Impulsiveness

When I was a little girl, the phrase that I heard the most - beyond a shadow of a doubt - ran along the lines of thinking before I did something. It's shocking that I can't remember the exact phrase because I probably heard it fifty times a day. I've always been impulsive and it's always gotten me in trouble. At this point in my short 19 year existence, I've toned it down. But occasionally, when something REALLY ticks me off, I forget how bad it can be. Well, I don't forget. I think at the time, "this is going to get me in trouble. I will regret this" but I still do whatever it is that is going to get me in trouble 97.9% of the time. When my mind's made up, I generally do whatever I want, regardless of the consequences. I like to say I'm easy-going, but I'm stubborn. And that's not good. I'm not flexible, and I'm certainly not easy to correct. But I so want to be.
I want to grow, but I feel little progress. That frustrates me. Because I decided to grow this summer and recent events have told me that I'm not. My mind is both my greatest strength and my most crippling weakness. When I set my mind to something, I'll do it. But that sometimes gets in the way of really loving Jesus. I don't know what to do. I can't think my way out of this and that frustrates me to no end. So I guess I'll just have to let God fix me.
One of the most tangible proofs of this is my ankle. I seem obsessed with my feet lately, but I promise I'm not. I've been doing the couch to 5k running program since camp started. I'm on week 6/9 - or I should be. After my two-mile run on Friday, my ankle hurt. I manned up and ignored it, because I'm a stud. Actually, I got distracted. Around one-thirty, it was swollen. Like twice the size of my normal foot. It's still not back down, but it's healed enough that I can get around. I medicate and elevate, but nothing's changing. It's probably rolled or sprained, yet I still want to run. I know it's a terrible idea, but I set my mind on doing this program and I have to do it. So I'm resisting the urge to pursue this TERRIBLE idea and be a responsible adult. I just need a break, but I so don't want one. I guess this is just a growing opportunity...

The Sun

Faithfulness is something that is vitally important to me. Maybe it has something to do with my longing for consistency and stability, but the older I get the more I value faithfulness. It's one of my favorite traits of God (are we supposed to have favorites? I guess we'll see if I get struck by lightening upon publishing this post). I was thinking about that as I ran this morning. Whether or not God answers the immediate desire of my heart, He's still faithful and worthy of praise. He'd be worthy of praise no matter what, but we serve an all-good God, and so I know that He's looking out for my best interests. He has a plan "a" for my life, one plan that will bring me the most joy and Him the most glory (which is my ultimate aim). This prayer may not be a part of that, but I know that a faithful God will answer me, and He will continue to point me towards where I need to be to let plan "a" fall into place.
I associate faithfulness with the sun rising. If there were a daily reminder in creation, that would be it. The sun always comes up, God always shows up. So, since we Christians love to tattoo our bodies with reminders of God so that we can seem deep, relevant, AND super spiritual, I decided that I would have a sun painted on my big toe during my pedi today. I have to say, it turned out quite cute. I love it, and I think of God's faithfulness every time I look at my foot. Hmmm...

Half-Way Gone

We are officially half-way through the summer and this week was the roughest yet. It was a test of so many different parts of my character and commitment, and unfortunately I don't think that I always came through with flying colors. But I am still forgiven. I'm still redeemed. I'm growing, and that's the important thing.
One night I went down to the campfire after the kids (despite the coyotes the campers assured me were there), and I thought about how I often think about how far I've fallen from where I want to be, and how great God's grace is for me. While these things are true and important, the cross is more important. God's holiness is still important, His justice and righteousness. God has so many more traits than we can possibly grasp at once, and so I often tend to focus on one or two traits I like, and I get stuck there for a while. Then I have these campfire moments where I encounter more of God, a different side, and I become fixated on that. So I guess my question tonight is this: how do I not fixate? How do I know?
A couple nights later, I was down there again. There is one thing that I so badly want, and I can't sense an answer on God's part (which probably means wait - something I'm not so good at). This week this issue has been especially on my mind, and I've had several dreams about it, and I so badly want to read something into those dreams. I yearn for their contents to be true. As I sat at the campfire this second time, I told God all this. I mean, He knew, but as I've been attempting to give it to Him and then snatching it back, it's dawned on me that I can be completely honest. He knows me, He knows I'm fallen, He knows I'm striving. There's no reason to hide my feelings. I cry out for His help, and He responds, in the moment, for the moment. I'm learning more and more that He will sustain me in any and every way, which is cool, but frightening for sure.
So much is going on right now that is emotionally exhausting and confusing. I just want to hit pause or fast forward or stop and switch out some characters or change the movie entirely sometimes. But I really wouldn't trade my life for any other. I love my family and my friends and my job, and as young as I am, I realize that too few people say that and really mean it. I have a glorious God to serve, and I have everything I need. Of course I have some preconceived notions of what I want for my life, but ultimately I'll be happy to follow my Creator and Redeemer wherever He wants me, including into a high-risk high school to teach philosophy (my new ambition. Of course I'll bring my cap gun. I don't wanna get knifed!...). But right now my sister and future brother-in-law are doing a photo-shoot for the birthday girl, and I need to be in real life, not blog world.

Exhaustion

This weekend has redefined that word for me. After a long, tiring week (120 campers!), I drove the most beautiful 150 miles that I've seen in a while to get to Carthage for my cousin's wedding. It was beautiful. I wish Jess and Randy all the best (and Haidyn!) as they start their new life together. I also got to see my brother and sister-in-law at the wedding. They were the music. It's been a while, so it's always good to see each other and catch up. It was weird without Tina and Nat though. Only a few more weeks!
We left the wedding around ten, got out of town a bit before eleven, and got home a little after one. This morning I woke up at eight to help return a car with my father, and headed over to the Spiegels to baby-sit a 5, 3, and almost one year old. They were quite a handful, but fun. We went swimming for about an hour, which was quite a task. Of course the minute we got into the gate things got chaotic. It's safe to say that I'm not quite ready to be responsible for three kids 24/7. I got home, facebooked for a bit, and crashed. I was super tired and a little power nap did me a lot of good. I'm still more than a bit ready to crash, but now I can at least function. I just have a communion thought to prepare and I'm good to go. I'll postpone my run till the morning. I can barely move right now.
I talked to the youth group last week about the objections to the faith that claiming Jesus is the only way to God is intolerant and that a loving God wouldn't send people to an eternity of suffering. Naturally, hell is a hard topic to wrap our minds around, and the more that I turn it over in my mind, the more I see the urgency of our task. I've also made some good progress in J.P. Moreland'sThe God Question. Moreland makes several interesting points, and though dry, it's been a good read. I'll have to get moving if I want to get through my reading list!
That's basically what's on my plate these days. With a little more sleep, and a lot more prayer, I'll make it through to break. :)

An Attempt at Art

Lately I've been enjoying photography, and more specifically, editing the photos I take. Here are a view I took at home last weekend and during my run on Wednesday.

Not to be Served, but to Serve:

Lately I've been thinking a lot about those words. Originally appearing in the Gospel of Mark, they've become a sort of motto at Ozark. I can't count how many times I've heard that this year, and now it's ingrained in me so deeply that I can hardly accomplish a task, particularly a distasteful one, without it springing into my mind. I guess this isn't a bad thing - in fact it often makes such a task more pleasant. Nonetheless as they echo through my mind fifty times a day, I can't help but marvel at the ways my attitude so drastically changes. Of course, occasionally I ignore them, but that's usually to my own disadvantage.
Working at the camp is pretty much the bomb.com. I'm not gonna lie, it's amazing. Nurse Jess is something else. Fortunately she likes me, so I feel pretty safe. Last Saturday night we decided to go for a walk. It was about eight when we left, and we were planning to walk a decent distance. An hour and a half later, we started to worry about how far we'd gone. Jess knew where we were but it was getting dark and we were a good couple miles from the camp. Darkness fell rather quickly and we were essentially terrified to walk through the country in the dark. We finally got back to camp -safe and sound- at around 10. Before church Sunday we drove it, just to see how far we'd gone. 5.5 miles. We're pretty bomb, I'm not gonna lie. Her favorite things: grossing me out with her spider bite, fb stalking (we do that together, usually), being scandalous (not so much anymore), and running (she's helping me train to run a 5k with her in August. we're so intense!). She makes life pretty exciting. We spend A LOT of time together.
The cooks, Emily and Sheri, are pretty nice. When I was an intern I spent a lot of time with Emily and Jess, so it's nice to be able to hang out with them again. Now, however, she's married and preggo. Exciting. Emily is pretty funny and the three of us are having a poker night Monday. Legen - wait for it - dary (Emily also likes How I Met Your Mother - gold).
I love my boss, Duonna. She's just great.
Sunday's the first day of camp. Generally I spend the afternoon at the pool, in case any kids want to swim. Then we serve dinner and I make sure the dining room gets cleaned up. There's an evening canteen around eight, but other than that my night's free. I usually hang with Nurse Jess. Mondays and Wednesdays I wake up around six thirty and go running (couch to 5k). After I clean up we serve breakfast and I get the campers wiping down tables, sweeping, and doing dishes. I finish up anything they don't have time to do, then I water flowers, dead-head, and weed. But I get to drive the golf-cart for that. Legendary. Then I get some free time before serving lunch (unless it's Wednesday - then we go up to the chapel with the campers for Missions), dining room clean-up, break - usually we hang at the pool - lifeguarding (what, work???), dinner, clean-up. After dinner, we sometimes go to the Chapel for worship, or we go back to Jess' cabin. Then, of course, canteen. Afterward, we pretty much do whatever. Around eleven or so, the faculty comes down to the cafeteria to hang out, but I don't stay very long because I'm tired and/or don't really know many of the faculty. Tuesday and Thursday are similar, but without the running and the watering. Also, Thursdays I help make breakfast in addition to serving. Fridays I run and water before brunch (I get to sleep in until eight!), eat brunch, supervise dining room clean-up (a little more intense on Fridays), help with any more clean-up in the kitchen, pack for home, and head out! It's really not a bad schedule at all.
This weekend has been pretty great so far. After my chiropractor appt yesterday (which felt SO good), I came home and chilled. It was great to see Anna. I was going out with some friends and she and my mom were meeting Dad for pizza, so we got ready together. So nice. I met up with Hannah and Katie for dinner at a nice Italian place in Independence, then we saw Prince of Persia. SOOO GOOD. Best movie I've seen in a while. I got home at a little after midnight, but I couldn't go to sleep until three-ish. I had to watch the season finale of Glee (GOOD) and catch up on my blogs - (stuffchristianslike.net, tylerstaton.com, bryanallain.com, plus the blogs of friends I follow). Then, up before eight to hit the Old Navy sale with Anna. I wasn't thrilled about going but she really wanted to, so we did. Of course, I came home and slept. Mmmmm. Nice. We've basically just been watching the Back to the Future marathon since. Truly a great way to end the weekend (I'll have to leave from the church to get back to camp - but hey, potluck lunch).
So I didn't really have a vision for this post. Kudos if you read all that, because I probably wouldn't. I guess I just wanted to give the blogging-world a taste of my life right now and what I'm thinking. Until next weekend, much love.

The Best is Yet to Come

A few years ago I was talking to my brother. He had recently graduated or some other such achievement of age, and I said something to the effect that he was now a real grown-up and the best days of his life was behind him, that all he had left was to live vicariously through others, in particular his children (when they came). He replied something about believing that the best days of his life were before him.

"If we had nothing to look forward to," he said, "what would be the point of living?"

That statement caught my attention and has stayed with me since.
So much of our culture says that this time of our life is the best. Whether it's high school or college, the emphasis is on the young. But that's not the entire truth. There are so many great things in our lives that we can't appreciate until we're older. In every stage of our lives, there's something great waiting for us. If we don't believe that the best truly is yet to come, where is our hope?
That being said, I feel like this is going to be a great summer. And then a great school year. I think that every year, and every year I find it to be more or less true. I have great expectations, starting with working at West Central this summer.
I spent Memorial Day at the camp for the annual Rally Day. I really enjoyed myself - and not just because I wasn't stuck in some terribly uncomfortable over-starched button-up, short-sleeve purple curtain. I did manage to buy WOF approved shorts to wear, however. I guess after years of searching I do it unconsciously. However, clothing was the least of the improvements over Worlds of Fun. The drive (about an hour and a half) is pleasant, beautiful in many places. Although I wouldn't want to commute daily, I think the drive weekly won't be too bad at all. I enjoyed the work environment and definitely the people. It will for sure be a fun summer. I also learned that there's no internet at the camp. Oh boy! But it will give me a chance to focus on reading and learning more about Jesus. I'm gearing up for a pretty legendary summer, but I know that the awesome-ness will last far beyond the end of August.