We are officially half-way through the summer and this week was the roughest yet. It was a test of so many different parts of my character and commitment, and unfortunately I don't think that I always came through with flying colors. But I am still forgiven. I'm still redeemed. I'm growing, and that's the important thing.
One night I went down to the campfire after the kids (despite the coyotes the campers assured me were there), and I thought about how I often think about how far I've fallen from where I want to be, and how great God's grace is for me. While these things are true and important, the cross is more important. God's holiness is still important, His justice and righteousness. God has so many more traits than we can possibly grasp at once, and so I often tend to focus on one or two traits I like, and I get stuck there for a while. Then I have these campfire moments where I encounter more of God, a different side, and I become fixated on that. So I guess my question tonight is this: how do I not fixate? How do I know?
A couple nights later, I was down there again. There is one thing that I so badly want, and I can't sense an answer on God's part (which probably means wait - something I'm not so good at). This week this issue has been especially on my mind, and I've had several dreams about it, and I so badly want to read something into those dreams. I yearn for their contents to be true. As I sat at the campfire this second time, I told God all this. I mean, He knew, but as I've been attempting to give it to Him and then snatching it back, it's dawned on me that I can be completely honest. He knows me, He knows I'm fallen, He knows I'm striving. There's no reason to hide my feelings. I cry out for His help, and He responds, in the moment, for the moment. I'm learning more and more that He will sustain me in any and every way, which is cool, but frightening for sure.
So much is going on right now that is emotionally exhausting and confusing. I just want to hit pause or fast forward or stop and switch out some characters or change the movie entirely sometimes. But I really wouldn't trade my life for any other. I love my family and my friends and my job, and as young as I am, I realize that too few people say that and really mean it. I have a glorious God to serve, and I have everything I need. Of course I have some preconceived notions of what I want for my life, but ultimately I'll be happy to follow my Creator and Redeemer wherever He wants me, including into a high-risk high school to teach philosophy (my new ambition. Of course I'll bring my cap gun. I don't wanna get knifed!...). But right now my sister and future brother-in-law are doing a photo-shoot for the birthday girl, and I need to be in real life, not blog world.
