I Could've Been Caught in That Fire, But Now the Fire's Inside Me

It's dramatic, but a lyric near that played at church today and really struck me. So I am stealing it to title the first blog post in a looonnnggg time. I am not sure anyone will even read this! I have been writing, but it is so hard to edit things that are recognizable out of stories, so they've been staying safe in my notebook.

Today was different. Today I needed to publish, if for no other reason than the ability to look back on this exact web page in five, ten, fifteen years.


I knew this year would be difficult. As soon as I got my class list, I started praying over my students intensely - especially one or two. As I page through my journal entries, I am struck by things like:

"Last week I commented to Sarah that I thought my emotions were broken. Tonight... it occurred to me that I have been operating in survival mode. There's so much in my students' lives that I can't fix." (from an entry dated 12/6)

"I've spent a lot of time dreading 26. I even joked I was skipping my birthday this year. I think it's because my life is so different than what I imagined/expected it would be like - single, childless, working 2 jobs, thoroughly obsessed with my dog. But today I made I joke that I was re-doing 25 and it hit me. 25 was a hard year. I have struggled mightily with so much this year - relationships, boundaries, career challenges, restlessness. There have been incredible highs - deaning Middler for the first time - but some pretty steep valleys as well...It was a hard, hard year. But it was also a growing year. In the midst of hurt and pain - those times of total shatter - God is willing and able to make something abundantly more beautiful, joyful, and life-filled." (from an entry dated 12/22)

"It's been a month of challenge and seeing all the places I need to surrender to Jesus, but it's also been an incredible month of journeying to and pursuing the God that is everlasting and restores all things. I see his faithfulness in everything, especially his timing." (from an entry dated 1/18).

"But this year, as I read over these passages (Luke 22:39-46 and Hebrews 4:14-16) in preparation for Easter, I find myself feeling, so keenly, the words. I can imagine the anguish. Although I (obviously) have never faced anything remotely similar to what Jesus was facing, I have felt the pangs of praying earnestly, longing for God to show up, waiting desperately for a sign, and being bitterly disappointed to only find silence... I need that great High Priest. One who understands and sympathizes rather than constantly measuring and finding me wanting. I need that Savior. I need Him on days when my temper is short. I need Him on days when my finances run dry. I need Him on days when I wonder when my life will "start." I need Him as I face uncertainty after uncertainty when all that is sure in this world is sin and pain." (an entry dated 4/7).

So there's your frame of reference for the past few months. Honestly, I feel like I am constantly reflecting on God's faithfulness (in my thoughts, in previous entries on this blog, etc). As May starts to come into view, I can't help but rejoice in that faithfulness. As hard as this year has been - for a variety of reasons - it could have been so much worse without God, without His preparation.

I came across a quote in my devotions that read "Mountain tops inspire us, but valleys mature us." I have had mountain tops this year, but oh how the valleys have changed me!

I think about how a very uncomfortable situation last summer led me to seek counseling from a local pastor. He recommended a book that changed my life! (Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life - Henry Cloud) It enabled me to see better boundaries in that particular situation and radically grew my ability to see and implement healthy boundaries across the board: in relationships, in work-related responsibilities, in finances.

That situation taught me that responsibility is not putting up with all difficulties in the interest of preserving peace or relationship or a short time frame. Responsibility is being wise about what you say yes to.

As uncomfortable as last summer was, it was invaluable in preparing me - or helping me - to seek the right preparation for this year.

As I've learned to say no and set boundaries at work, I have re-discovered myself - my passions, my voice, the things I truly enjoy, besides being a teacher or a camp worker. As I have made time for other things, I have found moments of true and perfect peace, reveling in God and His creation and how God created me.

I have learned bravery and contentment, even in the midst of uncertainty and restlessness. I've learned to listen for the Holy Spirit by abiding in and memorizing Scripture (a lesson I have a feeling I will re-learn time and again).

As I look ahead into this summer, I am overwhelming excited. Not only is it the season of many of my favorite things : camp, fresh-starts, adventures, tans, flip-flops, playing outside, free time, swimming, grilling out; now I also see it as a time of great preparation. God was faithful as He prepared me last year. What will this year bring?


"When we are who we are called to be, we will set the world ablaze."
-St. Catherine of Siena




And just FYI - I love my class this year. They have been a challenge, but they are some of the sweetest and loving-est children I have ever had the joy to work with. They always make my laugh and smile, and they truly are gems.

The Next Chapter (and God's Incredible Faithfulness)

At the beginning of the camp season, our sweet summer mama (Duonna) challenged us (the staff) to do the 40 Day Prayer Challenge, as enumerated by Mark Batterson, with her. The challenge is based around an account from Jewish tradition of a prophet named Honi, who lived somewhere between the times when the Old Testament was finished and the New Testament had yet to begin.

There was a great drought in Jerusalem during Honi's life, and he cried desperately out to God for it to be ended. He drew a circle in the ground outside and declared that he would not leave the circle until God answered his prayer for rain. He begins to pray, and a drizzle slowly begins to fall. Amazed, the people around Honi rush to him and urge him to seek shelter. He refused, pointedly declaring "Not for such rain have I prayed," and he resumed praying. The rain changed at that point, becoming violent and soaking the earth. Again, the people urged Honi to seek shelter, and again he answered that this was not the rain that he had prayed for. Finally, the rain shifted once more. This rain was different from the light drizzle and the violent downpour; this rain was sweet and refreshing. It soaked the earth gently, and only then did Honi stand up and leave his circle. This was the rain for which he had prayed.

The entire point of the challenge was to pray persistently. Too often, we presume that we have received an answer and quit praying before we have really gotten what we wanted. Now, of course, there are caveats to this. God's plans are not ours, nor do we understand his ways. However in the Bible there is a precedent set of praying persistently (Elijah and Jesus come to my mind immediately).

When I was offered the job in Concordia, I was incredibly apprehensive. After a semester of job hunting disappointment, I was ecstatic to think of having a job, but I wanted to be sure that I was accepting the job that God wanted me to take - not just seeking to provide for myself. As I have spent the past few days starting to settle into Concordia, I truly feel that this is the rain that I have prayed for. As tentative as I was to accept a job in a town with which I have no prior connections, I have seen God confirm in so many small ways that I am where He wants me.

Although Concordia, Missouri is far from the inner city school I planned to teach in (a dream that I have not given up on by any means - after all, I have about another 50 years of teaching ahead of me) it is so clearly where I am to be for this season. I couldn't be more excited to begin my teaching career anywhere. I can see how all of these tiny pieces of my life and preparation for teaching are fitting together in Concordia. It is an incredibly wonderful - and peaceful - thing to watch God's faithfulness and His answers to SO many of my - and others' prayers on my behalf - unfold.

It reminds me of how the ancient Israelites would set up memorials to remind themselves of instances of God's faithfulness and deliverance (Joshua 4, Deut. 6:7-9). In some small way, I want this blog post to be my "pile of rocks." I want to remember this time of seeing God's faithfulness so clearly and definitely.

I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart;

    I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.

 I will be glad and rejoice in you;    I will sing the praises of your name, O Most High.

Psalm 9:1-2

Grandpa

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to spend a weekend with my family. We gathered together around my grandfather, and we reminisced and laughed and sang and prayed. As we each left, we made a point to say good-bye to Grandpa.

It was an emotional weekend. Walking away from the bed after the last hug was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Tears poured openly and the sobbing didn't slow until I was well on my way back to Joplin. The doctors had discussed with us the situation; they expected him to live a few more weeks. Grandpa didn't want to pursue any treatment, and with each labored breath it was clear how uncomfortable he was. The hospital staff worked hard to alleviate his discomfort, but he was restless to be with Jesus. His death is a celebration of a life of serving Jesus. He has crossed the finish line boldly. He ran the race with perseverance and endurance and grace. I could not be more proud of the man that I get to call Grandpa.

If I had to capture this man in one word - if one word could effectively summarize everything that he poured his 86 years into (which would be a failed endeavor, I realize) - I would choose faithfulness. My Grandpa faithfully pursued Jesus all of his days. It is incredible to hear stories of his life and the faith that he had. In so many situations, I am awed by his tenacity and reliance on Jesus.

Even in these last few months, he has been so faithful to Jesus. He gradually lost the ability to do normal day-to-day tasks but he continued to sing praises to God. Even when his voice became weak and couldn't support his singing, praises were still on his lips.

Grandpa has become for me the picture of praising God in every circumstance. My memories of my grandfather are interlaced with hymns and pictures of ministry. It seems like every meal we ate together ended with him singing. Some songs were simply from his childhood favorites. Most songs were hymns that he treasured. I am so honored and blessed to be a part of the legacy of a man so devoted to glorifying God and serving him faithfully. He spent years preaching and teaching about the Word of God. When his days behind the pulpit ended, he took up a ministry of encouragement and writing. Even two weeks before his death, while he was in the hospital, he took the time to write a final article for the church newsletter - an article that focused not on his limitations and pain, but on the joy of finally seeing Jesus. After a lifetime of faithfulness, I can't imagine a better reward.

My grandfather's faithfulness has inherently placed such a high standard on my own life. Standing beside his bed a few weeks ago, I was struck by the great privilege of being related to a man who had spent so much of his life working for the kingdom. The legacy that he leaves is not one of brokenness and discouragement, but of challenge and faith. I want to conduct myself in a manner that honors his choices and sacrifices, a manner that prioritizes the kingdom and glories God. I want my life to be a legacy of faithfulness and love for my great God.

A Moment

A moment is powerful.

A moment can change absolutely everything.

Last October Abbey, Anna, and I embarked on a fall-themed adventure. We were at an apple orchard/pumpkin patch. It was a beautiful day and my Mom took us out to the farm and bought us delicious fall themed treats and tickets to a horse-drawn hayride. Mom elected to stay behind, but Abbey and Anna and I climbed into the wagon with a few other adults and a few children. As we started into the woods we chatted with the driver about the horses and their jobs. They were cousins of Clydesdales-big, strong, and good workers. Despite this, they seemed a little skittish and weren't working as a team. 

Then they started to pick up their pace. The driver couldn't regain control. We were careening through the woods in a matter of milliseconds. The wagon bumped back and forth across the path, coming close to trees and jumping out of the way at the last second. After a few near misses, we were bound to strike one. Right before my eyes the side of the wagon was torn away. My eyes lost focus as I was thrown into the center of the wagon. A few more bumps, and the wagon moved out from under me. I found myself in a pile of brush on the side of the trail. I slowly sat up. The wagon was in front of me maybe twenty feet, tilted on one side. People were strewn around the path, and the driver stood beside the horses to calm them. 

Throughout the rest of that day, I kept having flashbacks of that moment - the moment where everything changed.The wagon went from being complete to being shattered; we went from being normal and healthy to aches and bruises and concussions. As I thought about it later, I thought about how much a moment can change things. Because I was preparing a communion meditation for the next day my mind jumped to the cross. 

It only took one moment for sin to enter the world. One moment condemned the entire world to death. But in one moment the world was saved. In one moment, Jesus died. In one moment, he rose from the dead. In those snapshots of powerful moments lie the most insane love story that ever existed. A God loved His people so much that He wrapped Himself in flesh and died for them, then rose from the dead so that we could lie again. 

So far in 2014...

I have spent the last two weeks learning so much that I think my head will explode! Student teaching, so far, is everything that I wanted it to be and so much MORE!

The elementary classroom has changed a great deal in the past decade, and I am so excited to see where education is going. I have the privilege of teaching in a classroom with a 1:1 iPad ratio. That technology alone has changed EVERYTHING. Our students use the Google apps to create and submit a good deal of their work. They have apps on their iPads to take spelling tests, to practice their multiplication facts, and to ponder the universe on Wonderopolis. Through this technology, and the mobile Macbook lab, students are able to collaborate with students from a whole other elementary school to research and create a virtual poster on a famous Missourian.

By creating custom search engines through Google and using resources like smore.com flyers, we can provide students with specific (trusted) resources. We can even use Google docs to create citations AND to record (vocal) feedback on student documents. What a game changer!!!!

I am learning so much about classroom management and developing positive student-teacher relationships. I've learned about being flexible and making reflective decisions. I am learning content related skills that differ from the way I was taught - which is GREAT because that's what educational innovation is.

Today my cooperating teacher got me into a seminar about integrating technology into the classroom and being innovative. It was an incredible honor to be in the presence of so many wonderful educators. I've learned about so many sites and great ways to communicate with parents and students.

I am so excited to keep learning!!!

Here's my cooperating teacher's blog: http://fancying4th.blogspot.com/
Feel free to look it up and be impressed!

After three and a half years at an institution dedicated to studying the Bible and training men and women for Christian ministry, you'd think that I'd have ironed out the things that are...troublesome to me in theology. At the very least, you'd think that I would cease to be surprised by them, perhaps even to expect them.

Nope.

Tens of thousands of dollars and one diploma later, I find myself sitting on my bed, Bible open in front of me, irritated that once again my paradigm must shift. I wish that Bible college was some magical place that resolved everything. I wish that there was some class that could address everything that might surprise you about Scripture or God or one that could teach you a balanced theology.

 Of course, I say this somewhat tongue in cheek. If I have learned anything in my years of following Christ it is that my paradigm is constantly shifting and balance is a lie. I once read that the church goes through phases in the way that we primarily view God - sometimes we lean hard into a kind, merciful God and other times we stand trembling before a Judge. At the time I had a hard time reconciling that to my desire to have a comprehensive and unadulterated view of God. I want to know God fully and to be able to identify all of his attributes. The fact is that God is too big for that to be possible for my tiny mind, and so I find myself focusing on certain traits that are entirely dependent on my season of life and experiences. In the midst of establishing my independence and learning to manage my finances, I find myself viewing God as my Provider. When I find new opportunities to use or sharpen the gifts that God has given me, I marvel at the faithfulness of God. When I have once again stuck my foot in my mouth or done something to remind myself how much I need God, the revelation of His grace and mercy surrounds me. In moments on the country roads near camp where I am breathless and inspired by the beauty of the creation around me, I feel the joy and peace and love of God.

So when I find myself in passages that discuss the sovereignty of God's choice and His severity towards those who have not believed in Him, I shudder. I want to relegate words like "wrath" and "hardening hearts" to the Old Testament. Even the word "severity" makes me uncomfortable. Unfortunately, these are still New Testament words. As I was reading them today, I found myself unwilling to reconcile these words into my picture of God. I love thinking of God as a Father who only gets angry about injustice and terrible things in the world - a faithful provider full of mercy and joy and peace and giggles and butterflies. But that's not accurate. And that makes me angry. Which really isn't fair because God isn't a cardboard cut-out. He's God.

Right after reading these chapters, I read Hebrews 11. As I read about the champions of faith, I realized how weak my own faith is. I got angry because I read things that I already knew were true about God. At no point did someone tell me that God wasn't all of the things that I was having difficulty reconciling into my view of Him. In fact, I am sure I have been told several times that those things ARE still true of God. In my human ignorance, I had chosen to block those truths from my mind.

The truth of the matter is that I would rather serve a God that remains a mystery to me than one that I fully understand and anticipate. I have seen enough of God's goodness and love to say with confidence that He is a good God, unwilling to have anyone perish. I don't fully understand Him and there are aspects of Him and things in this world that I can't easily (or at all) reconcile to what I know of Him, but I can trust in His goodness and grace. My faith may be simple, even naive in this way, but I would rather spend my life seeking Him on a wild adventure than giving up and chasing the American dream.

Independence.

The past week has taught me more about my view of independence than any amount of philosophical study or reflection could. For the past week, I have been anything but independent. Starting eight days ago, I have relied on other people to dry me off, to dress me, to do my hair or make up, to carry my books, to drive me around, even to feed me.

For a girl who so highly values her independence, that's a whole lot of frustration. And I think the most frustrating thing hasn't been an inability to perform some of those tasks, but its been relying on people to do them for me and allowing them to. It's hard to be the recipient of grace, to be the inconvenience. I so desperately long to suddenly have full range of motion, full function, to be able to do everything for myself. I keep trying to steal back pieces of my independence, but I feel like God has to have a greater purpose for my frustrations than the injury in of itself. Perhaps I am reading too much into this, but I feel like God is using this uncomfortable time to teach me that I don't get to be independent. As much as I value going where I want, when I want, doing what I want, I am learning the beauty and joy of interwoven lives, of together time pushed to the breaking point.

I love living in a time and place that allows God to speak to me so personally and clearly. I love being challenged to grow, even when it hurts. Even when God is wrenching away from me the thing that I have spent so many years fostering and cultivating and desiring, there is some sort of beauty. I love that the God I serve does not fix me overnight, but allows me to be a part of the process. I love that God loves me enough not to leave me the way that I am.