Grandpa

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to spend a weekend with my family. We gathered together around my grandfather, and we reminisced and laughed and sang and prayed. As we each left, we made a point to say good-bye to Grandpa.

It was an emotional weekend. Walking away from the bed after the last hug was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Tears poured openly and the sobbing didn't slow until I was well on my way back to Joplin. The doctors had discussed with us the situation; they expected him to live a few more weeks. Grandpa didn't want to pursue any treatment, and with each labored breath it was clear how uncomfortable he was. The hospital staff worked hard to alleviate his discomfort, but he was restless to be with Jesus. His death is a celebration of a life of serving Jesus. He has crossed the finish line boldly. He ran the race with perseverance and endurance and grace. I could not be more proud of the man that I get to call Grandpa.

If I had to capture this man in one word - if one word could effectively summarize everything that he poured his 86 years into (which would be a failed endeavor, I realize) - I would choose faithfulness. My Grandpa faithfully pursued Jesus all of his days. It is incredible to hear stories of his life and the faith that he had. In so many situations, I am awed by his tenacity and reliance on Jesus.

Even in these last few months, he has been so faithful to Jesus. He gradually lost the ability to do normal day-to-day tasks but he continued to sing praises to God. Even when his voice became weak and couldn't support his singing, praises were still on his lips.

Grandpa has become for me the picture of praising God in every circumstance. My memories of my grandfather are interlaced with hymns and pictures of ministry. It seems like every meal we ate together ended with him singing. Some songs were simply from his childhood favorites. Most songs were hymns that he treasured. I am so honored and blessed to be a part of the legacy of a man so devoted to glorifying God and serving him faithfully. He spent years preaching and teaching about the Word of God. When his days behind the pulpit ended, he took up a ministry of encouragement and writing. Even two weeks before his death, while he was in the hospital, he took the time to write a final article for the church newsletter - an article that focused not on his limitations and pain, but on the joy of finally seeing Jesus. After a lifetime of faithfulness, I can't imagine a better reward.

My grandfather's faithfulness has inherently placed such a high standard on my own life. Standing beside his bed a few weeks ago, I was struck by the great privilege of being related to a man who had spent so much of his life working for the kingdom. The legacy that he leaves is not one of brokenness and discouragement, but of challenge and faith. I want to conduct myself in a manner that honors his choices and sacrifices, a manner that prioritizes the kingdom and glories God. I want my life to be a legacy of faithfulness and love for my great God.

A Moment

A moment is powerful.

A moment can change absolutely everything.

Last October Abbey, Anna, and I embarked on a fall-themed adventure. We were at an apple orchard/pumpkin patch. It was a beautiful day and my Mom took us out to the farm and bought us delicious fall themed treats and tickets to a horse-drawn hayride. Mom elected to stay behind, but Abbey and Anna and I climbed into the wagon with a few other adults and a few children. As we started into the woods we chatted with the driver about the horses and their jobs. They were cousins of Clydesdales-big, strong, and good workers. Despite this, they seemed a little skittish and weren't working as a team. 

Then they started to pick up their pace. The driver couldn't regain control. We were careening through the woods in a matter of milliseconds. The wagon bumped back and forth across the path, coming close to trees and jumping out of the way at the last second. After a few near misses, we were bound to strike one. Right before my eyes the side of the wagon was torn away. My eyes lost focus as I was thrown into the center of the wagon. A few more bumps, and the wagon moved out from under me. I found myself in a pile of brush on the side of the trail. I slowly sat up. The wagon was in front of me maybe twenty feet, tilted on one side. People were strewn around the path, and the driver stood beside the horses to calm them. 

Throughout the rest of that day, I kept having flashbacks of that moment - the moment where everything changed.The wagon went from being complete to being shattered; we went from being normal and healthy to aches and bruises and concussions. As I thought about it later, I thought about how much a moment can change things. Because I was preparing a communion meditation for the next day my mind jumped to the cross. 

It only took one moment for sin to enter the world. One moment condemned the entire world to death. But in one moment the world was saved. In one moment, Jesus died. In one moment, he rose from the dead. In those snapshots of powerful moments lie the most insane love story that ever existed. A God loved His people so much that He wrapped Himself in flesh and died for them, then rose from the dead so that we could lie again. 

So far in 2014...

I have spent the last two weeks learning so much that I think my head will explode! Student teaching, so far, is everything that I wanted it to be and so much MORE!

The elementary classroom has changed a great deal in the past decade, and I am so excited to see where education is going. I have the privilege of teaching in a classroom with a 1:1 iPad ratio. That technology alone has changed EVERYTHING. Our students use the Google apps to create and submit a good deal of their work. They have apps on their iPads to take spelling tests, to practice their multiplication facts, and to ponder the universe on Wonderopolis. Through this technology, and the mobile Macbook lab, students are able to collaborate with students from a whole other elementary school to research and create a virtual poster on a famous Missourian.

By creating custom search engines through Google and using resources like smore.com flyers, we can provide students with specific (trusted) resources. We can even use Google docs to create citations AND to record (vocal) feedback on student documents. What a game changer!!!!

I am learning so much about classroom management and developing positive student-teacher relationships. I've learned about being flexible and making reflective decisions. I am learning content related skills that differ from the way I was taught - which is GREAT because that's what educational innovation is.

Today my cooperating teacher got me into a seminar about integrating technology into the classroom and being innovative. It was an incredible honor to be in the presence of so many wonderful educators. I've learned about so many sites and great ways to communicate with parents and students.

I am so excited to keep learning!!!

Here's my cooperating teacher's blog: http://fancying4th.blogspot.com/
Feel free to look it up and be impressed!

After three and a half years at an institution dedicated to studying the Bible and training men and women for Christian ministry, you'd think that I'd have ironed out the things that are...troublesome to me in theology. At the very least, you'd think that I would cease to be surprised by them, perhaps even to expect them.

Nope.

Tens of thousands of dollars and one diploma later, I find myself sitting on my bed, Bible open in front of me, irritated that once again my paradigm must shift. I wish that Bible college was some magical place that resolved everything. I wish that there was some class that could address everything that might surprise you about Scripture or God or one that could teach you a balanced theology.

 Of course, I say this somewhat tongue in cheek. If I have learned anything in my years of following Christ it is that my paradigm is constantly shifting and balance is a lie. I once read that the church goes through phases in the way that we primarily view God - sometimes we lean hard into a kind, merciful God and other times we stand trembling before a Judge. At the time I had a hard time reconciling that to my desire to have a comprehensive and unadulterated view of God. I want to know God fully and to be able to identify all of his attributes. The fact is that God is too big for that to be possible for my tiny mind, and so I find myself focusing on certain traits that are entirely dependent on my season of life and experiences. In the midst of establishing my independence and learning to manage my finances, I find myself viewing God as my Provider. When I find new opportunities to use or sharpen the gifts that God has given me, I marvel at the faithfulness of God. When I have once again stuck my foot in my mouth or done something to remind myself how much I need God, the revelation of His grace and mercy surrounds me. In moments on the country roads near camp where I am breathless and inspired by the beauty of the creation around me, I feel the joy and peace and love of God.

So when I find myself in passages that discuss the sovereignty of God's choice and His severity towards those who have not believed in Him, I shudder. I want to relegate words like "wrath" and "hardening hearts" to the Old Testament. Even the word "severity" makes me uncomfortable. Unfortunately, these are still New Testament words. As I was reading them today, I found myself unwilling to reconcile these words into my picture of God. I love thinking of God as a Father who only gets angry about injustice and terrible things in the world - a faithful provider full of mercy and joy and peace and giggles and butterflies. But that's not accurate. And that makes me angry. Which really isn't fair because God isn't a cardboard cut-out. He's God.

Right after reading these chapters, I read Hebrews 11. As I read about the champions of faith, I realized how weak my own faith is. I got angry because I read things that I already knew were true about God. At no point did someone tell me that God wasn't all of the things that I was having difficulty reconciling into my view of Him. In fact, I am sure I have been told several times that those things ARE still true of God. In my human ignorance, I had chosen to block those truths from my mind.

The truth of the matter is that I would rather serve a God that remains a mystery to me than one that I fully understand and anticipate. I have seen enough of God's goodness and love to say with confidence that He is a good God, unwilling to have anyone perish. I don't fully understand Him and there are aspects of Him and things in this world that I can't easily (or at all) reconcile to what I know of Him, but I can trust in His goodness and grace. My faith may be simple, even naive in this way, but I would rather spend my life seeking Him on a wild adventure than giving up and chasing the American dream.

Independence.

The past week has taught me more about my view of independence than any amount of philosophical study or reflection could. For the past week, I have been anything but independent. Starting eight days ago, I have relied on other people to dry me off, to dress me, to do my hair or make up, to carry my books, to drive me around, even to feed me.

For a girl who so highly values her independence, that's a whole lot of frustration. And I think the most frustrating thing hasn't been an inability to perform some of those tasks, but its been relying on people to do them for me and allowing them to. It's hard to be the recipient of grace, to be the inconvenience. I so desperately long to suddenly have full range of motion, full function, to be able to do everything for myself. I keep trying to steal back pieces of my independence, but I feel like God has to have a greater purpose for my frustrations than the injury in of itself. Perhaps I am reading too much into this, but I feel like God is using this uncomfortable time to teach me that I don't get to be independent. As much as I value going where I want, when I want, doing what I want, I am learning the beauty and joy of interwoven lives, of together time pushed to the breaking point.

I love living in a time and place that allows God to speak to me so personally and clearly. I love being challenged to grow, even when it hurts. Even when God is wrenching away from me the thing that I have spent so many years fostering and cultivating and desiring, there is some sort of beauty. I love that the God I serve does not fix me overnight, but allows me to be a part of the process. I love that God loves me enough not to leave me the way that I am.

Goodbyes

Goodbyes are awful. People don't tell you that when you're young, but they should. Or maybe some people do, but I don't remember anyone telling me that.

Yesterday I said goodbye to my oldest and dearest friend. After 5 days of literally doing everything together, it was weird to watch her walk through airport security alone. It kind of felt like she took a part of me with her.

It's different when you're the one leaving. As you go through security, you are thinking of the life that you put on pause, the things that you need to get back for, even the simple joys of flying. You think of the people you met and the things you did, trying to stamp them perfectly into your memory for fear that the instant the plane touches down and vacation ends, everything that happens will be forever erased.

But when you're the one that is left, you feel the emptiness and the loneliness. Vacation ends differently, suddenly. Rather than spending seven hours traveling home and hanging out in airports, it is just over. There's no buffer or transition. It all just kind of hits at once.

And then the next day is when the sense of loss hits. Because when she's still traveling, you have other things to think about. But when she lands at her home airport, it's truly over. And maybe this time next you'll fly to see her. But maybe it won't work out for one reason or another. And a year is hard enough to wait to see someone, let alone adding another six or ten months.

Because it isn't just anyone you're waiting to see. It's your person. It's the one person that you call when everything is bad. Or when everything is okay. Or when you're bored. It's the person you call so that they can tell you you're stressing over stupid things or that everything will be okay. It's the person that you've spent the past twenty years talking to - the person that you can't lie to, the person that can simultaneously drive you crazy and make themselves invaluable to your life.

And that's why goodbyes are awful.

This post could've been about any number of things we did. I could've talked about how much fun we had ice skating, about how wonderful it was to go out to dinner with my parents, about the time we spent in Joplin. I could've described the joy that I felt introducing Sarah to everyone that I know in Joplin - at the Sister Mountain Brother Sea concert, at a dinner party we hosted, at a breakfast we made, or even the lunch we cooked. I could've spent this post elaborating on the recipes we tried, on baking bread, making our traditional Chicken Divan, or the crazy places I made Sarah go to eat good local food. I could've even made you laugh with stories of dying our hair or shopping or the ridiculous things that Sarah said to me. This post could've been all about the incredible talks that we had and the decisions that we discussed.

But those memories - the funny or sad or ridiculous or happy stories - are the things that I have to hold onto as I wait another 300 or 400 days to see her. And I know the miracles of skyping and texting and facebooking and calling, but it isn't the same. I am grateful for those things, but I want to live in the same city as she does, to be able to walk down the street and have a cup of coffee with her. Because then we don't have to say goodbye, we just have to say see you later. And that has a much nicer ring to it.

For happier posts* about Sarah, you can look at these:

2011
2012

*sorry if this post is super depressing and a crappy first post in four months. first off, it's my blog - you don't have to read it. second, its second day blues. and school starts tomorrow. third, my hair and my nails are black. and I wore almost all black today. I get to be moody and depressing.

Life.

It is such an incredible thing to see God moving. I know that God is always at work, but what a privilege it is to be able to recognize His Spirit so tangibly! In so many ways, I am in this incredible season of reaping the harvest that has been sown. And this harvest is not something that I can take any glory for - it is completely owing to the dozens of people who have gone before me. It is their hard labor, their faith, that makes it possible for me to have the joy of reaping the harvest.

And what a joy it is! I know that these memories of when God was so clearly glorified here in my life will sustain me in the years to come when I am in the season of planting the harvest. What an exciting thing to be on this side of things though!

And not only do I see it around me, I see it in me. I feel God working things out in my heart. I feel His joy and His love and His passion consuming me in new ways. I feel I am diving into more of His heart. What an incredible feeling! The more that I see Him move, the more deeply I long to know Him. And despite the ridiculous class/work schedule that this semester boasts, the more that I want to be involved in what He is doing. I want to pursue what He is doing in other things too - the other ministries my friends are involved in, the other ministries I hear about. I am so in love with God that it doesn't matter what it is, I want to hear what He is doing!

I have been reading about Amy Carmichael lately. What an incredible woman of God she was! Reading about her pursuit of Christ has brought so many things into sharper focus for me. She gave up everything to go where Christ led her: she broke so many expectations and social codes, she faced so much criticism, and yet she went. And this book is so bluntly honest about her feelings and her struggles. I love it. She writes about her frustrations with where she felt God was leading her and the people who tried to contradict it. One of my favorite things she brought out thus far was the tension between how we live and how we should live, as Christians. People were objecting to the how hard she was pushing herself for the ministry, and she made the point that "Satan is so much more in earnest than we are - he buys up the opportunity while we are wondering how much it will cost." BAM! Convicted. And I realize that boundaries and stuff are important to prevent burnout or whatever, but this is a really interesting point to ponder. It makes me want to seize more of what God lays at my doorstep - to push myself harder to glorify God (within the context of boundaries that guard who He has created me to be). But our God is in the business of stretching people, and I am so excited for Him to stretch me into the most God-glorifying version of myself.

How great is it that God knows the most awesome version of who I could be - the fullest version of myself! The more that God changes me, the more that I feel that He's weeding out who I am not so that I become more of me! I feel like I am learning who I am because of who He's created me to be. It's freaking awesome!