A Disclaimer on Yesterday's Post

Normally I wouldn't publish a post like yesterday's. I hate to so obviously share such emotions, such discontent. I was never the girl who posted her inmost feelings on Xanga- I had one post that was a little too real and I deleted it. I don't like to hurt people's feelings. I don't like to have people worry about me. Most of all, I don't like to make mistakes.

To a certain extent, I realize that's healthy. But I go beyond healthy. I'm terribly overcautious, unrealistic. I want to have a life unmarred by bad choices, but that will never happen. I'm human and fallen and I need Jesus.

My anger has all but disappated. I'm still a little irritated at my back and hip, but that's normal. I spent entirely too much on the phone with people very dear to me, and that brought me out of the rut I was slipping in to. When I say "too much," I only mean by the standards of the term paper that I should be writing. It was good for me to listen to the worlds that are so far from me, to know what they are experiencing. I was so wrapped up in me it was impossible to be content. I'm so glad I serve a God who kicks my butt sometimes!

Angry.

For some reason, today I am angry. There's just no way around it. Things that ordinarily might not make me especially happy annoy me, and things that on an ordinary day truly would irritate me are blown out of proportion. Even spell checker is on my bad side right now.

And I hate this feeling. I hate the discontentment and apathy it inevitably gives way to. I think that it's okay to be angry and to have strong emotions, but I often end up bottling them up until a day like today hits. Then I still bottle it up, but I don't hide that I'm irritated. My poor roommate has probably suffered the most from this. I mean, I haven't been intentionally unkind or catty, but I know I'm being distant.

This has been getting progressively worse throughout the weekend. And I know it has something to do with my back going out and the excruciating, constant pain that accompanies that for the first few days. But I don't think that's all, or even the main thing. I'm tired of people imposing their views and expectations for my life, and tired of waiting to really start my life. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing enough, not doing my part. And yes, there are things that I need to step up and take action for, but I've had a few doors shut lately, and I'm not good at dealing with that.

More than anything, I'm angry because what I want most isn't a part of God's plan for my life right now. At least, as far as I know. And what makes it worse is that it would make perfect sense.
So that's my angry rant for today. I'm sure things will start to feel better eventually.

News

I am an incredibly blessed young lady.

As I was walking out of chapel that thought occurred to me. I wish it was a thought I focused on more often. I mean, I really do have a lot - A LOT - to be grateful for. My life may not fit into a category or anyone else's vision of happiness or success, but I am happy. I do feel successful - more than that - fulfilled! I know that this is where God's wants me right now and that He's preparing me to do things that matter. And it doesn't even have to fit anyone else's view of something influential or even worth the time. I know that God is weaving together my passions and His heart, that His plan for me is going to blow my mind. I just have this great feeling that I'm standing on the edge, about to leap into something wonderful: my future. I've never felt this way before and that's the most exciting part, I think.

As hard as some things have been, I'm starting to see how they're going to play into my future. I'm already learning so much from them, even though it's nothing that's actually been resolved fully. Like one situation, where I'm realizing how important surrender truly is. It's really been testing my submission and relinquishment. But it's so awesome!

I've been trying to spend a lot of time in prayer lately, about an hour a day. And boy, does it fly by. It takes me a while to actually get motivated to do it, but I love it and I'm starting to look forward to it. It doesn't get much better. I've been doing a lot of reading on prayer this semester, and it all has a direct influence on the way I pray. The most insightful thing (from last Tuesday...too much insight to pinpoint one overall "most insightful thing") was from Kyle Lake's book, [Re] Understanding Prayer. He was talking about how often we get caught up in "prayer lingo" and use cliches that are wonderful expressions, but really don't mean anything anymore, because we use them without thinking about what we are really trying to say. So he suggests that we avoid them and say what we mean. What do I actually want to happen when I pray that God will bless someone? It's really challenged me, but it's allowed me to be so much more real with God and more aware of my prayers.

Another related thing to that is that I've been reminded - nearly constantly- this week that God loves me. Not just the cliche "Jesus loves you, He loves everyone, and wants you to have the best life you can have." That's true and good and all, but I'm talking about deep, passionate, new bride love. This started really with Sunday's sermon. Since the Honduras team was delayed overnight in Houston, we used a video sermon by Francis Chan, When Sin Looks More Enjoyable Than God (I've linked it - Great sermon!). He really hit on the idea of God's lavish love for us, citing Jeremiah 2 and 3, as well as James 1:13-18 or so. Basically the idea was that sin may look better, but ultimately it will lead to nothing. He talks about God's great love (the Jeremiah passages speak to this) and how the saddest part of temptation/sin is that we choose it over God. The love, though, that he described was incredible. I've never thought it through a whole lot, but he used the illustration of a marriage that he had recently performed. The lady was older and had a 28 year old daughter with the mentality of a six year old. All throughout their engagement, she would ask, "why me? I have wrinkles, I have a daughter, it's going to be hard..." And he would always reaffirm his love and commitment to her. During the ceremony, after exchanging rings with the bride, he turned his attention to the daughter. He presented her with a ring as well, a symbol of his commitment as a father. This 6 year old, trapped in a 28 year old body, lost it. She couldn't believe that he loved her, and she ran up on stage and wrapped her arms around him, shouting "you love me, you love me, you love me!" What a perfect way to look at God. He's presented me with the opportunity to be his child, to love him and be with him forever. And the more I reflect on it, the more I just want to talk about it. Oh God, you love me, you love me, you love me. It doesn't matter why or how, he does. That's just all there is to it, and I am overwhelmed by it. Simply overwhelmed. And what's more is that I just want to be in love with Him!!! I want to love what he does, I want to talk like he would, I want to do the things He did, I want to go where He is. It reminds me of when I was a little girl and I would get dressed in my Dad's shirts and shoes and walk around. I've always wanted to be Daddy's girl, to be just like him, and that's translated into my relationship with God as I think about His love.

Speaking of my Dad, the Honduras Team made it back! They were about 20 hours later than we expected, but it was so great to see them! I nearly cried in the airport - not that I'd let anyone see me cry. It seemed silly. The same tears would leak out anytime I read the blog of the great ways God was using them! I was so proud of all of them, especially my Mom and Anna. It was just amazing. I'm so glad they went, but I'm happy they're back. It was weird to not have them in the country, not to be able just to call or text if I had a question or wanted to tell them something. I got to talk to them on the phone once, and Anna used my Mom's fb to chat with me as well. The entire trip is just such an incredible testimony to God's faithfulness!

Speaking of faithfulness and God's provision, an incredible opportunity came up through the school and my Christian service. I volunteer at an after-school tutoring place affiliated with College Heights. The school apparently gets a certain amount of money each year to go towards work-study and they had no one to give it to - the person who gets it must tutor in the community. My name came up, through the lady who manages the the tutoring place, and I got a call that the Federal gov would pay me, through OCC, to tutor! It's minimum wage, but it goes straight to my unsubsidized student loans! And, because Ozark has to use the money, I'm actually doing them a favor. I get to hang out with the kids and help them, rip off the Feds, and help OCC all in one activity!

I also wanted to share a new blog I found that's been consuming my time. It's quite amusing, actually. It's stuffchristianslike.net, by Jonathan Acuff. He has a book of the same title. You should probably check it out.

The only other big news item is this: The Hondurans know what they're doing when the make coffee. Delicious. Tina better buy it in bulk this summer.

Letting Go of My Dreams

Today I realized that there are dreams that I have to let go of. Things that I have to surrender to God that I simply am not ready to. I want to give my all to God, but I have so much that I want for my life too. I realized tonight, as I was wrestling with God, that if His grace isn't enough, my faith isn't worth anything. If I can't surrender my all to God - even my deepest and most cherished dream - what good is it to sing songs and pray prayers like 'Take My Life' and 'From the Inside Out'? While I didn't make any definitive list of things I need to give up, or how exactly I'm going to, I do know this: everyday I have to submit my will to God wholly. There can be no retreats, no reserves, and no regrets. Because ultimately His plan for my life is much better than anything I could ever - in my wildest dreams - imagine.

Easter > Christmas

I hope I never grow out of Easter.

All my life, Easter has been a purely magical day. Not because I believed in the Easter bunny and all that fantasy junk, but because of everything the day is. I've always loved the preparation that goes into make this day so different from every other Sunday. The new Easter dress-complete with matching gloves, hat, and purse-getting to eat candy all day long, a big dinner, the generally joyful atmosphere. In fact, my feelings very much echo a book from my childhood, The Best Thing About Easter. In the book a little girl talks about all the things she loves about easter-decorating eggs, easter egg hunts, eating candy, bunnies and duckies, and getting all dressed up, but after describing each of these, makes the statement "but that's not the very best thing about easter..." until she gets to Jesus. When she talks about the crucifixion and resurrection, she comes to this conclusion: "I'm glad Jesus loves me! I'm really, really glad, aren't you?"

I am glad! So very glad! To me, the best part of waking up Easter morning has nothing to do with the Easter baskets my Mom continues to make (which, of course, I love!). It's this great, joyful feeling that bubbles out-Jesus is ALIVE! He's risen from the dead! Hallelujah! I know that Jesus wasn't really dead at all during the time I've lived. But for some reason, Good Friday always leaves me feeling a little like He has. And I think that's okay. I rejoice that I can read the accounts of the crucifixion and cry, that my heart can still-after hearing this for 19 years-be moved by the things my Savior endured. But I don't read it with a completely broken heart because I know that Jesus gladly went to the Cross, that I may have life and have it to the full! I am ashamed that He had to, but I am so very glad He did! What a wonderful Savior!

Easter has ALWAYS been my favorite holiday, and like I earlier wrote, I hope to never "outgrow" it. I think that it's okay to still get so excited for it, to still yearn for Easter morning, because although it may be childish, that's the faith we're called to. I think that the most beautiful thing I can ever aspire to be is a child of God. That's not to say that we stop growing and seeking maturity, but there's something admirable in a child-like faith, something astounding in a faith that can defend itself yet maintains the joy and intimacy and confidence of a Father/child relationship. The more I study prayer, the more convinced I am that it is the relationship God yearns for with us.

I digress. The point is, in my eyes, Easter beats out Christmas. Because if Jesus hadn't gone to the Cross and endured the death He did, our sins could not have been atoned for. And if He hadn't risen again, it'd still be meaningless. If Jesus didn't do the work He came for-if he didn't drink the cup that the Father placed in front of Him- even Christmas would lose its meaning. What would we celebrate? I mean, I guess we could possibly still celebrate something, but it would be far, far different. And the only Christmas worth celebrating is the one that finds its greatest meaning in Easter-in the death and resurrection of the Savior.

So thank God my Redeemer LIVES!

The Last Day of Freedom

Things just never quite turn out to be as I expect them. Sometimes my expectations are too high, sometimes my low. And sometimes my expectations are neither too high nor too low, but just entirely different from reality. I don't think that I'm unique in this, but I do know that if my expectations were always perfectly met, my life would be entirely different and much less of an adventure. And I do love adventures.

Clearly I digress. But with this groundwork laid, it's easy to guess that my spring break wasn't what I expected in a lot of ways:

-help Dad with church/mission trip stuff

YES. I spent almost the entire week filing papers, both for the church and for him. I went through nearly two years of bank statements, financial records, insurance documents, and just about everything else. The church's filing system hadn't been updated since about 2007! It was quite a project. I did some preparation stuff for the Honduras trip, but I was largely focused on secretarial work.

-coffee with a friend I haven't seen in a few years.

Sadly, no.

-hanging out with a guy I graduated high school with.

Yes.

-lots of reading and relaxing and SLEEP!

Eh-I did a little reading (finished one book), it was relatively relaxing, and I got a decent amount of sleep.

-How I Met Your Mother season four MARATHON

Well, I got through disc one. So pathetic, I know.

-JOHN MAYER CONCERT with one of the most amazing people ever!

ABSOLUTELY. It was so good it was just about life-changing. I am addicted to his music to a point where it is greatly unhealthy. But I'm working through it...

All of this stuff was great. Even though I wasn't necessarily doing a lot of "evangelism" work, it was great to get stuff done that would enable my Dad and the Church to focus more on ministry. By getting the paperwork out of the way, I freed a LOT of time. And the week wasn't at all a slow week like I expected, but it wasn't overwhelming either. I felt very productive. Not only did I get to do the things listed above, I also got to:

-Go on a couple of GREAT runs and a couple of okay walks with Jack (he's NOT a good walking dog...)

-Have coffee and catch up with a dear friend from high school.

-Clean and cook! I only enjoyed the cleaning part because I knew that it'd make the mother happier... :)

-Clean the church twice. Not the most fun thing in the world, but it goes back to serving where I can so that others can minister.

-Have a sleepover with a dear friend from school and drive her to/from the airport.

-Have an incredible discussion with some guys at the high school I attended. My first "Bible fight."

-Run errands for my Dad.

-See a great theatre production that made me just so proud of my little underclassmen.

-Brunch with two precious girls, one of whom I hadn't seen since May and is now planning a wedding!

-Shopping with my Mom.

The week turned out to be totally different, and in some ways better, than what I anticipated. I feel like I actually grew during this time, and I keep learning so much about prayer! I read Adventures in Prayer by Catherine Marshall and it was so awesome. The best thing I learned from that was the Prayer of Relinquishment, which I think is the most liberating thing for a Christian! I'm honestly not ready to go back to Ozark in a lot of ways-I feel like there's so much I could do here! In other ways, though, I'm ready to go back and get back into the routine of things. But I'm going to thoroughly enjoy my last night of freedom regardless.

The Foolishness of Man, the Wisdom of God

The thing about being home is that I suddenly live in a preacher's house again. Which means that in the event of something happening to prevent the scheduled person from performing such and such a duty, I become immediately susceptible to becoming a fill in. Normally, not a big deal. Except in the event of communion.

The last (and first) time I prepared a communion thought, I thought I had a pretty good basis going in. I worked super hard on it during the week before the service and practiced it a good amount. Come Sunday morning, I was terribly nervous and I don't think I communicated anything effectively. It was a train-wreck, at least from my perspective. I was very shaken up and vowed to never do it again.

Which brings us to about eleven this morning, when my father walks in the room and asks me to prepare a thought. I immediately told him what a terrible idea I thought that was, given the last time, but he said that he didn't remember it being that bad. I told him that if no one else was available, I would, but I really wasn't comfortable with it. He couldn't find anyone else on such short notice, so I'm spending my Saturday evening praying and writing, writing and praying. I'm a little more confident, as of this moment, but I remain terribly nervous about tomorrow. At least if it goes badly this time I never have to do it again!

This is the thought I've prepared, as of 9:31 CST, Saturday night.

The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God. As the Scriptures say,

“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise
and discard the intelligence of the intelligent.”[e]

So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the world’s brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish. Since God in his wisdom saw to it that the world would never know him through human wisdom, he has used our foolish preaching to save those who believe. It is foolish to the Jews, who ask for signs from heaven. And it is foolish to the Greeks, who seek human wisdom. So when we preach that Christ was crucified, the Jews are offended and the Gentiles say it’s all nonsense. But to those called by God to salvation, both Jews and Gentiles,[f] Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God. This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God’s weakness is stronger than the greatest of human strength.

1 Corinthians 1:18-25

This semester, I’ve been learning about the reasonable-ness of our faith, particularly in one class. The more that the professor talks about the archeological and historical and philosophical evidence for the hope that we have, the more amazed I become at the God we serve. He’s given us such compelling evidence so that we can reasonably put all our hope in Him! It seems like everyday, more and more historical Biblical records are proven true by archeological discoveries and the Bible has been proven time and again to be the most reliable book of antiquity. There is an astonishing foundation for the faith that we hold and the more I discover that, the more I am amazed at the wisdom of God. I truly believe that anyone who approaches the claims of Christianity with an open-mind and investigates thoroughly all that we believe will only find that Christianity is legit.

There’s one event that has captivated everyone’s mind since its occurrence-one event that causes all of it’s hearers to do a double-take: the death and resurrection of Christ. Thousands of theories have developed regarding our Savior and the work that he came to do, some even crazier than the truth-at least to those of us who know the truth. Looking from the outside in, it’s no surprise that they see this as foolishness. It goes against everything ingrained in the flesh to imagine that a perfect man would willingly endure the most humiliating and painful death possible and it’s just crazy to imagine the same man rising from the dead three days later and ascending to heaven forty days after that-all for the sake of reconciling people to God, people who frankly, were quite unimpressive. But to us who have seen the truth and accepted it, to those of us called by God to salvation, that very event is the power and wisdom of God. It’s truly the best thing that God has done for us, to reconcile us to Him and draw us into His presence, so that we can approach Him confidently as our Father. The cross, the terrible and humiliating death, the one so scorned by the ancient world, so painful, has made us right with a God who desperately loved us but couldn’t bear the sin that we’d chosen. The cross, which seems so foolish to men, is the most amazing and beautiful thing God ever did. This death that serves as a stumbling block to many was the most perfect demonstration of God’s love for his creation.

Let’s pray:

Heavenly Father-

How strange it is to us that such a terrible thing would become a glorious one! How strange it is that One so perfect and holy would leave heaven just for our sakes. Jesus, as crazy as we think it is, we are so thankful for your sacrifice. Lord, remind us of the strange wonder of Your cross. Remind us of your love for us and the life you laid down. Teach us to appreciate your sacrifice more and more each day and reveal a little more of our your love to us. Teach us to love you as you have loved us.

In your precious, holy name, Amen.