As of late I have noticed a rather troubling trend. It is nothing new, not some crazy fad that will be outdated and forgotten by next week; rather this is a prolific disease that has long been infecting human kind. Perhaps my sensitivity to this ailment has been heightened, or perhaps I am more often exposed to this consuming fire. Perhaps it is something we grow into. The reason for which this issue lies so heavily on my heart remains unknown. The truth about the matter, though, is as unpleasant as starring at oneself in mirror which highlights only the flaws one has.
The issue of which I am speaking is this rampant selfishness that I sense consuming not only my life, but the lives of those around me. Perhaps it is because I am now employed by a retail store that screams "BUY BUY BUY," surrounded by people all too willing to oblige. Frankly I find that to be a great source of temptation to me. But I see it not only in myself. I do not say this to be hypocritical or quick to judge. I do not say it to judge anyone, I suppose, because I am so ugly in my own selfishness. Rather, I say it mournfully. I wish this were not so! I wish that we could see faces or names or tears that our selfishness causes. I wish that their pain could become our reality. We who are blessed so abundantly, yet complain so quickly, we who are increasingly dulled to the screams of those who suffer, we who are so quick to "defend" the weak, yet so unwilling to become like them. We scream for justice and provision in the comfort of our multi-thousand dollar homes, surrounded by hundreds of dollars of things that we cannot "live without." I sense a great irony in that.
That is not to say that I am against spending money for entertainment purpose, or for the purpose of procuring nice, lasting things. On the contrary, I believe that our investments should be wise. I am not against relaxation or entertainment in general. I am not against standing up for the rights of the oppressed or standing up for your own needs. On the contrary, these things are good and healthy and have a place. But, Christian, you and I know a great secret which should revolutionize the way that we think, act, and invest. It should change the way that we step out of bed each morning and the way that we interact with every person who crosses our path. Need I remind you?
Christian, Jesus is ALIVE
I wish the impact of that simple statement had the same effect on me as it did on the apostles, or the first Christians, or the martyrs. I wish that statement was less of a cliche and more of a praise-inducing cry. And, yes, I am joyful and grateful and I know the importance of the resurrection. I praise God for it. Yet I have this recurring feeling that I should be more. It should shake me to my core to serve a God so great that He sent His Son to die and then to be raised and seated at His right hand. Hallelujah! And though a chill passes through my body and a smile creeps onto my lips as those words appear on my computer screen, I can't help but feel that I will never truly appreciate the magnitude that sentence expresses.
I feel this manifested in no greater way than in my selfishness. Yet I am at a loss as to how to proceed. I have identified the sin, yet I cannot remove it. I know that each day will be a war against my self, a crucifixion of sorts, yet this cognitive knowledge makes it no further. It does not change my heart. But, oh, I wish it would. I pray that God would chisel that part of me away, would teach my unwilling flesh obedience. But I rejoice that "no sky contains, no doubt restrains all You are, the greatness of our God. I spend my life to know, and I'm far from close to all You are, the greatness of our God." For I know that is a God who can change me.

Give me eyes to see more of who You are.
May what I behold still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known and break it all apart.
For You, my God, are greater still.


Give me grace to see beyond this moment here,
To believe that there is nothing left to fear,
that You alone are high above it all,
For You, my God, are greater still.

-Hillsong, "The Greatness of our God." A Beautiful Exchange, 2010.

Tension

Something that I vaguely alluded to in my last post in this growing discontentment that I'm experiencing. I know what's causing it, but I don't know how to fix it. I'm stuck in a place where I know I'm not happy, per se, but I don't know what or how I need to change.
One thing that I'm struggling with is the idea of a calling. Since I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was teach. Now that I'm starring that in the face, I'm hesitating for some reason. In large part, I believe this has to do with the amount of school I'd have to complete to achieve said degree. I'm so tired of going to school that five more years feels like an eternity. I find myself asking all too frequently, "is this really worth it?" Is it worth the thousands of dollars of debt I'm racking up? Is it worth prolonging this season? That's the tension I'm living in right now.
Of course, there are other contributing factors. I've been trying to get involved with a local youth group, and it hasn't worked out like I want. Over the summer I did some stuff with the girls at my home church and enjoyed it, but with this youth group I feel like just a warm body. It feels very clique-y and I honestly don't feel necessary. I'm not making a difference and that fuels this discontentment. I'm not very good at initiating relationships, especially when so many have already been established. I really don't enjoy it, but I so enjoyed teaching the girls from home. I don't know what to do. Do I stay involved, hoping that when I am allowed to lead a group these things change? Do I find another ministry and abandon this idea totally? I'm very unsure.
I know I'm passionate about helping people live the life God's called them to, I'm passionate about changing the way people think and apologetics. I love my personal evangelism class, and have recently become rather enamored with the writing of Don Miller I like speaking publicly (to some extent) and I love to exegete. For these reasons, I'm considering going into women's ministry. . This, in large part, is due to a speaker I've been enjoying, Bianca Juarez. I believe that she's the women's minister at a large church in Southern Cali, and I love the way she speaks. She appeals to their compassion and emotional needs, but she maintains authority and intellect. I'd love to do that.
But I don't feel even remotely qualified. And maybe I am supposed to be a high school teacher. How can I rule something out so quickly? Yet, as a women's ministry major, I'd still be teaching. Albeit, very differently, but still teaching.
I don't know yet. These are all ideas I've recently been considering. I don't want to make a decision based on this desire to start living my life instead of preparing for it, but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a factor. There's the issue. I just don't have any idea what to do lately.

I feel like I'm in this stage of constant change, and I hate it.
I feel so torn between so many different things that I want to cry some days.
I love OCC
But some days (a lot of days) I love camp more.
I love learning and I'm excited about the calling I feel.
But I want to be out there, not planning it.
As crucial as I know this time is, I'd just like to say:

THIS SUCKS.

The Last Day of August

Today I learned something borderline heretical for most college students. In fact, I could have my membership to my own generation revoked for publishing this. The well kept secret: you don't have to have a nap to have a great day.

WOAH. I just blew your mind.

(take a minute to compose yourself before reading further, if necessary. I understand.)

Now you're asking yourself what kind of moron I am. I know; I was you just a few short days ago. It's not easy to have your entire worldview changed. But my day, though nap-less, was pretty amazing. I went to class, chapel, class as normal. Exhausted from staying up much too late for any student with a 7AM class. I ate the crappy lunch in the caf (which wasn't THAT bad, I suppose), came back to my room and facebooked a little. All very routine. I picked up my paycheck and paid some of my school bill, then set off for an oil change. Ugh. I hate cars and their expenses. The oil change is more than I anticipated BUT for $15 more, I could get my car all checked out and my tires rotated. I know that it's really a dumb idea to let the people at Firestone talk you into anything, but I said yes this time. With an hour and a half to kill, I walked across the parking lot to Starbucks, armed with about eight hours of reading to do (which remains mostly undone).
At this point, my day is still blah. I mean, I killed time with my overpriced and definitely way unhealthy frappé and read my overpriced and uninteresting books (well, book. I mostly read my Comp. book). Firestone called and told me that I really need to spend about $1,000 more dollars today doing necessary, but financially impossible, repairs. I politely declined, read some more and picked up my car.
I should have noticed at this point that my day was going better than I anticipated. I mean, you give a student a day with the potential for no nap time, and let's face it, it's practically hell. But at Starbucks I sampled the most delicious pumpkin spice frappé, and as I walked over to Firestone impeccably timed, I should have realized that this day was different. Special.
After paying an arm and a leg, I set off for the Y. I have recently started a couple fitness programs that motivate me to find a way to get there every other day. I'm running my first 5k race on 10-10-10, and I am participating in a challenge issued by a fitness blogger (see halfofjess.com). Basically for the challenge (Drop Dead Gorgeous By December or DDGBD) we set goals for ourselves and report weekly with our weight, picture of us with a positive sign, the goals, and a brag and thing to improve on. My goals are as follows:
1. Run a 25 minute 5k (or less)
My least unattainable goal at this point. But hopefully I'll get there.
2. Two sets of 15 lunges
Last week I could do two sets of 8. Now I'm at 10. I'm pretty confident on this one.
3. A 90 second plank
Last week I was at 20. Now I can do a 40 - albeit barely.
4. Make 5 new close friends
I wasn't involved last year and regretted it. This year I'm changing that.
But I digress. I ran at the Y W5D2 of the C25k program. It was rough. My first real training day since hurting the ankle, it was supposed to be run 8 min, walk 5, run 8. I did it, and ran, but I didn't get as good of a distance as I wanted. Well, I got the distance I just went over time on the second 8, which puts my at close to an 11 minute mile. Ugh. But I also got the worst lower back/side cramp during that, so the fact I ran was amazing in of itself. I'm learning about perseverance!
After my grueling work-out, I showered and read blogs for a while. Anne Jackson is releasing a book of essays that are awesome. She posted seven on seven diff blogs of people of know her. The first one is at donmilleris.com. I'd def encourage you to check it!
After spending way too much time on the computer and not enough studying (like 45 minutes) I headed over my boss' house to cook dinner. I made stuffed peppers, and they were delicious if I do say so myself. I love cooking and it was so good 1. to have a kitchen, and 2. to not eat caf food. Eating was so much fun too - it was me, a co-worker, my boss, and her husband and it was great to talk and laugh together. I love Christian community!
Next, I headed to a prayer meeting. I was so nervous because I knew virtually no one coming, but I went. Big step. A couple other people came and it was awesome. It was great to pray. Love it. I'm going to go weekly and I really hope the Spirit brings more people! Hearing them reminisce about past groups got my yearning for something similar. Again, it was so awesome to experience community.
We chatted for about a half hour before I realized how late it was. I headed back to good ol' Dennis Hall, and stopped on second. I have never spent that long just chilling in a girl's room on second! It was great to chill with people from a different floor and to laugh with them. Oh how funny they are! I also talked to a girl about getting involved with the CH Youth Group, something I feel the Spirit tugging on me about, but I am terrified to actually do. It's tomorrow. Oh boy. Pray, pray, pray.

Though my day may seem mundane and boring to you, I can't get past this overwhelming happiness and peace. Kudos if you read all that, and I hope your day is just as great.

On Power

Darkness.

In front of a window damp with condensation,
one streetlight shining through.

On a chair in the midst of assorted items,
crying to be packed.

Lightning playing across the sky, a simple display of beauty and might.

I can't help but wax a touch poetic as I gaze out into the street. Every once in a while lightening brightens up the sky for a minute, dangerous and strangely beautiful. In spite of all of our modern technology and our ever-growing knowledge of weather lightening still holds an odd power over us. It can force changes in plans, changes in lifestyles (in extreme cases), and changes in our moods. It's interesting that something so seemingly insignificant and irrelevant can wield such power.
Since the dawn of creation lightening has existed. Some scientists even claim that lightening existed before we do (which, I suppose, creationists could endorse. I don't know that the Bible ever specifically records the beginning of lightening). We know a good deal about this force of nature, yet we remain in awe of it. It's power over us is truly incredible. So much of life is spent seeking such a power. We're encouraged from the get-go to be people of influence, people who can make the world turn. But why? No doubt such people must and should exist. But what's wrong with leading an ordinary life? A life that is filled with laughter and friendship rather than dramatic deals and shallow aspirations? Is it that important that the world knows who I am and what I've done? Is it worth selling my youth, adventures, and personality to become whatever I can to succeed? I think not.
With my sister's pending wedding, marriage has been on my mind. Not that it's ever a topic far off (it's a Bible college thing), but as friends get engaged and married, it is especially prevalent. And the more I think about it, the less compromising I seem to be willing to do. I don't want to get married if it means anything less than a life of adventure, passion, and beauty. This isn't to say that I am, in any sense, afraid of the hard times (well, maybe some), but rather that I won't settle. I may be naive about love and marriage, but if it doesn't life up to my ideal why would I want to accede? Marriage is a huge sacrifice and, honestly, not one that I could willingly make without a huge return. So I'm not going to become a wife. I'm not trying to hook a man by any means -- that's not what success, value, or power are to me. I am learning to be content and realize my value as a single woman, a woman free in the world to pursue unlimited opportunities to glorify God. I'm not planning a wedding or my dream date - if those fall into my world, into God's plan for my life, lovely. If not, I'm still powerful. I'm still indwelt by the Holy Spirit. I'm still God's chosen. It may be hard, but it'll be worth it.

Summer 2010

"There are mountains to be climbed, molehills to be laughed at, and milestones to be achieved. It’s vitally important to write down achievements, failures, and hilarious memories which mold us into the people who use our past as reference points for the future."
That's the beginning of Bianca Juarez's latest blog entry. As I read the post which outlined a mountain, molehill, and milestone in her life, I realized that I rarely take the time to outline those in my life. While not everything that might qualify for one of those categories can't be mentioned in this blog post, I think that August brings with it a good time for reflecting over the summer.

Mountain:

Lifeguarding - I was so worried and stressed about the class, and even more so about the actual job, but at the close of the summer the score was Tasha: 2.5 (one kid just needed an assist) vs. the bottom of the pool: 0. There were definitely some scary times - times when the water was cloudy or it was dark or there was the possibility of a storm - but overall it was very rewarding and completely worth the time and effort I put in. Duonna seemed pretty happy with the investment as well.

Molehill:

There were several molehills this summer. One was a particular email that got sent when it should've been forgotten. Another was a family matter that ruined a good surprise. While molehills have always been the best teacher, my philosophy remains that the lessons should be remembered and the specifics forgotten.


Milestone:

Definitely my two mile run in July. Twenty minutes. It felt amazing. I wish I could do it again - and I will! As soon as I can run on this ankle without putting it in danger of greater injury, I plan to push myself. I want to run a 5k this year, and hopefully be training for a half-marathon at this time next year. I want to lose some weight, gain some muscle, and mostly just be healthy. I'll post more specific goals later, but that gives you just a glimpse of my fitness dreams for the coming year!

Self-Control

I can make monstrous messes, but I can clean to Monk's satisfaction. Very rarely am I motivated to go to such extremes, but the principle stands. Of course now that I am older my messes are generally scaled down. When I was a little girl and cleaned my room, I would rush and drag my Dad down the hall, so proud to display my hard work. Around the time I was ten, he would always respond that I was so good at cleaning up my messes, but I needed to work more on keeping it clean.
Even though I can now keep my room clean, I can't seem to keep my life metaphorically clean. I am genius at saying or doing the wrong things, then coming back with these amazing apologies. I suppose it's great to be good at apologizing, but I'd so much rather be good at restraining myself.
Recently I realized this even more clearly. I sent a nasty message on Facebook to a person that didn't deserve it. I rushed in with an apology, but the thing is, that message will always be a part of his perception of me, and worse, his perception of the people and institutions with which I am associated. Best case scenario he sees me as a dumb teenager who can't control her mouth or her feelings. That's not how I want to be remembered.
How does that glorify God? I desperately need the Holy Spirit to work in this part of my life. The more that I think about him, the more assured I am of his power and his amazing plan for helping us to become Christ-like. I just finished reading Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit by Francis Chan. It was amazing, and I already want to re-read it. It's so full of truth that's all too forgotten. The Holy Spirit is what gives us the power to change and become Christ-like. If we are filled with the Spirit, we cannot be filled with the world, and worse, the devil. I've been seeing him work more actively in my life, but unfortunately not enough. How can you ever have enough God?