As I was walking out of chapel that thought occurred to me. I wish it was a thought I focused on more often. I mean, I really do have a lot - A LOT - to be grateful for. My life may not fit into a category or anyone else's vision of happiness or success, but I am happy. I do feel successful - more than that - fulfilled! I know that this is where God's wants me right now and that He's preparing me to do things that matter. And it doesn't even have to fit anyone else's view of something influential or even worth the time. I know that God is weaving together my passions and His heart, that His plan for me is going to blow my mind. I just have this great feeling that I'm standing on the edge, about to leap into something wonderful: my future. I've never felt this way before and that's the most exciting part, I think.
As hard as some things have been, I'm starting to see how they're going to play into my future. I'm already learning so much from them, even though it's nothing that's actually been resolved fully. Like one situation, where I'm realizing how important surrender truly is. It's really been testing my submission and relinquishment. But it's so awesome!
I've been trying to spend a lot of time in prayer lately, about an hour a day. And boy, does it fly by. It takes me a while to actually get motivated to do it, but I love it and I'm starting to look forward to it. It doesn't get much better. I've been doing a lot of reading on prayer this semester, and it all has a direct influence on the way I pray. The most insightful thing (from last Tuesday...too much insight to pinpoint one overall "most insightful thing") was from Kyle Lake's book, [Re] Understanding Prayer. He was talking about how often we get caught up in "prayer lingo" and use cliches that are wonderful expressions, but really don't mean anything anymore, because we use them without thinking about what we are really trying to say. So he suggests that we avoid them and say what we mean. What do I actually want to happen when I pray that God will bless someone? It's really challenged me, but it's allowed me to be so much more real with God and more aware of my prayers.
Another related thing to that is that I've been reminded - nearly constantly- this week that God loves me. Not just the cliche "Jesus loves you, He loves everyone, and wants you to have the best life you can have." That's true and good and all, but I'm talking about deep, passionate, new bride love. This started really with Sunday's sermon. Since the Honduras team was delayed overnight in Houston, we used a video sermon by Francis Chan, When Sin Looks More Enjoyable Than God (I've linked it - Great sermon!). He really hit on the idea of God's lavish love for us, citing Jeremiah 2 and 3, as well as James 1:13-18 or so. Basically the idea was that sin may look better, but ultimately it will lead to nothing. He talks about God's great love (the Jeremiah passages speak to this) and how the saddest part of temptation/sin is that we choose it over God. The love, though, that he described was incredible. I've never thought it through a whole lot, but he used the illustration of a marriage that he had recently performed. The lady was older and had a 28 year old daughter with the mentality of a six year old. All throughout their engagement, she would ask, "why me? I have wrinkles, I have a daughter, it's going to be hard..." And he would always reaffirm his love and commitment to her. During the ceremony, after exchanging rings with the bride, he turned his attention to the daughter. He presented her with a ring as well, a symbol of his commitment as a father. This 6 year old, trapped in a 28 year old body, lost it. She couldn't believe that he loved her, and she ran up on stage and wrapped her arms around him, shouting "you love me, you love me, you love me!" What a perfect way to look at God. He's presented me with the opportunity to be his child, to love him and be with him forever. And the more I reflect on it, the more I just want to talk about it. Oh God, you love me, you love me, you love me. It doesn't matter why or how, he does. That's just all there is to it, and I am overwhelmed by it. Simply overwhelmed. And what's more is that I just want to be in love with Him!!! I want to love what he does, I want to talk like he would, I want to do the things He did, I want to go where He is. It reminds me of when I was a little girl and I would get dressed in my Dad's shirts and shoes and walk around. I've always wanted to be Daddy's girl, to be just like him, and that's translated into my relationship with God as I think about His love.
Speaking of my Dad, the Honduras Team made it back! They were about 20 hours later than we expected, but it was so great to see them! I nearly cried in the airport - not that I'd let anyone see me cry. It seemed silly. The same tears would leak out anytime I read the blog of the great ways God was using them! I was so proud of all of them, especially my Mom and Anna. It was just amazing. I'm so glad they went, but I'm happy they're back. It was weird to not have them in the country, not to be able just to call or text if I had a question or wanted to tell them something. I got to talk to them on the phone once, and Anna used my Mom's fb to chat with me as well. The entire trip is just such an incredible testimony to God's faithfulness!
Speaking of faithfulness and God's provision, an incredible opportunity came up through the school and my Christian service. I volunteer at an after-school tutoring place affiliated with College Heights. The school apparently gets a certain amount of money each year to go towards work-study and they had no one to give it to - the person who gets it must tutor in the community. My name came up, through the lady who manages the the tutoring place, and I got a call that the Federal gov would pay me, through OCC, to tutor! It's minimum wage, but it goes straight to my unsubsidized student loans! And, because Ozark has to use the money, I'm actually doing them a favor. I get to hang out with the kids and help them, rip off the Feds, and help OCC all in one activity!
I also wanted to share a new blog I found that's been consuming my time. It's quite amusing, actually. It's stuffchristianslike.net, by Jonathan Acuff. He has a book of the same title. You should probably check it out.
The only other big news item is this: The Hondurans know what they're doing when the make coffee. Delicious. Tina better buy it in bulk this summer.
