After three and a half years at an institution dedicated to studying the Bible and training men and women for Christian ministry, you'd think that I'd have ironed out the things that are...troublesome to me in theology. At the very least, you'd think that I would cease to be surprised by them, perhaps even to expect them.
Nope.
Tens of thousands of dollars and one diploma later, I find myself sitting on my bed, Bible open in front of me, irritated that once again my paradigm must shift. I wish that Bible college was some magical place that resolved everything. I wish that there was some class that could address everything that might surprise you about Scripture or God or one that could teach you a balanced theology.
Of course, I say this somewhat tongue in cheek. If I have learned anything in my years of following Christ it is that my paradigm is constantly shifting and balance is a lie. I once read that the church goes through phases in the way that we primarily view God - sometimes we lean hard into a kind, merciful God and other times we stand trembling before a Judge. At the time I had a hard time reconciling that to my desire to have a comprehensive and unadulterated view of God. I want to know God fully and to be able to identify all of his attributes. The fact is that God is too big for that to be possible for my tiny mind, and so I find myself focusing on certain traits that are entirely dependent on my season of life and experiences. In the midst of establishing my independence and learning to manage my finances, I find myself viewing God as my Provider. When I find new opportunities to use or sharpen the gifts that God has given me, I marvel at the faithfulness of God. When I have once again stuck my foot in my mouth or done something to remind myself how much I need God, the revelation of His grace and mercy surrounds me. In moments on the country roads near camp where I am breathless and inspired by the beauty of the creation around me, I feel the joy and peace and love of God.
So when I find myself in passages that discuss the sovereignty of God's choice and His severity towards those who have not believed in Him, I shudder. I want to relegate words like "wrath" and "hardening hearts" to the Old Testament. Even the word "severity" makes me uncomfortable. Unfortunately, these are still New Testament words. As I was reading them today, I found myself unwilling to reconcile these words into my picture of God. I love thinking of God as a Father who only gets angry about injustice and terrible things in the world - a faithful provider full of mercy and joy and peace and giggles and butterflies. But that's not accurate. And that makes me angry. Which really isn't fair because God isn't a cardboard cut-out. He's God.
Right after reading these chapters, I read Hebrews 11. As I read about the champions of faith, I realized how weak my own faith is. I got angry because I read things that I already knew were true about God. At no point did someone tell me that God wasn't all of the things that I was having difficulty reconciling into my view of Him. In fact, I am sure I have been told several times that those things ARE still true of God. In my human ignorance, I had chosen to block those truths from my mind.
The truth of the matter is that I would rather serve a God that remains a mystery to me than one that I fully understand and anticipate. I have seen enough of God's goodness and love to say with confidence that He is a good God, unwilling to have anyone perish. I don't fully understand Him and there are aspects of Him and things in this world that I can't easily (or at all) reconcile to what I know of Him, but I can trust in His goodness and grace. My faith may be simple, even naive in this way, but I would rather spend my life seeking Him on a wild adventure than giving up and chasing the American dream.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Independence.
The past week has taught me more about my view of independence than any amount of philosophical study or reflection could. For the past week, I have been anything but independent. Starting eight days ago, I have relied on other people to dry me off, to dress me, to do my hair or make up, to carry my books, to drive me around, even to feed me.
For a girl who so highly values her independence, that's a whole lot of frustration. And I think the most frustrating thing hasn't been an inability to perform some of those tasks, but its been relying on people to do them for me and allowing them to. It's hard to be the recipient of grace, to be the inconvenience. I so desperately long to suddenly have full range of motion, full function, to be able to do everything for myself. I keep trying to steal back pieces of my independence, but I feel like God has to have a greater purpose for my frustrations than the injury in of itself. Perhaps I am reading too much into this, but I feel like God is using this uncomfortable time to teach me that I don't get to be independent. As much as I value going where I want, when I want, doing what I want, I am learning the beauty and joy of interwoven lives, of together time pushed to the breaking point.
I love living in a time and place that allows God to speak to me so personally and clearly. I love being challenged to grow, even when it hurts. Even when God is wrenching away from me the thing that I have spent so many years fostering and cultivating and desiring, there is some sort of beauty. I love that the God I serve does not fix me overnight, but allows me to be a part of the process. I love that God loves me enough not to leave me the way that I am.
The past week has taught me more about my view of independence than any amount of philosophical study or reflection could. For the past week, I have been anything but independent. Starting eight days ago, I have relied on other people to dry me off, to dress me, to do my hair or make up, to carry my books, to drive me around, even to feed me.
For a girl who so highly values her independence, that's a whole lot of frustration. And I think the most frustrating thing hasn't been an inability to perform some of those tasks, but its been relying on people to do them for me and allowing them to. It's hard to be the recipient of grace, to be the inconvenience. I so desperately long to suddenly have full range of motion, full function, to be able to do everything for myself. I keep trying to steal back pieces of my independence, but I feel like God has to have a greater purpose for my frustrations than the injury in of itself. Perhaps I am reading too much into this, but I feel like God is using this uncomfortable time to teach me that I don't get to be independent. As much as I value going where I want, when I want, doing what I want, I am learning the beauty and joy of interwoven lives, of together time pushed to the breaking point.
I love living in a time and place that allows God to speak to me so personally and clearly. I love being challenged to grow, even when it hurts. Even when God is wrenching away from me the thing that I have spent so many years fostering and cultivating and desiring, there is some sort of beauty. I love that the God I serve does not fix me overnight, but allows me to be a part of the process. I love that God loves me enough not to leave me the way that I am.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Goodbyes
Goodbyes are awful. People don't tell you that when you're young, but they should. Or maybe some people do, but I don't remember anyone telling me that.
Yesterday I said goodbye to my oldest and dearest friend. After 5 days of literally doing everything together, it was weird to watch her walk through airport security alone. It kind of felt like she took a part of me with her.
It's different when you're the one leaving. As you go through security, you are thinking of the life that you put on pause, the things that you need to get back for, even the simple joys of flying. You think of the people you met and the things you did, trying to stamp them perfectly into your memory for fear that the instant the plane touches down and vacation ends, everything that happens will be forever erased.
But when you're the one that is left, you feel the emptiness and the loneliness. Vacation ends differently, suddenly. Rather than spending seven hours traveling home and hanging out in airports, it is just over. There's no buffer or transition. It all just kind of hits at once.
And then the next day is when the sense of loss hits. Because when she's still traveling, you have other things to think about. But when she lands at her home airport, it's truly over. And maybe this time next you'll fly to see her. But maybe it won't work out for one reason or another. And a year is hard enough to wait to see someone, let alone adding another six or ten months.
Because it isn't just anyone you're waiting to see. It's your person. It's the one person that you call when everything is bad. Or when everything is okay. Or when you're bored. It's the person you call so that they can tell you you're stressing over stupid things or that everything will be okay. It's the person that you've spent the past twenty years talking to - the person that you can't lie to, the person that can simultaneously drive you crazy and make themselves invaluable to your life.
And that's why goodbyes are awful.
This post could've been about any number of things we did. I could've talked about how much fun we had ice skating, about how wonderful it was to go out to dinner with my parents, about the time we spent in Joplin. I could've described the joy that I felt introducing Sarah to everyone that I know in Joplin - at the Sister Mountain Brother Sea concert, at a dinner party we hosted, at a breakfast we made, or even the lunch we cooked. I could've spent this post elaborating on the recipes we tried, on baking bread, making our traditional Chicken Divan, or the crazy places I made Sarah go to eat good local food. I could've even made you laugh with stories of dying our hair or shopping or the ridiculous things that Sarah said to me. This post could've been all about the incredible talks that we had and the decisions that we discussed.
But those memories - the funny or sad or ridiculous or happy stories - are the things that I have to hold onto as I wait another 300 or 400 days to see her. And I know the miracles of skyping and texting and facebooking and calling, but it isn't the same. I am grateful for those things, but I want to live in the same city as she does, to be able to walk down the street and have a cup of coffee with her. Because then we don't have to say goodbye, we just have to say see you later. And that has a much nicer ring to it.
For happier posts* about Sarah, you can look at these:
2011
2012
*sorry if this post is super depressing and a crappy first post in four months. first off, it's my blog - you don't have to read it. second, its second day blues. and school starts tomorrow. third, my hair and my nails are black. and I wore almost all black today. I get to be moody and depressing.
Yesterday I said goodbye to my oldest and dearest friend. After 5 days of literally doing everything together, it was weird to watch her walk through airport security alone. It kind of felt like she took a part of me with her.
It's different when you're the one leaving. As you go through security, you are thinking of the life that you put on pause, the things that you need to get back for, even the simple joys of flying. You think of the people you met and the things you did, trying to stamp them perfectly into your memory for fear that the instant the plane touches down and vacation ends, everything that happens will be forever erased.
But when you're the one that is left, you feel the emptiness and the loneliness. Vacation ends differently, suddenly. Rather than spending seven hours traveling home and hanging out in airports, it is just over. There's no buffer or transition. It all just kind of hits at once.
And then the next day is when the sense of loss hits. Because when she's still traveling, you have other things to think about. But when she lands at her home airport, it's truly over. And maybe this time next you'll fly to see her. But maybe it won't work out for one reason or another. And a year is hard enough to wait to see someone, let alone adding another six or ten months.
Because it isn't just anyone you're waiting to see. It's your person. It's the one person that you call when everything is bad. Or when everything is okay. Or when you're bored. It's the person you call so that they can tell you you're stressing over stupid things or that everything will be okay. It's the person that you've spent the past twenty years talking to - the person that you can't lie to, the person that can simultaneously drive you crazy and make themselves invaluable to your life.
And that's why goodbyes are awful.
This post could've been about any number of things we did. I could've talked about how much fun we had ice skating, about how wonderful it was to go out to dinner with my parents, about the time we spent in Joplin. I could've described the joy that I felt introducing Sarah to everyone that I know in Joplin - at the Sister Mountain Brother Sea concert, at a dinner party we hosted, at a breakfast we made, or even the lunch we cooked. I could've spent this post elaborating on the recipes we tried, on baking bread, making our traditional Chicken Divan, or the crazy places I made Sarah go to eat good local food. I could've even made you laugh with stories of dying our hair or shopping or the ridiculous things that Sarah said to me. This post could've been all about the incredible talks that we had and the decisions that we discussed.
But those memories - the funny or sad or ridiculous or happy stories - are the things that I have to hold onto as I wait another 300 or 400 days to see her. And I know the miracles of skyping and texting and facebooking and calling, but it isn't the same. I am grateful for those things, but I want to live in the same city as she does, to be able to walk down the street and have a cup of coffee with her. Because then we don't have to say goodbye, we just have to say see you later. And that has a much nicer ring to it.
For happier posts* about Sarah, you can look at these:
2011
2012
*sorry if this post is super depressing and a crappy first post in four months. first off, it's my blog - you don't have to read it. second, its second day blues. and school starts tomorrow. third, my hair and my nails are black. and I wore almost all black today. I get to be moody and depressing.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Life.
It is such an incredible thing to see God moving. I know that God is always at work, but what a privilege it is to be able to recognize His Spirit so tangibly! In so many ways, I am in this incredible season of reaping the harvest that has been sown. And this harvest is not something that I can take any glory for - it is completely owing to the dozens of people who have gone before me. It is their hard labor, their faith, that makes it possible for me to have the joy of reaping the harvest.
And what a joy it is! I know that these memories of when God was so clearly glorified here in my life will sustain me in the years to come when I am in the season of planting the harvest. What an exciting thing to be on this side of things though!
And not only do I see it around me, I see it in me. I feel God working things out in my heart. I feel His joy and His love and His passion consuming me in new ways. I feel I am diving into more of His heart. What an incredible feeling! The more that I see Him move, the more deeply I long to know Him. And despite the ridiculous class/work schedule that this semester boasts, the more that I want to be involved in what He is doing. I want to pursue what He is doing in other things too - the other ministries my friends are involved in, the other ministries I hear about. I am so in love with God that it doesn't matter what it is, I want to hear what He is doing!
I have been reading about Amy Carmichael lately. What an incredible woman of God she was! Reading about her pursuit of Christ has brought so many things into sharper focus for me. She gave up everything to go where Christ led her: she broke so many expectations and social codes, she faced so much criticism, and yet she went. And this book is so bluntly honest about her feelings and her struggles. I love it. She writes about her frustrations with where she felt God was leading her and the people who tried to contradict it. One of my favorite things she brought out thus far was the tension between how we live and how we should live, as Christians. People were objecting to the how hard she was pushing herself for the ministry, and she made the point that "Satan is so much more in earnest than we are - he buys up the opportunity while we are wondering how much it will cost." BAM! Convicted. And I realize that boundaries and stuff are important to prevent burnout or whatever, but this is a really interesting point to ponder. It makes me want to seize more of what God lays at my doorstep - to push myself harder to glorify God (within the context of boundaries that guard who He has created me to be). But our God is in the business of stretching people, and I am so excited for Him to stretch me into the most God-glorifying version of myself.
How great is it that God knows the most awesome version of who I could be - the fullest version of myself! The more that God changes me, the more that I feel that He's weeding out who I am not so that I become more of me! I feel like I am learning who I am because of who He's created me to be. It's freaking awesome!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Dive.
Here's the thing. I'm going to be completely honest: I've felt very stagnant lately. I don't feel like I've pulled away from Jesus, but I am just not choosing to go deeper. In some ways, it feels like I'm trying to surface, to gasp for air and find some happy medium between the world and Jesus, some safe place that doesn't require too much and gives me just enough. But, in reality, I need to go deeper to find true relief, true life-giving air (Jesus and faith and water are all so connected in my head. I have no other metaphors). The point is that I'm not really having quiet time or getting in the Word, but I mean I still love Jesus. But I've started struggling with stuff again - stuff I don't want to struggle with and thought I had dealt with. But tonight was Faith and Family night at Kauffman Stadium. So a group of us went and saw the Royals lose and then some Christian players spoke and KJ-52 and Building 429 performed and even though it was all cheesy and sappy and stuff, it got me. God really spoke to me. And it was a message of LOVE. I think its really easy for me for faith to get impersonal. It becomes less a relationship and more a part of who I am, just another defining feature. But I realized tonight that there is also this overwhelming love that goes along with all that. That it is deep and more than anything I felt Him saying "dive in." "Dive into my delight and my pleasure and the honest truth that I made you and I love you for all you are. I love all of your crazy quirks and all of your thoughts and everything you are. Feel my pleasure for what I've created!" And I really just want to dive.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Best Friends and Bible Study
I've known my best friend, Sarah Elizabeth Waldo, for my entire life. Of course, of
I could go on forever about how much I love Sarah, how much fun we have together, what a great friend she is. Really, you should meet her sometime. She's worth the cost of a plane ticket. But that's not the point of this post. Well, it kinda is.
She came to visit during this week last year, and it was this day (Saturday) that she was on a plane home. You can read all about it here, but I did want to share something with you from that post to help you understand us:
The thing that I treasure most about Sarah is that I can tell her when I need space. We are nearly opposite in everything which makes us an odd pair to be so close. We've both said that if we hadn't grown up together, we would not be friends with each other. I'm way too type A, organized, and driven and she is way too relationally driven and extroverted. After a week together, we tend to get a little rough around the edges.
Perhaps that is why I always feel surprised at the profound sense of loss I feel as we arrive at the airport, check in, and one of us goes into security while the other watches - knowing that the amount of time between our next reunion is never set in stone. As I walked away from the gate this evening, I was moved nearly to tears as I reflected on our friendship. Sarah and I don't always see eye to eye. She drives me crazy sometimes. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love her more dearly than I could ever think possible. I treasure her so deeply that I know that our friendship could never really end. I don't know why God put us together, but He did and for that I am grateful. Sitting beside her, I almost lose track of where she ends and I begin. There are very few people who have an unlimited license to hug me but she is one of them.
Saying all of this, it dawns on me that it is almost like a romance or like being in love. While I can assure all of you that it is entirely platonic (we are both too boy crazy for our own good), she is one of the few people in the entire world that I am not sure that I could love a boy more than. I trust her with everything. Literally. I wish that I could be there when things are going badly, but I am relegated to being the friend on the phone. I wish we could celebrate the little victories, but I can only send my congratulations via technology. Still, I know that we have something special. We've been friends for twenty years - a bond not easily shaken. There may come a day where the chaotic push and pull of life forces us to fall out of touch but I have a strong conviction deep within me that even in that circumstance we won't stop loving each other, we won't stop thinking of each other, and we'll make it work. Because we always have. We are pros at the long-distance thing.
Sarah and I recently started studying the book of Ephesians. Even though we've been
And its really cool, I think, because despite how often she remarks, "oh, that's why I sent you to Bible college" after I say something, her take on the text has been really enlightening to me. In fact, she and this book have been kicking my butt lately. God has majorly used her in my growth this summer. She motivates me to get in the Word and study and be able to bring something to the table when we discuss it. She motivates me to live out what the text says. She teaches me about grace every time we talk. She's much better at grace than I am.
And Ephesians? Man, Paul wrote some good stuff in that letter. Because of this Bible study, Sarah and I have been reading it a lot, and I (being the crazy type-a that I am) took very organized and categorical notes. As I was looking over them today, once again I felt the weight of what Paul was saying hit me.
In chapter 4, it talks about how we should live. I made a list of everything the text calls us to be, straight from the NIV. As Christians, we (I) should:
Live a life worthy of the calling
Be completely humble and gentle
Be patient
Bear with one another in love
Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit by peace
Speak the truth in love
Live no longer as Gentiles
Not grieve the Holy Spirit
Be kind and compassionate
Forgive
Share with those in need
Not steal, but work
Put off falsehood
Not sin in anger
Not let the sun go down in anger
Not have bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander, or malice
I look at that list and feel failure. My attitudes so rarely line up with that list, especially this first five or six or -- all of them. It's so easy to read over them in the Bible, but looking at that list, I see how far I am from the woman God wants me to be. And while I truly desire to live in accordance with all of those things, I know it is impossible.
Except that
We were (I was) once darkened in our understanding, separated from the life of God due to ignorance and hard hearts, given over to sensuality and impure desiring more impurity, corrupted by deceitful desires. But then, Christ came.
And now we are (I am) given grace as Christ apportioned it. What joy is in that statement! To know that there could never be more sin in me than mercy in Christ! Trust me, I have a lot of sin in me, but Christ has given me grace for all of it, so that I can be prepared for works of service, build up as the body of Christ. I am being taught to put off the old and put on the new, I am being made new in the attitudes of my mind. Why? Because I was created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. And someday I will be unified in faith and knowledge of the Son of God, mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
Whoa. That is deep, deep stuff. That is the beautiful mystery of who God created me to be! I don't fully understand it, but I know that it is more me than any of this fleshly business tries to be. I know that it is not some boring and lifeless lifestyle that will be confining, but that it will be true freedom and joy and oh so much laughter. I yearn for it more and more. And I am so grateful to my best friend
So you should do things. 1. Read Ephesians. It will rock your world. 2. Read Ephesians with your best friend. Or any book of the Bible. It's so worth it.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
I'm Nothing Special
There is nothing about me that makes me any better than the crowd. There is nothing about me that makes me special. But it seems like ever since I took my first breath, everyone in my world has always made me want to believe that I am something special, something different. Parents, teachers, friends even. But the honest to goodness truth is that I'm not.
I don't think this phenomenon is limited to me (although if it were, I suppose I would be special). The more that I interact with people, the more I believe that we are becoming a disgustingly narcissistic people. I see it in the stupid arguments at grocery stores, in the entitled attitudes of the people I work for or with, even (especially) in myself. If you have a pulse, you believe that you are right and that you are the most important thing in the universe.
Don't feel bad, we all do it at one point or another. Of course that doesn't make it right. See, nothing kills friendship faster than one person elevating themselves over the others. This is even more deadly in community (the current buzzword of any "relevant" Christian today). If you have a group of believers that are committed to building each other up, nothing can rip that group apart faster than introducing a diva - except maybe introducing two. Even in mature communities, it can cause ripples of dissension.
Forgive that side tangent.
The point is that any sort of narcissism - no matter how minor - is incompatible with the call of Christ. Time and time again in Scripture, we're told to die to ourselves, to elevate others, to love above all else. We're called to rid ourselves of the fleshly selfishness that rules our lives and to be set free for the sake of freedom - for the sake of discipleship and true glorification. It is such a paradox - to die to self in order to be truly glorified.
See, although we are far from special we're each called. Isn't that a glorious mystery? Although God did not make me any better than anyone else, He has called me differently and He has equipped me differently. It's nothing that I have done, but it's truly by the virtue of His grace and His extravagant love. In 2 Timothy, Paul says that we're saved and called not because of what we do but because of His own purpose and grace. The more I turn it over in my head, the more I realize how disgusting and worthless I am without Christ. Yet I have been chosen. You have been chosen. Each of us has been chosen! How much greater it is to be chosen by Christ for Christ than to be special by earthly measure!
As I've realized this truth, it has changed me some. Interestingly, it has made me quieter. Ask anyone who knew me as a child, and they'll gladly tell you that I never shut up. I heard that "empty wagons make the most noise" and that it's "better to leave your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and give them no doubt" once or twice... But lately, I find myself glad to be silent. Because I don't have something special to say most times. I'd rather listen, honestly. Now, I still can get pretty chatty sometimes. But I don't have to open my mouth and prove anything to anyone. I don't have to prove that I am smart or witty or have a better ministry or calling or relationship with God. Because, in all honesty, there are smarter and wittier people. And why on earth would I want to make anyone envious of my calling or ministry or intimacy with God? My calling is unique to me, and God has prepared me for it. He's not using me as some sort of role model or example to anyone through this. He is simply preparing me.
Today the coolest thing happened. I was running late to a coffee date with some friends, and I didn't really know which Starbucks it was at (I went to about three). On my way to the first one, before I realized that I had gotten off at the wrong exit, there was a homeless man asking for money. I wrestle a lot with the concept of giving homeless people straight cash (which I actually usually don't carry) but today I had a $5 bill. I waved him over, but the light turned green as he got to me so all I could do was hand him the money and apologize for driving off so quickly (I don't really know what else I would say, but I felt bad still). I drove down the street a little and realized I needed to turn around. Then I saw him, the same homeless man, walking out of a restaurant holding a bag of food. It made my day. And as I got back on the highway, I couldn't help but think that God had ordained that little detour so that I could be a part of something really cool. I got to buy that man lunch. I got to see God glorified.
I know that might be a silly example but it is these little moments that make me sure that God has something chosen for me. He had chosen me to work in the man's life today. He had prepared me. I never carry cash, and rarely do I have a five dollar bill. I know it's nothing grand or incredible, but these moments where I see the instant pay off are what keep me in the game. Truth be told, ever since I realized that God's chosen my future (I say it lightly, but I realize the implications - so far as I can, and I wouldn't let anyone else choose it), I've gotten a little lazy. It's remarkably easy to kick back and do nothing but say that God's got it covered. But in these moments of small gratification, I'm reminded to keep pursuing Him and to pursue what He has for me. It's a little kick back in the game - a little taste to keep me going. You see, salvation is not the end of the spiritual journey and growth, but the beginning. I think too often we forget that God is not satisfied with the life that's left in the baptistery. Sure, He wants people to be baptized and saved, but only so that they can follow Christ. Salvation is the means to the end - the glorification of God.
See, I'm nothing special. But He is.
I don't think this phenomenon is limited to me (although if it were, I suppose I would be special). The more that I interact with people, the more I believe that we are becoming a disgustingly narcissistic people. I see it in the stupid arguments at grocery stores, in the entitled attitudes of the people I work for or with, even (especially) in myself. If you have a pulse, you believe that you are right and that you are the most important thing in the universe.
Don't feel bad, we all do it at one point or another. Of course that doesn't make it right. See, nothing kills friendship faster than one person elevating themselves over the others. This is even more deadly in community (the current buzzword of any "relevant" Christian today). If you have a group of believers that are committed to building each other up, nothing can rip that group apart faster than introducing a diva - except maybe introducing two. Even in mature communities, it can cause ripples of dissension.
Forgive that side tangent.
The point is that any sort of narcissism - no matter how minor - is incompatible with the call of Christ. Time and time again in Scripture, we're told to die to ourselves, to elevate others, to love above all else. We're called to rid ourselves of the fleshly selfishness that rules our lives and to be set free for the sake of freedom - for the sake of discipleship and true glorification. It is such a paradox - to die to self in order to be truly glorified.
See, although we are far from special we're each called. Isn't that a glorious mystery? Although God did not make me any better than anyone else, He has called me differently and He has equipped me differently. It's nothing that I have done, but it's truly by the virtue of His grace and His extravagant love. In 2 Timothy, Paul says that we're saved and called not because of what we do but because of His own purpose and grace. The more I turn it over in my head, the more I realize how disgusting and worthless I am without Christ. Yet I have been chosen. You have been chosen. Each of us has been chosen! How much greater it is to be chosen by Christ for Christ than to be special by earthly measure!
As I've realized this truth, it has changed me some. Interestingly, it has made me quieter. Ask anyone who knew me as a child, and they'll gladly tell you that I never shut up. I heard that "empty wagons make the most noise" and that it's "better to leave your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and give them no doubt" once or twice... But lately, I find myself glad to be silent. Because I don't have something special to say most times. I'd rather listen, honestly. Now, I still can get pretty chatty sometimes. But I don't have to open my mouth and prove anything to anyone. I don't have to prove that I am smart or witty or have a better ministry or calling or relationship with God. Because, in all honesty, there are smarter and wittier people. And why on earth would I want to make anyone envious of my calling or ministry or intimacy with God? My calling is unique to me, and God has prepared me for it. He's not using me as some sort of role model or example to anyone through this. He is simply preparing me.
Today the coolest thing happened. I was running late to a coffee date with some friends, and I didn't really know which Starbucks it was at (I went to about three). On my way to the first one, before I realized that I had gotten off at the wrong exit, there was a homeless man asking for money. I wrestle a lot with the concept of giving homeless people straight cash (which I actually usually don't carry) but today I had a $5 bill. I waved him over, but the light turned green as he got to me so all I could do was hand him the money and apologize for driving off so quickly (I don't really know what else I would say, but I felt bad still). I drove down the street a little and realized I needed to turn around. Then I saw him, the same homeless man, walking out of a restaurant holding a bag of food. It made my day. And as I got back on the highway, I couldn't help but think that God had ordained that little detour so that I could be a part of something really cool. I got to buy that man lunch. I got to see God glorified.
I know that might be a silly example but it is these little moments that make me sure that God has something chosen for me. He had chosen me to work in the man's life today. He had prepared me. I never carry cash, and rarely do I have a five dollar bill. I know it's nothing grand or incredible, but these moments where I see the instant pay off are what keep me in the game. Truth be told, ever since I realized that God's chosen my future (I say it lightly, but I realize the implications - so far as I can, and I wouldn't let anyone else choose it), I've gotten a little lazy. It's remarkably easy to kick back and do nothing but say that God's got it covered. But in these moments of small gratification, I'm reminded to keep pursuing Him and to pursue what He has for me. It's a little kick back in the game - a little taste to keep me going. You see, salvation is not the end of the spiritual journey and growth, but the beginning. I think too often we forget that God is not satisfied with the life that's left in the baptistery. Sure, He wants people to be baptized and saved, but only so that they can follow Christ. Salvation is the means to the end - the glorification of God.
See, I'm nothing special. But He is.
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