There is nothing about me that makes me any better than the crowd. There is nothing about me that makes me special. But it seems like ever since I took my first breath, everyone in my world has always made me want to believe that I am something special, something different. Parents, teachers, friends even. But the honest to goodness truth is that I'm not.
I don't think this phenomenon is limited to me (although if it were, I suppose I would be special). The more that I interact with people, the more I believe that we are becoming a disgustingly narcissistic people. I see it in the stupid arguments at grocery stores, in the entitled attitudes of the people I work for or with, even (especially) in myself. If you have a pulse, you believe that you are right and that you are the most important thing in the universe.
Don't feel bad, we all do it at one point or another. Of course that doesn't make it right. See, nothing kills friendship faster than one person elevating themselves over the others. This is even more deadly in community (the current buzzword of any "relevant" Christian today). If you have a group of believers that are committed to building each other up, nothing can rip that group apart faster than introducing a diva - except maybe introducing two. Even in mature communities, it can cause ripples of dissension.
Forgive that side tangent.
The point is that any sort of narcissism - no matter how minor - is incompatible with the call of Christ. Time and time again in Scripture, we're told to die to ourselves, to elevate others, to love above all else. We're called to rid ourselves of the fleshly selfishness that rules our lives and to be set free for the sake of freedom - for the sake of discipleship and true glorification. It is such a paradox - to die to self in order to be truly glorified.
See, although we are far from special we're each called. Isn't that a glorious mystery? Although God did not make me any better than anyone else, He has called me differently and He has equipped me differently. It's nothing that I have done, but it's truly by the virtue of His grace and His extravagant love. In 2 Timothy, Paul says that we're saved and called not because of what we do but because of His own purpose and grace. The more I turn it over in my head, the more I realize how disgusting and worthless I am without Christ. Yet I have been chosen. You have been chosen. Each of us has been chosen! How much greater it is to be chosen by Christ for Christ than to be special by earthly measure!
As I've realized this truth, it has changed me some. Interestingly, it has made me quieter. Ask anyone who knew me as a child, and they'll gladly tell you that I never shut up. I heard that "empty wagons make the most noise" and that it's "better to leave your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and give them no doubt" once or twice... But lately, I find myself glad to be silent. Because I don't have something special to say most times. I'd rather listen, honestly. Now, I still can get pretty chatty sometimes. But I don't have to open my mouth and prove anything to anyone. I don't have to prove that I am smart or witty or have a better ministry or calling or relationship with God. Because, in all honesty, there are smarter and wittier people. And why on earth would I want to make anyone envious of my calling or ministry or intimacy with God? My calling is unique to me, and God has prepared me for it. He's not using me as some sort of role model or example to anyone through this. He is simply preparing me.
Today the coolest thing happened. I was running late to a coffee date with some friends, and I didn't really know which Starbucks it was at (I went to about three). On my way to the first one, before I realized that I had gotten off at the wrong exit, there was a homeless man asking for money. I wrestle a lot with the concept of giving homeless people straight cash (which I actually usually don't carry) but today I had a $5 bill. I waved him over, but the light turned green as he got to me so all I could do was hand him the money and apologize for driving off so quickly (I don't really know what else I would say, but I felt bad still). I drove down the street a little and realized I needed to turn around. Then I saw him, the same homeless man, walking out of a restaurant holding a bag of food. It made my day. And as I got back on the highway, I couldn't help but think that God had ordained that little detour so that I could be a part of something really cool. I got to buy that man lunch. I got to see God glorified.
I know that might be a silly example but it is these little moments that make me sure that God has something chosen for me. He had chosen me to work in the man's life today. He had prepared me. I never carry cash, and rarely do I have a five dollar bill. I know it's nothing grand or incredible, but these moments where I see the instant pay off are what keep me in the game. Truth be told, ever since I realized that God's chosen my future (I say it lightly, but I realize the implications - so far as I can, and I wouldn't let anyone else choose it), I've gotten a little lazy. It's remarkably easy to kick back and do nothing but say that God's got it covered. But in these moments of small gratification, I'm reminded to keep pursuing Him and to pursue what He has for me. It's a little kick back in the game - a little taste to keep me going. You see, salvation is not the end of the spiritual journey and growth, but the beginning. I think too often we forget that God is not satisfied with the life that's left in the baptistery. Sure, He wants people to be baptized and saved, but only so that they can follow Christ. Salvation is the means to the end - the glorification of God.
See, I'm nothing special. But He is.
