Throughout today, I have been reflecting on the things that make my life so worthwhile - the things that I am grateful for. As we prepared and sat down to the meal of the year, the list grew and grew. I was astounded at the things that I often take for granted, the things that spring to mind the one day of the year that forces recall. So here is a list of things, both trivial and the opposite, that I am especially grateful for (in no particular order).
1. I love my bedroom. I think it is absolutely fantastic, from the furniture set that fulfills all of my little girl fantasies (it includes a vanity) to the handmade blanket and chair/table coverings to the photos hanging on the wall of my favorite place on earth. I wish I could spend more time here.
2. My family is fantastic. I have been blessed with Godly parents who are so concerned about my well-being and provision, a brother and sisters who are smart and witty and fun to be with, that I can depend on and trust, and a beautiful black lab that lives to make his owners happy. In addition to this, I have the most wonderful extended family - grandparents that love and care for me, who encourage me to grow and always support me, aunts and uncles who have watched me grow up and continue to be interested and encouraging in my life, cousins who are just absolutely fabulous, and in-laws that make life interesting.
3. Christmas movies are the bomb. Right now we are watching Miracle on 34th Street. How fantastic. I'm hoping to convince my sisters to watch Muppet Christmas Carol next.
4. Books are quite important to me. I am crazy in love with reading, a love affair that begun when I learned to read. From Little Women and The Chronicles of Narnia to Blue Like Jazz and a little Virgina Woolf, I just love them all. Oh, and Nancy Drew. Nancy Drew books are especially incredible.
5. Education. Oh my goodness, how I treasure this blessing. So much of our lives revolve around literacy and our ability to grasp concepts that education is absolutely a must. Add to that the opportunity to study at an institution so devoted to the heart of God and I am hooked.
6. Fantastic friends are essential. I have the most amazing friends in the world and I am grateful for them daily. I am just absolutely, absolutely, absolutely lost without their support and encouragement and all of the wonderful memories that we share. This year has brought so many new faces into this group, and I am so thankful for that.
7. West Central Christian Service Camp will always have a place especially close to my heart. This camp has meant so much to me, and so much of my growth occurred there. It is a place that prepares my heart to encounter God in a way that no other place has quite captured. I love the camp managers and the nurse and the campers and the faculty, even on the bad days.
8. I am so thankful for our security in Christ Jesus. I am grateful that God created us, that He treasures us, that He redeemed us, that Christ endured the cross, that the Holy Spirit continues to work in us, that the Spirit and Christ are interceding for us, and that there is nothing that can separate us from all that. Especially as I have been studying Romans 8:26-39, I am increasingly impressed by that fact. I marvel daily at all of this, and I praise God that I can't ever quite wrap my head around this, yet it doesn't change any of that.
9. Uh, technology. Holy cow is it amazing. From the laptop that I am typing this on to the lighting system that consumed most of my break, it is astonishing what we are able to do these days - especially skype!
10. Good food, especially around the Holiday season, makes my heart sing. I love mashed potatoes, turkey, bread, stuffed peppers, sweet potato souffle, green bean casserole, ice cream, pie, cake...and I could go on and on. I love the food that we can enjoy and prepare family-style, and I love learning to make all of this.
11. All of the ways that God has grown me in the past few years and His continued work in my life makes me so excited for the future.
12. Prayer is so great. I love having a means with which to communicate with my God.
13. I love me some real great music. From John Mayer to the Veggietales Christmas album, from Hillsong to Frank Sintra, what a blessing music is!
14.I am so excited to meet my new baby nephew in January, whose name I found out just days ago!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Thankfulness and Christmas
One week from today, Americans across all 50 states will sit down to a meal that is looked forward to all year long. Turkeys that are cooked to perfection will grace tables already overflowing with mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and pumpkin pie. Families will be reunited and the meal will conclude in front of the TV - watching football - or in a room close by - playing board games.
All of these traditions are near and dear to my heart. Even describing them makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. These are things I'm grateful for, even though I rarely articulate it. I think that we, as Americans, feel that we are blessed. We know that we have much to enjoy and be thankful for, but we often fall into the trap of taking these things for granted. Sometimes I feel like it is impossible to choose one thing to be grateful for on 'Thankful Thursdays' (a tradition in our cafeteria - Thursday at lunch, before the employee swipes your card you have to list one thing you are thankful for). I find myself caught off guard and suddenly overwhelmed by all that I could say, to the point that I draw a blank. I don't think it's just me that feels this way.
But, especially as Christian, I have so much to be thankful for. Even though it is cliche, my number one thing is the death - the resurrection - of Christ. I have just finished a project examining Romans 8:26-39 and one of the sources that I consulted emphasized that the death of Christ is God's greatest gift to us. In the passage, it talks about how the Holy Spirit intercedes for us so that we can pray for the things that we ought to, and how God promises that all things will work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Without getting too caught up in the exegesis, I'd like to point out a couple things. First, those who love God is the qualifier for the "good," which is the end glorification of God and restoration to perfection. It is bigger than the one Christian, although God promises elsewhere things that do apply to the individual Christian's life. Second, those who love God and are called according to His purpose are those that serve Him and have been invited to share in the purpose - His glorification and the restoration of all things. The passage goes on to say that we have been chosen, that God knew before time who would choose to serve Him, and that we have been justified - made right with God through Christ - and will be conformed to the Image of Christ and glorified with Him.
The next part is what I have been turning over in my head, though. It talks about how no one can accuse the one that God has justified, and that the believer can be assured that there is no condemnation because, if God allowed Christ to suffer the full extent of His wrath (which has been discussed in the preceding chapters) and that He did not spare Him (which would have lessened His victory) we are secure in His love. Paul goes on to elaborate that there is absolutely nothing that can change that - the love of God in Christ Jesus conquers all things, and no force can overcome it.
In light of all this, this year's holiday season has me thinking about the marvelous gift of God - not that He called us, or that He loves us, or that He will glorify us, or that He works all things together for our good. The marvelous gift is that He did not spare any of His wrath from Jesus, that Jesus endured it, and that He rose from the dead. That is where we find salvation and security! So in light of this marvelous gift, which what I am most thankful for, I have to ask what my response should be.
One form that this pondering has taken lately stems from a question my Dad asked in some Christmas service in the past couple of years. He proposed the question: What would you give Jesus for Christmas? As I toss around this question in my mind, I cannot hit on the thing that I would like to do for Christ - not because I want to deserve the gift He gave me, but out of response to it. I've asked several people and I am not yet satisfied. In my mind, there are no restrictions on this gift, except that it must be broad (good for all people, not just one group), and it cannot be for the salvation of others - it is purely hypothetical. Some of the responses my Dad proposed were:
- a concentrated effort by the North American church to end world hunger
- increased Biblical literacy
- a great revival and increased evangelism
- an election that focused on real issues
- an end to the war in the middle east
- an end to the idolizing of self-ish and spoiled young ladies
Those are all great goals. They are all remedies for things that pain God. But I wonder what the most effective change would be. I keep coming back to Jesus. I feel like few people -few Christians - know the real Jesus and are serving Him. Too many people have been hurt by "Christians" and too much mud has been slung on the Christian name. Perhaps if Christians lived as they ought, it'd be a different story? Perhaps if they knew the God they were serving, it would change. For some reason I still am unsettled. Although hypothetical, I can't shake this question.
So I guess my proposition is this: If you could give Jesus any present this Christmas - not just material, but anything at all (minus the salvation of others), what would you give Him, in light of His sacrifice?
All of these traditions are near and dear to my heart. Even describing them makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. These are things I'm grateful for, even though I rarely articulate it. I think that we, as Americans, feel that we are blessed. We know that we have much to enjoy and be thankful for, but we often fall into the trap of taking these things for granted. Sometimes I feel like it is impossible to choose one thing to be grateful for on 'Thankful Thursdays' (a tradition in our cafeteria - Thursday at lunch, before the employee swipes your card you have to list one thing you are thankful for). I find myself caught off guard and suddenly overwhelmed by all that I could say, to the point that I draw a blank. I don't think it's just me that feels this way.
But, especially as Christian, I have so much to be thankful for. Even though it is cliche, my number one thing is the death - the resurrection - of Christ. I have just finished a project examining Romans 8:26-39 and one of the sources that I consulted emphasized that the death of Christ is God's greatest gift to us. In the passage, it talks about how the Holy Spirit intercedes for us so that we can pray for the things that we ought to, and how God promises that all things will work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Without getting too caught up in the exegesis, I'd like to point out a couple things. First, those who love God is the qualifier for the "good," which is the end glorification of God and restoration to perfection. It is bigger than the one Christian, although God promises elsewhere things that do apply to the individual Christian's life. Second, those who love God and are called according to His purpose are those that serve Him and have been invited to share in the purpose - His glorification and the restoration of all things. The passage goes on to say that we have been chosen, that God knew before time who would choose to serve Him, and that we have been justified - made right with God through Christ - and will be conformed to the Image of Christ and glorified with Him.
The next part is what I have been turning over in my head, though. It talks about how no one can accuse the one that God has justified, and that the believer can be assured that there is no condemnation because, if God allowed Christ to suffer the full extent of His wrath (which has been discussed in the preceding chapters) and that He did not spare Him (which would have lessened His victory) we are secure in His love. Paul goes on to elaborate that there is absolutely nothing that can change that - the love of God in Christ Jesus conquers all things, and no force can overcome it.
In light of all this, this year's holiday season has me thinking about the marvelous gift of God - not that He called us, or that He loves us, or that He will glorify us, or that He works all things together for our good. The marvelous gift is that He did not spare any of His wrath from Jesus, that Jesus endured it, and that He rose from the dead. That is where we find salvation and security! So in light of this marvelous gift, which what I am most thankful for, I have to ask what my response should be.
One form that this pondering has taken lately stems from a question my Dad asked in some Christmas service in the past couple of years. He proposed the question: What would you give Jesus for Christmas? As I toss around this question in my mind, I cannot hit on the thing that I would like to do for Christ - not because I want to deserve the gift He gave me, but out of response to it. I've asked several people and I am not yet satisfied. In my mind, there are no restrictions on this gift, except that it must be broad (good for all people, not just one group), and it cannot be for the salvation of others - it is purely hypothetical. Some of the responses my Dad proposed were:
- a concentrated effort by the North American church to end world hunger
- increased Biblical literacy
- a great revival and increased evangelism
- an election that focused on real issues
- an end to the war in the middle east
- an end to the idolizing of self-ish and spoiled young ladies
Those are all great goals. They are all remedies for things that pain God. But I wonder what the most effective change would be. I keep coming back to Jesus. I feel like few people -few Christians - know the real Jesus and are serving Him. Too many people have been hurt by "Christians" and too much mud has been slung on the Christian name. Perhaps if Christians lived as they ought, it'd be a different story? Perhaps if they knew the God they were serving, it would change. For some reason I still am unsettled. Although hypothetical, I can't shake this question.
So I guess my proposition is this: If you could give Jesus any present this Christmas - not just material, but anything at all (minus the salvation of others), what would you give Him, in light of His sacrifice?
Monday, November 8, 2010
On Doubt
I've felt like I have been running non-stop for the past few days, weeks, months. I look at my calender and see no end in sight, yet I can't remember the beginning of this busy season either. Honestly, I hate it. I just keep reminding myself that this is a season, that it will pass, that I am where I need to be. And it actually does help. Especially because God is CONSTANTLY affirming all of these things. It just sucks some days.
When I was younger, I assumed that I thrived on a busy schedule. After all, I enjoyed being involved, committed, essential. But the older I get, the more that I notice that it is Sabbath that brings me the greatest joy. I love to have time to reflect, to rest, to revitalize. To some extent, I try to do that nightly. But I always end up falling asleep. So tonight I thought that I would try something new.
I feel like Christ has done so much in me. I am in a place where I am constantly learning and being challenged - I love it. I find myself becoming more open to things that made me uncomfortable, more steadfast in my view of God, and more impressed by the character of the Trinity. I find myself sifting through sin and evaluating the doctrines that I've been taught, all in light of Scripture. I even find myself seeing more and more hurt in the world, more that makes me want to scream, "THIS ISN'T HOW IT SHOULD BE!"
Tonight I worked at New York and Co for the first time in about a week. Every time I go in, a part of me in made uncomfortable by the amount of money women who come in end up dropping. On one level, it is justifiable. The clothes are good and necessary. But some customers go all out, to extremes that seem ridiculous and laughable. I mean, honestly I want to say to some ladies, do you really need a $55 blazer? Or a $30 shirt? They're just clothes. But when I get to talk to people, I always find myself wanting to help and love more. I talked to a lady tonight who had faced a real tough season in the past few years. I almost cried listening to her. These encounters make the job worth it. I watched as the pain etched itself across her face, drawing pools of water from her bright blue eyes, and listened to her tale of health failure, job loss, debt, and death. It reminded me of when Katie and I met the woman in walmart last year.
And despite the fact that I should be studying, that conversation replies itself over and over again in my head. I remember few of the exact words or phrases mentioned, it is the look, the hurt, the desire for God that sticks with me. What can I do? My heart aches, but I don't know her name. I pray that God eases her pain, that he continue to work in her life to show her reason. But how can I answer for him and his timing? I pray that she find peace and rest in his divine wisdom, but she seemed to be under the impression that any sort of questioning him was a big no-no.
I think the church has for too long espoused the narrow-minded and faulty doctrine that doubt=unbelief. Doubt is natural. It is healthy. We were created with minds so that we could use them, and at times this world hardly looks like the work of a loving, sovereign God. We hurt. We experience stuff that we weren't made to experience. There is wickedness and evil. A doubt is not going to force God into a box. We have to stop being afraid to express them, and start embracing them. To stop shoving them in the back of the closet until the force their way out, and start combating them. Finding satisfactory answers. Otherwise faith ends up being lost, being rejected.
Admittedly, not every doubt has its precise answers. We have a faith of beautiful mystery. There are things of which we cannot know. However most of the time we can learn enough to reasonably believe. After all, if there were an answer to everything, that would not be faith. It'd be fact.
When I was younger, I assumed that I thrived on a busy schedule. After all, I enjoyed being involved, committed, essential. But the older I get, the more that I notice that it is Sabbath that brings me the greatest joy. I love to have time to reflect, to rest, to revitalize. To some extent, I try to do that nightly. But I always end up falling asleep. So tonight I thought that I would try something new.
I feel like Christ has done so much in me. I am in a place where I am constantly learning and being challenged - I love it. I find myself becoming more open to things that made me uncomfortable, more steadfast in my view of God, and more impressed by the character of the Trinity. I find myself sifting through sin and evaluating the doctrines that I've been taught, all in light of Scripture. I even find myself seeing more and more hurt in the world, more that makes me want to scream, "THIS ISN'T HOW IT SHOULD BE!"
Tonight I worked at New York and Co for the first time in about a week. Every time I go in, a part of me in made uncomfortable by the amount of money women who come in end up dropping. On one level, it is justifiable. The clothes are good and necessary. But some customers go all out, to extremes that seem ridiculous and laughable. I mean, honestly I want to say to some ladies, do you really need a $55 blazer? Or a $30 shirt? They're just clothes. But when I get to talk to people, I always find myself wanting to help and love more. I talked to a lady tonight who had faced a real tough season in the past few years. I almost cried listening to her. These encounters make the job worth it. I watched as the pain etched itself across her face, drawing pools of water from her bright blue eyes, and listened to her tale of health failure, job loss, debt, and death. It reminded me of when Katie and I met the woman in walmart last year.
And despite the fact that I should be studying, that conversation replies itself over and over again in my head. I remember few of the exact words or phrases mentioned, it is the look, the hurt, the desire for God that sticks with me. What can I do? My heart aches, but I don't know her name. I pray that God eases her pain, that he continue to work in her life to show her reason. But how can I answer for him and his timing? I pray that she find peace and rest in his divine wisdom, but she seemed to be under the impression that any sort of questioning him was a big no-no.
I think the church has for too long espoused the narrow-minded and faulty doctrine that doubt=unbelief. Doubt is natural. It is healthy. We were created with minds so that we could use them, and at times this world hardly looks like the work of a loving, sovereign God. We hurt. We experience stuff that we weren't made to experience. There is wickedness and evil. A doubt is not going to force God into a box. We have to stop being afraid to express them, and start embracing them. To stop shoving them in the back of the closet until the force their way out, and start combating them. Finding satisfactory answers. Otherwise faith ends up being lost, being rejected.
Admittedly, not every doubt has its precise answers. We have a faith of beautiful mystery. There are things of which we cannot know. However most of the time we can learn enough to reasonably believe. After all, if there were an answer to everything, that would not be faith. It'd be fact.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
As of late I have noticed a rather troubling trend. It is nothing new, not some crazy fad that will be outdated and forgotten by next week; rather this is a prolific disease that has long been infecting human kind. Perhaps my sensitivity to this ailment has been heightened, or perhaps I am more often exposed to this consuming fire. Perhaps it is something we grow into. The reason for which this issue lies so heavily on my heart remains unknown. The truth about the matter, though, is as unpleasant as starring at oneself in mirror which highlights only the flaws one has.
The issue of which I am speaking is this rampant selfishness that I sense consuming not only my life, but the lives of those around me. Perhaps it is because I am now employed by a retail store that screams "BUY BUY BUY," surrounded by people all too willing to oblige. Frankly I find that to be a great source of temptation to me. But I see it not only in myself. I do not say this to be hypocritical or quick to judge. I do not say it to judge anyone, I suppose, because I am so ugly in my own selfishness. Rather, I say it mournfully. I wish this were not so! I wish that we could see faces or names or tears that our selfishness causes. I wish that their pain could become our reality. We who are blessed so abundantly, yet complain so quickly, we who are increasingly dulled to the screams of those who suffer, we who are so quick to "defend" the weak, yet so unwilling to become like them. We scream for justice and provision in the comfort of our multi-thousand dollar homes, surrounded by hundreds of dollars of things that we cannot "live without." I sense a great irony in that.
That is not to say that I am against spending money for entertainment purpose, or for the purpose of procuring nice, lasting things. On the contrary, I believe that our investments should be wise. I am not against relaxation or entertainment in general. I am not against standing up for the rights of the oppressed or standing up for your own needs. On the contrary, these things are good and healthy and have a place. But, Christian, you and I know a great secret which should revolutionize the way that we think, act, and invest. It should change the way that we step out of bed each morning and the way that we interact with every person who crosses our path. Need I remind you?
Christian, Jesus is ALIVE
I wish the impact of that simple statement had the same effect on me as it did on the apostles, or the first Christians, or the martyrs. I wish that statement was less of a cliche and more of a praise-inducing cry. And, yes, I am joyful and grateful and I know the importance of the resurrection. I praise God for it. Yet I have this recurring feeling that I should be more. It should shake me to my core to serve a God so great that He sent His Son to die and then to be raised and seated at His right hand. Hallelujah! And though a chill passes through my body and a smile creeps onto my lips as those words appear on my computer screen, I can't help but feel that I will never truly appreciate the magnitude that sentence expresses.
I feel this manifested in no greater way than in my selfishness. Yet I am at a loss as to how to proceed. I have identified the sin, yet I cannot remove it. I know that each day will be a war against my self, a crucifixion of sorts, yet this cognitive knowledge makes it no further. It does not change my heart. But, oh, I wish it would. I pray that God would chisel that part of me away, would teach my unwilling flesh obedience. But I rejoice that "no sky contains, no doubt restrains all You are, the greatness of our God. I spend my life to know, and I'm far from close to all You are, the greatness of our God." For I know that is a God who can change me.
-Hillsong, "The Greatness of our God." A Beautiful Exchange, 2010.
The issue of which I am speaking is this rampant selfishness that I sense consuming not only my life, but the lives of those around me. Perhaps it is because I am now employed by a retail store that screams "BUY BUY BUY," surrounded by people all too willing to oblige. Frankly I find that to be a great source of temptation to me. But I see it not only in myself. I do not say this to be hypocritical or quick to judge. I do not say it to judge anyone, I suppose, because I am so ugly in my own selfishness. Rather, I say it mournfully. I wish this were not so! I wish that we could see faces or names or tears that our selfishness causes. I wish that their pain could become our reality. We who are blessed so abundantly, yet complain so quickly, we who are increasingly dulled to the screams of those who suffer, we who are so quick to "defend" the weak, yet so unwilling to become like them. We scream for justice and provision in the comfort of our multi-thousand dollar homes, surrounded by hundreds of dollars of things that we cannot "live without." I sense a great irony in that.
That is not to say that I am against spending money for entertainment purpose, or for the purpose of procuring nice, lasting things. On the contrary, I believe that our investments should be wise. I am not against relaxation or entertainment in general. I am not against standing up for the rights of the oppressed or standing up for your own needs. On the contrary, these things are good and healthy and have a place. But, Christian, you and I know a great secret which should revolutionize the way that we think, act, and invest. It should change the way that we step out of bed each morning and the way that we interact with every person who crosses our path. Need I remind you?
Christian, Jesus is ALIVE
I wish the impact of that simple statement had the same effect on me as it did on the apostles, or the first Christians, or the martyrs. I wish that statement was less of a cliche and more of a praise-inducing cry. And, yes, I am joyful and grateful and I know the importance of the resurrection. I praise God for it. Yet I have this recurring feeling that I should be more. It should shake me to my core to serve a God so great that He sent His Son to die and then to be raised and seated at His right hand. Hallelujah! And though a chill passes through my body and a smile creeps onto my lips as those words appear on my computer screen, I can't help but feel that I will never truly appreciate the magnitude that sentence expresses.
I feel this manifested in no greater way than in my selfishness. Yet I am at a loss as to how to proceed. I have identified the sin, yet I cannot remove it. I know that each day will be a war against my self, a crucifixion of sorts, yet this cognitive knowledge makes it no further. It does not change my heart. But, oh, I wish it would. I pray that God would chisel that part of me away, would teach my unwilling flesh obedience. But I rejoice that "no sky contains, no doubt restrains all You are, the greatness of our God. I spend my life to know, and I'm far from close to all You are, the greatness of our God." For I know that is a God who can change me.
Give me eyes to see more of who You are.
May what I behold still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known and break it all apart.
For You, my God, are greater still.
Give me grace to see beyond this moment here,
To believe that there is nothing left to fear,
that You alone are high above it all,
For You, my God, are greater still.
-Hillsong, "The Greatness of our God." A Beautiful Exchange, 2010.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tension
Something that I vaguely alluded to in my last post in this growing discontentment that I'm experiencing. I know what's causing it, but I don't know how to fix it. I'm stuck in a place where I know I'm not happy, per se, but I don't know what or how I need to change.
One thing that I'm struggling with is the idea of a calling. Since I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was teach. Now that I'm starring that in the face, I'm hesitating for some reason. In large part, I believe this has to do with the amount of school I'd have to complete to achieve said degree. I'm so tired of going to school that five more years feels like an eternity. I find myself asking all too frequently, "is this really worth it?" Is it worth the thousands of dollars of debt I'm racking up? Is it worth prolonging this season? That's the tension I'm living in right now.
Of course, there are other contributing factors. I've been trying to get involved with a local youth group, and it hasn't worked out like I want. Over the summer I did some stuff with the girls at my home church and enjoyed it, but with this youth group I feel like just a warm body. It feels very clique-y and I honestly don't feel necessary. I'm not making a difference and that fuels this discontentment. I'm not very good at initiating relationships, especially when so many have already been established. I really don't enjoy it, but I so enjoyed teaching the girls from home. I don't know what to do. Do I stay involved, hoping that when I am allowed to lead a group these things change? Do I find another ministry and abandon this idea totally? I'm very unsure.
I know I'm passionate about helping people live the life God's called them to, I'm passionate about changing the way people think and apologetics. I love my personal evangelism class, and have recently become rather enamored with the writing of Don Miller I like speaking publicly (to some extent) and I love to exegete. For these reasons, I'm considering going into women's ministry. . This, in large part, is due to a speaker I've been enjoying, Bianca Juarez. I believe that she's the women's minister at a large church in Southern Cali, and I love the way she speaks. She appeals to their compassion and emotional needs, but she maintains authority and intellect. I'd love to do that.
But I don't feel even remotely qualified. And maybe I am supposed to be a high school teacher. How can I rule something out so quickly? Yet, as a women's ministry major, I'd still be teaching. Albeit, very differently, but still teaching.
I don't know yet. These are all ideas I've recently been considering. I don't want to make a decision based on this desire to start living my life instead of preparing for it, but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a factor. There's the issue. I just don't have any idea what to do lately.
One thing that I'm struggling with is the idea of a calling. Since I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was teach. Now that I'm starring that in the face, I'm hesitating for some reason. In large part, I believe this has to do with the amount of school I'd have to complete to achieve said degree. I'm so tired of going to school that five more years feels like an eternity. I find myself asking all too frequently, "is this really worth it?" Is it worth the thousands of dollars of debt I'm racking up? Is it worth prolonging this season? That's the tension I'm living in right now.
Of course, there are other contributing factors. I've been trying to get involved with a local youth group, and it hasn't worked out like I want. Over the summer I did some stuff with the girls at my home church and enjoyed it, but with this youth group I feel like just a warm body. It feels very clique-y and I honestly don't feel necessary. I'm not making a difference and that fuels this discontentment. I'm not very good at initiating relationships, especially when so many have already been established. I really don't enjoy it, but I so enjoyed teaching the girls from home. I don't know what to do. Do I stay involved, hoping that when I am allowed to lead a group these things change? Do I find another ministry and abandon this idea totally? I'm very unsure.
I know I'm passionate about helping people live the life God's called them to, I'm passionate about changing the way people think and apologetics. I love my personal evangelism class, and have recently become rather enamored with the writing of Don Miller I like speaking publicly (to some extent) and I love to exegete. For these reasons, I'm considering going into women's ministry. . This, in large part, is due to a speaker I've been enjoying, Bianca Juarez. I believe that she's the women's minister at a large church in Southern Cali, and I love the way she speaks. She appeals to their compassion and emotional needs, but she maintains authority and intellect. I'd love to do that.
But I don't feel even remotely qualified. And maybe I am supposed to be a high school teacher. How can I rule something out so quickly? Yet, as a women's ministry major, I'd still be teaching. Albeit, very differently, but still teaching.
I don't know yet. These are all ideas I've recently been considering. I don't want to make a decision based on this desire to start living my life instead of preparing for it, but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a factor. There's the issue. I just don't have any idea what to do lately.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
I feel like I'm in this stage of constant change, and I hate it.
I feel so torn between so many different things that I want to cry some days.
I love OCC
But some days (a lot of days) I love camp more.
I love learning and I'm excited about the calling I feel.
But I want to be out there, not planning it.
As crucial as I know this time is, I'd just like to say:
THIS SUCKS.
I feel so torn between so many different things that I want to cry some days.
I love OCC
But some days (a lot of days) I love camp more.
I love learning and I'm excited about the calling I feel.
But I want to be out there, not planning it.
As crucial as I know this time is, I'd just like to say:
THIS SUCKS.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The Last Day of August
Today I learned something borderline heretical for most college students. In fact, I could have my membership to my own generation revoked for publishing this. The well kept secret: you don't have to have a nap to have a great day.
WOAH. I just blew your mind.
(take a minute to compose yourself before reading further, if necessary. I understand.)
Now you're asking yourself what kind of moron I am. I know; I was you just a few short days ago. It's not easy to have your entire worldview changed. But my day, though nap-less, was pretty amazing. I went to class, chapel, class as normal. Exhausted from staying up much too late for any student with a 7AM class. I ate the crappy lunch in the caf (which wasn't THAT bad, I suppose), came back to my room and facebooked a little. All very routine. I picked up my paycheck and paid some of my school bill, then set off for an oil change. Ugh. I hate cars and their expenses. The oil change is more than I anticipated BUT for $15 more, I could get my car all checked out and my tires rotated. I know that it's really a dumb idea to let the people at Firestone talk you into anything, but I said yes this time. With an hour and a half to kill, I walked across the parking lot to Starbucks, armed with about eight hours of reading to do (which remains mostly undone).
At this point, my day is still blah. I mean, I killed time with my overpriced and definitely way unhealthy frappé and read my overpriced and uninteresting books (well, book. I mostly read my Comp. book). Firestone called and told me that I really need to spend about $1,000 more dollars today doing necessary, but financially impossible, repairs. I politely declined, read some more and picked up my car.
I should have noticed at this point that my day was going better than I anticipated. I mean, you give a student a day with the potential for no nap time, and let's face it, it's practically hell. But at Starbucks I sampled the most delicious pumpkin spice frappé, and as I walked over to Firestone impeccably timed, I should have realized that this day was different. Special.
After paying an arm and a leg, I set off for the Y. I have recently started a couple fitness programs that motivate me to find a way to get there every other day. I'm running my first 5k race on 10-10-10, and I am participating in a challenge issued by a fitness blogger (see halfofjess.com). Basically for the challenge (Drop Dead Gorgeous By December or DDGBD) we set goals for ourselves and report weekly with our weight, picture of us with a positive sign, the goals, and a brag and thing to improve on. My goals are as follows:
1. Run a 25 minute 5k (or less)
My least unattainable goal at this point. But hopefully I'll get there.
2. Two sets of 15 lunges
Last week I could do two sets of 8. Now I'm at 10. I'm pretty confident on this one.
3. A 90 second plank
Last week I was at 20. Now I can do a 40 - albeit barely.
4. Make 5 new close friends
I wasn't involved last year and regretted it. This year I'm changing that.
But I digress. I ran at the Y W5D2 of the C25k program. It was rough. My first real training day since hurting the ankle, it was supposed to be run 8 min, walk 5, run 8. I did it, and ran, but I didn't get as good of a distance as I wanted. Well, I got the distance I just went over time on the second 8, which puts my at close to an 11 minute mile. Ugh. But I also got the worst lower back/side cramp during that, so the fact I ran was amazing in of itself. I'm learning about perseverance!
After my grueling work-out, I showered and read blogs for a while. Anne Jackson is releasing a book of essays that are awesome. She posted seven on seven diff blogs of people of know her. The first one is at donmilleris.com. I'd def encourage you to check it!
After spending way too much time on the computer and not enough studying (like 45 minutes) I headed over my boss' house to cook dinner. I made stuffed peppers, and they were delicious if I do say so myself. I love cooking and it was so good 1. to have a kitchen, and 2. to not eat caf food. Eating was so much fun too - it was me, a co-worker, my boss, and her husband and it was great to talk and laugh together. I love Christian community!
Next, I headed to a prayer meeting. I was so nervous because I knew virtually no one coming, but I went. Big step. A couple other people came and it was awesome. It was great to pray. Love it. I'm going to go weekly and I really hope the Spirit brings more people! Hearing them reminisce about past groups got my yearning for something similar. Again, it was so awesome to experience community.
We chatted for about a half hour before I realized how late it was. I headed back to good ol' Dennis Hall, and stopped on second. I have never spent that long just chilling in a girl's room on second! It was great to chill with people from a different floor and to laugh with them. Oh how funny they are! I also talked to a girl about getting involved with the CH Youth Group, something I feel the Spirit tugging on me about, but I am terrified to actually do. It's tomorrow. Oh boy. Pray, pray, pray.
Though my day may seem mundane and boring to you, I can't get past this overwhelming happiness and peace. Kudos if you read all that, and I hope your day is just as great.
WOAH. I just blew your mind.
(take a minute to compose yourself before reading further, if necessary. I understand.)
Now you're asking yourself what kind of moron I am. I know; I was you just a few short days ago. It's not easy to have your entire worldview changed. But my day, though nap-less, was pretty amazing. I went to class, chapel, class as normal. Exhausted from staying up much too late for any student with a 7AM class. I ate the crappy lunch in the caf (which wasn't THAT bad, I suppose), came back to my room and facebooked a little. All very routine. I picked up my paycheck and paid some of my school bill, then set off for an oil change. Ugh. I hate cars and their expenses. The oil change is more than I anticipated BUT for $15 more, I could get my car all checked out and my tires rotated. I know that it's really a dumb idea to let the people at Firestone talk you into anything, but I said yes this time. With an hour and a half to kill, I walked across the parking lot to Starbucks, armed with about eight hours of reading to do (which remains mostly undone).
At this point, my day is still blah. I mean, I killed time with my overpriced and definitely way unhealthy frappé and read my overpriced and uninteresting books (well, book. I mostly read my Comp. book). Firestone called and told me that I really need to spend about $1,000 more dollars today doing necessary, but financially impossible, repairs. I politely declined, read some more and picked up my car.
I should have noticed at this point that my day was going better than I anticipated. I mean, you give a student a day with the potential for no nap time, and let's face it, it's practically hell. But at Starbucks I sampled the most delicious pumpkin spice frappé, and as I walked over to Firestone impeccably timed, I should have realized that this day was different. Special.
After paying an arm and a leg, I set off for the Y. I have recently started a couple fitness programs that motivate me to find a way to get there every other day. I'm running my first 5k race on 10-10-10, and I am participating in a challenge issued by a fitness blogger (see halfofjess.com). Basically for the challenge (Drop Dead Gorgeous By December or DDGBD) we set goals for ourselves and report weekly with our weight, picture of us with a positive sign, the goals, and a brag and thing to improve on. My goals are as follows:
1. Run a 25 minute 5k (or less)
My least unattainable goal at this point. But hopefully I'll get there.
2. Two sets of 15 lunges
Last week I could do two sets of 8. Now I'm at 10. I'm pretty confident on this one.
3. A 90 second plank
Last week I was at 20. Now I can do a 40 - albeit barely.
4. Make 5 new close friends
I wasn't involved last year and regretted it. This year I'm changing that.
But I digress. I ran at the Y W5D2 of the C25k program. It was rough. My first real training day since hurting the ankle, it was supposed to be run 8 min, walk 5, run 8. I did it, and ran, but I didn't get as good of a distance as I wanted. Well, I got the distance I just went over time on the second 8, which puts my at close to an 11 minute mile. Ugh. But I also got the worst lower back/side cramp during that, so the fact I ran was amazing in of itself. I'm learning about perseverance!
After my grueling work-out, I showered and read blogs for a while. Anne Jackson is releasing a book of essays that are awesome. She posted seven on seven diff blogs of people of know her. The first one is at donmilleris.com. I'd def encourage you to check it!
After spending way too much time on the computer and not enough studying (like 45 minutes) I headed over my boss' house to cook dinner. I made stuffed peppers, and they were delicious if I do say so myself. I love cooking and it was so good 1. to have a kitchen, and 2. to not eat caf food. Eating was so much fun too - it was me, a co-worker, my boss, and her husband and it was great to talk and laugh together. I love Christian community!
Next, I headed to a prayer meeting. I was so nervous because I knew virtually no one coming, but I went. Big step. A couple other people came and it was awesome. It was great to pray. Love it. I'm going to go weekly and I really hope the Spirit brings more people! Hearing them reminisce about past groups got my yearning for something similar. Again, it was so awesome to experience community.
We chatted for about a half hour before I realized how late it was. I headed back to good ol' Dennis Hall, and stopped on second. I have never spent that long just chilling in a girl's room on second! It was great to chill with people from a different floor and to laugh with them. Oh how funny they are! I also talked to a girl about getting involved with the CH Youth Group, something I feel the Spirit tugging on me about, but I am terrified to actually do. It's tomorrow. Oh boy. Pray, pray, pray.
Though my day may seem mundane and boring to you, I can't get past this overwhelming happiness and peace. Kudos if you read all that, and I hope your day is just as great.
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