It's dramatic, but a lyric near that played at church today and really struck me. So I am stealing it to title the first blog post in a looonnnggg time. I am not sure anyone will even read this! I have been writing, but it is so hard to edit things that are recognizable out of stories, so they've been staying safe in my notebook.
Today was different. Today I needed to publish, if for no other reason than the ability to look back on this exact web page in five, ten, fifteen years.
I knew this year would be difficult. As soon as I got my class list, I started praying over my students intensely - especially one or two. As I page through my journal entries, I am struck by things like:
"Last week I commented to Sarah that I thought my emotions were broken. Tonight... it occurred to me that I have been operating in survival mode. There's so much in my students' lives that I can't fix." (from an entry dated 12/6)
"I've spent a lot of time dreading 26. I even joked I was skipping my birthday this year. I think it's because my life is so different than what I imagined/expected it would be like - single, childless, working 2 jobs, thoroughly obsessed with my dog. But today I made I joke that I was re-doing 25 and it hit me. 25 was a hard year. I have struggled mightily with so much this year - relationships, boundaries, career challenges, restlessness. There have been incredible highs - deaning Middler for the first time - but some pretty steep valleys as well...It was a hard, hard year. But it was also a growing year. In the midst of hurt and pain - those times of total shatter - God is willing and able to make something abundantly more beautiful, joyful, and life-filled." (from an entry dated 12/22)
"It's been a month of challenge and seeing all the places I need to surrender to Jesus, but it's also been an incredible month of journeying to and pursuing the God that is everlasting and restores all things. I see his faithfulness in everything, especially his timing." (from an entry dated 1/18).
"But this year, as I read over these passages (Luke 22:39-46 and Hebrews 4:14-16) in preparation for Easter, I find myself feeling, so keenly, the words. I can imagine the anguish. Although I (obviously) have never faced anything remotely similar to what Jesus was facing, I have felt the pangs of praying earnestly, longing for God to show up, waiting desperately for a sign, and being bitterly disappointed to only find silence... I need that great High Priest. One who understands and sympathizes rather than constantly measuring and finding me wanting. I need that Savior. I need Him on days when my temper is short. I need Him on days when my finances run dry. I need Him on days when I wonder when my life will "start." I need Him as I face uncertainty after uncertainty when all that is sure in this world is sin and pain." (an entry dated 4/7).
So there's your frame of reference for the past few months. Honestly, I feel like I am constantly reflecting on God's faithfulness (in my thoughts, in previous entries on this blog, etc). As May starts to come into view, I can't help but rejoice in that faithfulness. As hard as this year has been - for a variety of reasons - it could have been so much worse without God, without His preparation.
I came across a quote in my devotions that read "Mountain tops inspire us, but valleys mature us." I have had mountain tops this year, but oh how the valleys have changed me!
I think about how a very uncomfortable situation last summer led me to seek counseling from a local pastor. He recommended a book that changed my life! (Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life - Henry Cloud) It enabled me to see better boundaries in that particular situation and radically grew my ability to see and implement healthy boundaries across the board: in relationships, in work-related responsibilities, in finances.
That situation taught me that responsibility is not putting up with all difficulties in the interest of preserving peace or relationship or a short time frame. Responsibility is being wise about what you say yes to.
As uncomfortable as last summer was, it was invaluable in preparing me - or helping me - to seek the right preparation for this year.
As I've learned to say no and set boundaries at work, I have re-discovered myself - my passions, my voice, the things I truly enjoy, besides being a teacher or a camp worker. As I have made time for other things, I have found moments of true and perfect peace, reveling in God and His creation and how God created me.
I have learned bravery and contentment, even in the midst of uncertainty and restlessness. I've learned to listen for the Holy Spirit by abiding in and memorizing Scripture (a lesson I have a feeling I will re-learn time and again).
As I look ahead into this summer, I am overwhelming excited. Not only is it the season of many of my favorite things : camp, fresh-starts, adventures, tans, flip-flops, playing outside, free time, swimming, grilling out; now I also see it as a time of great preparation. God was faithful as He prepared me last year. What will this year bring?
"When we are who we are called to be, we will set the world ablaze."
-St. Catherine of Siena
And just FYI - I love my class this year. They have been a challenge, but they are some of the sweetest and loving-est children I have ever had the joy to work with. They always make my laugh and smile, and they truly are gems.
