more deeply. Plus, without the harness of being an RA I can now do the things which I wanted to do as an RA (the catch-22 of dorm life).

What will I be doing at Life House? Well, honestly, I'm not really sure what it will look like, but I know it will be time consuming. For the past several weeks, I have been going to meetings and brainstorming and praying about a project that I want to start in the neighborhood. A mentoring project. What started as a small idea has grown into a dangerous whirlwind that threatens to plow me over at any moment. Basically, the idea is to partner with the school, the parents, and the existing ministry to provide mentors to kids that Life House already has consistent communication with. I have met with several people, including the principal of the elementary school all of the children attend, and this small idea that the Holy Spirit put on my heart has grown and grown and grown into something that I never saw coming. People have been so incredibly receptive and encouraging, and while it has been a lot (A LOT) of work, it hasn't been an uphill battle in the least. Working out the logistics is a headache after headache affair, but I have had tremendous support. Soon, soon, soon the launch for a summer trial run is approaching. Soon I will be approaching the parents about this idea. I need all the prayer that I can get!

In all of these things, I am so vastly impressed with the work of the Holy Spirit. As much as I'd love to take credit for all this and avoid sounding all new age-y and mystical, I can't. From the very beginning, the Spirit has been guiding me and working on people's hearts. It's an amazing picture. I know that this is where God wants me and this is what he wants me to do, but I can't rule out the possibility that this will fall flat on its face or morph into something entirely different. And I think that I am okay with that. I am trying to be, at least.

God has been teaching me so much in these last weeks. My heart and mind have been torn open and stitched shut, my circumstances have been altered, my expectations entirely shifted. I feel like so much is still up in the air and that few things are certain right now. As much as I hate ambiguity, I see the necessity of this. I am learning to be laid back, to take things as they come, to love people rather than tasks.

Life right now may be full, and it may feel like a hurricane some days, but I am learning so much about the Father and the Spirit and the Son, and I daily find myself more captivated by their work and their character and everything about them. There are so many things I'd love to articulate, so much about my feelings that I'd love to express but they remain simply feelings rushing around my head. This I do know: I dearly, dearly love my Savior, and I am constantly finding myself falling more in love with Him.

Running (and other Highlights of My Break)

Running is inherently introspective, I think. Of course, this post is the epilogue to a three mile run, so it will be a very reflective post.

Today was my first run in several weeks. Since January 31, in fact. There is nothing like the first run after a long break. It both harder and easier than anticipated. Suddenly all of the forgotten perks of running come rushing back - the sound of feet hitting the pavement, the feel of the wind rushing against the face, the feel of endorphins supplementing focus and determination. Today's run brought all of those pleasantly rushing back.

Normally I run alone. I like to run alone. I like to think and go at my own pace, rather than talk and worry about keeping pace with others. I'm an introspective runner if ever there was one. I can't even focus on the music I am listening to. Such sensations simply wash over me, occasionally rushing to the forefront of my consciousness for a brief span of seconds.

Today I had the great pleasure of running with my favorite companion, Jack. Jack is my beautiful black lab. He is around five years old, with all the energy of a new puppy. The idea of a run threw him into a fit of excitement. It took nearly the entire first mile of the run to calm him down enough to get into a comfortable pace for both of us. I am not so foolish as to pay no regard to the ankle which has kept me off of the road for the better part of two months, so the going was a little slow.

Regardless, it was a glorious run through my neighborhood. Even though it is ridiculously hill-filled (somehow the route that has become my favorite is mostly uphill), the strain felt good on my legs that were still suffering from the effects of a day of traveling.

After the first two miles, I began to feel the effects of the running sabbatical and switched to interval running for the last mile. Jack definitely appreciated the switch. My poor exhausted puppy. I have no doubt that he loved every minute of it. It's interesting how something so simply must have created so much joy for him.

Besides my run, my break so far has been pretty run of the mill. Slept till nine, chiro appt (found out Kurt left - still processing my grief. At least I'll always have Dr. Scott), went to Borders for a closing sale and bought fabulous books for even better prices, and went to Honduras for a week. The rest of the time will be divided into homework, seeing friends from long ago, and enjoying my favorite parts of Kansas City, including the chance to visit camp on Saturday.

I briefly mentioned Honduras. Soon enough this blog will be updated on that experience. But that's enough for today.

Honesty.

Some days I feel more acutely aware of my own flaws than others. In some ways, today has been such a day.

As my stress level increases, I find myself become less and less gracious and more whine-y, for lack of a better term. My ability to relate to people on a relational level all but vanishes behind the shadows of the enormous to-do list taking up residence in the forefront of my brain. Even God sometimes must submit to the demands of my schedule.

I hate that. I know it isn't right. I know that I serve a God who is so much bigger than any demand that could ever be placed on my time, so much more important than any single assignment or task or grade. Yet he takes his place somewhere in the bottom half of the task list, patiently waiting for my overwhelmed heart to seek solace in him.

Overwhelmed. I've been using that word a lot lately. I don't even have a firm grasp on what it means. I've started to simply use it to express the inexpressible ball of lead that has made its home somewhere between my stomach and my mouth, nestling near the bottom of my trachea, meddling where it shouldn't and dropping to the pit of my stomach as it pleases. As much as I try to give it to God, it is content to stay right where it has been residing for far to long. I so desire for its removal, yet it stays.

A good friend reminded me tonight that I am in a time that I will not remember nostalgically, but simply as a time when God was preparing me for something greater. I long to fully believe that. Yet as the days dwindle and the airport looms ahead, I find myself distracted, unfocused on the prize. Perhaps it is the sheer amount of unpleasant tasks that stand between us, but I still feel as though I should feel something. I am beyond excited about the anticipation my little sister feels. Reading her blog post on the article fills my heart with a big sister's pride - to know her heart and see her serving God is bliss. I am excited for her, but strangely empty with regards to my experience.

So much of me longs to have an explanation for this. Try as I might, I cannot see beyond the end of the stressful season. I feel each day pass - seemingly taking an eternity, yet gone in a blink. I feel the discouragement and the anticipation of simply being provided for and taken care of for a few days, but no more.

It is on days like these that I long for an emotional response. As a whole, I tend toward the analytical side, reserving my tears (generally) for situations that warrant frustration or anger. I can't force myself to feel something or even to see beyond the logical on some days. I feel drawn to work and productivity and see relationships as a means to an end, rather than a joy. Don't get me wrong, I do value friendship but I often do not pursue friendship for the joy that it will later bring.

It is on days like these that I long for the loving heart of Christ which so many around me need to see and feel. I long to be the embracer, the one with the perfect hug and comment, to be used more by the Holy Spirit. I can only pray that He would continue His work in me on days like this. And on every day. And I can look forward to the glorification that stands in the distance, the final perfection, the beginning of a Heavenly Kingdom.

Thoughts on Fridays.

Fridays are inherently good.

Classes rushed past, as always, and as I walked out of my 11:25 at 11:41, I felt free. I stopped over in the Student Center to check my mail - and lo and behold, there sat a package from Amazon. I love getting new books. Today's choice is "The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I am so excited to read it, as I've heard fantastic things about the book and very much respect Bonhoeffer.

This Friday brought with it a wonderful opportunity: to go swimming. I have not swam in months. Oh, how I missed it. When I swim, I feel the big-ness of God. There is something inexplicable that happens in the gentle rise and fall of the water, as I rush back and forth. There is a pleasure which I cannot quite articulate, a calm that I wish that I could put in a bottle. Exhausting as it is, the joy of it makes me yearn for more. It is bizarre to me that something as simple as swimming can have such an effect. Anxieties which I didn't know I was carrying fall to the ground as I encounter the magnitude of my Heavenly Father. This fascination bewilders me. It so frustrates me that I can't explain why or how or what triggers this divine encounter, why going from end to end of a pool brings about such an awesome experience. Even running does not compare with what I feel when I swim, though I find great peace in that as well.
Despite these facts, I still love God best in the stillness.

Psalm 27:13-14

I seem to have so much to say as of late. The snow brings out a more reflective side of me, I suppose.

But today I am just so impressed by the goodness of God that I had to share my thoughts.

Last night, I was flipping through Psalms and my eyes came to rest on Psalm 27. Psalm 27 is one of my favorite Psalms, though I cannot articulate why. However, the last two verses of the Psalm arrested my attention:

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and take heart,
Wait for the Lord.

I have been worried about so much in the last few days, and that simple reminder was just what I needed to finally rest my mind. I am just in awe of how it speaks to my heart in ways that are inexplicable.

Today has brought so much relief and my mind keeps running back to those reassuring verses. God is so GOOD! As I reflect on the news that I have received and the beautiful snow, I just seem unable to think of anything else. Today has brought wonderful time to talk with friends, opportunity to finally get things done that have been long put off, and the reminder that I serve a powerful God - a God who invented the snow (something so small yet so amazing!). This week has undoubtedly been a lesson in faith and in reassurance and in the goodness of God. And God is good.

The Last Day of August

Today I learned something borderline heretical for most college students. In fact, I could have my membership to my own generation revoked for publishing this. The well kept secret: you don't have to have a nap to have a great day.

WOAH. I just blew your mind.

(take a minute to compose yourself before reading further, if necessary. I understand.)

Now you're asking yourself what kind of moron I am. I know; I was you just a few short days ago. It's not easy to have your entire worldview changed. But my day, though nap-less, was pretty amazing. I went to class, chapel, class as normal. Exhausted from staying up much too late for any student with a 7AM class. I ate the crappy lunch in the caf (which wasn't THAT bad, I suppose), came back to my room and facebooked a little. All very routine. I picked up my paycheck and paid some of my school bill, then set off for an oil change. Ugh. I hate cars and their expenses. The oil change is more than I anticipated BUT for $15 more, I could get my car all checked out and my tires rotated. I know that it's really a dumb idea to let the people at Firestone talk you into anything, but I said yes this time. With an hour and a half to kill, I walked across the parking lot to Starbucks, armed with about eight hours of reading to do (which remains mostly undone).
At this point, my day is still blah. I mean, I killed time with my overpriced and definitely way unhealthy frappé and read my overpriced and uninteresting books (well, book. I mostly read my Comp. book). Firestone called and told me that I really need to spend about $1,000 more dollars today doing necessary, but financially impossible, repairs. I politely declined, read some more and picked up my car.
I should have noticed at this point that my day was going better than I anticipated. I mean, you give a student a day with the potential for no nap time, and let's face it, it's practically hell. But at Starbucks I sampled the most delicious pumpkin spice frappé, and as I walked over to Firestone impeccably timed, I should have realized that this day was different. Special.
After paying an arm and a leg, I set off for the Y. I have recently started a couple fitness programs that motivate me to find a way to get there every other day. I'm running my first 5k race on 10-10-10, and I am participating in a challenge issued by a fitness blogger (see halfofjess.com). Basically for the challenge (Drop Dead Gorgeous By December or DDGBD) we set goals for ourselves and report weekly with our weight, picture of us with a positive sign, the goals, and a brag and thing to improve on. My goals are as follows:
1. Run a 25 minute 5k (or less)
My least unattainable goal at this point. But hopefully I'll get there.
2. Two sets of 15 lunges
Last week I could do two sets of 8. Now I'm at 10. I'm pretty confident on this one.
3. A 90 second plank
Last week I was at 20. Now I can do a 40 - albeit barely.
4. Make 5 new close friends
I wasn't involved last year and regretted it. This year I'm changing that.
But I digress. I ran at the Y W5D2 of the C25k program. It was rough. My first real training day since hurting the ankle, it was supposed to be run 8 min, walk 5, run 8. I did it, and ran, but I didn't get as good of a distance as I wanted. Well, I got the distance I just went over time on the second 8, which puts my at close to an 11 minute mile. Ugh. But I also got the worst lower back/side cramp during that, so the fact I ran was amazing in of itself. I'm learning about perseverance!
After my grueling work-out, I showered and read blogs for a while. Anne Jackson is releasing a book of essays that are awesome. She posted seven on seven diff blogs of people of know her. The first one is at donmilleris.com. I'd def encourage you to check it!
After spending way too much time on the computer and not enough studying (like 45 minutes) I headed over my boss' house to cook dinner. I made stuffed peppers, and they were delicious if I do say so myself. I love cooking and it was so good 1. to have a kitchen, and 2. to not eat caf food. Eating was so much fun too - it was me, a co-worker, my boss, and her husband and it was great to talk and laugh together. I love Christian community!
Next, I headed to a prayer meeting. I was so nervous because I knew virtually no one coming, but I went. Big step. A couple other people came and it was awesome. It was great to pray. Love it. I'm going to go weekly and I really hope the Spirit brings more people! Hearing them reminisce about past groups got my yearning for something similar. Again, it was so awesome to experience community.
We chatted for about a half hour before I realized how late it was. I headed back to good ol' Dennis Hall, and stopped on second. I have never spent that long just chilling in a girl's room on second! It was great to chill with people from a different floor and to laugh with them. Oh how funny they are! I also talked to a girl about getting involved with the CH Youth Group, something I feel the Spirit tugging on me about, but I am terrified to actually do. It's tomorrow. Oh boy. Pray, pray, pray.

Though my day may seem mundane and boring to you, I can't get past this overwhelming happiness and peace. Kudos if you read all that, and I hope your day is just as great.

Summer 2010

"There are mountains to be climbed, molehills to be laughed at, and milestones to be achieved. It’s vitally important to write down achievements, failures, and hilarious memories which mold us into the people who use our past as reference points for the future."
That's the beginning of Bianca Juarez's latest blog entry. As I read the post which outlined a mountain, molehill, and milestone in her life, I realized that I rarely take the time to outline those in my life. While not everything that might qualify for one of those categories can't be mentioned in this blog post, I think that August brings with it a good time for reflecting over the summer.

Mountain:

Lifeguarding - I was so worried and stressed about the class, and even more so about the actual job, but at the close of the summer the score was Tasha: 2.5 (one kid just needed an assist) vs. the bottom of the pool: 0. There were definitely some scary times - times when the water was cloudy or it was dark or there was the possibility of a storm - but overall it was very rewarding and completely worth the time and effort I put in. Duonna seemed pretty happy with the investment as well.

Molehill:

There were several molehills this summer. One was a particular email that got sent when it should've been forgotten. Another was a family matter that ruined a good surprise. While molehills have always been the best teacher, my philosophy remains that the lessons should be remembered and the specifics forgotten.


Milestone:

Definitely my two mile run in July. Twenty minutes. It felt amazing. I wish I could do it again - and I will! As soon as I can run on this ankle without putting it in danger of greater injury, I plan to push myself. I want to run a 5k this year, and hopefully be training for a half-marathon at this time next year. I want to lose some weight, gain some muscle, and mostly just be healthy. I'll post more specific goals later, but that gives you just a glimpse of my fitness dreams for the coming year!

Ramblings

Lately I've had a lot of stuff just circling around in my head. Here's a brief sampling of what's up:

-My foot is still bothering me. Although the swelling has gone down, it's still painful. My chiropractor, Kurt*, told me that there was a possibility that I'd rolled it, because some obscure bone was out of place.

-We're watching a lot of criminal shows at home lately. We've pretty well exhausted Criminal Minds and NCIS so we're onto Law and Order: SVU, but I did catch them watching Walker Texas Ranger earlier. Needless to say, I'm worried. If I have to hear that "the eyes of the ranger are upon you" again, I might take out the TV.

-My sister is seeing Twilight tonight. She's dead to me as soon as the movie begins. I really don't understand this vampire obsession teenagers in our society are exploring. And it's not limited to the teenagers! I remember being at camp when the books started coming out, and I thought they were weird then. That must have been when good taste was in.

-I really enjoyed my two-mile run last Friday. The sky was absolutely beautiful, and the way that it met the long, farm grass was absolutely divine. I've never seen such vivid colors. I never thought I'd say it, but it was definitely worth getting up before seven. I love a pretty Missouri, and listening to Francis Chan during the run was the icing on the cake.

-There's a commercial floating around about this awesome DVR that you can watch in any room. You record in the living room, watch in the bedroom, pause it and pick it up in the bathroom. I know I'm a girl, but why would you want to watch TV in the bathroom? I understand that sometimes that's just time you aren't getting back, but TV, really? I draw the line at a magazine.

-Conversely I truly enjoy the Geico commercial with the drill sergeant therapist. It's awesome, partially because I've wanted to say those things sometimes. I'm a semi-terrible person.

-I've decided to become a high school philosophy teacher, probably in an urban setting. That'd be awesome.

-I nearly forgot my new favorite video.



*Unfortunately my chiropractor is not named Kurt. But I feel like it should be.

Exhaustion

This weekend has redefined that word for me. After a long, tiring week (120 campers!), I drove the most beautiful 150 miles that I've seen in a while to get to Carthage for my cousin's wedding. It was beautiful. I wish Jess and Randy all the best (and Haidyn!) as they start their new life together. I also got to see my brother and sister-in-law at the wedding. They were the music. It's been a while, so it's always good to see each other and catch up. It was weird without Tina and Nat though. Only a few more weeks!
We left the wedding around ten, got out of town a bit before eleven, and got home a little after one. This morning I woke up at eight to help return a car with my father, and headed over to the Spiegels to baby-sit a 5, 3, and almost one year old. They were quite a handful, but fun. We went swimming for about an hour, which was quite a task. Of course the minute we got into the gate things got chaotic. It's safe to say that I'm not quite ready to be responsible for three kids 24/7. I got home, facebooked for a bit, and crashed. I was super tired and a little power nap did me a lot of good. I'm still more than a bit ready to crash, but now I can at least function. I just have a communion thought to prepare and I'm good to go. I'll postpone my run till the morning. I can barely move right now.
I talked to the youth group last week about the objections to the faith that claiming Jesus is the only way to God is intolerant and that a loving God wouldn't send people to an eternity of suffering. Naturally, hell is a hard topic to wrap our minds around, and the more that I turn it over in my mind, the more I see the urgency of our task. I've also made some good progress in J.P. Moreland'sThe God Question. Moreland makes several interesting points, and though dry, it's been a good read. I'll have to get moving if I want to get through my reading list!
That's basically what's on my plate these days. With a little more sleep, and a lot more prayer, I'll make it through to break. :)

An Attempt at Art

Lately I've been enjoying photography, and more specifically, editing the photos I take. Here are a view I took at home last weekend and during my run on Wednesday.